Clown Heaven and Hell Quotations

Carmen Sandiego is the principal villain in a famous edutainment computer game series of the same name.

Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? (game show)

Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego? (1991-1996) was a popular children's television game show loosely based off the computer games of the same name created by now-defunct Brøderbund Software. “World” aired on PBS and starred Lynne Thigpen as "The Chief", with Greg Lee as "The ACME Special Agent in Charge of Training New Recruits" and Rockapella as the house vocal band and comedy troupe. Rockapella featured Barry Carl (bass), Sean Altman (tenor), Elliot Kerman (baritone), and Scott Leonard (high tenor), with Jeff Thacher (vocal percussion) joining in the final season.

The Taking of the Shrew [1.1]

[Opening clue]

Chief: Now this city is often called "The Birthplace of the Renaissance," and the artists Raphael, Donatello, and Michelangelo did some of their greatest works here. Their recent decision to become ninja turtles has initially been controversial, but is now regarded as just another example of their genius.

The Case of the Cribbed Crater [1.2]

[Phone Tap]

Contessa: Where will I be going?

Carmen: To a city below the Carpathian Mountains on the Danube River.

Contessa: [gasps] Oh, the Danube. I hear a Waltz already.

Carmen: Lay low or you'll hear sirens.

It's the Pits [1.3]

[Greg and the Chief have just received a fax]

Chief: All right. Read it to me.

Greg: Uh, well, you know, it just-- It just kinda says what it says.

Chief: Well, it's gotta be something. Read it!

Greg: Okay. (reads note) "Dear Chief, you are a chump. You and your Glum-shoes still haven't found me or Top Grunge. Catch me if you can. Regards to ACME Slime Net. Signed, Carmen Sandiego", and then, it-- it goes on from there.

Chief: Goes on.

Greg: Yeah.

Chief: What else does it say?

Greg: Uh, it says, (reads the rest of the note) "P.S.: Nanny-nanny... Poo-poo".

The Gateway Getaway [1.6]

Chief: (double-faced) All right. What is it?

Greg: Chief, it's your face. Uh, there's one more than usual.

Chief: Well, I was getting to that!

Greg: Okay. All right.

Chief: Now, if we're gonna crack this case, we'll need as many pairs of eyes as possible. So, I've grown an extra face and I suggest you do the same.

Ripping Off the Rock [1.7]

Greg: Now, Eartha has been very busy. She left Germany, went over to Denmark, crossed the water, went to Sweden, cut back to Wales, then up to Ireland, then she jumped into the water, swam away, and we lost her. Sorry.

The Case of the False False Teeth [1.8]

Voice: Greg! Greg, who's that?

Greg: [indicates Scott as the Dying Informant] Right here? This is... This is Scott. We had a little... We had a little problem. We normally have a service that comes in and...

Voice: I see. Wanna see something special?

Greg: Yeah. Yeah.

Voice: Watch this.

Greg:: Okay.

Voice: Yo! Yo! Scott! Rise.

Scott: [gets back on his feet] Whoo! I feel great!

Greg: Ladies and gentlemen, Scott, the Dying Informant, is alive!

(the audience cheers and applauds as Scott returns to the alley)

The Canal Caper [1.10]

[Phone Tap]

Carmen: Grunge, those ACME agents have sniffed you out. Go to an African country with residents who might tolerate your smell.

Grunge: Thanks, Carmen. (sniffs) I just love to meet new people.

Carmen: Who said anything about people? I meant the famous mountain gorillas studied by Dian Fossey. They were in that movie "Gorillas in the Mist."

Grunge: Geez, Carmen. You expect me to live with animals?

Carmen: Maybe not. They're still thinking it over.

The Case of the Burgled Bugatti [1.12]

Greg: Kelly, you have a very special hobby, right?

Kelly: Yes. I collect tigers. In fact, my nickname's "Tiger".

Greg: No kidding! So, therefore, obviously, then, your favorite baseball team would be the Detroit Tigers.

Kelly: No, I hate the Detroit Tigers! I like the Red Sox.

The Square Scam [1.13]

Chief: Greg, some things are meant to be. Grass is meant to be green. Water is meant to be wet. Carmen Sandiego is meant to be in jail!

The Case of the Purloined Pen [1.14]

Greg: Now, unfortunately, we completely lost Vic the Slick. I don't know whether he went down at sea, there was a storm at sea, if Alcatraz is now under the Atlantic, I'm just really not...

Voice: None of the above! Greg!

Greg: Yeah?

Voice: My office. Now.

Chief: Greg, Lemke just called. He says we're in violation of Crime Net regulation 336-2: The Hand-Puppet Clause. See, we’re on PBS. Kids are watching, and we are required to use a hand puppet.

Greg: Okay. No problem. No problem. Got it handled.

(he pulls his right hand out of his jacket, which has become his hand puppet)

The Great Liberty Lift [1.15]

[Phone Tap]

Carmen: Pack up the bell and hop a plane to King Khalid Airport, the biggest airport in the world.

Patty: I know where that is! Will I have to wear one of those long, black cloaks?

