… really very critical of hereditary peers, but they — I mean — they've got their faults, but some of those faults have been in the family for generations.

You can inherit male pattern baldness|male-pattern baldness from your mother's father, but not a tendency to fight in the World War I|First World War.

I don't get this fashion for happy funerals. He said he wanted all his mates to be in a good mood and smile, and this is a very fashionable idea, that when you die, it's supposed to be a celebration and joyous and everyone laughing, but I want people's lives torn apart when I go. I want to be embalmed and brought out when we have guests.

My daughter wanted a new pair of trainers. I told her "You're eleven, make your own!"

Have you ever looked at Kylie Minogue|Kylie's teeth? Those teeth are proportional to the teeth of a camel in the mouth of a toddler.

The need to compile lists is a personality disorder, as is the need to assert the superiority of some things over other things.

All socialists have bad backs because we slouch — except when we’re watching the news when we sit on the edge of our seats, shout, and wave our arms. Generally we sit hunched, arms crossed in a judgemental way, the whole of our bodies pulled into a frown.

Most harm is done by people who are awake.

Why don't they just accept that life is sad and cheer up it's not forever.

The only way you can ever accuse a Conservative of hypocrisy is if they walk past a homeless person without kicking him in the face.