Opening theme song

• Baby, if you've ever wondered;
  Wondered whatever became of me.
  I'm living on the air in Cincinnati.
  Cincinnati WKRP.

  Got kind of tired of packin' and unpackin',
  Town to town,
  Up and down the dial.
  Maybe you and me
  Were never meant to be.
  Just maybe think of me
  Once in a while.
  I'm at WKRP in Cincinnati.

Pilot (1) [1.1]

Herb: Morning, Jennifer.

Jennifer: Morning, Herb.

Herb: Any calls?

Jennifer: No.

Herb: Messages?

Jennifer: Nope.

Herb: Mail?

Jennifer: None.

Herb: Okay, how about lunch?

Jennifer: No lunch either.

Herb: Dinner?

Jennifer: Busy.

Herb: Okay, how about later, my place?

Jennifer: You're married, Herb.

Herb: Oh, yeah.

Johnny: All right, Cincinnati, it is time for this town to get down! You've got Johnny... Dr. Johnny Fever, and I am burning up in here! WHOA! We ALL in critical condition babies, but you can tell me where it hurts, 'cause I got the healing prescription here from the big 'KRP musical medicine cabinet! Now I am talking about your 50,000-watt intensive CARE unit, babies! So just sit right down, relax, open your ears REAL wide and say "Give it to me straight, doctor, I can take it!" I almost forgot, fellow babies... BOOGER!

Pilot (2) [1.2]

Andy: I have only been in this town for two weeks. I'm living in an apartment that doesn't have any furniture. I've been fighting with your mother. I've been fighting with-with-with Les, I've been fighting with Herb. I don't even know where my laundry is, sir.

Mr. Carlson: Oh, settle down.

Andy: Frankly, sir, I'm...I'm just as tired of all this as you are.

Mr. Carlson: Yeah. Heh. Well, I guess so. Listen, for whatever it's worth, I don't know where my laundry is either.

[Jennifer's radio is playing gentle classical music]

Mr. Carlson: Hey, is that us?

Jennifer: No, this is us. [changes stations]

Johnny: Hang onto your brains, fellow babies, this is Doctor Johnny Fever and have I got a contest for you! First prize is, you don't have to die! Second prize, a pocket comb!

Les On a Ledge [1.3]

Herb: Uh, Les, this is Herb speaking. Now, I just want you to know that...if you jump, I'll jump too.

Les: Thanks, Herb.

Les: In the top story of the day, General Wallace Nasami, head of the emerging nation of Nibia, denied his new government was a dictatorship and promised free elections as soon as each citizen of the small country learned to play a musical instrument.

Hoodlum Rock [1.4]

Mr. Carlson: Who's she?

Jennifer: Bailey Quarters.

Mr. Carlson: She work here?

Jennifer: Uh-huh.

Mr. Carlson: I like her.

Jennifer: I know. You say that every time you meet her.

Mr. Carlson: I do?

Herb: Boy, where have you been?

Jennifer: Out with other men, Herb... letting them have their way with me.

Hold-Up [1.5]

Johnny: Right now I'd like to describe some of the incredible action that's going on down here. A man we believe might be a customer has just come from freshening up, and it looks like he's... leaving. No, wait a minute, he's paused there, maybe he's going to chat with Del Murdock, personable owner of Del's Stereo and Sound... yes he is, maybe he's going to buy something, and he's...no, no, he's pulled out a gun...uh, for any policemen who might be listening, apparently we're being held up here at Del's Stereo and Sound...

Del: I've been checking around. I don't see how you guys can do these commercials so cheap.

Johnny: Oh, you'll understand when you see the response you get.

Bailey's Show [1.6]

Dr. Monroe: My, uh, studies establish without a shadow of a doubt, that children are, by adult standards, insane. And more than a little immature!

Johnny: And that's bad?

Dr. Monroe: Well, sure.

Johnny: Well, so what should we do about it?

Dr. Monroe: Round the little guttersnipes up.

Johnny: So, tell me, Doctor. Wh-where did you receive your degree?

Dr. Monroe: In Long Beach, California, Doctor.

Johnny: Long Beach State College.

Dr. Monroe: Oh, ho-ho. No, no, no, no. From a man at the Casa de Soma Apartments.

Bailey: Jennifer, if you don't mind, I think I'm gonna cry.

Jennifer: Bailey, women who want to be broadcast producers do not cry in public.

Bailey: Then I'll cry in my car on the way home.

Jennifer: That's the way men do it.