Carmen: You mean an abaya! No. But wear a longer skirt out of respect for their customs.

Patty: And I can't drive, right? Women aren't allowed to drive.

Carmen: You're so smart, dear. Wait a minute! Since when have you been driving?!

Patty: Since I stole a learner's permit!

The SAT Score Scam [1.16]

[Phone Tap]

Patty: Carmen, help! Where should I go next?

Carmen: Head for the Nagoya or the Kanazawa. Some of the high school kids are going through what they call examination hell.

Patty: Eww! Sounds yucky! What is it?

Carmen: They take a series of difficult tests to get into top universities. Many of them spend lots of yen per year on special test-cramming schools after their regular school day ends.

Patty: Wow! No fun! But couldn't they call it examination heck?

Carmen: Just get going!

The Hammering Hank Heist [1.18]

(the Chief gives the first clue)

Chief: Now, Gumshoes, I like baseball. [merengue music is heard] But when I visit this country, it's for the famous merengue festival in Santo Domingo. [she dances the merengue] Y'know, once I hear those ol' rhythms, your Chief becomes... just a non-stop merengue machine!

[Phone Tap]

Vic: Oh, but Carmen, I'm waitin' for some new plaid suits to come back from the tailor!

Carmen: Forget the suits, Vic. The traditional dress here is the ta'ovala. It's a woven mat skirt worn by women and men.

Vic: Geez, Carmen, a skirt?! This could ruin my reputation as a snappy dresser!

Big Ben Bagged [1.19]

Kathie Lee Gifford: I can't believe it. That creep has turned up in my favorite place. The city where I was born! Imagine: he's probably sliming down the Champs-Élysées right now. Or stinking up the Louvre Museum. Maybe he's been sneezing all over someone's cocoa bon at Maxim’s. Yecch. [in French accent] France will never be the same. Never! Johnny!

[Phone Tap]

Grunge: Carmen, I think those Gumshoes are on to me. Especially that detective in the middle.

Diamonds Are a Crook's Best Friend [1.20]

[Phone Tap]

Contessa: Madre mia! Carmen, you're a gem.

Carmen: And you're a brick. Now get going!

[During the Photo Recon briefing]

Chief: The Film Center. Now, you know, I had a cousin named Winslow, who was into film. He was a cameraman, and... Well, he was sort of a show-off. (the camera zooms back and forth while the Chief keeps talking) He was always doing trick shots when nobody asked him to, and got him into trouble. And, uh, things the director never asked him to do. So, uh, finally, nobody would hire him, so he just disappeared, and I've often wondered where... (suddenly looks at the camera that zooms in on her)...he went. Winslow? Is that you? (the camera nods) Where have you been, Win?! You know, you... Oh! I'm sorry. Uh, gumshoes, Manila! Go there! The Contessa and the diamonds are there. Get going! Winslow! We've been looking all over for you. You know that?

The Fall Collection Caper [1.22]

[Phone Tap]

Carmen: Take the tods to a British Island in the West Indies. The Dejan people are lovely hosts. You can hide out in the Garrison, where George Washington slept - the only time he ever left America.

Contessa: Oooh, just my style! Ciao bella!

Carmen: I'm not your bella. I'm your boss.

(Handy, Greg's hand puppet, has just given the final clue)

Chief: Oh, you are just the cutest thing.

Handy: Well, thank you very much. Thank you.

Chief: (laughs) You're welcome.

Greg: Uh, Chief? Chief, you know this is just my hand. Right? I have red stuff here...

Chief: Oh, Greg! Oh, you are such a kidder! Handy, he's such a kidder.

Greg: It's not real. Ladies and gentlemen, Handy the puppet!

(applause)

The Radioscope Ripoff [1.24]

[During the Photo Recon briefing, the Chief starts reminiscing after mentioning the Trevi Fountain]

Chief: Ah. Coins and fountains. You know, that reminds me of a story. Once, there was a little girl whose only wish was to grow up and be a law enforcement official. Now, if she wasn't reading detective books, she was watching detective movies. One day, the girl came across a fountain near City Hall. She closed her eyes, she took out a shiny quarter from her pocket, and she made her wish, and tossed the coin high into the air! Missed the water completely. Today, she's a carpenter somewhere in Florida.

The Case of the Reef Thief [1.31]

(Greg has entered the Chief's office to find her gone, so he sits at her desk)

Greg: (imitates the Chief) Greg, you're the nerve center of this whole operation. You're the only one I can count on. Carmen Sandiego is somewhere in the universe, Greg. The boys down at Photo Recon have put together a few slides. Lemme show 'em to ya. (turns on the slide projector, displaying a blank image) The earth. Population: five billion. Nice place. Try food. It's a local specialty. (displays a second blank image) The sun. Climate: sunny. Don't go barefoot. [displays a third] Black hole. Roaches check in, but they don't check out. (the Chief walks in) That's the universe. Remember the ACME Triangle of Excellence. (forms the triangle with his hands) My left hand. My right hand. Thumbs. Greg, what're you doing? GRE--!

Chief: (turns off the projector) GREG!

