Hannah Montana Quotations

Hannah Montana is a Disney Channel Original Series which made its debut in March 2006. Miley Cyrus stars as Miley Stewart/Hannah Montana, who lives a double life as a normal girl at school during the day and a popstar at night.

Miley Get Your Gum

Oliver: So you were Hannah in the limo, when I was upside down?

Miley: Yup.

Oliver: And backstage, when I was hanging out of the window?

Miley: Yup.

Oliver: And when I hid in the bass drum on your tour bus all the way to Phoenix?

Miley: You did what?

Oliver: Nothing.

Miley: Have you ever picture yourself with Miley, your friend, the dork?

Oliver: You're not a dork.

Miley: Oh, come on. What about that time I tripped in the biology lab and spilled frog juice all over you?

Oliver: Oh, right. And my mom made me take my pants off in the school parking lot.

Miley: What about Lilly? You guys would be perfect together!

Lilly: Excuse me?

Miley: You're both stubborn.

Lilly and Oliver: [in unison] I am not!

Miley: See, you always agree with each other!

Lilly and Oliver: No, we don't!

Miley: I am definitely seeing a couple here!

Lilly and Oliver: You're not, because I'm not! Whew!

Robby: You know what that boy needs? A real girlfriend.

Miley: Dad, that is... the smartest thing you've ever said!

Robby: You what they say, every now and again, even a blind pig snorts up a truffle.

Lilly: And that is the weirdest.

Hannah: Look, you're very sweet, but... I have a boyfriend.

Oliver: A boyfriend? Wait... I don't understand. Then why did you kiss me?

Hannah: I didn't. The dog did.

Oliver: Oh, man. Those are the lips I've been thinking about for the past 24 hours?

Hannah: I'm sorry. I was trying not to hurt your feelings, it's just that... I'm just not interested. Okay?

Oliver: Okay, I get it.

Robby: Now get down off the roof, son. before you dent it. This is a rental.

Oliver: Fine. I won't bother you anymore.

Lola: If it helps, the dog hasn't stopped talking about you.

Oliver: You must think I'm pathetic.

Hannah: No. I think you're sweet. And maybe, if I didn't have a boyfriend, then...

Oliver: I'd have a chance with you?

Hannah: I never said that!

Oliver: But you implied it!

She's a Super Sneak

Robby: [holding up fish] Look at the size of this bad boy! Put up quite a battle, too. It was him! Then it was me! Then it was him! Then it was me!

Jackson: Dad, you got him at the fish mart.

Robby: Yeah, but you should have seen the size of the lady who tried to take him from me. It was her! Then it was…

Jackson: Alright, alright Dad, I get it.

Robby: So, what’s it going to be, Bucky? Pan fried or Barbeque?

Jackson: Dad, remember what we said about naming the fish?

Robby: What? [sticks fish in Jackson’s face]

Jackson: It make him a little harder to eat.

Miley: Lilly, my dad said no.

Lilly: You think he said no. He really said go. No. Go. It's a mistake that anybody can make. [drags Miley] Come on.

Miley: I hate lying to him.

Lilly: You're on your hands and knees in a movie theater. The honesty ship has sailed!

Oliver:[turns to Lilly] I just can't figure out one thing—why are we hiding?

Lilly: Oliver, you naive, simple boy…with a very good point. (to Miley) Best of luck.

Jackson: Let me paint you a picture. [grabs an apple & an orange] Hi, I'm Miley Stewart. (in a high, squeaky voice) And I'm her brother Jackson. [deepens voice & waves the apple] We snuck out to a movie last night where we saw you on a date with our father. Why are we telling you this? Out of an insane desire to get caught & grounded for the rest of our natural lives!

Miley: [rolls her eyes & stalls for time] Why do you always get to be the apple?

I Can't Make You Love Hannah If You Don't

Lilly: Miley!

Miley: What?

Lilly: Just go ask Josh out.

Miley: I can't! I'm from Tennessee. We don't do that.

Lilly: Well you're in California now, and we do do that.

[Jackson and Cooper start laughing]

Lilly: What?

Jackson: You said "do do"!

Miley: Grow up!

Jackson: You're the one that can't ask a guy out.

Miley: He's not just a guy, he's a ninth grader. I can't just put eighth grade moves on him.

Lilly: Good point. And besides, he probably doesn't even know you're alive. You're like some dried up insect on the windshield of his life. Not even in the center. You're way off to the side where the wipers don't reach. [making windshield wiper movements] squeak, squeak, squeak, splat. Squeak, squeak, squeak, squeak....

Miley: Lilly.

Lilly: What?

Miley: This is officially the worst pep talk ever.

Miley: Then I ate a napkin, and then Jackson was all, "You said 'do do'" and Lilly was all, "Bug on the windshield," and I was all "Good night everybody!" and that's why we have to move.

Robby: Sorry darling.

[Robby picks up phone]

Robby: Hello...Hold on. Miles, it's for you.

Miley: I can't talk to anyone right now. Could you just make something up?

Robby: Sorry Josh, she's in the bathroom. It could be a while.

Miley: No!

Robby: Hold on, sounds like she's finishing up.

Miley: Give me that phone. Hi. This is Miley.

Jackson: "It could be a while." You, sir, do not know how good you are.

Robby: Next time, I'm letting the machine pick up. You realize how much easier life was when she believed boys had cooties?

Miley: Yes! I can't believe it. I'm going out with a ninth grader! Woo-hoo! [pumps fist]

Robby: Don't believe it, because I'm not letting you! Woo-hoo! [pumps fist]

Miley: This is so unfair. [pouts & gazes at her father]

Robby: Sad face.

Miley: [nods]

Robby: [points at his own face] Not-buying-it-face.

Jackson: C'mon, Dad. It wasn't long ago that I was a ninth grader. And if he's anything like I was... [suddenly much more sober] You need to meet that boy!

Miley: Isn't that interesting? You have your opinion and he has his. You've gotta love a guy who isn't afraid to say how he feels!

Josh: I'm a little afraid to say anything right now.

Miley: No, you're not. If everybody says that they like hamburgers, then he's not afraid to say that he likes hot dogs! Right? [nods]

Josh: Okay. [looks confused]

Miley: And some people like skiing, and he's not afraid to say that he likes snowboarding!

Josh: Yeah! [picks up magazine with Hannah Montana on the cover] Some people like Hannah Montana, and I'm not afraid to say she stinks!

Miley: Abso— What?

Robby: Son of a gun. [puts arm around Miley] The boy's got three feet.

Jackson: (wearing shades and imitating The Terminator) Hello, I am the Jackson-ator! [takes off shades] These will not be back! (wearing another pair and imitating Ozzy Osbourne) Whoa, rock-n-roll! SHARON!!

Jackson: (after Olivia leaves him, puts on shades and imitates Ozzy Osbourne) Sharon! I'm so confused!!

Miley:This is so frustrating. I spent all day yesterday trying to get Josh like Hannah Montana.

Oliver: How'd it go? [fans out cards]

Miley: [smiles & fakes excitement] It went really well.He loves Hannah now, and we're getting married. [voice turns sarcastic] How do you think it went, ya doughnut!

Oliver: I'm going to go with not so well.

Lilly: Ding, ding, ding! And we have a winner.

Miley: Lilly, I'm serious. How can I go out with a guy who doesn't like half of me?

Lilly: He doesn't know he doesn't like half of you. So just let him think the half of you he likes is all of you. As long as the other half keeps her mouth shut, the three of you should make a beautiful couple.

Oliver: I'll never get chick math. [shakes head]

It's My Party and I'll Lie if I Want to

Oliver: Guys! You'll never guess who made the cover of the entertainment section! [waves newspaper]

Miley: [grabs a football] Hey Oliver! Go long! [throws football]

Oliver: Too looooooong! [jumps high to catch the football and falls off the edge of that part of the beach]

Miley: On the other hand,the beach sounds fun,too.

Lilly: But the mall has cute clothes.

Miley: But the beach has cute boys.

Lilly: TO THE BEACH!

It's a Mannequin's World

Girl: This is so cool! I've been waiting for months for these scarves to come out! I'm never taking it off!

Hannah: Great! Just be sure to shower in cold water only & lie yourself flat to dry.

Hannah: This is incredible. All these fans & the store even made a mannequin of me!

Lilly: That's not a mannequin, that's a Hannahquin, Miss Montanequin.

Hannah: Oh,no.

Lilly: What? That was cute-aquin!

Miley: [(as mannequin) swipes a jacket & tugs]

Girl: [turns & tries to pull the jacket off]

Miley: [holds on tighter]

Girl: [pulls harder]

Miley: Let go.

Roxy: Yeah, that's what you get when you mess with Crouching Tiger, Hidden Roxy!!

Roxy Ohhh, my Achy Breaky Back!!

Roxy: [on a rotating clothes rack in "Hannah's" closet] Excuse me! If I can get through that air vent, so can someone else! We're gonna work on that...

Mascot Love

Miley: Oh, hey, why don't you try out with me?

Lilly: Cheerleading? Give me an N! Give me an O! What's that spell?! No.

Miley: Have any questions?

Lilly: A couple. First, what the hecky is a herky? Second, if one is called a pompom, does that make two of them, pompompompoms? [turning to a "thinking" pose] These are the questions that haunt me.…

Miley: Show me what you got.

Lilly: Go team, throw the ball. Go team, to the mall!

Lilly: Move and squat and arms and jump and clap and arms and twirl and twirlie again, twirlie again-oof! How was that?

Jackson: N-now why is that when I ended up on the couch like that you grounded me for a week?

Robby: It's because you jumped from the piano.

Ashley: She [the coach] doesn't like you because you're too pretty and you threaten her.

Amber: The story of my life!

Miley: They've got our ball, we want it back. They've got our ball, we want it back. They've got our ball.…

Coach: You want it back. I get it, please something else.

Miley: Okay, here comes the good part…slide and slide and do the butterfly, dip and dip and shake my little hips, I want you and you to cheer it with me too.

Coach: Good job. When I asked you to bring it, you brought it! Now take it over there. Next is Lilly Truscott. The next minute of my life is yours. Don't waste it.

Lilly: Okay. [Repeats Miley's herky, poorly.]

Coach: Well! Wasn't that something.

Lilly: Can I try something a little different?

Coach: Yeah, "something different" would be good.

Miley: Oh no! I can't watch this! I only taught her one cheer!

Lilly: You might be good at football, you might be good at track, but when it comes to basketball you might as well step back. Come on, step back. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh! [Does cartwheels.]

Miley: [to Lilly] Wow, where did that come from?

Lilly: I just did all my skateboarding stunts without my skateboard.

Coach: Well you know what? Put the skateboard away and grab a uniform. You're on the squad!

[Miley and Lilly start "happy dancing"]

Oliver: Hey, uh, Jackson, where's Miley?

Jackson: Don't know.

Oliver: When's she gonna be back?

Jackson: Don't care.

Oliver: Could you tell her I stopped by?

Jackson: Don't count on it.

Jackson: Why does this always happen to me?

Oliver: I was kind of thinking the same thing.

Oliver: Hey, Jackson, Miley left her head at practice. Get it? Her head.

Jackson: Don't know.

Oliver: But I didn't ask that.

Jackson: Don't care.

Oliver: Will you stop?

Jackson: Don't count on it.

Jackson: [after putting the noodles to the drain] That, sir, was the sweet and sour sound of 50 dollars going in my pocket.

Robby: JACKSONNNN!!

Oliver: Is that sound.

Robby: JACKSONNNN!!

Ooo, Ooo, Itchy Woman

Robby: Miley, I know you don't want to share a tent with Amber and Ashley, but sometimes you've just got to make the best out of a bad situation.

Miley: Well in that case, I'm going to need a jar of honey, a thousand red ants, and the cover of nightfall. [takes a bite of chocolate cake]

Robby: Times like this, you remind me of your mom. [sits down at table] Look, Mile, I know those girls don't always treat you right, but sinking down to their level just isn't the answer.

Miley: How do we really know that until we try?

Miley: [watching herself doing Scratch Dancing] I can't watch this.

Robby: You don't have to watch it, I'm recording it. I never get tired of watching me being right.

Taylor Kingsford: And we're back with Hannah Montana. Hannah, welcome. I'm just itching to ask you a few questions.

Hannah: [scratching herself] And I'm just itching to answer them.

Jackson: Good work Dad! Alright rodent, kiss your whiskers goodbye!!

Robby: Whoa son! You don't kill a mouse with that kind of talent!! (to the mouse) Linda, you know Achy Breaky Heart?

On the Road Again

[after Robby sings "I Want my Mullet Back" outside the house]

Miley: You are the meanest man I have ever met!

Robby: Why?

Miley: To keep a talent so incredibly awesome as this away from a world that needs you so desperately. It's just so selfish. I can't even look at you.

Marty: Guess what I just heard? Toby Keith has a new opening act, you know who it is? Don't guess I'll tell you. It's you. Six beautiful weeks! One of which is in...yes...Hawaii. Ladies and Gentleman, Marty Klein.

Miley: Hey Maddie, just the tush I'd been looking for. Can you close my suitcase?

Maddie: What 'till I tell my friends that I sat on Hannah Montana's suitcase! Ahh!

Miley: You're not heavy enough. Here...hold these phone books.

Maddie: I just want to say goodbye and thanks for the tickets. Your concert was awesome!

Miley: Thanks. Now bounce up and down.

Maddie: Well, we are a full service hotel.

Maddie: [in a serious tone, to Hannah] I'd never be able to live with myself if I knew I was the one holding Robbie Ray back from howling again. Whew. [suddenly perky] Well, nice to meet you! We hope you enjoyed your stay at the Tipton Hotel.

Robby: Hey, bud, you all right?

Miley: I'm sorry.

Robby: For what? For crying? Hey, if you don't want me to go, just say so.

Miley: Daddy, you gave up your whole life so I could have my dream. How can I stop you from having yours?