Turkeys Away [1.7]

Les: It's a helicopter, and it's coming this way. It's flying something behind it, I can't quite make it out, it's a large banner and it says, uh - Happy... Thaaaaanksss... giving! ... From ... W ... K ... R... P!! No parachutes yet. Can't be skydivers... I can't tell just yet what they are, but -- Oh, my God, they're turkeys! Oh! Johnny, can you get this? Oh, they're plunging to the earth right in front of our eyes! One just went through the windshield of a parked car! [unintelligible] Everyone's running around, pushing each other. Oh, my goodness! Oh, the humanity! [unintelligible] The turkeys are hitting the ground like sacks of wet cement! Not since the Hindenburg tragedy has there been anything like this! I don't how much longer I can hold my position here, Johnny. The crowd...

[The radio transmission cuts off.]

Johnny: Les? Les? Les, are you there? Les, isn't there... Thanks for that on-the-spot report, Les. Uh, for those of you who just tuned in, the Pinedale Shopping Mall has just been bombed with live turkeys. Film at eleven.

Mr. Carlson: As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly.

Love Returns [1.8]

Les: This is news, Sternworthy.

Howard Sernworthy: Which makes it all the more surprising that you're here.

Mama's Review [1.9]

Jennifer: Mr. Carlson, I have to go to lunch now.

Mr. Carlson: O-Okay, fine.

Mrs. Carlson: Uh, Jennifer. Who answers the phone when you're at lunch?

Jennifer: Usually I just leave it off the hook.

Mrs. Carlson: You think that's wise?

Jennifer: I don't know. It was Mr. Carlson's idea.

Mr. Carlson: Every time my mother comes for one of these little quarterly reviews, she always leaves with a piece of me in her purse.

A Date With Jennifer [1.10]

Bailey: What's he like on a date?

Jennifer: Very gallant. Later he took me to this intimate little place. I had a martini, and Les had a hot chocolate. Then he took me home.

Bailey: Oh. Did he come up to your apartment?

Jennifer: Oh, I invited him. But on the way up the stairs his knees sort of gave out. But he took a rain check.

Johnny: I'm telling you, free coffee is a constitutional right! Just look it up - Juan Valdez versus the state of California!

The Contest Nobody Could Win [1.11]

Venus: You never went to college.

Johnny: Hey man, I went through Princeton!

Venus: I'll bet.

Johnny: I did. It was in a car. A squad car, actually. Very, very educational.

Jennifer: Mr. Carlson.

Mr. Carlson: What?

Jennifer: You're being childish about this.

Mr. Carlson: I am not. Boy, is this gonna make my momma mad.

Tornado [1.12]

Johnny: [Horrified] Look man, I've been in jail in Mexico. My father called me what's-his-face for seventeen horrifying years. My second wife tried to kill me with a Ronco Vegematic! My mother and I were in a tornado once. We were in a mobile home, and I think God must really hate mobile homes, Andy, cuz tornadoes always attack them first. They get very mobile.

Herb: [reading] "What to do in case of an enemy attack in Cincinnati." Who's going to attack us, Dayton?

Les: Maybe.

Herb: Well, if they come down here, we'll kick their butts.

Goodbye, Johnny (1) [1.13]

Andy: Mr. Carlson, we have got big trouble.

Mr. Carlson: Uh oh, mother's on her way!

Andy: It is not your Momma. It is worse than Momma.

Mr. Carlson: Worse? What could be worse than Momma?

Johnny Comes Back (2) [1.14]

Mr. Carlson: [panicked] I got a monkey on my foot!

Johnny: All right, Cincinnati shape up cause it's time for your morning check up. The Doctor is on duty. I have just returned from personally supervising an extensive research project involving West Coast vegetable worship cults and the cure's here babies. That's right. Doctor Johnny Fever is back and I'm on call every morning on WKRP in Cincinnati!

Never Leave Me, Lucille [1.15]

Herb: Dip?

Venus: None for me, thanks.

Les: Do you have any chips?

Herb: What do you want, the world?

I Want to Keep My Baby [1.16]

Venus: Time to get the funk out your face, Cincinnati!

Johnny: The time is 6:07 in the morning, and it's time for this message.

Commercial: Wouldn't a delicious, ice-cold beer taste particularly good right now? Sure it would!

Johnny: Sure it would.

A Commercial Break [1.17]

Herb: Now listen, these are the copy points you have to work into the jingle, ok? A: 'All weather floral arrangements'...

Venus: What does that mean?

Johnny: Uh, that's plastic flowers.