The Case of the Purloined Pipeline [1.38]

[Phone Tap]

Carmen: Grunge, you'd better hide that oil where ACME can't find you. Head for the southern end of the Arabian Peninsula. It'll cost you a few Rials to stay in a hotel. You'll love the place. Water's an extremely short supply.

Grunge: Great. No danger of a bath.

Carmen: But you'll have to wear a shirt.

Grunge: Why?

Carmen: It's an Islamic country, Grunge. They find uncovered arms offensive.

Grunge: Gee, Carmen, I like to think that my arms are offensive anywhere.

Carmen: Why me?

Monumental Malfeasance [1.39]

[Phone Tap]

Eartha: This thing's getting awful heavy.

Carmen: Quit your belly-aching. ACME's closing in on you. Take the monument to Monument Valley, and hide it behind a butte.

Eartha: But--

Carmen: Not but. Butte. It's a giant rock formation. You'll find it in a southwestern state near the Four Corners.

Eartha: But--

Carmen: Butte! Butte, you Brute!

The Case of the Lifted Lines [1.40]

Greg: Our next clue is coming to us from ACME Make-Believe-Net. Watch.

X: Well, Top Grunge went to Lancaster County. It's known for its large Amish and Mennonite population. Those are religious groups that believe in livin' a very simple life. Like me. They don't drive cars or use electricity. Top Grunge caused quite a commotion when he roared up from Harrisburg, and he was a big problem around the Shoofly Pie.

Henrietta: Meow meow meow meow?

X: Oh, Henrietta, please don't give it away. Wish you well.

Henrietta: Meow meow.

Greg: Thanks a lot, neighbors.

The Fat Lady Sings No More [1.45]

[Phone Tap]

Carmen: Just be sure to brush up on your Wolof. It's the nation's main indigenous language.

Contessa: Carmen, you make me crazy! Every day, with the brushing up! What am I?! A criminal or a translator?!

Carmen: Contessa, darling, you're going to be an inmate if you don't hurry up. Now, get moving!

[During the Photo Recon briefing, the Chief has just finished]

Chief: You know, I love opera. Always have. Back when I was a little Chieflet, I used to take opera lessons. I practiced every evening, while I helped out at my father's china shop. (sings opera) Lamu. Laa-mu. Laa-- (very high note) MUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!! (things in the office smash to bits) But as soon as I started getting the hang of it, Dad made me give it up and take mime instead.

The Case of the Purloined Pole [1.51]

(Barry enters the room dressed as Santa Claus)

Greg: Looks like we have Special Agent Claus with us today.

Santa: I'm really teed off this time. I'm really teed off! That Robo creep is gonna get coal for Christmas this year! First, he stole the North Pole, and then he's in my summer house in Turku, on the shores of the Gulf of Bothnia. First, he scared the reindeer, and then he turned off the Northern Lights. Ooooooh... I'm mad! [he and his elf return to the alley]

Greg: Okay, okay. Ooh! I'd hate to rile that guy! Not a good idea.

The Purloined Pooch [1.58]

Patty: If it isn't too much trouble, please bring 100 million lire to the Via De La Scrofa. I'll be enjoying fettuccine at Alfredo's. If I don't get the money by the time they serve the cappuccino, Apso will become a little dog gone. Molto grazie. I mean, thank you so very much. Ciao!

Greg: Hmm. Nothin' like a polite threat.

The Costume Caper [1.65]

[During the Photo Recon briefing, the Chief describes New Orleans, Louisiana.]

Chief: If you need to get around, take the St. Charles streetcar line - in service since 1835, and it inspired Tennessee Williams' play “A Streetcar Named Desire.” Take a ride. It's absolutely stellar. (imitates Marlon Brando) Stella. Stella! STELLAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

Disturbing the Heavenly Peace [2.1]

[In the Chief’s office, the Chief has been taken over by the head of E.M.C.A., another crime-fighting agency]

Greg: Well, when are you gonna stop being Conrad Knuckle, and start being my beloved Chief again?!

Chief: [as Conrad Knuckle] All right! As soon as I make this offer to your gumshoes. My organization, EMCA, will send whoever catches Carmen on a free trip to the sausage packing room of Mueller's meat company in Beaver Dam, Wisconsin.

Greg: Gee, Conrad, that's a nice offer, but it's not really the ACME way. I'm not sayin' it's a bad deal or anything. I'm just--

Chief: What do you suggest?

Greg: Well, how about offering a trip to anywhere in North America to the gumshoe who captures Carmen Sandiego?

Chief: Hmm, yeah. That might be better incentive than the meat thing. Okay. Anywhere in North America, it is.

Jeremy: (on phone w/Double Trouble) Hello? No! You cannot be on Growing Pains.

The Immigration Station Perpetration [2.2]

[Greg believes he has come across a Dear John letter addressed to the Chief]

Greg: Well, Chief, you know, I've had my heart broken, too. Yeah. Her name was Patti Fitzbingling-Enhoffendorffer. I called her Patti. And not a day goes by when I still don't think about her, except maybe yesterday, and of course, Tuesday, I didn't think about her...

Chief: Greg, what are you blathering about?!