Robby: You kids are my dream. I didn't give up my career because I had to. I gave it up because I wanted to.

Miley: But I saw you up here tonight. You did so good and you looked so happy.

Robby: I was, but I was a lot happier when I saw you kids coming through the door.

Miley: So does that mean you don't want to do the tour anymore?

Robby: 6 weeks away from you kids? I think I'd miss you too much.

Miley: We'd miss you, too. Well, maybe you can just do the Hawaii part and take us.

Roxy: You're angry, aren't you?

Jackson: Yeah!

Roxy: That yoga didn't work for you, did it?

Jackson: [sarcastically] No!

Roxy: That's because you need some acupuncture. I'll go get my needles.

Miley: Roxy, I didn't think that the Marines did yoga!

Roxy: Oh, I didn't learn this in the Corp. Mm-mmm. I learned it when I was touring India with world famous cellist, Yo Yo Ma. He calls me his Yo-Yo Mama. [laughs]

Roxy: (to Jackson and Miley while asleep) My eyes may be closed, but my brain is on red alert! (makes a "I've got my eyes on you" gesture) [in between snores] Hiya!

Marty: [walks in and sees Miley & Robby hugging] What a beautiful scene. A man and his children sharing a heartfelt goodbye. You know what that reminds me of? The fact that my car is running and E85 is $2.50 a gallon! Let's move!

Marty: And look, there's handsome, young Jackson. And pretty, little Miley, who I have not spoken to or had contact with in any way whatsoever...especially on the phone.

Miley: It's okay, Marty. He knows I called you.

Marty: Good, 'cause I'm a terrible liar.

Robby: Sweetheart, that was ten years ago. I bet my old manager doesn't even remember my name.

[Doorbell rings.]

Marty: Robby Ray, open this door!

Miley: Oh, is that your old manager, Marty Klein?

Jackson: I believe it is.

Lilly: What a weird coin-ke-dink.

Robby: You guys are smooth.

Marty: Where is my honky-tonk heartthrob? There he is! Look at you, you look exactly the same! No, you look better! I hate you! I love you! Give me a hug!

Robby: Hey, mad man Marty. The one man party. I missed you old buddy.

Marty: Stop it, you'll make me cry.

Jackson: You guys, you gotta check this out! [holds up videotape] It's labeled "Robby Palooza."

Miley: Oh! Dad had his own Palooza.

Lilly: My dad had his own calculator.

Lilly: [holding up a "Robby Ray Live" record album] I can't believe this is your dad. It's lucky records are so big. There's no way you'd fit all that hair on a CD.

Miley: It's called a mullet. Business in the front, a party in the back! Oh, yeah!

Lilly: Before your dad was a dad, he was cool. Before my dad was a dad, he was an accountant. Debits on the left, credits on the right, fight fight fight! It's not the same, is it?

Miley: It is the same idea, but with computers.

Lilly: Miley, do you realize that even though my dad was an accountant before you existed, you have more money than him?

Miley: That makes me feel special. I wonder what it was like to be an accountant in the 1980's?

Maddie: Oh, my gosh! You're Robby Ray! My mom thought you were dead. She's going to be so excited you're alive!

Robby: I'm kinda happy about that myself.

O Say Can You Remember The Words?

Oliver: [takes two oranges and puts them in front of his eyes] Look! I'm a fruit fly! Buzz...

Miley: [hits Oliver in the back of the head, causing the oranges to fall out] Now you're a dead fruit fly.

Hannah: [singing the national anthem] Oh say can you see, by the dawn's early light.Through yonder window breaks. [eyes dart around nervously] Uhhhh.Rampart's...no,rockets red glare.Yeah,right.That's right.

Person:You stink!

Lakers fans:[laugh & boo]

Crowd:[start pelting her with buckets of popcorn,hot dog rolls,& cups of soda]

Hannah:[grabs 2 empty cups & puts them over her eyes]Look!I'm a cup fly.Ya get it?Buzz

Oliver: (to Miley)Trust me. This has been going on forever.[flashback]

Younger Oliver: [dressed as Abraham Lincoln] Fourscore and...Fourscore and... [puts two oranges in front of his eyes]I'm a fruit fly. Abraham Fruitfly.

Miley: I am so sorry you had to see that, Bearie.[kisses Bearie's nose]

Lilly: Bearie the bear?[raises her eyebrows] You couldn't do any better than that?

Miley: I was three!And I'm not changing his name now. That would just confuse him.

Miley: But, is just a word you use when you are afraid of trying.

Oops! I Meddled Again

Miley: (reading compter) Dear Hannah, get your bras out of the shower. Jackson from Malibu.

Jackson: (walking into the room) And I mean it too.

Miley: Great, he touched it. Now I have to burn it!

Jackson: (walking into room) Miles, my bathrobe fell in the toilet so I borrowed yours. Hope you don't mind.

Miley: Great! Now I have to burn that too!

Miley: Making the world a better place for luuuuv. [presses SEND button]

Robby: Son, I say, there's nothing better than a 10 mile run down the beach. One of these days I'll know what the feels like.

(Robby buys something from Rico's Surf Shop)

Jackson: How about a tip, dad?

Robby: Ok, here's one. Stop leaving your underwear all over the kitchen floor.

Becca: Miley, why are you dressed like a chicken?

Miley: Because they were all out of gorilla suits. Can we move on? Oliver & I need a little time to talk...you know, face-to-beak. [yanks Oliver & pulls him away]

Becca: [looks in with dismay]

Miley: You didn't break up with her,did you?

Oliver: Uh...

,,,miley,,,: yeah

Miley: Seriously, I didn't read your mind, that's ridiculous. I read...your PDA, which I stole from your gym locker.

Becca: Why would you do that?

Miley: 'Cause I'm a baaaad chicken!

Oliver: And, because she's in love with me!

Jackson:Everybody dance, everybody sing, everybody try a chicken wing!

Miley: Becca e-mailed Hannah Montana .She said she had a big crush on you.

Oliver: Becca Weller has a crush on me? [points to himself] Me?

Lilly: I know. We were shocked too.

Cooper: I don't get it, man. What happened to Oliver "Smokin'" Oken?

Oliver: I just totally froze. Has that ever happened to you?

You're So Vain, You Probably Think This Zit Is About You

Miley:This isn't about me or my perfect skin.Hey,Oliver,would you please tell Lilly that looks don't matter?

Oliver: Okay. Looks don't matter.

Miley: See?If Oliver can say that with his nostril thing,you can get over your glasses.

Oliver: Yeah.What?

Miley: You know how one is way bigger than the other.

Oliver:[stares at Miley]

Miley:But you don't see him obsessing over it.

Oliver:Look at me!I'm a lopsided freak!

Miley:Don't you have back up glasses?

Lilly:Oh, you mean these? [takes out black, chunky glasses]

Miley:Wow...wee!Look at those...uh,stylin' specs!

Lilly:Nice try.Never let your mother buy you glasses at a place that also sells tires.

New Kid in School

Jake: I'm really not a bad guy. Besides, you're the only one in school who hasn't been falling all over me and...I kinda like that. Plus, you're cute.

Miley: You really think I'm cute? [quickly] Not that I care.

Teacher: How 'bout you, ya backtalk, and your gurgling intestines, in the PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE!

Lilly: [enthusiastically] 'Sup, Jake? 'Sup?

Miley: Hey Lilly, you dropped something.

Lilly: What?

Miley: Your dignity.

[As the reporter is about to leave]

Robby: [wearing a mullet] I'm sorry, I haven't officially introduced myself. I'm Billy Ray Cyrus!

Miley: Lilly. Build a bridge, and get over it!

More Than a Zombie to Me

Lily: The Jake ship has sailed! [turns around and comes back] And you're not on it! [turns around and comes back again] I'm in a first class cabin!

Miley: Just leave mad already!

Lilly: Happily.[both leave wrong way] My house is this way!

Miley: My house is that way![both go right way]

Torn Between Two Hannahs

Oliver: [when they can't tell who's who] I have an idea.

Lilly: What?

Oliver: Both of you, kiss me!

Luanne: Okay!

Miley: Ew!

Oliver: That's Miley. [points to the real Miley]

Miley: Dad, that's awesome. That is the best song you've ever written, I can't wait to record it. What's the bad news?

Lilly: Bad news? What are you talking about? It's a great song!

Robby: Thank you, Lilly! You know I've always liked her.

Miley: Don't change the subject. Everytime there's bad news, he tries to soften it up with a great song. Best of Both Worlds- had to get braces. This is the Life- Jackson decided not to go to sleepaway camp. Pumpin' Up the Party- my goldfish died.

Oliver: When my goldfish died, my mom flushed it down the toilet. I'll never forget her comforting words: "Get over it, Oliver. It's a stinkin' fish."

Lilly: That explains so much.

Miley: Come on dad, just tell me. I can handle it.

Robby: [sighs; quickly] Your cousin Luanne's coming to visit, who wants pie? [Miley freezes]

Lilly and Robby Ray: Miley? Miley?

Oliver: What kind of pie?

Robby: Come on, Mile. Don't forget that wonderful, wonderful song that I just wrote you that you love so much.

Mr. Dontzig: AAAHH! Two Stewarts! [grabs candy and stuffs it in his pocket] AAAHH! [grabs the whole pot of candy and runs] AAAHH!

Luann: Well, that took you long enough to figure that out, Lulu.

Lilly (as Lola): It's Lola.

Luann: Whatever! Lilly, Lola, Lulu. You might as well go by "Purple Hair!

Oliver: [after Luanne gets up on stage] Hey guys I found her. She's up on stage!

Miley: [sarcastically] Good work!

Oliver: Have no fear ladies. [pulls out small sword] The Masked Musketeer has a plan.

Miley: Great! My life is in the hand of Count Chest Hair.

Oliver: [when he and Miley walk into the party] You know, I had a dream like this once. Except the room was filled with Jessica Simpsons and I had more than one chest hair.

Miley: And what has all this taught you?

Robby: That I should believe my kids when they say their cousins are evil.

Miley: And?

Robby: That I should always bring my cell phone when I leave the house in case my daughter gets tied up in her closet.

Miley: And?

Robby: I'm sorry.

Robby: C'mon, let's not forget who pulled you out of that well when you were six.

Miley: And let's not forget who pushed me in!

Robby: Like I've always told you, an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind.

Mr. Dontzig: Stewart! [comes running into house] Stewart! You gotta help me! Those candy-grabbers are like piranha! They're coming by the busload. It's like someone put an ad in the paper.

Robby: The paper? Why, that's way too slow. If somebody wanted to get information out fast, they'd just run down Pacific Coast Highway with a bullhorn.

Mr. Dontzig: You didn't.

Robby: [picks up bullhorn] Oh yes I did. Gotcha. [turns to door] Okay kids, come on in, don't be shy.

Mr. Dontzig: Curse you, Stewart! [runs away]

Miley': Dad, what about revenge making the whole world blind?

Robby: I was teaching that to you; it's too late for me.

People Who Use People

Hannah: Oh Jake, I bet you say that to all your co-stars, push Jake... I mean... [pushes Jake]

Lily: Remember when you used to like cake more than girls?

Oliver: Yeah...kids!

Lily: Oh, just go get some!

Oliver: Okay, maybe one piece.

Miley: (angrily) Wha'choo talkin' 'bout, Willis?!

Miley: I thought you were graduating!

Willis: I am!

Miley: Elementary school!

Jake: Plus it was kind of cool that you did all that just to make me jealous.

Miley: Whoa, whoa, slow down ego-boy, why would I try to make you jealous? Besides, you have a girlfriend.

Jake: Holly? She's not my girlfriend. We have a movie coming out, so we been hanging out as a publicity thing.

Miley: Why didn't you tell me that before?!

Jake: Ah...well...I think I....

Miley: Wait a minute...you were trying to make ME jealous.

Jake: Was not.

Miley: Was too... Admit it, Jake, you like me!

Jake: No! You like me- just say it.

Miley: No, you say it.

Jake: No, you.

Miley: No, YOU!

[Jake kisses Miley.]

Holly: Isn't that your senior boyfriend over there? [points to Willis]

Miley: No, that's just some guy who looks like him.

Willis: I'm King Willis!

Miley: And has the same name.

[Willis looks up, sees Miley and waves.]

Willis: Hi Miley!

Miley: And knows me.

Miley: Willis drinks it black.

Jake: Holly drinks it latte.

Miley: Willis shaves.

Jake: Holly waxes.

Miley: Willis is a senior.

Jake:[trying to keep a strait face] Wow...

Miley: Toodles!

Jackson: Now Dad, at the parent-teacher conference you might hear something about a belching contest. I just want you to know that it never happened. (ecstatically) And I was NOT the CHAMPION!!

Robby: I can't approve of that kind of behaviour. But I guess better out the attic (belching) than out the basement (flatulence)!

Jackson: Whoa whoa whoa...you and Kunkle had coffee? You're kidding!!

Jackson: C'mon, what's a dash of terragon among friends?

Robby Ray: That's it! The next person who says terragon is gonna be gone!

Ms. Kunkel: (calmly) Terragon. (walking out of house) Terragon. Terra- I am so- gone! (leaves in a huff)

Money for Nothing, Guilt for Free

Miley: Well we gotta find a way to make her take the money.

Oliver: Yeah, and maybe an umbrella.

Lilly: I bet she will take the donation from a generous celebrity.

Miley: I bet she would

Oliver: yeah right!where are we gonna find one of those?

[miley and lilly hit him with a pillow]

Miley: you think he learned by now?

Debt It Be

Jackson: How did I lose my card?!

Miley: Oh, don't worry, it's probably right next to your brain... Oh, then you'll never find it.

Jackson: How did the carpet make sense?

Miley: The guy said it would match my shoes?

Oliver: I think I'm in love! [walks toward sandwich] You're wearing avocado, aren't you? You know what that does to me.

Miley: What's wrong with you, boy?

