Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me Quotations

Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me is a 1999 film in which Dr. Evil is back...and has invented a new time machine that allows him to go back to the 60's and steal Austin Powers's mojo, inadvertently leaving him "shagless".

Directed by Jay Roach. Written by Mike Myers and Michael McCullers.

First he fought for the Crown. Now he's fighting for the family jewels! taglines

Austin Powers

The 70s and the 80s? You're not missing anything! I looked into it. There's a gas shortage and A Flock of Seagulls. That's about it.

Crikey! I've lost my mojo!

I can't believe Vanessa, my bride, my one true love, the woman who taught me the beauty of monogamy, was a fembot... all along. Wait a tick. That means I'm single again! Oh, behave! (laughs and claps with the fembot hand, then throws it away) Yeah!

Hey! In Like Flint! That's my favorite movie.

Mission Control, the swinger has landed.

(sees Mini-Me float into space) Poor little bugger. (salutes) I salute you!

Dr. Evil

Fire the laser!

SILENCE!! I will not tolerate your insolence!

Mini-Me, stop humping the laser. Honest to God, why don't you and the giant laser get a frickin' room, for God's sake?

The world is mine! The world is mine, ya (bleep)!

I've turned the moon into what I like to call a "Death Star".

Why make trillions when we can make billions?

Mini-Me, are you hungry? Something to eat? Not even a Hot Pocket? An Eggo?

We don't gnaw on our kitty. Leave Mi--no. Leave Mini Mr. Bigglesworth alone.

[to Scott] You're quasi-evil. You're semi-evil. You're the margarine of evil. You're the Diet Coke of evil. Just one calorie, not evil enough.

Mini-Me, you complete me.

Ow! You shot me, you a-hole!

(Spinning out of control on his chair) All I asked for was a fricking rotating chair, okay? Okay, getting a little afraid. I need an old priest and a young priest. The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you! Whoa, hello! Okay, sick as a dog now. (spits) Okay. Gonna vomit.

I'm gonna get you, Austin Powers. I'm gonna get you!

Scott, daddy's workin' okay, and when you're in the main chamber, try and use the big boy voice, okay?

Well actually that was footage from the movie Independence Day, but the real laser would be a lot like that. Yeah. scary.

www.SHH!.com. .org.

Fat Bastard

Surprise, surprise!

(sings) I want my baby-back, baby-back, baby-back, baby-back ribs. I want my baby-back, baby-back, baby-back, baby-back, baby-back, baby-back ribs. Chili... baby-back ribs.

Mr. English Colonel, telling me to lose weight. Oh, I'm a hard case he says! Well listen up Sonny Jim. I ate a baby! Oh, aye! Baby, the other other white meat. Baby, it's what's for dinner!

[To Felicity] Of course I'm no happy! Look at me, I'm a big fat slob! I've got bigger titties than you do! I've got more chins than a Chinese phone book! I've not seen my willy in two years, which is long enough to declare it legally dead! [On the verge of tears] I can't stop eating. I eat because I'm unhappy, and I'm unhappy because I eat. It's a vicious cycle. Now, if you'll excuse me, there's someone I'd like to get in touch with and forgive. Myself. [slowly breaks wind] Sorry. I farted. It's a long road ahead. Oh, who am I kiddin'?! I'm gonna kill ya, anyway!

Get in my belly!

First things first. Where's your shitter? I've got a turtle head poking out.

Dr Evil, I'll make you a deal. You keep your mojo, you keep your money, but I get your baby. (Licks lips)

[To Mini-Me] Come here! I'm bigger than you, I'm higher in the food chain! Get in my belly!

(After Felicity has kicked him in the genitals) OH!!! Right in the mummy-daddy button!

Oh, is that all the thanks I get for the night of hot sex? I'm dead sexy. You were crap!

Dialogue

Austin: ("Vanessa" tries choking him) Vanessa! You're a fembot!

Vanessa: No shit, Sherlock! (throws Austin aside and releases machine guns in breasts)

Austin: Machine gun jubblies? How did I miss those, baby?

Vanessa: Perhaps next time you should try foreplay.

Austin: Right. (to himself) Oh, my God!

("Vanessa" shoots her machine guns to Austin and stops firing as Austin uses the white flag to surrender)

Dr. Evil's voice: Here's your wedding present, Mr. Powers. A kamikaze bride from me: Dr. Evil. (countdown reaches zero. "Vanessa's" head explodes, destroying bits of the hotel room)

Austin: (unharmed, checks to see if his crotch is intact) Oh, thank God.