Greg: Well, Chief, we saw the letter, and, you know...

Chief: Oh. That! Oh. (laughs) This is a letter I got when I was just a little Chieflet in the second grade. It's scrap paper! What's important is what I wrote on the back.

Greg: (checks the back of the letter) I see. ACME Memo.

The Blarney Burglary [2.3]

[Phone Tap]

Carmen: You'll be near the town where celebrities come every year to golf in the National Pro-Am tournament. Bing Crosby founded the tourney in 1936.

Vic: Hey, I love Bing, too. [sings] I'm dreamin' of a white Christmas.

Greg: Hmmm, usually that song puts me in a very festive mood, but now I'm a little nauseous.

Plastic Diver Guy: Vic just hid the Blarney Stone in the Charles River. He's in a city that's home to hundreds and thousands of Irish-Americans. And they've seen their share of Blarney.

Plastic Diver Guy: It's also home to that snooty PBS station that wouldn't hire me to host Nova, even though I begged!

Greg: Now, come on. That is a very lengthy process.

A Carmen for Carmen or I Only Have Islands For You [2.5]

Chief: [on Vic the Slick] He's got bigger oil reserves in his hair than all of Mexico.

[each time Rockapella describes Carmen Island during round 2]

"Beach booty!"

"Mr. Lonely!"

"No cable!"

"Lost lagoon!"

"Far from Greg's house!"

"Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale!"

"Lookin' for an island!"

"Lil' buddy!"

"Let's go to Greg's house!"

The Cave Art Caper [2.8]

[Phone Tap]

Carmen: It's part of the ocean that extends into the continent.

Patty: But that's a gulf!

Carmen: It looks like a gulf, but it's called a sea! See?

Patty: Si. Uh, I mean, yes.

Carmen: Good. Cruise up the coast of Oman. Maybe ACME will think you're just another oil tanker.

Patty: Carmen, who do you think I am? Top Grunge?!

The Boll Weevil Retrieval [2.11]

(after the office sketch, Greg comes out of the office)

Greg: Y'know, that reminds me: I've gotta pay my anti-16-ton weight bill. I haven't... (sees said bill) Oh, there it is right there. (kneels down to pick it up) I've gotta remember to pay this. It's due today, I think.

(a 16-ton anvil falls on him)

Greg: AAH! Okay, Gumshoes. Remember, we're looking for the Boll Weevil Monument and Kneemoi. Fortunately for us, though, ACME Bug Net has just received this phone conversation between Kneemoi and Carmen Sandiego. Watch.

The Statue Steal [2.14]

[During the briefing]

Chief: Oh, now, will you look at that? What? See those two names on top? Someone has thoughtlessly put graffiti on it. Let's try to get a closer look on them. Focus on them. Uh,-- Oh, yes. Sue and Janet. Well, I can't quite make out the last name. Well, Sue and Janet, if you're watching this show, how does it feel to have five million people know you have defaced public property?

The Case of the Little Boy Lost [2.19]

[Phone Tap]

Carmen: And you'll love the geyser, Grunge. It smells like sulfur.

Grunge: What does sulfur smell like?

Carmen: Rotten eggs. Just like you.

Grunge: Carmen, that's the nicest thing you ever said to me.

Superscam [2.20]

[Phone Tap]

Carmen: Head into the rainforest and disguise yourself as a Pygmy Hippo. This is one of the few parts of Africa where they live.

Wonder Rat: Gee, I don't know Carmen. Wonder-Dwarf-Pygmy-Hippo-Rat? It just doesn't roll off the tongue.

Ta-Ta Kenyatta Cantata [2.24]

[Phone Tap]

Carmen: Head for a national park with one of the world's biggest volcanoes. Native Americans called it Tahoma.

Wonder Rat: Aw, a huge volcano? Gee, Carmen, I hope you're not tryin' to get rid of me!

Wondering Where the Water Went [2.27]

[Phone Tap]

Carmen: The Minoan culture on Crete goes back about five thousand years. At a time when most Europeans were still living in the Stone Age, the Minoans were master artists and builders who used a decimal number system and created a form of writing.

Vic: Eh, that's pretty good, but no culture is truly great without polyester.

Carmen: You're hopeless, Vic. Just get moving.

She Took the Notes Right Out of My Mouth [2.56]

[Phone Tap]

Kneemoi: Carmen, I-- [church music is heard playing in the background] Hey! Hey, pipe down! Carmen, I can't get these voices to pipe down!

Carmen: Here, let me talk to them. Pipe down! [silence] There. Now, I want you to go undercover down under, to the capital of Australia.

Kneemoi: Australia? Who's that?

Carmen: Not who. Where. The capital is a completely planned city on the Molonglo River.

Kneemoi: On the river? How do they keep it from sinking?

Carmen: No! No! No! That's just a geographical expression. It means built beside the river.

Kneemoi: I'll never understand humans. Never!

The Great Train Slobbery [2.57]

Greg: Hello?

Norm Abram: Greg, it's Norm Abram. Without an "S".

Greg: Uh, Norm, I'm sorry. We thought it had the "S". We'll take it off.