Oliver: It's free food, I'm a guy, do the math.

Miley: Oh, I have to have these shoes!

Oliver: Why?

Miley: They're shoes, I'm a girl, do the math.

Jackson: Why did Dad call a family meeting? I hate family meetings.

Miley: What did you do?

Jackson: What do you mean,what did I do,what did you do?

Miley: I didn't do anything,I never do anything.

Jackson: Listen,it doesn't matter who did what,just as long as we stay united,stay strong and stand together. [sees Robbie coming and points at Miley] She did it,she did it,I saw her with my own two eyes.You should be ashamed of yourself.

Jackson: You are a cruel cruel father.

Robbie: Oh yeah? would a cruel cruel father give you these? [takes two credit cards out]

Jackson and Miley: credit cards!

Miley: My very first credit card.Today I am woman [kisses her credit card]

Robbie: And I am still a Dad and these cards are just used for emergencies only!

My Boyfriend's Jackson & There's Gonna Be Trouble

Jackson: [mimicking Miley] "Don't bother switching the limos tonight, nobody's following us!" I am so smart BLAH! BLAH! BLAH!

Hannah: Actually, I've got some news about me and Jackson.

Audience: Ooooooo! (with excitment)

Hannah: No, it's kinda serious.

Audience: Ooooooooooo!!(frustrated)

Hannah: The truth is...me and Jackson are...

Jackson: [runs into room] Totally and completely in love! (bouncing around the stage like the Tom Cruise on the couch on the Oprah show) I love Hannah Montana! I love Hannah Montana! I LOVE HANNAH MONTANA!! (rips open sweatshirt to reveal a custom-made shirt that reads Jacksannah)

Robby: Jackson I'm gonna ask you a question I never had to ask one my kids before. Why didn't you break up with your sister?

----

Jackson: [looking cheesed off] "Madonna's a cat?! I'm at a birthday party, in a tent, for a CAT?!" [sarcastically] "What's for dessert, chocolate mousse or chocolate mouse?"

We Are Family: Now Get Me Some Water!

Jackson: Sorry about the whole convertible top thing.

Lola: You got a little something in your teeth.

Hannah: Ewww! It's a fly!

[Miley is calling Jackson on his phone, and she can hear his phone ringing]

Miley: [impersonating Jackson] "Hello there, you've reached Jackson. I'm Hannah's assisticant. I can't do any assisticating right now because I forgot my phone. Yukkity, yukkity, yuk."

Miley: [interrupted by Jackson] Jackson I'm trying to rehearse for the American Teen Music Awards!

Jackson: Yeah. Don't worry; you're not bothering me.

Miley: But you're bothering me!

Jackson: Oh right. Don't care. Look out cow! Ooh... look at that heifer fly. Right into the marching band!

Miley: Hey Jackson, you have a real car, you know. Here's a thought: Get in it and drive away!

Rico: Fine, fine, you win.

Miley: [excited] I do?

Rico: [grinning] Yeah. He's fired.

[Robby is playing a video game, and a squaking is heard]

Miley: What just happened?

Robby: I just ran over an armadillo.

Schooly Bully

Miley: Oh you better run, cracka, 'cause Miley like a puma!

Roxy: Pretend I'm Miley and you're the Cracker.

Lilly: I'd rather not!

Roxy: C'mon, I'm not gonna hurt ya!

Lilly: [as the Cracker] Ooh, Miley! Gimme your lipstick!

Roxy: Ahhhh! Principal, principal! Help me, help me!

Lilly: I'm late aren't I?

Miley: Just a smidge!

Miley: (walks up to the Cracker waving hands) Yah! Hi-Yah! Be afraid cause' Miley like a puma! Hi-Yah!

Lilly: Yeah, that's right Cracka'. You better run cause' miley's like a bad puma!

[Cracker just stares at Miley and Lilly]

Miley: (in scared voice) Miley like a puma?! Hi-Yah?! ... Miley run like a puma!

The Idol Side of Me

Lola: Primp all you want, Lil' Miss Cool-List! You are about to get a makeup malfunction everyone will be downloading forever!

Hannah: She won't get hurt or anything, will she?

Lola: Just her pride. Nationwide... Nowhere to hide- Humilefied! Sad inside!

Hannah: Are you done?

Lola: Okay. Just remember: You go through the red and she goes through the green... Because she's mean, like an evil queen! [Hannah gives her a look] Okay, now I'm done.

Robby: Oh for the love of niblets!

Bad Moose Rising

Miley: You can go home and relax. Ahhhh.

Jackson: Or, you can make a moose. Oooooh.

Miley: Go home and relax. Ahhhhh.

Jackson: Make a moose. Oooooh.

Patty: I think I want to...make a moose!

Miley: [in failure] Ahhhhhhhh!

Dontzig: Stewart, I'm sick of your leaves in my pool!

Robby: And I'm sick of your face in my house!!

Miley: (singing) She's done, I won! I didn't cave, now you're my slave! I get to go, to the fashion show! Ha ha ha ha ha, HA!

Jackson: Whoa whoa whoa, slow down there, Busta Rhymes!

Me and Rico Down by the Schoolyard

Lilly: You'll never be able to go to school again! Unless you move to the South Pole, completely cut off from all civilization, and you'll eventually go mad, mad I tell you, MAD!

Miley: You put extra sugar in your cereal this morning, didn't you?

Lilly: Yes, and now the room is spinning...

Miley: Hey, bro!

Jackson: Junior, Freshman, no bro, gotta go!

Oliver: Take your stinking paws off me, you darned dirty ape!!

[NOTE: This quote is taken from 'Planet Of The Apes']

Lilly: You brought Beary the Bear to school?

Miley: Hey! It was a big day, I'm nervous and... he wanted to see the school!

Lilly: Well, would you zip him back up, please?

Miley: Okay... but not all the way, he's afraid of the dark.

Robby: [trying to get Miley up for school] Don't make me get the water bucket!

Miley: [suddenly sits up, eyes wide open] You wouldn't!

Jackson: [comes in, wet] Oh yes he would!

Oliver: [to football player] My mom's a cop! [runs away]

Rico: [after kissing Miley on the lips] He shoots! He scores!

Miley: He's toast!

Cuffs Will Keep Us Together

Miley: Darn right yeah! Your goin down Phoney Joanie!

Lilly: Who smells like week old baloney!

Miley: Been in your locker all alone-y!

Lilly: Right next to that...that...

Miley: Melted ice-cream cone-y!

Lilly: Ooh! Girl, you are in the zone-y!

Joanie: Yo, Salt-n-Pepa, wanna bet on it?

Miley: Does she? How 'bout winning captain gets to give loosing captain a little haircut.

[Lilly looks at Miley.]

Joanie: You're on!

[Lilly turns to Joanie.]

Lilly: Or, we could bet a quarter, 'cuz it's just about the fun of competition!

Joanie: No, it's really about me kicking your butt again! Yeah!!

Miley: What is taking Oliver so long?

Lilly: What do you expect, it's Oliver... Now would you stop pacing?

Miley: Will you stop sitting?

Lilly: NO!

Miley: Fine!

[cell phone rings]

Lilly: Hah- [gasps] MAN!! You owe me an apple!

Miley: Would you keep it down, I'm on the phone!

You Are So Sue-Able To Me

Lilly: I look like Amber and Ashley threw up on me!

[Miley and Robby return home from the concert to find Lilly sitting glumly by the back door, still in her dress.]

Miley: Lilly, what happened? I tried calling you every time I got offstage. Were you a little too busy with Matt?

Lilly: He stood me up. I waited at home for 2 hours.

[Miley puts her arm around Lilly as Robbie Ray walks in.]

Robby: Lilly?! Look at you! I'll bet some hearts were broken tonight.

Lilly: [sobbing] Just one!

[Lilly turns her face and continues crying.]

Miley: Way to go, Dad!

Miley: [juicing an orange and speaking in rhythm] How can boys be so cruel?! How could someone do something like that to Lilly? Don't they know how delicate and fragile [crushes orange in her hand] girls are?

Robby: Sugar and spice and hands like a vise. Heaven help the boy who stands you up.

Miley: You got that right, bud.

Lilly: Thanks for letting me sleep over.

Robby: It was our pleasure, Lilly.

Lilly: [tears up] Lilly! That's what Matt calls me!

Miley: Dad.

Robby: That's her name!

Miley: Think a little!

Robby: Would you like some bacon Li..ttle pieces of bacon?

Lilly: No, thanks. But don't let me spoil your morning. You go ahead and live your happy lives! Enjoy!

Miley: Dad, maybe you should... [points outside]

Robby: Gotcha. I'm just gonna go out on the deck and eat. I just need to get one of these placemats.

Lilly: [sobs] Matt! [flops over on her side on the couch]

Miley: [points again] Out!

(TV Advertisement)

Judge: Have you been put through pain and suffering? Did someone do you wrong?

Miley: They did wrong!

Lilly: Heck yeah!!

Judge: Well don't just sit there and take it! Take it to Teen Court!

All: Where justice is served!!

Judge: Now, it says here you're suing for the cost of...dress and makeup.

Lilly: Don't forget shoes.

Miley: Tears!

Lilly: [sobbing] And mani-pedi!

Judge: [to Matt] This girl got a mani-pedi for you?!

Thor: (singing to Jackson) Happy happy Playoffs, may all your dreams come true! I hope you like this carrot cake, my Mom made it for you!

Thor: So what was it you wanted to say about the Game?

Jackson: You're paying for parking.

Thor: Okey-dokey artichoke-y!

Jackson: Thor, stop thaying that, THAYing that! Uh, excuse me Thor, I'm late for Thience Clath! DANGFLABBIT!!

Lilly: Oh, Todd, you're so funny!

Miley: Lower and slower.

Lilly: [slow voice] Oh, Todd, you're so funny...

Matt: Lilly?

Lilly: [high pitched] Oh boy!

[Miley hits her.]

Lilly: [slow voice] I mean oh boy...

Matt: You're, uh...

Lilly: [slow voice] I know, and it's all for you...

Matt: Yeah and...

Lilly: [slow voice] Shh...save it for the dance...

Amber: [to Lilly] Nice shot, Shaq!

Ashley: Yeah, muy maco!

Amber: It's macho.

Ashley: Whatever! You know I'm bad at French.

[Lilly makes a face.]

Ashley: Well, at least I know how to be a girl!

Miley: I never thought this day will come, but...Amber and Ashley are right! I hate you making me say that!

Sarah: Guess who's going to the dance on Friday with Gabe Lamottie?

Miley: You mean Hottie Lamottie, with a swimmer's body?

Lilly: Who?

Sarah: Me! [dreamily] We started out as lab partners and the next thing I know, I have his boutonniere growing in its own self-contained biosphere...

Lilly: [after seeing Matt with Amber and Ashley] What is he doing?!

Ashley: [to Matt] I love skateboarding! It's so viral!

Amber: It's virile.

Ashley: Who cares? It's still hot!

Amber & Ashley: [in unison] And so are you! Oooh! Tsss.

Miley: Looks like someone's messin' with your man.

Lilly: That's it, I'm through with being one of the guys! Girl me up, baby!

[on "Teen Court"]

Miley: [dressed as a lawyer] Your Honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, what would this country be if men didn't keep their promises? What if George Washington promised to cross the Delaware, but didn't, because it was a little chilly outside? What if Abraham Lincoln promised to save the Union, but broke that promise because he wanted to buy a new hat? What if Rutherford B. Hayes-

Judge: [bangs gavel] Yo, Tina Talks-a-lot, over here!

[Miley approaches the bench.]

Miley: I know what you're thinking: "How does she do it without any notes?"

Judge: I'll tell you what I'm thinking. If somebody doesn't get food dumped on them in the next five minutes, then my audience is going to dump me. And if Joe gets dumped, Joe can't pay for his big boat. [holds up framed photo of large fishing boat] And Joe likes his big boat.

Miley: Got it. [walks over to Matt]

Miley: Okay, so you asked her out, you stood her up, and you broke her heart! And all we want to know is, why? Why, why, WHY-?

Judge: [holds up photo of boat again] BIG BOAT!

Miley: I'm done.

Get Down, Study-udy-udy

Miley: Oh, Rico.

Rico: Hey, bubble-brain, how's it going?

Miley: Aww, smart, funny, and-

Lilly: Dead on about that bubble-brain. [Miley glares at her] But just in biology. Other than that, you're sharp as a tick!

Miley: That's tack.

Lilly: You see?

Rico: Good thing you two are pretty.

Miley: I mean it's not like she stands up there and says: fibula, tibia, clavical, rib, we call this the humerus and that's no fib!

Rico: [to Miley] Don't worry, lollipop. You could always marry money.

Miley: What?

Rico: That song, those moves, your voice. It all reminds me of some famous singer.

Miley: Kelly Clarkson?

Lilly: Hilary Duff?

Oliver: [snaps fingers] Jay-Z!

Rico: I got it! Hannah Montana!

[Miley, Lilly, and Oliver exchange looks of panic, then start laughing.]

Miley: How about that, you little joker, you're so- [scoffs]

Rico: You're right. What was I thinking? This bubble-brain could never pull off something like that!

Hannah: [talking to her audience] I know, I can't wait! Swiss chocolate, Italian shoes, and French boys...ooh la la!

Robby: [from backstage] Ooh la la? Uh uh uh! That's it! The closest we're gonna get to Paris is Paris, Texas!

Ms. Kunkle: Morning, Stewart.

Snowball: Stupid bird brain!

Ms. Kunkle: Detention, Stewart.

(After Robby and snowball finish singing a version of 'I want my mullet back')

Robby: Alright Snowball, we're gonna take 5, and afterwards I'm teaching you 'Wanna Be Your Joe'!

Snowball: (makes parrot sound) Robby rocks!!

Robby: And don't you forget it!

Miley: MOOYAH!

I Am Hannah, Hear Me Croak

[singing to the tune of I Got Nerve]

Jackson: You want some toast? I bet you do!