Herb: ...B: 'Maintenance free artificial turf'....

Johnny: Plastic grass....

Herb: ...C: 'They accept all major credit cards'.

Johnny: That would be your plastic money.

Herb: Commission City! Open your pearly gates to Herb Tarlek and say...

Jennifer: [Suddenly opening the door] There's a dead man in the lobby!

Who is Gordon Sims? [1.18]

Les: Bailey, you're his friend. What do you really know about Venus?

Bailey: You promise not to tell?

Les: I swear.

Bailey: Well, uh... you're gonna think this is a little crazy at first, but uh... I think he's black.

Venus: This is WKRP in Cincinnati, with more music and Les Nessman.

I Do, I Do... For Now [1.19]

Herb: I had a horrible dream last night.

Everyone else: Awww!

Herb: Yeah. I dreamt that John and Jennifer really were married. There were all these little kids running around, and they all had on sweatshirts and dark glasses and three-day beards. And they all started chasing me. All the little Johnnys caught me and tied me up, and I started screaming for help, and then all the little Jennifers just ignored me! And then they grabbed my white belt and just started beating me!

Young Master Carlson [1.20]

Andy: You interested in radio?

Little Arthur: Oh, kinda.

Johnny: It's probably because he knows that the first thing you do when you overthrow a government is seize control of the radio station.

Mr. Carlson: I see you've met Little Arthur.

Bailey: Yeah, he's somewhat of a ... a...

Jennifer: A Nazi.

Fish Story [1.21]

Johnny: All right fellow babies, that was the Doors, and this is sort of Johnny Fever, kind of Doctor. And after [slurs] nine drinks, Venus Flytrap is catatonic, and I myself have personally just seen a giant pig. He is currently painting the walls of our lobby.

Officer: He is obviously drunk, ladies and gentlemen.

Johnny: Yes, he is, and I'm not feeling badly myself.

Officer: You have obviously built up a super-human tolerance to alcohol.

Johnny: Yes, it's true. It was once sort of a hobby.

Preacher [1.22]

Venus: Andy, Little Ed weighs about 300 pounds.

Andy: He does?

Venus: That's right.

Andy: Why do they call him Little Ed?

Venus: Because his wife is Big Ed.

Johnny: The Doctor is not feelin' too good today. The Doctor was a bad boy last night. The Doctor overmedicated!

For Love or Money (2) [2.02]

Johnny: [to Buffy] So you put poison in the brandy. That's very Medieval of you.

Baseball [2.03]

Les: Bailey, you'll lead us in a team prayer.

Bailey: Why me?

Les: Because you're the most wholesome.

Johnny: Greetings, fellow teammates! Say, where is center field?

Bad Risk [2.04]

Mr. Hopkins: [on Herb] I will not be taught how to live by a man in a white belt!

Herb: You know what we call problems in sales? We call them opportunities.

Mr. Hopkins: Les, your friend is a twit.

Jennifer Falls in Love [2.05]

Steel: I like to think that a person's name says a lot about the type of person he is. What was your name again?

Les: [pauses] Les.

Carlson For President [2.06]

Les: The secret is to appear to answer all the questions, when in truth it's all mumbo-jumbo. Here, let me show you. Herb, ask me this question.

[Les hands Herb a card with a question written on it]

Herb: Surely. "Mr. Candidate, what is your energy program?"

Les: Right now, I'm devoting a great deal of time and study to that problem. And I intend to issue a position paper on that. A position that is at once simple, yet complex, flexible, and above all else, fair to every American.

Mr. Carlson: Listen, Venus, how do things look in the black community?

Venus: Oh, same old thing. Big lush lawns, manicured hedges. Living's easy. Fish are jumpin', cotton oh 'bout so high... Daddy's rich. I suppose you don't wanna hear about my momma, huh?

Mike Fright [2.07]

Johnny: You just talk into the mike and your voice goes out through the wires, and once a week, whether you need it or not, somebody comes in here and gives you a check for $38.

Bailey: Don't you ever get scared, you know, like, get stage fright?

Johnny: Well, I'll tell you a secret, Bailey. If you ever find yourself on the air, and you feel a little nervous, just imagine that you're speaking to one specific person. Which in fact is probably the case here.

Bailey: Just pretend you're talking to one person. A friend. Me.

Johnny: Okay.

Bailey: That's how you told me to do it. Now you do it.

Johnny: Okay, I'll give it a try.

Bailey: Just talk to me.