Norm: Listen. You have to catch Carmen Sandiego. She ran off with my plunge router guide. How am I supposed to build that scale model of the Taj Mahal out of cherry wood without my plunge router guide? You've gotta do something, Greg.

Greg: Well, now, Norm, far be it from me to give you advice, but I would use a brace and a bit.

Norm: Thanks, Greg. Bye.

(he hangs up)

The Case of the Filched Freedom Fighter [2.58]

[Greg enters the Chief’s office to find the desk overflowing with fruit.]

Greg: Chief, what's with the fruit here?

Chief: Greg, is this one of your practical jokes?

Greg: No, Chief! No way! You made me promise, no more practical jokes after that disaster with the hair dryer and the 9 ferrets. (both shudder)

Chief: Ooh! Then it must be Carmen Sandiego who's behind this! (laughs maniacally) Well! If this is the way she wants it, I'm going to fight fire with fire!

Greg: Or melons with melons!

I Lost Lucy [2.59]

Greg: (answers phone) Hello?

Dennis Miller: Hello. Greg? Dennis Miller. Look, I've got a little message for you and your puttyboots, pal.

Greg: They're Gumshoes.

Dennis: I don't care if they're horseshoes, cha-cha. Okay? Listen. There's a pan-global kleptomaniac in a slouch hat running around out there, and it's time you did something about it. I know trilobytes who are closer to catching Carmen Sandiego than you. You're laurels are creasing, Greggo. It's time to stop resting on them, pal. (hangs up)

Greg: Nice guy. Dennis Miller, my good buddy.

Stoneheist [2.60]

[Greg enters the Chief’s office to find her gone. He answers the ringing phone to hear a voicemail from the Chief.]

Chief First question: How close are you to catching Carmen Sandiego? Dial 1 for: We got her, 2 for: We're extremely close, or 3 for: As usual, she's evaded us 3 times, and we look like dopes.

Greg: Oh, I guess that would be 3. [dials 3]

Chief: Well, I'm not surprised. Second question: How should we encourage the gumshoes to work harder? Dial 1 for: Threaten to fire them, 2 for: Poke them with sticks, or 3 for: Offer the one who catches her a free trip anywhere in North America.

Greg: Hmm... Ah! That's a tough choice, but I'm gonna go with 3. [dials 3]

Cur Cribs Curves [2.61]

[Greg is interviewing Greg Spatz, one of the gumshoes. NOTE: For convenience, Greg Spatz will be listed as “Greg S.”]

Greg S: Well, I enjoy playing baseball, basketball, soccer, badminton, and cricket.

Joshua: Cricket? You do not!

Greg S: I- I enjoy playing cricket with my friends in my spare leisure time.

Greg: You guys know each other, I take it? From school?

Greg S: Yeah, we both go to the same school.

Swiping the Supremes [2.63]

[Phone Tap]

Carmen: Convene that court and move out fast. Head for a country where King Hammurabi once ruled.

Patty: Sure, Carmen. That was part of ancient Mesopotamia. It's where they created writing, and the wheel, and the 60-minute hour, and...

Carmen: And unfortunately for us, Patty, they created one of the first systems of law. Its main principle was the strong shall not injure the weak. Hah! Can you imagine?

Patty: Gee, Carmen, how did you ever learn so much about the law?

Carmen: I make it a point to know my enemy.

Bathing Booty [3.1]

[Greg flashes back to the first time he met the Chief.]

Greg: [in a fake Australian punk accent] Right! This ACME Crime Net?

Chief: Yes.

Greg: I got a package for you. It's a new "Best of the Bee Gees" album.

Chief: Oh, fabulous.

Greg: I hate the Bee Gees. Right!

Chief: Oh, well, what kind of music do you like?

Greg: Right, I got me own punk band, right? With 4 other guys. And we play loud music and sometimes, we would take a box of 64 crayons and crush 'em for no reason! Right?! That's the kinda music I love!

Robot Robotnapper [3.2]

(Greg, the Chief, and the Gumshoes travel to the Azores)

Greg: Wow! How can we afford this cool monorail, Chief?

Chief: 3 words, Greg: "Viewers like you"!

Rockapella: Robo-Crook! BINGO!!

Little Dog Gone [3.3]

[Phone Tap]

Patty: Carmen, this bronze dog is awfully heavy. And he doesn't even know any tricks!

Feckless Felons of Fenway [3.6]

[Pinch, the Word Queen, needs to fix Greg’s cards, so Greg takes a break.]

Greg: Cool. [voiceover] A break? Sure I could use a break. Maybe I'll just pluck around back here for a clue. [puts a "Kick Me" sign behind a cameraman] A-ha! [sees a man dressed as a Viking holding a card] A Viking. Perchance the boys are in southern Ireland. In an important harbor that's the country's second largest city.

Pinch: [voiceover] Now, how did he get that from a Viking costume? Wouldn't like leprechaun be more appropriate?

Greg: Well, you see, Pinch, Vikings sailed up Ireland's rivers in the 800s and they establish lots of cities. Including this one.