Robby: Please add some jam and butter too.

Jackson: We're out of grape, so sad! It's all your fault you bad dad!

Robby: [stops singing] Son!

Jackson: What?

Robby: [singing] You got nerve!

Jackson: Thatta girl. [hands Miley a whiteboard; she starts writing something] Now if you need to say anything for the next couple of days, just use that. Hannah Montana has never canceled a concert before and she's not gonna start now. I know that would just break your heart...and when your heart breaks, baby sis', so does mine!

Robby: [reading from whiteboard] You got a hot date for the concert, don't ya "Jerkson"?

Jackson: Dad!

Robby: She wrote it!

Jackson: Why would you even think that I would put my own little sis-

Robby: What's her name, son?

Jackson: Jenny and she's a total babe! So put cork in it, Froggy. I got a lot of ridin' on this.

Robby: Ah, ah, ah, use the pad.

[Miley hits Jackson with the marker board.]

Robby: Couldn't have said it better myself.

[Miley smiles into space]

Oliver: Wow a week without talking. That’s gotta be hard for a girl. Now us guys, we're different. I don't need to talk. If I couldn't talk for a month, it wouldn't bother me at all. But girls just talk, talk, talk, talk, talk! Hey, Sally! Nice capris. Oh, I like your purse!

(Miley shows her marker board to Oliver)
Okay now that’s just rude.

Lilly: Miley, I know this is gonna be hard for you, but you gotta stop fighting it. And don't worry, we're gonna be here for you until you get your voice back.

Hot Guy: Hey Lilly, you wanna catch a few?

Lilly: Oh yeah! (Looks at Miley) Please, please, please, please? Look!

(Miley points to the ocean)

Oliver: You know this is nice. Just sittin' here, the sun, the beach. That’s the thing about nature that is just so quiet and peaceful. Not like what you get in the city! Ehh ehh! Whoo whoo whoo! Pull the vehicle over! Pull th-

(Miley hitting her self)

Oliver: I know, drives me crazy, too!

Dex: Hey, Oliver.

Oliver: What up, Dex?

Dex: Miley, feeling better? Great, so maybe if you're not busy Friday night, maybe we could to the movies or something.

Oliver: Hey, I got this one for you. (Speaking for Miley) In your dreams! A point, Dexter! (Tells Miley) We're playing hard to get. (Miley hits Oliver)

Oliver: Okay... What she meant was movies shmovies, just plant one on her right now, Big Boy! (Miley hits her again) Ouch! Will you make up your mind? You and me are giving Dex mixed signals.

Dex: Maybe some other time!

(Miley kneels and mouths "Dex come back!!!")

Lilly: [in class] The only other thing that's on here is "I heart Dex," and I'm not gonna say that out loud when he's sitting right there... Oops!

[after a week of silence Miley's voice returns]

Lilly: [as she and Miley hug] Oh, it's so good to hear your voice again!

Miley: [angrily] "I heart Dex"?!

Lilly: [desperately] Of course, the last thing you want to do is overwork it!

Miley: "Betty Burg's Address"?!

Oliver: Oh man, did you make her look dumb!

[Miley turns on Oliver.]

Miley: "Just plant one on her right now, big boy"?!

Oliver: Oh, like you weren't thinking it!

Oliver: [to Jackson/Bucky Kentucky] Dude, dude, dude, dude, you rock!!

Lilly: [screaming] I LOVE YOU!!

Lilly: I like your Mom. She's funny.

Oliver: [dreamily] She's pretty too...

Miley: That's it. You're outta here!

[Oliver starts moving toward the door, as if being pulled by an invisible force.]

Oliver: Wait! Why am I going? I don't want to go! STOP! This is not fair!

Mom: You see? You were loved long before you were Hannah Montana, and you'll be loved long after Hannah's on one of those "Where Are They Now?" shows.

Miley: I think you're confusing me with Dad.

Doctor: Doesn't that make you feel better? It doesn't, does it. I'll stop talking now.

Miley: [squeaking] Ya think?

Jackson: Besides, what do you think's gonna happen? Just as the surgery's about to start, a meteor hits a bus. The bus drives into a hot dog stand, a giant neon weiner flies into the power lines, the lights go off in the operating room, and the next thing you know, you're spending the rest of your life singing like Aunt Pearl after she swallowed that kazoo! Remember? [Starts making kazoo noises.]

Miley: Oh no. I'm never gonna be Hannah Montana again, all because of a giant weiner! [Runs upstairs.]

You Gotta Not Fight for Your Right to Party

Robby: There ya go Lilly. Why don't ya read it to me to see how it sounds.

Lilly: "Dear Lilly and Oliver-" Oh boy.

Robby: Keep going. It gets better.

Lilly: "How dumb do y'all think I am? Love, Robby Ray." ...I like the "love" part.

Robby: Let me tell you a bit about my days in the band.

[Miley and Jackson groan.]

darn you idiot

Jackson: ...you told her to shorten her last name...

Miley: ...and the rest...

Jackson: ...is history.

Robby: That is a true story. But are we talking about that right now? NO! We're talking about the fact that you two can't learn to get along!

Jackson: She spit on my neck!!

Miley: I almost wiped my face with his underwear! (crying voice) Daddy I'm gonna live with that for the rest of my life!!

Jackson: Oh no! here comes Dr. Phil-Billy!

Jackson: Hi! I'm Miley, now I'm Hannah, now I'm Miley. I'm a real girl, I'm a pop star! Everybody makes mistakes, everybody has those days, except for me because I'm PERFECT! [to Miley] your turn

Miley: My pleasure: Girls, cars, nose hair [makes armpit farting noises] Good day, I said good day, Daddy! Whoo. Now I dont know about you, but I feel much much better.

My Best Friend's Boyfriend

Miley: This is a big moment for Lilly. And if you had a romantic bone in your body you'd be able to see that!

Oliver: Hey, I have eyes. Okay, look.

[Lucas says something to Lilly and she laughs.]

Oliver: He just said something funny, she laughed. Big whoop!

Miley: She's not laughing cause he's funny. She's laughing cause he's cute! Boy brains, you might as well scoop em out and store nuts up there.

Lucas: You are so cute.

Lilly: You’re cuter!

Lucas: No, you’re cuter.

Lilly: No, you’re cuter.

Miley: Yeah. You’re both adorable. Can you pass the salt?

Lucas: I made you a mixed CD. To celebrate the 9 days we’ve spent together.

Miley: It’s right there, next to the pepper!

Lilly: The soundtrack of our love…

Miley: Help me out here, people! I’m chewing on cardboard here!

Lucas: You make me so happy Lily Pad!

Lilly: Not as happy as you make me, Lukey-Wukey

Miley: I think I’m gonna pukey-wukey.

Oliver: I found out I'm an autumn, capri pants are best for my figure, and that true love eventually turns into a warm, comfortable glow.

Take This Job and Love It

Robby: So how was your date?

Miley: [referring to Roxy] Mine...or hers?

Miley: [referring to Roxy] She put a bell around his arm so every time he tried to make a move it went dingdingdingdingding!

Robby: Exactly how many times did this boy "Ding?"

Miley: It doesn't matter. Every time he went "ding," she went, "Don't," and I went "Dang!"

Achey Jakey Heart: Parts 1 & 2

Jake: Except for this wig. It's worse than the one I wore in Teen BigFoot. "The only thing bigger than his feet-"

Miley and Lilly: [in unison] Was his-

Oliver: [suddenly waking up] WAS HIS HEART!

Miley: What kind of relationship will it be if I have to lie to him about half of my life?

Robby: Well, you could always tell him the truth.

Miley: What?!

Robby: Or not. Honey, I know it's a tough decision, but I'm sure you'll make the right one.

Miley: No I won't! I'm 14! I'm almost guaranteed to mess this up. You're the adult. You're supposed to tell me what to do!

Robby: Now what kind of a father would I be if I just ordered you around all the time?

Miley: A normal one? I swear, you are no help at all. [leaves]

Robby: Huh. Boy, even when I don't say something, I say something wrong!

Jackson: [to Rico, after he criticized his surf shop, saying IHOF, "international house of failure"] Well, maybe I will! But instead, I'll call it, International House of Reasonably Priced Water! And Fries! And... Stuff! IHORPWAFAS!

[Rico starts leaving, unimpressed.]

Jackson: Yeah, yeah! Hear the name and tremble, Rico! I...HORPWAFAS!

Miley: Learn to love his flaws?

Oliver: Yeah, like the adorable way he steals water from little girls!

Miley: Thanks for letting me cut in line, sweetie. My boyfriend had his tonsils out, he can barely talk.

Jake: Miley, what's taking so long?

Miley: (nervously) Did I say tonsils? I meant kidneys!

Little Girl: (angrily) My mom has a taser. ZZZTTT!

Miley: RUN!

Lilly: Why?

Miley: Soccer Mom with a taser!

[Note: Emily Osment, who plays Lilly, has a starring role in the film 'Soccer Mom']

Jake: (waiting for a order of ice cream in a bout of severe impatience) How do people do this? IT'S AGONY! How long have we been here?

Oliver: Well, in one minute, it will be exactly...a minute and a half.

Hannah: You're not dating Hannah, you're dating Miley! You can't get caught cheating on me with me!

Jake: Huh?

Hannah: Keep up, movie star. Ain't rocket science.

Miley: Lilly why do you read that tabloid trash, it's nothing but lies...

Lilly: [reading tabloid] Hannah Montana looks fabulous...

Miley: ...with the occasional glimmer of truth.

Lilly: You didn't let me finish. [reading tabloid] ...too bad she's really a guy!

Miley: You have got to be kidding me!

Lilly: I can't believe you didn't tell me! [gasps] You slept over my house! [gasps] You borrowed my bras!

Miley: Hey I look good in a moustache. Oh yeah I would totally date me.

Lilly: Me too.

[share weird look]

Miley and Lilly: [in unison] Awkward!

Lilly: Oh oh.

Miley: Let me guess, it's another article about Jake Ryan isn't it.

Lilly: It says his movie is done and he's back in town for the premiere.

Miley: Big whack, I don't need some guy who kisses me knowing that he's about to leave for 6 months and do some stupid movie.

Miley: Jake could fall out of the sky wearing a tuxedo and I wouldn't care.

[Jake falls from the sky in a parachute and a tuxedo.]

Lilly: Um, Miley?

Miley: I'm serious. He could come down, giving me a dozen roses and it would make no difference. Zero! Zilch! El zippo!

Lilly: What if he got on his knees and begged you to take him back?

Miley: Like that's ever gonna happen.

[Lilly points to Jake and Miley turns around and sees him.]

Jake: Sorry it's only one rose, but I did bring chocolates.

[Chocolates fall from the sky into his hand.]

Lilly: Not just chocolates. Chocolates from the sky!

Miley: Jake, I don't know what to say, so i guess i'll just show you how I feel

Lilly: Thank you!

Miley: Thanks! Another basket from Jake. What a surprise!

Robby: I agree Mile, you either date this boy Jake, or tell him to send a work-out tape, cuz I'm one muffin away from my easy fit jeans

Miley: I got two words for yeh, Will power

Robby: I got two words for you, Mini jellys. Mhh I am so weak

Lilly: Look who was waiting in the drive way. You can almost hear him say: Miley take me back, give me one more chance!

Miley: Oh, I'll give you something.

Robby: Not the chocolate chip ones, use the bran, nobody eats those.

Lilly: Oh my dad does, he calls them nature's broom. Uh, peanut butter balls.

Miley: Hello! Guys, this jerk hurt me and he's not gonna win me back with peanut butter balls.

Robby: Ok, you're right darling. I'm getting rid of everything. uuh and I'll start by grilling up these perfect marinade T-bones.

Lilly: Medium rear please.

Robby: Got it.

Lilly: Come on Miley, the poor guy has done just about everything for now, what more can he do?

Jake: Yeah Miley, what else can I do.

Miley: You're never gonna stop are you.

Jake: Miley, You've dumped stuff on me, and you've yelled at me, the one thing you haven't done is tell me that you don't care about me, tell me that and I'll go away.

Lilly: No, you can't, he's so and you, I mean, come on.

Jake: I know I kissed you and I left and I'm sorry, but I never stopped thinking about you.

Lilly: Oh he never stopped and now I mean come on. I'll just go help for the steaks.

Miley: You do that.

Lilly: Come on Jake'rs

Miley: Ok, I never stopped thinking about you either.

Jake: Then you'll give me another chance?

Miley: How about we start with tonight?

Jake: Uh, Slight problem, tonight's my movie premiere.

Miley: Oh, That's ok, I mean, it's a little more public than I wanted but eh.

Jake: no no no no, eh, see the thing is.

Miley: You already have a date don't you.

Jake: It's not a real date ok, it's with my co-star ok, we just have to pretend that we're dating for the press, you know.. I kissed her too, but it doesn't mean anything.

Miley: Nothing you say ever means anything. You're the same jerk you were six months ago, only now, you're a jerk with a headache.

Jake: I don't have a... Oh no.

Miley: Oh yes!

Natasha: I'm so hot.

Jackson: Yes you are.

Natasha: Can I get a bottle of water?

Jackson: Yes you are. Can I mean yes you can.

(she gives him 1 dollar)

Jackson: Oh sorry, Rico just tripled this price to 3 bucks.

Natasha: But that's all I have, and as I said before I am so, so hot.

Jackson: Don't go anywhere. Ok, taking care of me now you, you can have the employee discount.

Rico: Muahahaha. You're fired.

Jackson: What are you talking about?

Rico: Nice work Natasha, go buy yourself something pretty.

Jackson: (folowing Natasha) No, wait wait, come back.

Rico: You ripped me off.

Jackson: Me? You're the one ripping people off. Three bucks for a bottle of water, that's stealing

Rico: That's America. You wanna give stuff away, open you own shack, you can call it IHOF International House of Failure.