Johnny: This is, uh, your Doctor speaking. Hello, and good afternoon, Cincinnati. I sure would like to take you home and kiss you all over in the dark.

Patter of Little Feet [2.08]

Johnny: [on sex frequency per week statistic] 2.96? I wonder how they do the, uh, .96 part.

Bailey: That is just an average, Johnny.

Johnny: Well, it should average out to three. Somebody's not doing something right!

Mr. Carlson: How many times have you said to yourself, "if I knew then what I know now"? Well, by golly, this is the new then. Now, I mean. Because I know now what I didn't used to know then. As a manner of speaking, you could say that I know now what I know now.

Baby, If You've Ever Wondered [2.09]

Andy: Let me ask you a question - am I the guard, or one of the nuts?

Venus: I think you're a guard on the way to becoming a nut.

Les: It says here my audience share of men 65 and over went down six points.

Herb: Let's face it Les--your audience is dying off.

Bailey's Big Break [2.10]

Andy: There are thousands of stations in this country with women on the air.

Les: As disk jockeys, yes. But this is news, Travis, news - important stuff.

Andy: What about Barbara Walters?

Les: I 'west' my case.

Les: Now about the format. Whenever possible I always try to lead with the hog futures, particularly in the morning.

Bailey: Why?

Les: Because, Bailey, that's what people are interested in.

Bailey: Yeah, but what if a really big story is breaking?

Les: Well, that's when you have to use your news judgment. There will always be exceptions. For instance, when President Richard Milhous Nixon resigned, I led the news with that story. Looking back, I think I made the right decision.

Johnny: [about being alone on Christmas] Do you know how hard it is to find a 2 lb. turkey?

Johnny: [after playing Christmas music] I don't get it either, babies, but somebody out there likes it. So we'll just keep shoveling through the seasonal syrup. Not too much left of this season of good cheer and bad music.

Johnny: Any signs of senility?

Herb Sr.: It's all around, Venus.

Venus: I'm Venus.

Herb Sr.: Then who's he?

Venus: That's Johnny.

Herb Sr.: The black guy?

Venus: No, I'm the black guy.

Herb Sr.: Oh, excuse me.

Herb Sr.: You know, my son speaks about you all the time.

Bailey: He does?

Herb Sr.: No, he doesn't, but he should. My son is a little bit of a jerk.

Venus: [on Herb's suit] Somewhere there's a Volkswagen without seat covers.

Jennifer: You're Les' fiancée?

Darlene: Mm hmm.

Jennifer: Uh huh. Does Les know about this?

Les: [Mrs. Nedelman] doesn't like for me to have lady guests.

Darlene: It must be terrible to have such an awful landlady living right next door!

Les: Oh, she's not my landlady, she's my tenant. I own this duplex.

Darlene: Rather than put an old lady, or even a dog, out in the street, you just take it. What a man you are, Les Nessman.

Andy: [to Johnny] We've got a playlist. You should play the list. We've gotta play some Top 40 hits, don't we? Why, sure we do. Yet you have yet to play a single hit off the playlist all week. Play the playlist. Play a part of the playlist! Play one song off the playlist! Play a part of one of the songs off the playlist! Well, it's so nice to see we've established a dialogue here. There you go, you want to talk about this, I'll be in my office playing with a loaded revolver.

Johnny: [after Andy's pressure to play a Top 40 song] Okay babies, we've got time for just one Top 40 Hit, so let's check out the Captain and Tenille. Uh oh! No more time. Maybe tomorrow!

Venus: [on getting older] I took a look at my wardrobe, and I asked myself, "does a grown man dress like this?"

Les: Everybody around here thinks I'm crazy! Fortunately, you know better than that.

Jennifer: [silence]

Les: Fortunately, you know better than that.

Herb: Unless someone comes out here right now and helps me with this piano, I'm never ever going to speak to any of you again for as long as I live!

[silence]

Les: [about Jennifer's house] My great aunt Eureka Nessman lived in a house very like this once, all alone. She had a little parakeet and she used to let it fly free throughout the house.

Jennifer: Really?

Les: Then she bought another parakeet, and another, and more and more until finally there were thousands of parakeets. And the mess they made was beyond belief. Aunt Eureka had gone insane of course, living all alone in a house very much like this one.

Lucille: We only allow the children to watch wholesome, family entertainment.

TV Hostess: Like what?

Lucille: Well, the Little House on the Prairie. Now that's a fine, wholesome show. It's about blind children out west, and every week they have a fire, or someone gets an incurable disease. We enjoy it very much.