Pinch: Oh, gotcha. Hey, you'd better get back to work. [hands back Greg's cards] Here are your cards.

Greg: Thanks. [returns to the gumshoes and kicks behind the cameraman; aloud] I guess we're just on the same wavelength.

Where the Wandering Wildebeests Went [3.7]

[Greg meets the Shadow for a clue.]

Greg: We meet again?

Shadow: Yes. The volleyballs have the mumps.

Greg: Okay, don't tell me. Volleyballs-- Uh, volleyballs mean... Sti--

Shadow: Oh, you never know the code!

Greg: I've been busy!

[The Chief gets ready for a briefing]

Chief: There are 15 places here in Norway where you might find Kneemoi, the Warrant, or the Wildebeest. Uh, Wildebeests. Wi-- Wildebeestees. Wi-- Whatever. Here are a few of them.

Chief: (about Oslo) "Wildebeest" turn up here? They just might.

Withdrawal Symptoms [3.8]

Greg and the Chief: (after dancing the polka) CHOCOLATE WAFFLES!! CHOCOLATE WAFFLES!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

The Pied Pirates of Petra [3.11]

[Phone Tap]

Carmen: Boys, pack up Petra and roll out. Those ACME dum-shoes are on to you.

Double Trouble: Geez, Carmen, we were just skankin' to some Dancehall music.

Carmen: Dancehall music? You mean that jammin' mix of Reggae and Rap? Well, guess what? You're going to Kingston! Then, Montego Bay.

Double Trouble: Kingston? Hey, Carmen, that's where Dancehall music got started. And now, it's played all over the island. We never figured you'd be hip to it.

Carmen: Don't underestimate me, boys. I've stolen every record Shabba Ranks ever made.

Double Trouble: Carmen, you are de don.

Rockapella: Double Trouble (Trouble)! Yes, indeedy-doo!!

The Glacier Erasure [3.17]

[Phone Tap]

Vic: Hey, maybe I could sell the king this berg, huh?

Carmen: Can you bargain and speak Swati?

Vic: Eh, no, but good taste is a universal language.

Carmen: Then you're universally illiterate.

Rio Rock Wranglers [3.18]

[Mrs. Pumpkinclanger is giving Greg a clue to Waterloo, Belgium.]

Mrs. Pumpkinclanger: "How that red rain hath made the harvest grow", said the poet Lord Byron. He was describing a site in the center of Belgium, where Napoleon fought his last battle in 1815 and now Double Trouble are a blight on that same site. Uh, you know, I'm a bit of a poet myself. [reads a book] “The stench of crime lies heavy upon us/like a patient etherized upon a table/And alas, my downstairs neighbors/are the clumsy surgeon/and trusted with its cure.” Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Good-bye. [shuts her window]

Greg: Good-bye. Thank-- Thank you very much. Thanks a lot. By the way, we have copies of her book in the lobby after the show.

Greg: Y'know, that brings back a lot of memories. I remember my first case that I solved. Took me just three months: Colonel Mustard, in the library, with the lead pipe. RIGHT!!

Audience: RIGHT!!!

Brazilian Lingo Sting [3.23]

[Phone Tap]

Carmen: Kneemoi, head for a southeast Asian country where most people practice a very traditional form of Buddhism.

Kneemoi: Buddhism? Is that different from Shoe-ism?

Carmen: Kneemoi, it's a religion. Centered on the 37 Nats. Mythical figures who each have a story. Believers honor the Nats and give offerings. Sort of the Buddhist version of Catholic saints.

Kneemoi: On my planet, we honor plumbing devices.

The Bollywood Shuffle [3.28]

[Greg answers the phone as usual, but instead of Double Trouble, it’s Neil Patrick Harris.]

Greg: Hello?

Neil Patrick Harris: Greg?

Greg: Yeah?

Neil: This is your doctor.

Greg: Yeah.

Neil: I got your letter about your little problem.

Greg: Well, I don't think I want you to talk about that on national--

Neil: No, No, there's nothing to be ashamed of, Greg. Lots of people drool in their sleep.

Unfair Exchange [3.31]

(Greg answers the phone)

Greg: Hello?

Joe Biden: Greg, Senator Joe Biden here.

Greg: Oh, hey, Senator.

Joe: I just wanted to let you know that I proposed a Congressional resolution naming you "The Best Detective of the Year".

Greg: Why thank you, sir.

Joe: But some people were more comfortable with "Best Detective of the Month".

Greg: Uh-huh.

Joe: And a few preferred "Best Detective of the Work Week". Then someone suggested "best" is an awfully strong word, so we decided to name you "The Somewhat-Notable Detective of the Next 12 Minutes". Congratulations, Greg.

Greg: Thank you very much, sir. Thank you. Good-bye. Thank you.

Badwoman Steals Goodman [3.34]

[Phone Tap]

Carmen: Come on. Answer. ACME's closing in!

