Monkey Dust Quotations

Monkey Dust is a British animated TV series that satirises the darker side of life in the United Kingdom. It deals with taboo subjects, and often features animated characterisations of real people (much like American series South Park). Monkey Dust first aired on BBC Three on February 9, 2003, and there have been three series to date — the third began airing on January 4, 2005.

Series 1

Ivan Dobsky: Hello, I'm Ivan Dobsky. I'm the Meatsafe Murderer, only I never done it. I had to say that I did so they'd take the truncheon out of me bottom, only there's these two nice men called "D" an' "A" and they know that I never done it and they've told everyone. Can I have a quarter of a pound of cola cubes, please?

[First-time cottager Geoff listens to a motivational self-hypnosis tape.]

Motivational Tape: I can suck off a complete stranger in a public toilet!

[Some new parents are discussing what to name their baby.]

Mother: I know what we should call him. How about Jacoby?

Baby: [thinking] What?

Father: That's nice, although I had rather set my heart on Hugo.

Baby: [thinking] Hugo? Hugo?! You fucking twat!

Father: Then again, we could name him after my grandfather, Thursby.

Baby: [thinking] You absolute fucking tosser! They will beat me like a Chipperfield monkey!

Mother: No, I know what's nice.

Baby: [thinking] Dave! Steve! Chris! Steve! Dave! Anything!

Mother: Hercules!

Baby: [thinking] Oh, that's a good idea - if I want to be a fucking gladiator!

Father: The classical touch is nice, but how about Archimedes?

Baby: [thinking] How about "Fucking Gaylord" and be done with it!

Series 2

[Ivan has just received a letter for the first time in his life.]

Ivan Dobsky: Who's it from?

Mr Drummond: Well, judging by the perfume and the feminine hand, I'd say it's from a certified lunatic.

Ivan Dobsky: Yippee!

Series 3

[Mrs Jenkins has come to collect her pictures from a photo development shop]

Paedo-Finder General: I am the Paedo-Finder General, and you are Mrs Jenkins, a paedophile!

Mrs Jenkins: On what basis?

Paedo-Finder General: [holds up photo] On the basis of these pornographic images taken with your camera of a naked infant!

Mrs Jenkins: That's my baby, Jacob. I became a mother last week!

Paedo-Finder General: So! You confess that for nine months you imprisoned a naked child in your stomach before forcing him backwards through your genitalia for your own sick amusement!

Mrs Jenkins: Well, that's how all babies are born!

Paedo-Finder General: Enough! By the powers invested in me by tabloid-reading imbeciles, I pronounce you guilty of paedophilia!

[The useless terrorists discuss who to vote for in a poll of favourite TV characters, as MI5 spies listen in from outside.]

Omar: Now is the time to be strong in our resolve. It must be... Del Boy.

Mrs Khan: Is that our Shafiq at the terror training camp? Tell him to tidy his bunk and thank whoever's in charge for having him.

[A woman lies in a coffin at her funeral, her lips barely moving.]

Woman: I'm not dead! I've just had too much botox!

Unidentified episode

Paedo-Finder General: By the power invested in me by that bloke I met in the pub who knew for definite, I find your sort... guilty of paedophilia.

Paedo-Finder General: A 99?! Like a 69, but thirty worse!

Paedo-Finder General: Your gayness condemns you; it is written in stone.

Gay Man: Where?

Paedo-Finder General: On the wall behind the bus station - I carved it there myself; I have seen it with mine own eyes!

Ivan Dobsky: I never done it! I only said I done it so they'd take the rat out of my anus!

Tony Blair: Education, Education, Education, Education, Education, Education, Education, Education, Education, Education, Education, Education, Education, Education...

[Blair fades out, implying eternity.]

Ivan Dobsky: Karen Carpenter, she's my favourite! I bet she's old and fat now.

Ivan Dobsky: I'd like two tickets to Wembley Stadium to see Mud.

Ivan Dobsky: I never done it. I only said I did it so they'd take me bellend out the chilli sauce!

Repeated catchphrases

Ivan Dobsky: I never done it!

Clive Pringle: ... and that, darling, is what really happened.

David Baddiel: As a famous comedian, I resent the implication that I'm any less qualified to perform this task than a fully trained professional!