Sourced

• It seems a shallow observation, but… the Tory Conference are not an attractive lot, are they? I mean, if all those people were born in the same village, you'd blame pollution, wouldn't you?
  • The News Quiz, BBC Radio 4, October 1998 (rebroadcast on BBC 7, 30 May 2006)

• … really very critical of hereditary peers, but they — I mean — they've got their faults, but some of those faults have been in the family for generations.
  • The News Quiz, BBC Radio 4, October 1998 (rebroadcast on BBC 7, 6 June 2006)

• You can inherit male-pattern baldness from your mother's father, but not a tendency to fight in the First World War.
  • The News Quiz, BBC Radio 4, October 1998 (rebroadcast on BBC 7, 6 June 2006)

• I don't get this fashion for happy funerals. He said he wanted all his mates to be in a good mood and smile, and this is a very fashionable idea, that when you die, it's supposed to be a celebration and joyous and everyone laughing, but I want people's lives torn apart when I go. I want to be embalmed and brought out when we have guests.
  • The News Quiz, BBC Radio 4, October 1998 (rebroadcast on BBC 7, 13 June 2006)

• My daughter wanted a new pair of trainers. I told her "You're eleven, make your own!"
  • The News Quiz, BBC Radio 4, July 2002

• Have you ever looked at Kylie's teeth? Those teeth are proportional to the teeth of a camel in the mouth of a toddler.
  • QI, BBC Two, 6 November 2003

• The need to compile lists is a personality disorder, as is the need to assert the superiority of some things over other things.
  • Radio Times, 5-11 August 2006, referring to Film4's Fifty Greatest Films

• All socialists have bad backs because we slouch — except when we’re watching the news when we sit on the edge of our seats, shout, and wave our arms. Generally we sit hunched, arms crossed in a judgemental way, the whole of our bodies pulled into a frown.
  • Jeremy Hardy Speaks to the Nation, BBC Radio 4, 2007

• Most harm is done by people who are awake.
  • The News Quiz, BBC Radio 4, 2008-05-16

• Why don't they just accept that life is sad and cheer up it's not forever.
  • The News Quiz, BBC Radio 4, June 2008

• The only way you can ever accuse a Conservative of hypocrisy is if they walk past a homeless person without kicking him in the face.
  • The News Quiz, BBC Radio 4, November 2008

• Capitalism is a great idea in theory, but in practice it just doesn't work.
  • The News Quiz, BBC Radio 4, November 2008

• The Afghan War has clearly reached a stage similar to that moment at your child's party where you realise you've forgotten to give the other parents a pick up time.
  • The News Quiz, BBC Radio 4, 23 January 2009

Unsourced

• Northern Ireland is part of Ireland, not Britain, as can clearly be seen from aerial photographs.
  • Quoted without source in