Jerry Springer: You know, what have we learned here today? Perhaps it's that no one can take your mojo. You can look around all you want, but what you're really tryin' to find is on the inside. Take care of yourself and each other.

Austin: Who are you, baby?

Ivana: Ivana. Ivana Humpalot.

Austin: Excuse me?

Ivana: Ivana Humpalot.

Austin: And I Vanna toilet made out of solid gold, but its just not in the cards now, is it? [laughs]

Ivana: Do you know how we keep warm in Russia?

Austin: Mm, I can guess, baby.

Ivana: We play chess.

Austin: I guessed wrong.

Dr. Evil: [with coffee on his nose] Frau Farbissina, Wie geht es Ihnen? (Meaning: How are you?)

Frau: Sehr gut, Herr Doctor. (Very good, Doctor.)

Dr. Evil: How are things?

Frau: I have come to embrace the love that dare not speak its name. To my right is my lover. [reveals tough female] We met at the LPGA Tour. Her name is Unibrou. [Unibrou reveals her one-eyebrow]

Dr. Evil: Right on. Welcome Unibrou.

[Number Two looks around as if he thinks they're crazy]

Frau: Doctor, you, uh-- [points to the nose]

Dr. Evil: What? What?

Frau: You've got a little milk-nose mustache.

Dr. Evil: [looks at himself in a mirror] I know, I know. I meant to. That's how we drink it in Belgium. It's called a Belgian Dip.

Austin: [Looking through binoculars around neck] Dr. Evil's headquarters is just over that next ridge.

Felicity: Let me look. [Pulls binoculars, with Austin, across]

Austin: Arrh!

Felicity: Damn it! [Pulls binoculars down] How do we get in?

Austin: [Stuck in Felicity's cleavage] Hello, Mummy. Mummy, can I have some chocolate? I want some Mars bars!

Felicity: Austin?

Austin: Don't smack my bottom, mummy!

Felicity: Austin?

Austin: [Pulls himself up] Sorry, love. I got stuck in your dirty pillows.

Felicity: Let's look at the map. [Drags Austin, by the binoculars, into a tentpole.]

Austin: Oh, God!

Austin: Those are skin tight. How do you get into those pants baby?

Felicity: You can start by buying me a drink.

[Austin exhales sharply and heavily]

Dr. Evil: [about his new "laser"] You see, I've turned the moon into what I like to call a "Death Star".

[Scott snickers]

Dr. Evil: What?

Scott: Oh, nothing, Darth.

Dr. Evil: What did you call me?

Scott: Oh, nothing. [pretends to sneeze] Rip-off!

Dr. Evil: Bless you.

Austin: Who sent you?!

Mustafa: You'll have to kill me.

Austin: Who sent you?!

Mustafa: Kiss my ass, Powers!

Austin: Who sent you?!

Mustafa: Dr. Evil!

Felicity: That was easy.

Austin: That was easy.

Felicity: Why did you tell us?

Mustafa: I can't stand to be asked the same question 3 times. It just irritates me.

Austin: Where is Dr. Evil hiding?

Mustafa: Why would he tell me? I'm just one of his low-level functionaries.

Austin: Where is Dr. Evil hiding?

Mustafa: You'll have to torture me. I'll never tell you.

Austin: (quickly) Where's Dr. Evil hiding?!

Mustafa: Damn! 3 times! He's hiding in the secret volcano lair.

Austin: Where's Dr. Evil's secret volcano lair?

Mustafa: (spits) I spit at the question.

Austin: Do I really have to ask you 2 more times?

Mustafa: Go to hell, Powers.

Austin: Fine. (slowly) Where is Dr. Evil's secret... volcano... lair?

Mustafa: I will take it to the grave with me.

Felicity: Aha! You have to answer. He asked you 3 times.

Mustafa: No, no, no! No. The second question was: "Do I really have to ask you 2 more times?". So that would be the first question in a new line of questioning, and wouldn't count in the other line of questioning.

Austin: He's right.

Dr. Evil: The key to this project is the giant laser, which was invented by the noted Cambridge physicist, Dr. Parsons. So therefore, it is fitting to call it: "The Alan Parsons Project".

[Scott snickers]

Dr. Evil: What?

Scott: The Alan Parsons Project was a progressive rock band from 1982. Why don't you just name it Operation Wang Chung, ass?

[Austin picks up a boiling pot, with a stool sample from Fat Bastard inside]

Austin: Cor! This coffee smells like shit!

(Basil looks at the Fat Bastard Stool Sample)

Basil: It is shit, Austin.