Patty: [on answering machine] Hi. This is Patty. I can't come to the phone right now. Leave a message and if I can fit you into my busy schedule, I'll get back to you. [machine beeps]

Carmen: Guess who, Twinkle Toes? If you don't scram, I'll be leaving messages with your warden! Take the theatre to a capital on the Danube River. The nightlife there has been buzzing since the fall of Communism. Restaurants, cafes, and theatres are all crowded with people. There's even a posh shopping street nicknamed the Fifth Avenue of Eastern Europe. And one more thing: I really hate answering machines.

(BEEP!)

Tattoo Snafu [3.35]

[Phone Tap]

Carmen: Kneemoi, take the tattoos to another rainforest in an African country on the equator. Many people there believe in magic.

Kneemoi: Ah, yes. Even we aliens admired his basketball prowess.

Carmen: Not Magic Johnson. Magic. You know, people turning into animals, that sort of thing.

ABCee Ya Later [3.37]

(at the start of the Jailtime Challenge)

Greg: You guys were tied at the end of the last round. We flipped a coin. Antonio, you won that toin coss. Toin coss? That cossed toin. You won. You're gonna go first. Go ahead.

Lauren: Connor Prairie.

Greg: Connor Prairie.

Rockapella: (sings) 1 mile from Scott's house!

Greg: (laughs) What's the truth?

Scott: (sings alone) 1 mile from my house!

Rockapella: (when Antonio wins the 2nd round) Wonder Rat! TOUCHÉ!!

The Robozone Robbery [3.61]

Scott: (when the Ozone Layer is revealed; sings to the tune of "Tomorrow") The sun'll come out forever!!

Rockapella: Robo-Crook! Stay!

Fugone But Not Fugotten [4.12]

(Greg and the Gumshoes constantly try to pronounce Mt. Aconcagua properly)

Greg: How we doin' on that, Word Queen? I'll tell you what, I don't know how to say it exactly. But it is... Is it okay? Say it one time for us. Here's the Word Queen, Pinch.

Pinch: Mt. Aconcagua.

Greg: ...Is the right answer!

René: Lucy the Elephant.

Greg: Uh, yes, this is a 7-story elephant-- Or it's a building in the-- I'm havin' trouble, aren’t I? It's like a building. It's shaped like an elephant. Used to be hotel. Is that-- fast enough? Go, buddy. (the box has trouble turning around completely and Rockapella makes elephant trumpets as Greg comes up to check it out) Wait a s-- It's still in there! There goes Lucy! It's not gonna turn.

Rockapella: (sings) Low budget!

Greg: Okay. We turn 'em back around. Turn 'em back around. Just a reminder, folks. It's viewers like you that keep us on the air every week.

A Disaster Aria [4.33]

[The Chief describes the ACME Voice Identification Badge and Leave-A-Message Wallet]

Chief: It's our secret weapon in a fight against Carmen and her gang, right?

Chief's voice on recording: Right. Well, sorta.

Chief: Sorta-- Sorta?! Oh, I'm not paying you to say sorta! Greg!

The Off-Course Norse Course [4.50]

[Phone Tap]

Carmen: Boys, head for an Asian country east of South Korea. Writers there started a form of poetry called Haiku.

Double Trouble: Poetry? We love rhyming! That's why our name is Double Trouble, Charmin' Carmen.

Carmen: A traditional Haiku doesn't rhyme. It's a short verse using nature or the seasons as a theme. A Haiku is just 3 lines long and exactly 17 syllables.

Double Trouble: Whoa! You have to count?

Carmen: It's not that tough, boys. Here's a Haiku I just wrote. Cash, green as spring grass. Jewels, glistening like snow. Theft, always in season.

Double Trouble: Carmen, that's the sweet sound of poetic injustice.

Melissa: Cuñapirú Dam.

Greg: Cuñapirú Dam.

Sean: (sings) No cussing!

Take a Byte Out of Crime [5.20]

[Phone Tap]

Carmen: Robo, lay low on an island that borders the Coral Sea. Whatever you do, don't pet the birds.

Robo: How can I get in touch with my warm human side if you keep me away from cuddly critters?

Carmen: You wouldn't want to get in touch with some pitohuis. It's the world's first known poisonous bird. Contact with its feathers or skin causes a numbing sensation.

Robo: Like watching reruns of Star Trek?

Latitude Adjustment [5.46]

[In the Chief’s office, Greg and the Chief find themselves feeding a giant duck at the center of the Earth. While they do so, Barry comes to offer a disclaimer.]

Barry: [in an English accent] The concept of a giant duck at the center of the Earth is fictional, and is intended solely for entertainment purposes. The center of the Earth actually consists of a lot of complicated gases and minerals that would take a long time to explain, and aren't very funny, anyway.

A Rodent Ran Through It [5.50]

[Queen Elizabeth II, on a Belizean bank note, is offering up information as a part of ACME Money Talks-Net.]

Queen Elizabeth II: Now that wretched rat is stirring up trouble, and I need you to stop him! I've got enough headaches keeping Charles and Di out of the the headlines!

Greg: [chuckles nervously] Yeesh.

(Greg returns from the alley after the Word on the Street sketch)

Greg: Y'know, the strange thing was, though, they never did tell me who had the exploding pants.

