Bill Engvall Quotations

Bill Engvall is an American comedian, and a member of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.

Here's Your Sign (1996)

My girlfriend in high school had a 12 foot boa constrictor, she named it Fluffy. That's just sick in my book. Well, we go over to her house, I don't know about the snake, and she says, "Hang on while I get into something more comfortable, okay?" and I'm like, "All right!" A few minutes later, she comes out wearing that snake around her neck, I'm backin' away, saying, "No thanks, I can drive." She says to me, "No, wait, Bill. Fluffy can wrap around us while we make love." I said, "No, he can't. 'Cause I'll kill him. Okay?"

[playing golf with his friends]

So finally, on about the fifteenth tee, I hit the drive of my life. And any of you people who play golf, you know the drive I'm talking about. The minute you hit it, you just drop your club. You hang on to the beer, let's don't get stupid. And I watch this ball just go and go and . . . kind of hit this guy in the head. And I felt bad, but he overreacted, I thought. I mean, it wasn't like a square hit; it just kind of glanced off his head. But he goes whippin' his car off the freeway, like "here we go!" Mr. Attitude! So now, he's barreling down the fairway screaming at the top of his lungs, like "what are you, some kind of cruddy golfer?" I'm like, "hey, I hit you, didn't I? You were traveling sixty-five miles an hour. That's a pretty good shot in my book."

[about "TV golfers" who try to help other people out]

He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he's like "there's a golf shot. That's a golf shot." Well of course it's a golf shot; I just hit a golf ball. You don't see Gretzky skating around going "there's a hockey shot, that's a hockey shot."

Now That's Awesome (2000)

[about an incident in a coffee shop]

I go "I just want a cup of black coffee." She goes "Do you want to try a biscotti? They're from Italy and they're considered a delicacy." Have you ever eaten one of these things? It tastes like a burned cookie. Where I'm from, that's considered a mistake.

[during a bit about dogs]

That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men.

[about how people in the 90's used "awesome" wrongly]

Webster's dictionary defines awesome as "anything that leaves you in awe and wonder." Like winning the lottery ... twice. That would be awesome. Getting a phone call from the IRS saying you've been audited and they owe you $50,000. That would be awesome. Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads "Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth." That would be awesome. Getting invited to the Playboy Mansion ... on trampoline night. That would be awesome. And I started thinking what would be awesome for Bill Engvall? What would leave me in awe and wonder? And it would have to be if I left this stage tonight and went back to my hotel room. And Shania Twain met me at my door, wearing nothing but a fur coat, holding a note from my wife that said "have a good time." THAT would be AWESOME! It ain't gonna happen; but that would be awesome.

[watching a baseball game in Los Angeles]

This guy from L.A. sits down next to me, and he says "you like baseball?" I said, "Oh, man, I love baseball." So he goes "Did you know that if Jesus had played ball, he'd have been the greatest ball player ever?" Like I'm gonna argue with that logic. So I sat there for a second, and then I said "did you know that if Babe Ruth had been the Messiah, the Catholics would have beer and hot dogs at Communion?" He left.

There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing someone for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper.

Cheap Drunk: An Autobiography (2002)

My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating.

I've come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid's parent/teacher conference. Number one: "You're only responsible for the first $10,000 worth of damage." Number two: "We have medication for this." And number three: "It was more than an ounce and he was less than a hundred yards from the school."

[while snow-skiing with his family]

I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.

[about his son Travis]

[He] can procrastinate more than any kid I've ever met in my life. When I tell my son to go take a shower, it can easily be forty-five minutes before I hear the water start running. Do you got one like this? He gets up in his bathroom, 'cause he has go to the bathroom again. And I don't even think he has to go; I think he just enjoys the comfort of that seat. It's like his La-Z-Boy rocker. He's got books in front of it, and LEGOs. And one night, I told him to go take a shower, and I didn't hear the water run for about an hour, and I said "that is it!" And I went upstairs and I walked in his room, and I heard this "boom, boom, boom." And I looked around the corner of the bathroom, he is standing butt naked in front of the mirror going "shake your boom boom, shake your boom boom." And I let it go for about ten seconds, then went "SHAKE IT, BOY!" We don't nekkid dance anymore.

[about magazines school children sell, which his wife buys without even looking at what she's buying]

We get a magazine called Modern Ferret. It's a magazine about that hairy rat, I swear to God! And if you ever see it, pick it up. And on the inside cover, it's a woman and the man who publish this magazine wrote this inscription: "some day, we hope to make money doing what we love, playing with our ferret." Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't Pee-Wee Herman lose a lot of money playing with his ferret?

Here's Your Sign Reloaded (2003)

[after drunkenly getting his ear pierced]

I go "it wasn't my fault, it was Captain Morgan!" And [my wife] goes "Oh, like when Jose Cuervo made you ride the floor buffer?", and I said "Exactly!"