Austin: Oh, good. Then it's not just me. (he drinks the sample and smacks his lips while everyone else there looks on with disgust) It's a bit nutty.

General Hawk: Sir, are you suggesting that we blow up the moon?

The President: Would you miss it? (to the other generals) Would you miss it?

Frau: You know I will never love another man.

Dr. Evil: Well, yes. That's true.

Felicity: What do you think of these, my man?

[Felicity exposes her breasts to the guard]

Guard: Mommy!

[Guard rushes forward and plunges to his death in hot magma]

Austin: What a..."burn?" [laughs] That sort of thing could get a man..."fired?" [laughs] I think he was..."hot"...for...you. [laughs]

Felicity: That's enough.

Austin: Yeah.

[Austin chases Dr. Evil who is wearing a space suit with helmet]

[Austin shoots and hits Dr. Evil in his thigh]

Austin: Gotcha!

[Dr. Evil sits up and switches on his speaker unit]

Dr. Evil: Ow! You shot me, you a-hole!

[He switches off his speaker unit]

Austin: And now I'm going to kill you!

[Dr.Evil switches on his speaker unit]

Dr.Evil: Before you do that--ow-- [stands up and in a deep voice] Know this. [pause] Austin. [Heavy, Darth Vader style breathing/voice] I am your father.

Austin: Really?

Dr. Evil: [normal voice] No, not really. I can't back that up.

Austin: Right. Idiot. Yes.

(Frau shoots Austin's gun, Austin quickly drops his gun, Austin runs back to the main chamber to use the time machine)

Dr. Evil: (Without his speaker unit on, mouths "Good work." to Frau)

(Frau doesn't hear him)

Dr. Evil: (Still without his speaker unit on, yells "Good... work!" to Frau, and is barely heard)

(Frau still doesn't hear him)

Dr. Evil: (turns on his speaker unit) (yells) GOOD WORK!! (falls down; glass smashes)

Austin from 10 minutes ago: Come on, Austin from 10 minutes from now! This place is gonna blow!

[Felicity passes away in the gas chamber]

Dr. Evil [pointing to Felicity]: You may have won the battle, Mr. Powers, but you lost the war!

Dr. Evil: [Dr. Evil and Scott are at the Jerry Springer Show] Hello, Scott. Daddy's back.

Scott: How could you do this to me? On national television?!

Dr. Evil: Well, throw me a frickin' bone here, Scott.

Scott: Why'd you run out on me?

Dr. Evil: Because you're not quite evil enough.

[audience starts groaning]

Dr. Evil: [to audience] Well, it's true. [to Scott] You're quasi-evil. You're semi-evil. You're the margarine of evil. You're the Diet Coke of evil. Just 1 calorie. Not evil enough.

White-Hooded Man (Apparently a member of the Ku Klux Klan): What are you? Some kinda freak?!

Scott: [stands up] Shut up, you (bleep)!

Dr. Evil: Okay, come on.

Hooded Man: [stands up, too] I'll kick your (bleep), punk.

Scott: Bring it on, you skanky (bleep)!

Dr. Evil: No one talks to my son like that. It's okay, Scott. (to man with white hood) You mother(bleep)! (stands up and attacks the hooded man)

(the audience goes wild, as well as numerous bleeps, Jerry's bodyguards try to stop the fight):

Dr. Evil: (yells at the hooded man) You were born in your mother's (bleep)!

Audience: (chant) Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Fat Bastard: [Felicity kicks him in the crotch] Oh-h-h, right in the mummy-daddy button!

Felicity: That's for calling me crap, ya fatty!

(Fat Bastard screams as he falls to the ground very hard)

Johnson: [notices Dr. Evil's spaceship on radar] Colonel, you better take a look at this radar.

Colonel: What is it, son?

Johnson: I don't know, sir, but it looks like a giant--

Jet Pilot: Dick!

Dick: Yeah?

Jet Pilot: Take a look outta starboard.

Dick: Oh, my God! It looks like a huge--

Bird-Watching Woman: Pecker!

Bird-Watching Man: [raising binoculars] Oh, where?

Bird-Watching Woman: Wait! that's not a woodpecker. It looks like someone's--

Army Sergeant: PRIVATES! We have reports of an unidentified flying object! It is a long, smooth shaft, complete with--

Baseball Umpire: 2 balls!

[looks up from game]

Umpire: What is that? That looks just like an enormous--

Chinese Teacher: Wang! Pay attention!

Wang: I was distracted by that enormous flying--

Musician: Willie.

Willie Nelson: Yeah?

Musician: What's that?

Willie: [looks up] Well, it looks like a giant--

Colonel: Johnson!

