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Etiquette in Canada and the United States
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Etiquette rules are not uniform in North America, varying among the very diverse societies which exist in both the United States and Canada. Unlike in cultures with formal class structures, such as nobility and royalty, North American etiquette rules are meant to apply to all.
Canada and the United States share cultural and linguistic heritage originating in Europe, and as such some points of etiquette in Europe apply to both, especially in more formal settings and wherever European culture is strongest.
Among the most prominent writers on etiquette in North America are Letitia Baldrige, Judith Martin, Emily Post, Elizabeth Post, Peggy Post, Gertrude Pringle, and Amy Vanderbilt.
Principles of North American Etiquette
Early North American etiquette books claimed that the manners and customs of the "Best Society" could be imitated by all, although some authors lamented that the lower classes, meaning those "whose experience in life has been a hardening process," in fact treated the rules of etiquette with "contempt and ...
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Encyclopedia
Etiquette rules are not uniform in North America, varying among the very diverse societies which exist in both the United States and Canada. Unlike in cultures with formal class structures, such as nobility and royalty, North American etiquette rules are meant to apply to all.
Canada and the United States share cultural and linguistic heritage originating in Europe, and as such some points of etiquette in Europe apply to both, especially in more formal settings and wherever European culture is strongest.
Among the most prominent writers on etiquette in North America are Letitia Baldrige, Judith Martin, Emily Post, Elizabeth Post, Peggy Post, Gertrude Pringle, and Amy Vanderbilt.
Principles of North American Etiquette
Early North American etiquette books claimed that the manners and customs of the "Best Society" could be imitated by all, although some authors lamented that the lower classes, meaning those "whose experience in life has been a hardening process," in fact treated the rules of etiquette with "contempt and ... a sneer." Current etiquette books do not employ the concept of "best society," but rather define etiquette as a set of guidelines that "help steer our behavior as we move through our daily routines" and that can help deal with "the pressures of modern life [which] make it all the more difficult to stay civil." This change is reflected in the content of etiquette books; etiquette books published in the early 20th century contained detailed advice on the treatment of servants, the conducting of formal dinner parties, and the behavior of a debutante; more modern books are likely to emphasise the importance of respecting people of all classes, races, and ethnic backgrounds. Some books make a further distinction between etiquette and manners:
Etiquette is protocol, rules of behavior that you memorize and that rarely bend to encompass individual concerns and needs. Manners embrace socially acceptable behavior, of course, but also much more than that. They are an expression of how you treat others when you care about them, their self-esteem, and their feelings.
This change in emphasis is sometimes seen as reflective of a society that is less interested in formal etiquette; some etiquette writers argue that etiquette rules, rather than being stuffy or classist, can make life more pleasant, while others call for a return to more firm standards, which, however, need not be the old standards: people may replace "courtesies they consider outmoded with modernized ones." Still others focus only on etiquette as an important factor in business success.
Though etiquette rules may seem arbitrary at times, these are the situations in which a common set of accepted customs help to eliminate awkwardness. Etiquette is not always meant to make others feel at ease or comfortable.
Basic Rules
- The highest tenet of North American etiquette is that it is inappropriate to tell others they are not following proper etiquette, unless 1) they are specifically asking whether they are being rude, or 2) the person is under your instruction, such as is the case with a parent, babysitter, teacher, or supervisor.
- One should never attempt to preemptively excuse themselves from rudeness. "I don't mean to be rude, but..." is never an appropriate beginning to a conversation. "Pardon me for whispering" does not make the whispering acceptable.
- One may use one's unique cultural differences as a reason to be more gracious, not less. For example, saying "Well, most people in my culture don't send thank you notes" is an excuse for convenience, not based on etiquette of either culture--no culture condones being ungrateful.
- When in an extreme situation where someone's rudeness is causing an intolerable issue, one should bring it to the attention of the person in authority, such as a facility's management, or police. If a situation occurs in one's own home, it is appropriate for the host to speak to the person in question (privately if possible), and if necessary one has the option of asking the offending individual to leave, but not to "tell him off."
- Judgments of individuals is of course a personal matter, and it is not incorrect to hold certain beliefs about people. However, these opinions should remain private and should not be shared with others in polite company.
General North American Etiquette Standards
These etiquette topics are relevant in both the United States and Canada and pertain to basic interactions in society.
Bodily Functions
- Blowing one's nose into anything but a tissue or handkerchief, nose and ear picking, farting, burping, coughing, or sneezing without covering one's mouth are all considered disgusting and very rude to do in front of others. If necessary, one should excuse oneself to do so in private.