[about how men are "basic", while women are detail-oriented]

I was at the gym the other day working out with my buddy. My buddy Joey. And he goes "hey, man, I'm getting a divorce." I said "Wow, that sucks. Can you spot me?" That was our whole conversation! So then I go home to my wife, and I say "Hey, Joey is getting a divorce." She goes "Oh, my God! What happened?" "I dunno." "What do you mean you don't know? Is she cheating on him, is he cheating on her?" "Again, I'm not holding anything back here, I don't know!" She goes "Bill, someone tells you they're getting a divorce and you don't ask any questions?" And I go "Well, that's because he didn't ask me a question! He didn't say 'hey Bill, what do you think about me getting a divorce?', he said, 'I'm getting a divorce', which said to me, 'I require no further input on your part.'" If he had said 'What do you think about me getting a divorce?', I'd have said, 'Well, you're gonna be dating again, so you should work on your pecs'.

15° Off Cool (2007)

Welcome to my garage! This is where I go to get away from the honey-do list.

(mimicking a big fish talking to a little fish)

"Hey - Perch..."

(points at his eyes, then at the imaginary perch's)

"Look at me..."

(thinks, concedes, then points at the sides of his head where a fish's eyes would be)

"Look at me..." - oh, I've thought it all through - "if you ever see a worm... in the shape of a J... swim away. That's how we lost your Uncle Pike."

(mimicking a fish's gills wither side of his neck) "Hey..." (cracks) You paid to see it... "hey... Ever eaten a worm?" (2nd fish) "What? When did you eat a worm?" "Oh I was on the riverbank... catching my breath..." - thank you, those of you who got that...

Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie (2003)

She's online with her friends, and little boys are starting to call the house. Oh, my God, we had a kid call the house at two in the morning. Oh, I lost it. 'Cause first of all, I'm off in La-la land with Shania Twain in the mountains somewhere. I hear a phone ring and I'm like "Who's got a phone in the mountains??" So when I realize it's my phone, I'm already a little miffed, so I go, "Hello!" And this little voice says "Uh . . . is Emily there?" And I go, "Dude, if you have a brain in your skull, you will hang this phone up right now!" Click. Then my wife turns to me and goes, "Bill, you've got to be nice." And I go, "No, ma'am. "Nice" stops at midnight!"

[after watching the food teasing scene in "9 1/2 Weeks"]

I thought, "I'm gonna try that at my house!" Well apparently, baloney and string cheese is not a real big turn on to a blindfolded woman.

Who applies for that job? Who says "I want to work in lost luggage"? You don't have a good day. That's like having a job emptying port-a-potties. You're just going to catch crap all day long.

[his plan to prevent potential boyfriends from taking advantage of his daughter]

I'm going to pull him in tight next to me so only he and I can hear the conversation. And I'm gonna say to him, "Boy, look at me. You see that little girl right there? She's my only little girl, man. She's my life. So if you have any . . . thoughts . . . about huggin', or . . . kissin', you remember these words: 'I've got no problem going back to prison.'"

Because we've become so ecologically minded now, they have developed a product called "Rapidly Dissolving Toilet Paper." Just how "rapidly" are we talking? 'Cause I don't want to have to play "Beat the Clock" in the thicket.

Blue Collar Comedy Tour: One For the Road (2006)

[about trampolines]

I discovered two very important facts that day - Number one: The springs will pull the hair out of your legs, and Number two: the dog doesn't like to bounce.

[on being condescended to by a flight attendant] Lady, I didn't get up this morning wanting to be a jackass...but you just pushed my jackass button.

Here's Your Sign Live! (2004)

[about his daughter Emily, who scored 1390 on her SATs]

Now, I tell you that for two reasons. One, to brag. And two, to tell you she wants to retake the test. I go, "what are you, stupid?" I wish my SAT scores had four digits in it! That equal 13.

My son is 12 now, and is really getting into girls. A lot. But the thing about twelve year old boys is that they don't possess what I like to call that . . . discretionary gene yet. We were walking home from the ballfield the other day and there was a woman walking towards us who was . . . gifted. I saw them, and I saw him see them. But she was too close for me to go, "Dude, shut up." She hadn't walked two feet behind us and he goes "God dang, did you see the SIZE of those things?" And all I could say was "Yeah, I did!"

You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say "My Bad!".

[after watching a spitting cobra spit at Steve Irwin]

Y'all, I am screaming at my television set: THEY'RE SPITTING COBRAS, YOU MORON!!

Multiple

I thought "RV" stood for "Recreational Vehicle." No! It stands for "Ruins Vacations."

Here's Your Sign

Engvall's trademark routine is "Here's Your Sign". He retells stories of people asking him stupid questions (that usually have a blatantly obvious answer), to which he gives a sarcastic response, similar to Mad Magazine's Snappy Comebacks, followed by "Here's your sign".

His explanation for the "signs"

I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.

Engvall is in the park flying a kite with his son.

Passerby: Y'all flyin' a kite?

Engvall: Nope, fishin' for birds! Here's your sign.

On the phone with his wife when the plane he was on stopped after hitting a deer.

Engvall's wife: Oh my God! Were you on the ground?