Jackson: Oh, Well maybe I will. but instead I'll call it International House of Reasonably priced water, and fries and stuff.. IHORPWAFAS. Yeah, hear the name and tremble Rico IHORPWAFAS!

Brian Winters I'm Brian Winters and the stars are all up for the premiere of Teen Gladiator and the sword of fire. And here are the Teen Gladiators Jake Ryan and Marrissa Hughes, coming over to talk to me, Brian Winters. So Jake I don't know what's bigger, the buzz about this movie, or the buzz about you two.

Jake: Oh well thanks Brian, We're both really exited about this movie aren't we honey?

Marrissa: We sure are Jakey.

Miley: We sure are Jakey. Look at her draped over him like drapes, cheap cleaning drapes. It's disgusting.

Robby: Sure it is.

Miley: How can you guys keep eating that stuff? That's Jake's steak. It's the steak that Jake drove through my heart.

Robby: The good news is it cuts like butter.

Miley: Dad!!

Robby: I'm sorry darlin' but you're better off without him. I mean, if he's gonna choose her over you, he obviously has no taste.

Lilly: Except in meat; this filet is fantastic!

Oliver: [referring to Jake] And when you told him you were Hannah he didn't faint? Not once?

Miley: Nope, steady as a rock, all man.

Oliver: Well, so am I, I just hadn't eaten that day

Jake: I'm a nobody. Like Oliver!

Oliver: Brilliant! ...Hey!

Hannah: (trying to make up when the kids are starting to suspect Hannah for being a lier) Superman doesn't tell Lois Lane he's Clark Kent, but, that doesn't mean he doesn't love her.

Boy: Superman's a lier? (kids gasp)

Hannah: Never mind, he isn't real.

Boy: (in shock) Superman isn't real? (kids gasp)

Hannah: Wait! Ummm... how many of your parents ever told you you'd grow up to be president? (all kids, including Hannah, raise their hands) There! Now see not all of you are gonna be president. Odds are, none of you will be president! (all kids in room, excluding Hannah, burst into tears) Errr... who wants free CDs? Free CDs, people. C'mon!

Jake: Jake Ryan doesn't faint. Leslie, on the other hand, is a little woozy.

(Rapping)

Jackson: I'm the man who had the cheese!

Oliver: I'm the man who had the jerky!

Jackson: We put 'em both together!

Oliver: And dude, it really work-y!

Both: Cheese Jerky! Say what? [J] Say what? [O] (twice)

Oliver: Mozzarella moose, Swiss salmon, Gouda turkey!

Jackson: Just one taste, it'll drive you berserk-y!

Both: Cheese Jerky! Say what? [J] Say what? [O]

Oliver: And it's all freaky-freaky-freaky fresh! (End of rap)

Jackson: Sizzlin' Stewart and Smokin' Oken Enterprises, patent pending.

When You Wish You Were the Star

Lilly: I wish for an A on the project. What do you wish for?

Miley: Oh man, I wish... I wish there was no secret. I was just Hannah Montana all the time. Sure it makes life a whole lot easier.

Hannah: Oh okay, I have an idea. You do all the work and I'll hang out with Jesse. Toodles!

Lola: I got a better idea. You give me the Hannah wig and I'll hang out with Jesse. Toodles!

Hannah: I don't think he speaks "eeeeep!"

Jesse: Hey babe. [comes in and kisses Hannah on cheek]

Jesse: You ready for our picnic on Papoui?

Hannah: What in the world is Papoui?

Jesse: [smile] The island I bought you.

Hannah: AHHH! Oh my gosh! [to Roxy] Jesse McCartney bought me an island. [Gasps] [to Jesse] I'm... I'm sorry Jesse, I can't.

Jesse: Why not?

Hannah: I'm sort of dealing with something right now, so...

Jesse: You're so cute when you're dealing with something right now.

Hannah: That's sweet Jesse, but I... I think I need to be alone.

Jesse: You're so cute when you need to be alone.

Hannah: Jesse?

Jesse: You're so cute when you say Jesse.

Hannah: Get Out! [pushes him out the door]

Jesse: You're so cute when you kick me out.

Hannah: I'm serious! [closes door]

Jesse: Ow! [gets hit on the nose] Still so cute.

Jesse: I'd sing to you myself but I need these lips for something else.

Hannah: Eeeeeep!

Jesse: You're so cute when you say "eep!"

Amber: Okay everyone.

Lilly: Prepare to be jealous.

Ashley: 'Cause we look...

Amber, Lilly and Ashley: [in unison] Fabulous! Oooh, tssss.

Hannah: NOOOOOOOOOO!!

Roxy: (at the end of Oliver and Rico's rap at the episode's conclusion, seen wearing a Flavor Flav viking helmet and watch pendant) Peace out! (vanishes)

Miley: Does everybody know you have a birthmark shaped like a poodle on your butt?

Lilly: [gasps] How did you know that?

Miley: Because I'm your best friend and I know somewhere deep down inside of you, our friendship is still there. C'mon look at me. Really, really look at me. C'mon Lilly, don't you know me?

Lilly: Oh my gosh!

Miley: Yes! I knew you'd be able to see the real me.

Lilly: Of course the blond hair is coming out of the wig, you're Hannah Montana! [rips off wig] Look everybody, Hannah Montana's back and she knows what's on my butt! [everybody gasps and stares] I cant believe I just said that out loud!

I Want You to Want Me...to Go to Florida

Hannah: It is so great to meet you in person, I really am a huge fan!

Mikayla: Yeah, I hate you.

Hannah: Thanks, I feel the exact same... What?

Mikayla: Your voice is stingy, your music is stupid, your outfits make me want to puke on them, but it looks like someone already did.

Hannah: Okay, What is your problem?!...

Mikayla: My problem is that I'm ten times better than you, and you're gonna find that out in Florida. Miss Hannah, I'm taking all your fannahs.

Hannah: Well, listen here, you one-hit bobblehead! The only thing your gonna be taking from me is lessons, okay? Lesson number one: This [does a head motion] is how you do the head thing. That's right, I went there!

Mikayla: Well, guess where I'm gonna go?

Hannah: Down the toilet with the rest of your career? That's right, I went there again, and this time, I bought property.

Miley: I can not wait to get to that concert to show to that two-faced tone-deaf toad who is the boss

Lilly: Yeah, but you have to wear something amazing. Mikayla always looks incredible [Miley gives her a look] ...For a two-faced tone-deaf toad!

Lilly: Ooh what about the thing you bought at the place next to the place that we went there one time?

Miley: No, that's too....

Lilly: Yeah you are right. Plus, when you wear that you have to...

Miley: I know. And I hate those.

Lilly: Who doesn't?

Miley: What about the one I bought after the one I bought at the place next to the place?

Lilly: Ooh! You mean the one that goes with the shoes with the things? I love that one!

Robby: Me too!

Miley: Daddy do you even know what we are talking about?

Robby: No, but as long as it doesn't cost me a wad of cash, I am all for it.

Lilly: Your Dad is...

Miley: I know!

Mikayla: (singing) Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do, oh baby, if Cupid had a heart he would make you fall, you'd fall in love with me and you would turn me on. If Cupid had a heart he would end my love. If cupid had a heart, he would shoot and throw an arrow through your soul better aim and go. If Cupid had a heart you'd be mine I know I need you to see, I need you and me.

Robby: I`m the dad and i`m not let you go...

Miley : Why treat me like I have a baby?

Robby :Because you act like one .

Miley : But dad...

Robby: No Miley !...Not another word .

Miley : Fine ! Have a.... I hate you !

Robby : Miley Ray !

Everybody Was Best Friend Fighting

Hannah: I'm gonna remember that, Dakota. [falls over]

Song Sung Bad

Miley: Congragulations! You're the best singer in school!

Lilly: Too bad no one cares!

Amber: Ugh! [walks away angrily]

Ashley: Yeah! Ugh! [follows Amber]

Miley: [sees a tarantula in a box] Ugh... There ain't nothing itsy-bitsy about you, big boy.

Amber: Hey Miley! If you're too chicken to sing, you could do one of your pig calls!

Miley: You mean like this? Amber! Ashley! Get in here! [snorting noise]

Ashley: That's so weird! The pigs have our names! [Amber gives her a look] ...Oh.

Miley: [singing "I Got Nerve" behind a wall; sees the tarantula on her shoulder] I got...SPIDER!!

Me and Mr. Jonas and Mr. Jonas and Mr. Jonas

Robby: [doing crossword puzzle] Five-letter word, sixth president of the United States.

Hannah: [making a face] UGHHH!

Robby: That would work if his name was John Quincy Ughhh.

[NOTE: the answer was John Quincy ADAMS]

Hannah: Dad! I need to record now. What is taking so long? Hannah is in the zone!

Robby: So what time's that big shoe sale you're meeting Lilly at?

Hannah: Three-thirty, and you know all the sixes go first.

Robby: No, honey, I'm proud to say I don't know that.

Hannah: Sweet Momma, it's the Jonas Brothers! [turns to Robby who came in behind her] Daddy, I told you someone was in here. [turns to the boys] I'm sorry fellas, he gets so impatient.

Robby: [sarcastically] Sorry fellas, I got a big shoe sale to get to.

Nick Jonas: Dudes, it's Hannah Montana!

[All of the Jonas brothers try to get out of the door at the same time, and finally do.]

Kevin Jonas: We're such big fans!

Joe Jonas: We love your music!

Nick: You're pretty!

[Kevin slaps him on the back of his head.]

Nick: Pretty good with the singing, and dancing that you do. [Hannah gives him a flirtatious smile.] Wow, you're pretty!

Kevin: Nice save.

Kevin: I'm Kevin.

Hannah: The cute romantic one! [shakes his hand]And you're Joe, the cute funny one! [shakes his hand] You're Nick, the cute sensitive one! [shakes his hand while he stares at her]

Robby: And I'm her daddy, the cute protective one!

Joe: You're Robby Ray! He writes all the songs!

Kevin:I know! "Nobody's Perfect" is genious!

Robby: I like the cute romantic one.

Joe: I love how it starts all soft and then, BAM! [singing] Everybody makes mistakes! Everybody has those days!

Jonas Brothers: [singing] Everybody knows what, what I'm talkin' bout'. Everybody gets that way!

Robby: I was wrong, I like 'em all!

Lilly: [after Miley's tirade about what happened at the studio during which she continues pulling her hair] You're braiding my hair, not starting a chainsaw.

Miley:I'm sorry. It's just that well, they're guys and he's a guy and what if he likes writing for guys more than he likes writing for Hannah?

Lilly:Well,then you'd be out of luck and I'll be bald!

Lilly: Relax. I'm sure he's late because the Jonas Brothers are arguing about his music or changing his lyrics and making him miserable.

Robby: [enters] Woooh, I love the Jonas Brothers.

Lilly: Wow, I was WAAAAY off.

Robby: [on the phone] Hello? [pause] No, there's no one here by the name of Gunner. [pause] Sorry, this ain't the Tinkle residence. [pause] Well I don't care what you say I'm NOT Gunner Tinkle! ...Gonna Tinkle, Joe is that you?

Joe: We so owned you!

Nick: Busted!

Kevin: That was sick!

Robby: Oh, you boys, LOL!

Miley: You know LOL?

Robby: [covering the mouthpiece briefly] Yeah, Nick taught it to me!

Robby: Sorry fellas, got another call. Hello? You're looking for who? Amanda? Amanda Huggenkiss? A Man To Hug And Kiss, Miley I don't have time for this, I'm tryin to work here!

Miley: So am I! I'm inspiring you with my humor! Dad listen to this one, so why was six afraid of seven? 'Cause seven ate nine! HAHA, that is hysterical. Hang up and we can write a hit!

Lilly: And to think you gave them the best 14 years of your life! Years you will never get back!

Miley: Exactly! And I'm not going to let Larry, Curly, and Moe-Bro waltz in and steal him away! MY DADDY WRITES FOR ME AND NOBODY ELSE!

Lilly: So what are you going to do about it?

Miley: I HAVE NO IDEA!

Miley: Lilly, I found out a way to get my daddy back!

Lilly: How?

Miley: Okay, the "JoBros" aren't going to record dad's song if he knew it was stolen from another guy band.

Lilly: What guy band?

[Miley plays with her hair.]

Lilly: Oh, no!

Miley: [puts her hair on her upper lip like a mustache] Oh yeah!

Joe: Eat marshmallow fro bro! [all have marshmallow shooters]

Nick: Chew on this sucker!

Kevin: Put this in your cocoa!

Joe: Hey, let's blast Robbie Ray!

Nick: Great idea!

Kevin: Guys! Guys! But it's three against one! I like it!

Milo/Miley: Yo guys, we're workin here!

Otis/Lilly: Yeah dudes, be cool! dudes! Yo!

Kevin: Uhhh, sorry guys. We got a text from the guy we're working with, told us to be here early, our bad.

Milo: No big, we're just workin on our guy band stuff, so if you guys wanna hang till we guys are done, that's cool! Cause you know, we're all...guys!

Nick: This is Joe & Kevin.And I'm Nick.

Milo: We know who you are, your music ROCKS!

Otis: You're so hot!

[Miley looks at Lilly with distress.]

Milo: ...on the charts! Burnin 'em up! Yeah!

Otis: That's right man, dudes, yo!

Joe: So, what are you guys working on?

Milo: New song we just wrote.

Otis: Ourselves, we wrote it, Milo and Otis, two guys. FOOTBALL!

Milo: They get it! Let's play it for them!

Otis: Coolio! MONSTER TRUCKS!

[They play We Got the Party With Us really badly.]

Joe: That's our song! Isn't it?

Kevin: I can't hear you, my ears are full of melted brain!

Nick: I kinda liked it. [both hit him]

Joe: Sorry guys, it's your song. Are we cool?

Milo: We're cool. [extends her fist and Joe hits it hard]

Nick: No hard feelings?