Johnson: Yes, sir!

Colonel: Get on the horn to British Intelligence and let them know about this!

(as Dr. Evil escapes)

Basil: Did we get Dr. Evil?

Johnson: No, sir. He got away in that rocket that looks like a huge--

Schoolteacher: Penis. The male reproductive organ. Otherwise known as tallywhacker, schlong or--

Dad: Wiener? Any of you kids want another wiener?

Son: Dad? What's that? (points at rocket)

Dad: I don't know, son, but it's got great big--

Peanut seller: Nuts! Hot salty nuts! Who wants some?! Lord Almighty!

Woman: That looks just like my husband's--

Ringmaster: One-eyed monster! Step right up and see the One-Eyed Monster!

One-eyed Monster: (jumps out and nearly surprises the crowd, then points to the rocket) Hey! What's that? It looks like a big--

female Fan: Woody! Woody Harrelson? Can I have an autograph?

Woody Harrelson: Sure. No problem. [Sees rocket] Oh, my Lord! Look at that thing!

Female fan: It's so big!

Woody: I've seen bigger. That's--

Dr. Evil: (to Mini-Me while he gives him a flu shot) Just a little prick. It's a flu shot. You've been in the coldness of space. I don't want you to get sick. It's one thing to attack me. It's quite another to attack my Mini-Me. (hands Mini-Me a lollipop) I'm gonna get you, Austin Powers. I'm gonna get you! (both laugh evilly)

Fat Bastard: You want some chicken? I have more!

Felicity: No, thanks...

[Fat Bastard rolls over to get more food at the side of his bed. Felicity takes a homing device out of her purse and notices an opening in his ass]

Basil: [voice-over, via Felicity's memory] Remember, by any means necessary.

[Felicity sticks it in his anus]

Fat Bastard: Oooooh, frisky are we? Give it up! [He rolls on top of her and she yelps]

Fat Bastard: Christ Almighty, it smells terrible in here.

Dr. Evil: It's the volcanic sulphurous emissions. We've put up some air fresheners.

Fat Bastard: Great, now it smells like someone took a shit in a pine tree.

Dr. Evil: Fire the "laser"!

[shows a clip of the UFO from "Independence Day" blowing up the White House]

The President: [ducks under the desk] Damage report! Damage report!

[the staff realizes everything's okay]

General: It's okay. Everything's okay.

Dr. Evil: Actually, that was just footage from the movie "Independence Day", but the real laser would be a lot like that. Yeah. Scary.

Austin: (about to travel back to 1969) Wait a tick. Basil, if I travel back to 1969, and I was frozen in 1967, presumably, I could go visit my frozen self. But, if I'm still frozen in 1967, how could I have been unthawed in the 90's and traveled back to... (cross-eyed) Oh, no. I've gone cross-eyed.

Basil: I suggest you don't worry about this sort of thing, and just enjoy yourself. (to the home audience) That goes for you all, too.

Austin: (to the home audience) Yes.

Robin Swallows: My name is Robin Swallows, maiden name Spitz.

Austin: Well, which one is it, baby, Spitz or Swallows?

(As Robin Swallows and Austin fall from Austin's pad after a shot from a bazooka.)

Robin Swallows: The fall will kill us both, Powers!

(Austin moves Swallows in front of him to both break his fall and kill her as well. They land hard on the sidewalk.)

Swallows: You can't win, Powers.

(Patty O'Brien looks over the edge, reloads his machine gun and opens fire.)

Austin: Why won't you die?!

Number Two: Why not use your knowledge of the future to play the stock market? We could make trillions.

Dr. Evil: (smug laugh to himself) Why make trillions when we could make... (zoom up, play evil sound bite, and pause) Billions? (he happily grins)

Scott: A trillion is more than a billion, numb-nuts.

Dr. Evil: All right, zip it.

Scott: You- you can't even--

Dr. Evil: Zip it! Zi-i-ip.

Scott: Look, all I'm-

Dr. Evil: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, ex-zip-it A.

Scott: Number Two, would you please back me-

Dr. Evil: Look! I'm "Zippy" Longstocking!

Scott: Argh, I can't--

Dr. Evil: (to Devo's "Whip It") When a problem comes along, you must zip it! (imitates whip) Zip it good!

Scott: Frau, would you please-

Dr. Evil: (speaks faux Japanese)... Subtitle: "Zip it".

Scott: I'm just trying to-

Dr. Evil: Zip! Would you like to have a suckle of my "zipple"?

Scott: I want--

Dr. Evil: Sh!

Scott: Stop.