(An explosion is heard, and Barry runs in, dressed as a clown and followed by a cloud of smoke, with his pants ripped to shreds at the seat; the rest of Rockapella, also dressed as clowns, follow him in and spray him with fire extinguishers; Greg laughs like crazy)

Greg: It was Barry. But he's okay!

(the audience cheers and applauds)

Other

[The show's opening line (Season 1)]

Chief: All of these people want to know, Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?!

Rockapella: Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?

[The show's opening line (Seasons 3-5)]

Chief: All these people want to know...!

Rockapella: (sing) Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?

[Greg repeated this line often in seasons 2 and 3, and in every episode in seasons 4 and 5.]

Greg: All of our answers have been verified by National Geographic World.

Rockapella: (sings) National Geographic World!

(The Chief often uses this just after the Photo Recon briefing to send the Gumshoes on their way to the Jailtime Challenge)

Chief: Remember the ACME Triangle of Excellence: (brings up her right hand) Vigilance, (brings up her left hand) Dedication, (brings her thumbs down) Courage.

(The Chief often uses this just after the Photo Recon briefing to send the Gumshoes on their way to the Jailtime Challenge)

Chief: Begin the Crime Net Countdown:

5 are the senses you need

4 putting crooks on the run.

3 rounds to fight against greed

2 be sure justice has

Greg, Gumshoe(s), and audience: DO IT, ROCKAPELLA!!!

Where in Time is Carmen Sandiego? (game show)

Where in Time Is Carmen Sandiego? (1996-1998) was a children's television game show loosely based off the computer games of the same name created by now-defunct Brøderbund Software. “Time” aired on PBS and starred Lynne Thigpen as the Chief; Kevin Shinick as the ACME Time Pilot Squadron Leader; Alaine Kashian, John Lathan, Owen Taylor (season 1), and Jamie Gustis (season 2) as the “Engine Crew”; and Janine LaManna (season 1) and Brenda Burke (season 2) as Carmen Sandiego.

[The Chief’s opening lines, season 1]

Chief: Time Pilots, (name of villain) just stole something from the past. You’ve got 28 minutes to get it back, or history will change forever! Initiate Chronoskimmer launch sequence! Boot up the Chrono-computer! Power up the engines! Extend the temporal sequencer! Now, get going!

[The Chief's opening lines, season 2]

Chief: Time Pilots, (name of villain) just stole something from the past. You've got 28 minutes to get it back, or history will change forever! Boot up the Chrono-computer! Launch the time probes! Power up the engines!

[Jacqueline Hyde, a V.I.L.E. henchman with a split personality, has been summoned by Carmen to commit a crime.]

Jacqueline Hyde: Hi, Carmen! I was just playing catch with my uncle. [voice becomes modulated] Boy, is he hard to throw!

[Jacqueline Hyde, About to Attack the Ship Season 1]

Jacqueline Hyde: Hey Time Pilots, Catch! (Throws an Energy Orb and Laughs Maniacally)

[After Medeva damaged the ship Season 2]

Medeva: Let's see David Copperfield try that!

[Dr. Belljar, a V.I.L.E. henchman who happens to be a cyborg mad scientist, has been summoned by Carmen to commit a crime.]

Dr. Belljar: Eureka, Carmen! I've perfected a way to mash potatoes... inside their skins! (giggles manically)

[Dr. Belljar, after he attacked the ship, Season 1.]

Dr. Belljar: Catch Me if you can Time Pilots!

[The Chief is presenting a consolation prize of a portable music system.]

Chief: It comes complete with headphones. [Alaine from the Engine Crew pops up wearing telephones over her ears.] I sincerely apologize for that joke.

[The show’s signoff line]

Kevin: Remember: at ACME Time Net, history is our job, the future is yours!

Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? (computer game; third version)

[At the beginning of the game, the Chief greets the player.]

Chief: Hello and welcome to ACME, I'm the Chief. But you can call me...well...'the Chief.'

[The Chief is congratulating the player for having captured Miss Ann Stuf.]

Chief: You made life tough for Miss Ann Stuf; and now a lot fewer people will be missing their stuff.

[The Chief is introducing a new case.]

Chief: VILE's villans have vexed Vietnam. Someone's took all of the water from the Mekong River. How could they steal a jillion gallons of water without being seen? I don't know. Very sneakily, I'll bet. Now, vamoose to Vietnam and reign in that river wrangler!

Where in Time is Carmen Sandiego? (computer game; third version)

[Benjamin Franklin has been presented with the left foot from a statue of King George III.]

Benjamin Franklin: When we spoke of "defeeting" King George, that's not exactly what we meant.

Thomas Edison: Someone really needs to invent a more convenient store - open twenty-four hours a day.

Ivan Idea: Wow, Edison really does think ahead of his time!

Carmen Sandiego: Word Detective

Agent 12: Agent 12 reporting.

Chase Devineaux: [over a radio] Go ahead, 12. What do you see?

Agent 12: Sand, sir, nothing but sand.

Chase Devineaux: Then you're not looking hard enough. The Tower has to be there. [The ground starts shaking] The coordinates say you're practically on top of it.

[The Tower rises up from right under Agent 12's feet.]