Otis: Nothing that a hug couldn't fix.

[Nick gives Otis a man hug but Otis hugs him back for a long time.]

Milo: Otis...Otis!!

[Jonas Brothers leave the room.]

Nick: That dude smells really good. [Joe hits him at the back of his neck]

Robby: [to Miley] Oh darling, let me tell you something. You know I can write a hundred songs for those boys, but there is one thing I can't do, that's put my arm around them and say the're my little girl. Well, I could but it would be extremely weird!

:Miley/Hannah: Where are they?

Robby: I don't know. They promised they were gonna be here.

[sees the Jonas Brothers]

Joe: And we always keep our promises!

Miley: Duck and cover Daddy, it's the return of the Jonii.

Don't Stop Til You Get the Phone

Lola: Man I wish I had the O-phone instead of this stupid slim flip. Oh, look at me I'm slim and I flip, I'm slim and I flip, I'm slim and I flip. [breaks phone] Aw man.

Traci: So, what's your Z-code so we can Z-text and Z-chat?

Hannah: Oh, mine's still in "Z-box."

Lola: [quietly] Yeah, in "Z-store."

Miley: I can't believe this. I made myself look like a total idiot all because of that phone.

Lilly: Look! I'm on the front page! Don't I look so cute when I'm scared?

Miley: If you don't get over yourself in about 3 seconds you're going to look absolutely adorable.

Lilly: I don't know. This one is pretty goofy. I mean you have your hair in curlers and eyes bugging out and your "Miley" necklace flopping all over the place.

Miley: Future sleaze-journalist say what?

The Rock: [to photographer who'd been planning to throw a Strawberry Cream Pie in his face] Are you sure?

[The stunned photographer looks from the Rock to the pie then hits himself in the face with it.]

The Rock: Good choice.

The Rock: So all this happened because you wanted a Z-Phone?

Miley: Ya, I guess I just caught up in having the next new thing.

The Rock: Y'know Miley, there's always going to be something new around the corner.

Lilly: Hey that's what my Mom says! [Rock glares at her] Not that you remind me of my Mom, except for the nails 'cause these are her nails.

Miley: [to out of shot editor] Thanks for finally giving me my picture back. [Camera zooms out to reveal The Rock is holding the editor upside down by his ankle]

Editor: Well, after I thought about it, kinda figured it was the right thing to do.

The Rock: Good choice.

That's What Friends Are For?

Miley: [to Jackson] My life is complicated enough. The last thing I need in my life right now is more drama.

Jake: Hi, Miley.

Miley: [staring at Jake] Hellooooo, drama!

Mikayla: I still hate you.

Hannah: Hate makes you ugly. Oops, too late!

Hannah: [on the phone] Hey, what's up, it's Hannah Montana, what would you like to give?

Mikayla: Singing lessons. I just heard your new single. Ouch!

Hannah: Well, I heard yours and I thought it was fantastic!

Mikayla: [in disbelief] Really?

Mikayla: Has been.

Hannah: Never was.

Mikayla: Bottle-blonde.

Hannah: Lip-syncher.

Mikayla: Bra stuffer.

Hannah: [gasps] I hate you.

Mikalya: Like I care.

Miley: [closing the door] Hi.

Jake: You look great
.

Miley: Oh boy!

Jake: Listen Miley, I…

Miley: I know I know. You haven't been able to forget about me. Your life feels empty without me. You see my face everywhere you look and you come back to say…

Jake: I just wanna be friends.

Miley: So you are really into him

Mikayla: Are you kidding? I am already working on our celebrity couple names. Right now it's between Jikayla and Mikake.

Jake: Oh! Hey guys. Thanks for coming by.

Miley: No problem. We just wanted to wish you luck on your first day on filming because you know that is what friends do: that they are there for each other, they support each other…so where is Mikayla?

Jake: Umm, in makeup. Why?

Lilly: Oh, we just wanted to wish her luck. It's not that we are going to get her fired or anything.

Lilly's Mom Has Got It Going On

Oliver: You got an army?

Sarah: No..

Oliver: Good luck.

Lilly: Why are we a great "juoy?"

Miley: [in a bad Scottish accent] I don't know. Keep writin'!

Oliver: I'll take the fish if it gets me an A.

Sarah: Who needs an army when you got an arm!

Miley: I don't expect you to know that because you are from Lilly-tiny-brainia!

Lilly: Well, at least MY country doesn't sound like a cure for diarrhea!!

[Everyone is slapping each other with fish.]

Mr. Corelli: Guys, I was going to return those!

Jackson: Finally they're gone. Dad, next time you host a PTA meeting do it out in the hot tub so I can see Lilly's mom in ... [sees Lilly's Mom] ... the kitchen. Hi Ms. T.

[to Robby ] Warn a guy!

Mr. Corelli: People of Earth. People of Earth. People of Earth. Don't be alarmed. It's Mr. Corelli! Just want to give you guys a gentle reminder that International Relations Week starts on Monday, so be prepared!

Mr. Corelli's Mom: [offscreen] Francis, do you want one fish stick or two!?

Mr. Corelli: [to offscreen mother] Not now mom! I'm on the computer! [to screen] Mr. Corelli over and out! [back to mother] Four and don't hog the tartar sauce!

Lilly: This explains so much.

Rico: Not just sand. This is Costa Rrrrrrrican sand. Finest in the world. Feel it, smell it, unload it.

Robby: Yee doggies! It feels great to be puffy again!

Miley: Yeah yeah, you're a regular Puff Daddy!

Lilly's Mom: [listing Robby's intrests] Car racing, Lynard Skynard, and those Japanese game shows where people fall off logs.

Oliver: Lily, Tell you Mom to wear the dress she wore to my parent's Christmas Party. She looked so HO...lidayish. Holidayish. Very festive.

I Will Always Loathe You

Dolly: Now Ruthie. If you're going to be mean, talk to the booty cause the hand's off duty!

Ruthie: Well I would love to, but that booty has been nipped and tucked so many times I just can't hardly find it!

[NOTE This is a reference to Dolly Parton's 'Nip, tuck and suck' comment.]

Lilly: So this whole feud started over a boy?

Miley: Yep, it was high school. Mamaw was having a summer romance and then Aunt Dolly bounced in and, well that was pretty much all she had to do. Mamaw never forgave Dolly for stealing the love of her life, Mr. Elvis Presley.

Lilly: NO!

Miley: YES!

Lilly: NO!

Miley: YES!

Lilly: NO!

Jackson: [laying on the couch] YES! Elvis, Elvis with the pelvis and the hair and the hunk-a-hunk of burning love! Guys, please! I haven't slept all night and my back is killing me! So for the love of everything good in this forsaken universe, ZIP IT!

...:Mamaw: Jackson you lazybones! Get your rump out of bed! (flips Jackson onto the floor)

Jackson: What do you know! Floor is more comfortable than the couch (has a rest on the floor)

Lilly: Your family is better than cable!

Rico: [banging on the counter] Stupid, stupid, stupid!

Oliver: No, you're not stupid. You just can't act.

Oliver: Face it Rico, we need a better Rico. [they both look at the kids who come to audition for the part]

Kids: [altogether] hey oh hey oh!

Lilly: Jackson! I leave the room for two minutes and you turn on wrestling. Flip back to the award show.

Jackson: ...This is the award show.

The Way We Almost Weren't

Hannah: [to the crowd] Thank you, thank you. [to Robby] Where are we?

Robby: Albuquerque.

Hannah: [to the crowd] Albuquerque. My favorite city in my favorite state...

Jackson: [sneaking up on Miley] Guam.

Hannah: [to the crowd] Guam!

Crowd: Huh?

Miley: [to Robby] I know where you can see the world's biggest pile of dirty socks... Jackson's Room! Let's drive.

Jackson: And if you're good I'll let you ride down the underwear mountain.

Miley and Jackson: [in unison] WOOOOSH!

Robby: [to Jackson and Miley] Relax. We won't be here more than a half hour tops.

Jackson: [looking at old lady walking slowly over to the diner table] DAD! It's gonna take her a half hour just to get here!

Miley: Umm, excuse me. We're ready to order.

Old Waitress: Oooh! Forgot my pencil. Back in a jiff.

Miley: UGHHH!

Robby: MMHH...you just can't find an old-fashioned hamburger like this out on the main highway. Makes you wanna savor every bite.

Miley: [quickly eating the crumbs off her plate] Ya, sure. Eating, savoring... Done. Let's go.

Robby: Oh come on Miley, slow down. Even your brother's getting into the spirit of this place.

Jackson: [finishing a maze on a piece of paper] WOOHOO!! Prospector Pete found his way through the maze to the gold! [puts the paper down on a big pile of more paper] AGAIN!

Lilly: Hey Oliver! Here's your ticket for Maroon 5. [seriously] Where's my 50 bucks?

Lilly: [after getting stuck to a chair with monster glue] Come here.

Oliver: No.

Lilly: Come here. No. I'm not gonna hurt you.

Oliver: That's what you always say before you hurt me!

Lilly: Get over here!!

Jackson: [looking at his mom when she was in college] Wow, wow, look at her.

Miley: I know. She's beautiful.

Jackson: Our mom was totally hot!

Miley: [looks at her dad when he was in college] And our dad was totally not.

Lilly: Did I mention I hate you?

Oliver: Thirty-seven times.

Lilly: If you make me miss that Maroon 5 concert I swear...

Oliver: You're not gonna miss it! Miley said she would be back—she'll probably be home any minute.

Miley: [on the answering machine] Lilly, are you there watering the plants? I tried your cell phone a bunch of times- Hey I'm sorry but I'm not gonna make the concert. We decided to make a few stops along the way. I got a picture of the world's largest rubber band ball. That sucker is HUGE! Have a great time at the concert! Bye!

Lilly: [still stuck to the chair laying on the floor] I hate you.

Oliver: Thirty-eight.

Miley: Excuse me Miss. I'm taking a little survey. If you had a daughter, what would name her?

Susan: Miley.

Miley: Thank you.

Miley: [while catching her breath] Dad's not going anywhere for a while.

Jackson: How do you know?

Miley: While he was on the pay phone... [brings a gadget out] ...I pulled this out of his car. I don't know what it is, but...

Robbie Ray: Somebody stole my distributor cap!

Miley: But I'm guessing it's a distributor cap.

Miley: I was right. There is no brain in there.

Robby: I just wish you two would disappear!

Miley: Oh, honey, trust me, we're gettin' there.

Robbie Ray: Don't hurt my heart, my itchy twitchy heart, no...herky jerky? No...

Jackson: You might wanna try 'Achy breaky'!

Bye Bye Ball

Jackson: [in German interrogator-like voice] You vill tell me vhat I vant to know! The choice is vether you vill tell me before ze pain, or AFTER! Now vere is ze ball?!

Oliver: Uh- wh- what ball? [gives Lily a thumbs up]

Jackson: [in a whiny voice] The Joey Vitolo my dad gave me for my 13th birthday! [switches back to his prior voice] Zat ball!

Lilly: [lying] I don't know what you're talking about!

Jackson: Fine. Perhaps a trip to ze closet vill jog your memory.

Lilly: [in tough voice] You'll never to get me to squeal!

Jackson: Your right, you're strong but he is weak! [grabs Oliver]

Lilly: Oliver, don't let him break you!

Oliver: It's okay, it's just a closet—[sees closet] WHAT IS THAT?! [Jackson pushes him inside] Hu...help me... [Jackson pulls open closet] She's at... Vitolo's. [faints]

Angela: [singing] You get the limo out front. Oh wah oh. Hottest styles, every shoe, every color.

Miley: Yeah. We get it.

Joey: Hey. You don't have to listen to that 50 times a day.

Lilly & Oliver: [in unison] Wanna bet?

Jackson: There was a wasp!

Robby: [grabs remains of Beary and begins to swing it around the air] Where!?

Miley: Daddy!!

(We're So Sorry) Uncle Earl

(While Jackson is flipping TV channels, we hear the opening bass beat of The Best of Both Worlds)

Jackson: (groans) When is this not on!?

Barney Bitman: (reviewing Mikela; mockingly of her song "If Cupid Had A Heart) If Cupid had a heart... give me a break! If Mikela had a heart, she'd stop singing!

Robby Ray: Come on Earl, not the puppy dog face! That worked when we were kids. (Then he gives in.) Come on Mile, just one song.

Miley: [sarcastically] Thank you, oh Man of Steel.

Robby Ray: I tried, Bud.

Miley (as Hannah Montana): (Seeing Uncle Earl dancing beside her as the band practices) Uncle Earl, what are you doin'?

Uncle Earl: Watching your rockstar moves!

Uncle Earl: (chanting) I'm gonna be a rockstar, I'm gonna be a rockstar...!

Miley: He's doing a jig with a pig!

Miley: You caved, didn't you?

Robby Ray: Earl's got a good puppy dog face.

Miley: (Making a puppy dog face) I've got a puppy dog face too.

Robby Ray: You're right... but Earl's got you beat.

Jackson: (as Ozzy Osbourne) Sharon's making guaca... giguaca....avocados all mashed together. It's very good.

Miley (Hannah), Lilly (Lola), Oliver (Mike): (praying) Jackson's plan is gonna work, Jackson's plan is gonna work...

Jackson: My plan worked!

Miley (Hannah): You're lying.

Jackson: What makes you say that?

Miley (Hannah): Your lips are moving!

Uncle Earl: What was I thinking, tryin' to be a rock star? I was born a loser, I'm always gonna be a loser, I'm the most embarrassing dang doofus in this whole family—worse than Unlucky Bucky or Wacky Wilbur, or even Jackson!

Jackson: (dressed as Ozzy Osbourne) Hey!!!

Uncle Earl: Good grief, boy, look what you're wearin'!!

Uncle Earl: You don't want me to play with you, do you?

Lilly (Lola): (Trying to get away) Ow! My tooth!

Oliver (Mike): (Following Lola) Mine too!