Engvall: Nope, Santa was making one last run. Here's your sign.

On a trip to go deer hunting with his wife:

Engvall's wife: Why do they put those [Deer Crossing] signs up? Deer can't read!

Engvall: No, but they do recognize pictures of themselves. Here's your sign.

On the self-same trip:

Engvall's wife: When do the deer turn up?

Engvall: I don't know. They didn't return the call to set up the meeting! Here's your sign.

Truck driver gets his truck stuck under an overpass, with Engvall watching.

Cop: You get your truck stuck?

Engvall: God bless that trucker, without missing a beat, he goes: "Nope, I was deliverin' that overpass and I ran outta gas." Here's your sign.

Engvall pulls his car into a gas station after his tire goes flat.

Attendant: Tire go flat?

Engvall: Nope, I was drivin' along and the other three just swelled right up!

Attendant: Well, the heat'll do that.

Engvall: Here's your sign.

Engvall and his wife are packing up their stuff to move, with a U-Haul sitting in their driveway.

Friend: Y'all movin?

Engvall: Nope, me and the wife just like to pack all our stuff up once or twice a week, see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign.

Engvall and his buddy get of a boat with a big string of bass.

On-looker: You catch all them fish?

Engvall: Nope, talked 'em into givin' up. Here's your sign.

Engvall has an Elk hung on the wall

Neighbor: Did you shoot that thing?

Engvall: Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign.

Engvall is in an office elevator going up.

friend: Excuse me, are these the elevators that go up?

Engvall: No, these are the ones that go side to side. The up ones are down the hall. (to audience) HE WALKED AWAY!

In the lost luggage office in Buffalo

Lost luggage employee: Can I help you?

Engvall: Yes, you lost my luggage.

Employee: [looking directly at Bill] Has your plane landed yet?

Engvall: No, princess. I'm having an out of body experience. I'm just checkin' on it.

In the store, Bill is buying some pants

Clerk: You gonna buy these?

Engvall: Nope, gonna steal 'em. Just wanted you to see them before I walked out of the store. Here's your sign.

Bill and his wife have, for three days, had a cement truck in their yard to re-do their porch

Neighbor: You pouring concrete?

Bill: No, we're making big margaritas. Here's your sign.

A friend bought two cakes for his wife's birthday, with a "3" on one and an "8" on the other.

Store clerk: Oh, do you have twins?

Bill's friend: Yes, ma'am. My wife was in labor for five years.

Jeff's, Larry's, and Ron's Heres Your Sign.

Jeff Foxworthy is having his house repainted and he has a piano in the corner

Painter Is that y'all's piano?

Jeff No, thats our coffee table. It just has buck teeth.

Ron White's son is going on a direct flight from Austin, TX. to Houston, TX. and is talking to the Flight attendant.

Flight attendant Is there going to be someone to pick him up in Houston?

Ron No, I'm going to pin a $20 bill to his collar and wish him the best of luck. Here's Your Sign.

[Larry's grandmother has died at age 104]

Larry: My grandmother just passed away, 104.

Flower store clerk: Ooh, 104? How'd she die?

Larry: How'd she die? She's 104! She wrecked her Harley up here at Bike Week. Here's your sign.

"Here's MY Sign..."

As told in the final section of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour Christmas CD:

Jeff Foxworthy: Tell'em the one you did.

Engvall: Aw, why'd you have to bring that up?

Foxworthy: Come on, share that one with the group.

Engvall: Alright. Well, nobody's immune from this, not even me.

Foxworthy: Not even Brainiac here.

Engvall: I'm in the car park at the mall, and there's this guy with a coat hanger inside his window... and I could not stop myself. I said, "You lock your keys in your car?"

Driver: No, just washed it, gonna hang it up to dry (dumbass). Here's your sign.

At the Engvalls' home

Engvall's son, Travis: I'm going to play you a song from Harry Potter, Dad, on the piano.

Engvall: Oh, the movie?

Travis: No, the book. Here's your sign.

When telling the joke on Blue Collar Tour Rides Again, he stops the son before he says "sign".

On holiday in Hawaii

Engvall: Me and my wife were lying on the beach, and this girl walks by with a coconut bra on - literally, they just take a coconut, cut it in half, put strings on it and they wear it. Looks fine to me. But my wife made me laugh 'cause the girl walked right in front of us...

Bill's wife: Oh My God... d'you think those are real?

Engvall: Well, the way they're jiggling, probably...

Bill's Wife: The COCONUTS!!

Engvall: Here's my Sign.

At the beach

Engvall: My son and his friends were surfing when one of them just wiped out, big time. I was laughing so hard, and he came out of the water, slapping the side of his head, and I could not stop myself. I said, "You get water in your ear?"

Travis' friend: Nope, my eyeball's stuck, trying to get it loose! Here's your-

Engvall: [Stopping him] Ah-ah-ah!

Engvall: Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, "Hey..." (pantomimes hitting his son) "We don't hit". He looked at me like, "Here's your sign, Dad".