Miley (Hannah): C'mon! I need my funky unky on stage!

Uncle Earl: I've realized something very, very important.

Miley: What's that?

Uncle Earl: I can't get up.

Miley: I like the whole…flaming head thing you got going on. It's just, do you think you could tone it down a notch?

Robby Ray: Or more…a lot. Whatever you're comfortable with…a lot would be good.

Uncle Earl: Sorry, it's just hard to take it down on the greatest night of my life! I mean, look at me! I'm so excited I'm sweating my flames off!

Robby Ray: Well, then let's go get you a towel. And maybe a big hat. Whatever you're comfortable with. A big hat would be good.

Oliver: Yeah, Miley, you're way better than a salty loogie.

You Didn't Say It Was Your Birthday

Balloon Man: Happy Birthday Bobby!

Miley: It's Robby.

Balloon Man: Robby.

Miley: Why aren't there any eggs on my fork?

Miley: Wow. He really is upset.

Miley and Jackson: [in unison] What did you do? Me?! Yes you. Stop that!

Jackson: It was probably your phone bill.

Miley: Was not!.... Well, it's possible.

[Oliver and Lilly are fighting over a bag of chips]

Oliver: I paid for half of those!!

Lilly: You see? This is why you don't get dates. I'm a girl! Be nice!

Oliver: And this is why you don't get dates. You eat like a pig!

Lilly: [gasps and splutters] You take that back!!

----

Hannah in the Street With Diamonds

Hannah: Now would you please, just give me my diamond back?

Pancake Buffalo: Well, when you say it that way...NO!

Hannah: (in shock) But that's not fair!!

Pancake Buffalo: (mockingly) Hey, Hannah! Want to know the weather report for Montana? Chilly, with a 100 percent chance of spit showers! [laughs]

[Hannah laughs at this too, and then starts to strangle the puppet]

Hannah: The Hollywood Committee said it's two past Madonna. So, Madonna...Brad Pitt...[suddenly notices a chili mess on the next diamond]—Yow!

Oliver: [referring to the guard's surprise at discovering he was "Officer Nancy Oken"] My father named me that. His name was Harriet! You got a problem with that?

Guard: No! Not if...you don't?

Oliver: Just get the permit, sir.

Yet Another Side of Me

Isis: That look is so Hannah Montana!

Hannah: That's because I am Hannah Montana… I mean, you didn't think I was someone else, did you?

Lilly: [suggesting a new look for Hannah] How 'bout you try something more retro, you know, like Techno-Hannah.

Miley: Techno-Hannah? [thinks of how a Techno-Hannah would turn out, cut to scene of Hannah in a Devo-like outfit holding hedge clippers]

Hannah: Clip it, clip it! [clips hedge] Clip it real good. [flashes to Techno-Hannah playing golf] Then chip it, chip it, like Tiger Woods. [accidently hurls golf club off of scoring area and the sound of breaking glass is heard] Yikes.

Miley: No. That one could hurt people.

Jackson: I'm just barking my way to the bank! Hey, maybe next week, I can moooo for moolah.

Rico: Let's just see where barking takes us.

Customer: [to Jackson's bark] You calling my girlfriend a dog?!

[silence]

Jackson: Woof.

Customer: That does it! You're dog-meat!

Jackson: [frightened] Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! Wooof? Yauuuuugggghhhh! [jumps off a boardwalk plank into the sand below and the customer pile-drives after him off the same plank, and presumebly beats Jackson up.]

Rico: [to Jackson of why Rico has no friends] I think it's because the world is full of idiots! My mom says it's my temper. [muttering] Idiot.

The Test of My Love

Maid: [to Robby Ray, saying Jackson could be a messy fellow] A little messy?! I'd say he lived like a pig, but then that would be an insult to pigs! [slams down mop] I quit!

Traci: Your friend Lola is ruining my Put Put for Puppies Party!!

Lola: [to Orlando Bloom off screen] Hey Orlando, nice Butt! [recognizes what she just said] I mean, putt, nice putt!

Lola: (to Orlando Bloom, as he tries to flee from Lola) You can't hide from destiny!

Joannie B. Goode

Lilly: Is it because of your yearbook picture?

Miley: No I'm listening to... What's wrong with my yearbook picture?

Joannie: Yeah. I saw your yearbook picture too Stewart. So sad! That lovely piece of spinach surronded by all that ugly.

Lilly: Well I saw your year book picture too, Joannie. Looks just like you. Sorry!

Lily: Girl who always says say what say what?

Miley: Except on Wednesdays when you have piano.

Lilly: Except on Wednesdays but on any other day!

Oliver: Here's your poetry book! (he falls in love with Joannie)

Miley and Lilly: NOOOOO!

Rico: So Jackson, I see you have met my cousin!

Lilly: [Talking to her snake] Come on Wiggly, you don't wanna meet her anyway.

He Ain't a Hottie, He's my Brother

Lilly: [enters miley room and sneaks up beside her and yells] MILEY!

Miley: [falls off the bed] You know if you didn't have that whole Miley/Hannah thing over me, Bang! Zoom!

Lilly: Yeah, yeah, I'm shakin' in my boots, speakin' of which, I can't wait to wear these tomorrow at the Mack & Mickey in the Morning Show. This is gonna be so awesome! Hannah Montana and her peeps who keep her grounded. Eeep, I'm a peep!

Miley: Did you put extra sugar in your sugar crunchies again?

Lilly: Just a little bit. I'm so excited! I didn't slept last night.

Miley: That makes two of us. I had a dream that you would not believe. You are about to kiss…Better I'm didn't say that.

Lilly: Who's I about to kiss?

Miley: …Jackson! Bleah!

Miley: [Lilly, Miley & Oliver are sitting at the beach. Lilly is staring at Jackson and sighing, Miley hits her and says] Stop that. Oliver, tell her how ridiculous this is!

Oliver: Miley, can you tell the sun not to rise in the morning? I mean, can you tell the wave not to crash on the shore?

Miley: You've been watching soap operas again?

Oliver: No, its just, uh…my Grandma came in town. She's visiting…uh…

Miley: Yeah, you have.

Miley: [Jackson picks up a puppy and tries to find his mommy and Lilly sighs] Lilly, please. Lord Voldemort would look cute with puppy, snap out of it.

Lilly: You know, this is all your fault anyway. You're the one who had that stupid dream, and I was perfectly happy crushing in silence and stealing hair of the brush when no one was looking.

Miley: What? And by "what", I mean EWW!

Mailman: [Robbie is playing the guitar, the mailman rings the bell and Robbie opens the door] Robbie Stewart?

Robbie: That would be me. Hey, first, tell me what you think of this. [sings] I'm super cute, super hot, I'm the girl you like a lot, I'm super super girl! I'm super super girl! [stops singing] What do you think?

Mailman: I think you're super super weird!

Robbie: The gardener loved it.

Jackson:[Miley is asking Jackson if he feels the same way for Lilly] Huh!

Miley: Huh, what?

Jackson: I'm starting to think about Lilly that way.

Miley: No, no, wrong way, go back.

Jackson: No, no, she's cute, she's smart, she's not a kid anymore. Jackson likey!

Miley: And Miley pukey!

Mickey: There might be some tension in the Hannah possy.

Hannah: Tension, what tension? There's no tension. No, no that's just a little thing we do and we're like, Hey Lola! [spits]; Hey Jackson! [spits]

Mike: Yeah, that's just how we roll, yo! [spits in Hannah's face].

Hannah: Thank you Mike, thank you for the help.

Mike: [Points at Mack] Word!

Mack: Oh, from your mother?

Hannah: It's actually to your mother.

Mack: Oh, it's to your mother, you're right, I never know.

Hannah: You never know.

Lilly: [Miley was dreaming and Lilly enters her room] Oh, why aren't you up yet? You're supposed to help me pick out an outfit for Mack & Mickey tomorrow.

Miley: That's tomorrow?

Lilly: Yep.

Miley: I had the weirdest dream.

Lilly: What was it about?

Miley: You liked Jackson, and he liked you back. I tried to stop it and I was wrong, so if you really do like my brother I'm okay with it.

Lilly: Me and Jackson, together. Really…Blehhh!

Miley: Ah, that's my girl.

Ready, Set, Don't Drive

Robbie: [Miley is driving her car; she has her driving test the next day.] You're doing good there bud, drivin' like a real pro. You might wanna slow down here just a touch. [thinks in his head] We're gonna die, we're gonna die!

Miley: No problem daddy, you're the boss. [thinks in her head] I know what I'm doing old man, stick a sock in it!

Robbie: You're gonna ace that driver's test, just focus on the road and stay calm. [thinks in his head] I'm gonna throw up!

Miley: I will daddy, don't you worry the driver's license is practically already in my hands. [thinks in her head] And then I'll never have to drive with your parental paranoid butt again!

Miley: [She is at her driver's test.] Seatbelt check, side-view mirror check, guy in side-view mirror check him out!

Driving Instructor: [Enters the car saying] Is it too much to ask people to clean up after their dogs?

Miley: Is that part of the test cuz' it wasn't on the manual.

Driving Instructor: I mean look at this. [shows Miley his dirty shoe]

Miley: Uhh, you know maybe you could wipe that outside of my brand new car, [he wipes it inside the car] too late.

Driving Instructor: Let's get going, we're over-booked and I am all backed up.

Miley: Wish I could say the same for the dog!

Miley: [She is talking with Lilly about the test] I know, but it's so not fair. The only good thing is that you're the only one I actually told I was doing the test.

Lilly: [Nods nervously] Ahan…

Miley: What did you do?

Lilly: Well…

Oliver: [He is rapping with other class-fellows of Miley] Here comes Miley Stewart, she passed the driver's test, she's kickin' it behind the wheel not walking like the rest, she can drive it home "say what say what", I said she can drive it home "say what say what", word and respect, the road!

Lilly: I may have mentioned it to Oliver.

Oliver: [Asks Miley about the test] So, first in our class to hit the highway tell us all about it.

Miley: [stuttering] Uh, um, well you know…Driving, I personally think is over rated and it hurts our planet, and not driving now that takes some courage and I don't think that I'm gonna drive today, or tomorrow, that's how strongly I feel.

Oliver: Wow, you know that is just about the stupidest thing that I've ever heard…

Miley: Okay okay, listen up cuz' im only gonna say this once, the truth about it is…[Ashley interrupts her]

Ashley: Hey anybody seen Amber, oh wait there she is driving her brand new car with her brand new license.

Lilly: [Everybody goes towards Amber, Lilly says] Look, look its canary color with matching leather seats, [Miley pulls her back] which is tacky, really really tacky..

Jackson: Hey dad, look at this, I just found a picture of me when i was six months old, sweet, cuddly and so so happy, and then you ruined it by having that little devil child.

Robbie: You gotta learn to laugh at life's little difficulties, [door bell rings] Oh, and speaking of little difficulties, we have a house guest.

Rico: Hello roomies.

Jackson: [exclaims] No no no no, why why why why, [points at Rico] YOU YOU YOU YOU!

Lilly: [Miley and Lilly are the Driving center] You really think they are gonna let you take the test on the same day.

Miley: They have to, if I don't drive myself to that beach party tonight my life will be miserable.

Lilly: What are you talking about you're, Hannah Montana..

Miley: Yeah that doesn't count. Ok I'm just gonna tell the lady what happened, look at that sweet face, she will definitely make an exception.

Driving Lady: [To the Governor] NO, rules are rules, bucko!

Governor: But I'm the Governor of California.

Driving Lady: And I'm the queen…of this window. Your appointment was scheduled for 12:20, its 12:22. Your appointment has been "terminated". That's right I went there!

Governor: I'll be back.

Driving Lady: Not for the next 2 weeks you won't. Next!

Miley: I am so dead.

Jackson: [Rico is shaving his armpits, Robbie is going out while Jackson says] Please please take me with you, don't leave me alone with, [look's at Rico and says] that!

Rico: I gotta big swim meet this weekend, you won't believe the difference it makes in the butterfly, [does the butterfly and shows his armpits] Yeah.

Robbie: Sorry son, every man for himself.

Miley: [She is driving her car and listenting to one of her songs, and singing along] Sometimes I like to rub government just to get my license to drive a car, and now I'm on my way to the party to see Amber and rub her face in and na na na, [she gets pulled over] good!

Officer DiAria: License, please.

Miley: Oh yes, is there a problem officer…Diarrhea.

Officer DiAria: It's "DiAria".

Miley: Of course it is my bad.

Officer DiAria: Your turn signal's been on for the last mile and a half.

Miley: Oh is my face red, you are very good at your job, they should make you captain, I'll write a letter. Thanks so much for your help, it's been great working with you B'bye.

Officer DiAria: Ah, not so fast miss, first, explain to me why your license says, Hannah Montana.

Miley: Oh that's just because…Sweet niblets!

Miley: [Miley is out of Jail, Robbie is driving her home] Kids, we do the darn'est things, but you gotta love us, you gotta love me right?

Robbie: You know bud you wanted something so bad that you bent the rules to get it, and anytime you do that it's gonna bite you on the butt.

Miley: And you are right, you are absolutely right, 2 hours and 23 minutes in the slammer can really change a person, i've learned my lesson, so any other, you know punishment would be completely pointless.

Robbie: Well you wouldn't necessarily go that far would ya'.

Miley: [Turns the car around] Daddy can we please not go down this road, this is where the party is and the last i want is to be seen being driven by my dad. [look's at Robbie] Oh no!

Robbie: Oh yeah!

Miley: Oh daddy, why don't you just pull down a blow horn and announce my arrival.

Robbie: You know me too well darlin'. [Says on the blow horn] Hey everybody it's Miley Stewart's daddy droppin' her off at the party because she didn't get her license ha ha, How's that for punishment.

Miley: [Miley has her license in hand, look's at the picture and says] This is so not fair, who takes a picture on 2, everyone know's you do it on 3, 1 2 3.

Lilly: It's really not that bad.

Oliver: Are you kidding, it look's like a horse stepped on her face.

Lilly: Oliver that's ridiculous. It's more like she ran into a plate glass door.. [makes silly face]

Don't Go Breaking My Tooth

[Rico had just re-branded his shop to sell meat products, much to the dismay of Oliver, trying to be a vegetarian]

Rico: Welcome to Rico's Meat Mania! All meat, all the time! [Oliver walks in and notices the display] Just for you, [sniffs a hamburger patty] Oh yes.

Oliver: It's the promised land!

Jackson: Ya know what the best part about having you as a sister is?

Miley: No, what?

Jackson: I was hoping you could tell me, 'cause I got nothing!

Miley: So what? You had to drive me here, just be happy we finally got you a chair where your feet touch the ground!

Duncan Keats on TV: You know, I kissed a girl named Rosemary Pesto once! She sure could've used a mint!

Miley: Oh my gosh, that totally reminds me when I kissed [Robbie Ray looks at her] nobody, nobody.. [nervous smile]

Robbie Ray: I love our relationship! You pretend you don't kiss boys, and I pretend I believe you!

Miley: [With fork stuck in her tooth] I am not gonna crack a tooth! [her tooth flies, and lands on Jackson's nose]

Jackson: But you might lose a filling!

You Never Give Me My Money

Miley: [Jackson is sitting with Robbie at the table, and they both have made small faces on the hands] Dad, i need to talk with you..

Jackson: [Interrupts Miley] Excuse me but we are having a very important conversation right now. [Jackson shows his hand face and says] Please let Jackson go to the party, or i'll be his only friend, and that would be sad, and weird.

Robbie: [Robbie looks at Jackson, then shows his hand face and says] No [Robbie's hand face has a mullet and sideburns].

Killing Me Softly With His Height

Miley: [talking about Connor being short] Sweet niblets, I've got a date with a sweet niblet.

Would I Lie to You, Lilly?

Oliver: You know, this kind of thing never happens in Italy, they wear berets!

Miley: That's France! Just distract her! [stands up] Lily! Oliver's having trouble breathing!

Oliver: I am? [Miley elbows his stomach, hard]

Hannah: What are you doing on the floor?

Jackson: Just dropped something

Hannah: If it's your dignity, you might wanna chech the empty box of platform shoes!

You Gotta Lose That Job

Oliver: I don't know. It's just, sometimes being around all your success makes me feel--

Lily: Like a failure.

Oliver: I was gonna say "bad"...

[Lily looks nervous]

Miley and Oliver: Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on

Lily [frustrated] Come on, come on, come on! Are we gonna spend the entire weekend waiting to see if [to Miley] you got the part, or if [to Oliver] you got the gig? Wake up! Move! Do something! [Miley and Oliver stand up, and exchange seats]

Oliver: There!

Miley: Happy?

Lily: It is times like this, I thank my lucky stars I have no talent!

Miley: I didn't get the part, that's why Howard hasn't called me, he doesn't have the guts. Or he's having trouble with his gussies in the bathroom. Poor Howard. Call!

Oliver: You know, I did great! Mr. Meadow's just jealous. He's jealous that he don't have my talent. I mean, you know what they say, those who can't sing teach.

Lily: Hey, maybe I should be a teacher

[Miley and Oliver's cellphones ring]

Miley and Oliver: Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy....

Lily: Answer the phone!

[Miley and Oliver answer their phones and head to each other's way]

Lily: Hey, I'd make a great teacher, supportive, fun, but no talking back, that is un-acceptable, un-acceptable I say!

Welcome to the Bungle

Mack: You don't like carrots?

Mickey: He can hear you! [holds her belly]

Mack: Oh, you don't like C-A-R-R-...Hey, Carra---,

Mickey: [to Hannah] Oh, come on! It's good for you!

Hannah: No, sorry! If this girl's eating an orange snack, it will be candy corn!

Mack: Carrot, it's not a K is it?

Hannah: Maybe we should get Mack a pen and paper

Mickey: Wouldn't help

Papa's Got a Brand New Friend

Hannah: Nice to meet you Mr.......?

Sean: Nahnah, but you can call me Shawn

Robbie Ray: Your name's Shawn Nahnah?

Sean: Yes, from my grandmother's side, Nanna Nina Nahnah

Robbie Ray: [to Hannah] Maybe it's not too late to drive to Capacitated. [referring to when he said Tina, who Hannah accidentally shoved out a one-story window, was "incapacitated", and Miley thought this was a place]

Miley: Fine, just because somebody's too lazy to drive to Capacitated.

Robbie Ray: [after Miley leaves] I have got to get that girl a dictionary.

Hannah: You may be a great choreographer, but it's time somebody said No-no Nahnah!

Cheat It

Jackson: You really wanna go down that road?

Miley: Absolutely! [walks away] [comes back] What road? And exactly why wouldn't I wanna go down there?

Jackson: You know the road that starts if you tell dad this about me it ends with me telling dad everything I know about you

Miley: [laughs] Okay, when you say "everything"?

Jackson: Everything, past, present, and future

Miley: [in high tone] Future? [scared] What kind of brother are you?

Jackson: I guess you can consider me a traitor, much like Benedict Arnold in 1779, gave away West point to [lifts his jeans] the British

[In steam room]

Jackson: No! My answers! They're melting! They're melting!

Robbie Ray: Rico, I want this thing fixed, and I want it fixed now!

Rico: Alright! Alright! Did you try hitting the reset button?

Robbie Ray: The what?

Rico: The reset button, it's in big, red letters on page one of your manual? [Robbie Ray looks at him, having no idea what he's saying] You read the manual, right?

Robbie Ray: `Course I did! And I pressed the reset...reset [starts choosing some buttons, not knowing where the reset button is]

Rico: The reset button presses the reset button

Robbie Ray: Oh, that reset button! I must've pressed the other one!

Rico: There is no other one

Robbie Ray: [quietly] Leave me my pride

Rico: What?

Robbie Ray: Leave me my pride, boy! [Enters the steam room]

Robbie Ray: Hey, I'm just going for a quick jog, good luck on your test

Jackson: What do you mean by that?

Robbie Ray: Nothing, I'm just saying good luck!

Jackson: Oh, thanks

Robbie Ray: You got everything covered?

Jackson: What do you mean by that?

Robbie Ray: Wow, son, take it easy, I could see you're stressed, but everything's gonna be fine!

Jackson: I know

Robbie Ray: Well, uh

Robbie Ray and Jackson: Bye [Robbie Ray leaves]

Jackson: It's so hot in here! [lifts his sleeve] No sweating,no smudging! [lifts his jeans] No sweating, no smudging!

Miley: Loosening up some cheating skills, so you can write down more cheating answers, Floppy McCheaterPants?

Jackson: [After his sweat is smudging the answers written on his arms] Oh, great! There goes the 19th amedment! [shouting to Miley] Thanks to you, women are losing the right to vote!

Miley: Now, when Jackson comes in, close the door!

Lily: Would it kill you to say please once in a while?

Miley: Please?

Lily: Thank you!

Jackson: Like the FTIC, the FHA, the TBA, the SCC

Miley: Jackson! S-T-O-P!

Rico: Would you like the 30% friends and family discount?

Robbie Ray: 30? 50 %
Rico:40 and I'll be nice to your son at the shack
Robbie Ray: 45 an I don't care how you treat him

Knock Knock Knockin' On Jackson's Head

Robbie Ray: Who wants the last achy-breaky, everybody-wakey, do a little shakey, pancakey?

Jackson: [Miley and Jackson both grab the plate] You already had 2, piggy! [snorts]

Miley: Oh, wow! I didn't know you could count that high! Now give it!

Jackson: I'm still a growing boy!

Miley: [scoffs] Not since the fourth grade you're not!

Robbie Ray: Okay, your mom wanted kids, I wanted dogs…I still want dogs!

Miley: You're right, Jackson, I have a simple solution! [grabs the pancake, and licks it] [Jackson grabs the pancake and takes a bite out of it]

Jackson: Sixteen years and still doing rookie mistakes!

Rico: Well, I want you to meet my sweetie, Lily!

Lilly: [She spits out nachos] What?!?

Jackson: Ow, my head!

Miley: Your head? My tights! [Robbie Ray looks at Miley]

Jackson: Who are you guys?

Miley: [sarcastic] Very funny, Jackson!

Jackson: Who's Jackson?

Robbie Ray: Sweet Pea, I think he's serious!

Jackson: Who's sweet Pea?

Miley: Daddy-who-better-be-ready-to-catch-me-say-what?

Robbie Ray: What? [Miley faints, Robbie Ray catches her]

Robbie Ray: You know, your Uncle Earl and I used to fight all the time. When he went away to college, it was the four saddest days of my life!

Miley: I want my rotten, stinkin', pancake-stealin' brother back!

Robbie Ray: You miss him, huh?

Miley: More than I ever thought I would!

Jackson: Well, it sure took you long enough!

Miley: [confused] Jackson? [relieved, extends her arms for a hug and walks closer] Jackson! [angry] Jackson!

Jackson: [nods] Amnesia? What'd you think this was? An episode of Gilligan's Island?

Robbie Ray: Jackson, who was the first president of the United States?

Jackson: George Washington

Robbie Ray: And who am I?

Jackson: George Washington?

Robbie Ray: I'm your father.

Jackson: My father's George Washington?

Lilly: [yelling] No, your father's Robbie Ray Stewart!

Jackson: [to Robbie Ray] Why is she yelling at me, George?

Robbie Ray: Oy!

Lilly: You have a cousin named Angus?

Rico: His real name's Alejandro Nunez Gonzalez Roberto C. Fuentes.

Lilly: Why do you call him Angus?

Rico: Because it's easier than calling him Alejandro Nunez Gonzalez Roberto C. Fuentes. I hate him when he visits! Obnoxious jerk! All he ever does is one-up me! I catch a fish, he wrestles an alligator! I'm voted Model Student of the Month, he's voted Australia Swimsuit Model of the Year!

Angus: [in Australian accent] Good day, mate!

Rico: And the torture begins!

Lilly: Hey, he looks just like—

Rico: [cuts her off before she can mention how much he and Angus look alike] Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know! He's gorgeous! Don't rub it in!

Lilly: [reading from a card] My Rico is the love monkey who carries me off into a magical jungle of romance? I can't read this! I've got last night's lasagna coming up just thinking about it!

Miley: But, if it helps it all, my life is fantastic!

Lilly: That helps me how?

Miley: Well, good morning, Selfish Sally!

You Give Lunch A Bad Name

Jackson: Enjoy the reunion, dad!

Miley: Call us when you land, love you!

Jackson: [to Miley] He is gonna have so much fun seeing the band again!

Miley: And it is so cool that he trusts us to leave us alone for the first time....

[short pause]

Miley and Jackson: Sucker!!! [they both laugh]

Miley: [enters the house with Jackson while singing and dancing] We're gonna party!

Jackson: [singing and dancing] And party harty!

Miley: [singing and dancing] With my friend Marty!

Jackson: [singing and dancing] You don't know a Marty!

Miley: [singing and dancing] But it rhymes with harty!

[short pause]

Jackson: [singing and dancing] That's kinda smarty!

[they high-five, and walk upstairs]
[TIME PASSES]

Hannah: [imitating Robbie Ray] Now, young man, I expect you home before curfew!

Jackson: [also imitating Robbie Ray] And bud, you call if you're gonna be late! [flips imaginary long hair]

[short pause]

Hannah and Jackson: [both laugh]

Jackson: Shall we, my curfewless compadre?

Hannah: We shall, my sneaky sibling! [holds onto Jackson's arm]

[the two skip to the door, Mamaw unexpectedly opens the door]

Mamaw: Surprise!

Hannah and Jackson: [both screams]

What I Don't Like About You

Miley: [dressed as her character, Indiana Joannie] I have a whip! And I have no idea how to use it!

Oliver: Miley, thanks!

Miley: You're welcome!

Lily: You're the best friend ever!

Miley: Yes, I am.

Oliver: This is kinda weird for you, huh?

Miley: Yes, it is.

Oliver: We should probably go.

Miley: Yes, you should.

Miley: [she shuts the door after they left] Coldplay, Radiohead, hello! Hannah Montana in the room!

Robbie Ray: [To himself, after no one is helping him with the luggage] Don't anybody worry about helping me get through this door! I got it! Oh no, please, Mr. Stewart, can we help you with that luggage? Oh no, I guess I got it! Are you sure, sir? It looks awfully heavy! Oh no, y'all just enjoy your visit!

Jackson: [while hitting Robbie Ray's sandwhich repeatedly] Moi! Moi! Moi! Moi! Moi!

Robbie Ray: I'd be a lot happier for you if you just hadn't crushed moi sandwhich!

Promma Mia

David Archuleta: Oh no, when I called you thought I was David Cook.

David Archuleta: Oh no, it was the onion bagel wasn't it?!

Hannah Montana: No, no, I just broke a promise I really need to keep.

David Archuleta:Okay, that's cool, do what you have to do.

Uptight (Oliver's Alright)

Miley: [after Oliver's out of earshot, and having just discovered Oliver's got a crush on the nurse.] Good night, nurse! Oliver is crushing on someone old enough to remember the Beatles!

Lilly: [confused] The who?

Miley: [thinking she said "The Who"] Them too!

Catchphrases

Miley: Sweet niblets

Miley: Say what [sometimes pronouced as whawt]

Miley: Ya think?

Lilly: Eeeeeeep!

Robbie: Yeeee doggies!

Robbie: [sometimes Jackson] Dang flabbit!

Jackson: Good day. I said good day, (person's name)! [or some variation thereof]

Rico: Hey-yoh!

Rico: Mwa-ha-ha-ha!

Rico: [rolling his Rs] Rrrrrrrrico!

Roxy: Roxy like a puma!

Roxy: I got my eyes on you.