- Chewing with one's mouth open, slurping or making excessive noise while eating, yawning without covering one's mouth (in some areas) and saying "excuse me," or burping without attempting to muffle the sound are all impolite.
Cultural Distinctions and Identity
- Etiquette permits North Americans to classify themselves in any racial, cultural, or gender identity, sexual orientation, etc. as they choose. One should not be asked to justify such choices in a social setting. Comments such as: "How can you believe you are black when only one of your grandparents is?", "Your parents are Jewish, why aren't you?", etc. are all extremely crass. In non-social settings (professional, for example), these issues are considered completely irrelevant.
- As when encountering any person, it is impolite to assume anything about someone based on his race, including but not limited to: language skills, citizenship, nationality or national origin, family history, education, economic status, social abilities, behavior, beliefs, personal habits, etc., nor should one make comments about ethno-physical traits.
- One should avoid initiating or participating in conversations about race in polite company. Even referring to people with certain terms may be a faux pas for those unaware of their cultural context.
Handshakes and Greetings
- Hand shaking can signal a greeting, farewell, agreement, acknowledgment, respect, encouragement or closure of an arrangement. Handshakes are done with the right hand and should neither be aggressive nor aloof. Avoiding a handshake may indicate a lack of interpersonal skills.
- Avoiding or breaking eye contact in the duration of a handshake can be considered suspicious or even rude behavior.
- In most of the US and Canada, men and women alike shake hands with each other. However, since handshaking is a potential vector for disease, the custom has been waning in certain groups: the medical profession, some sales professions, among members of fitness/health clubs, etc. If a person is ill or his hand is wet, soiled, or sweaty, that person should disclose this to the other party and dispense with the handshake.
- If gloves are being worn indoors, they should be removed before shaking hands. This is especially applicable to men.
- In the Southern US, men may refrain from shaking hands with a woman unless she has first offered hers.
- Among French-speaking Canadians, shaking hands in a casual context is considered slightly unfriendly, especially between genders. Embracing loosely while lightly kissing each other's cheeks is often more appropriate for friends and family. This holds true between women and between men and women. It is not the ordinary custom for greetings between men.
- Men exchanging embraces or kissing on the cheek as a greeting is unusual. Holding hands while walking, as done in some cultures, would have only a romantic connotation in the west.
Hats
- Etiquette considers it impolite for men to wear hats or other head coverings indoors. A hat may be worn in the corridors and elevator of a public building, but the hat should be removed upon entering a room. Men should always remove hats in places of worship, when sitting at a table for a formal meal, while mourning and when a national anthem is playing. This does not apply to head coverings used due to religious beliefs, such as those worn by Sikhs and many orthodox Jewish men.
- A man is exempt from having to remove his hat if suffering from an illness which would cause embarrassment (e.g. a person suffering from hair loss due to cancer therapy).
- Traditionally (until the mid 1960s), Christian women outside of their homes usually wore hats, even while visiting others, and especially in houses of worship. However, this is mostly archaic except for a few much older women who prefer to still observe this tradition. When following these traditional etiquette rules, women should never wear a hat in their own homes while hosting.
Language
- Correcting pronunciation or finishing another's sentence is inappropriate, unless requested. Asking for clarification or repetition of what was being said is acceptable; however, except in very important conversations, excessive or repeated requests for clarification should be avoided--seek alternative methods to communicate or resolve an interaction with someone.
- It is never appropriate to criticize the accent or lack of proficiency of a speaker. One should always be encouraging and respectful of others' attempts to communicate in a language that is not their own, without being patronizing.
- In areas of Canada which are primarily French-speaking, it is considered rude to automatically expect service in English, even in urban areas such as Montreal. One should not expect an English-speaking Canadian to know French well, or vice versa. When initiating a discussion, it is polite to attempt to use the native language of one's interlocutor, or to inform the other person of that you cannot do so. Learning a few phrases such as "Excuse me, but I do not speak English. Do you speak French?", or conversely, "Pardon. Je ne parle pas français. Parlez-vous anglais?" demonstrates sincerity.
- One should not initiate discussion on Anglophone-Francophone relations or Quebec separatism in polite company.
- The United States has no declared official language. While English is spoken by the vast majority of US citizens,it is not universal. In large neighborhoods of some cities, such as New York, Los Angeles, or Miami, and in certain commercial establishments, English is simply not spoken and visitors should be prepared to converse in another language or to be patient with people who have varying abilities in English.
Money
- Although common, discussion of personal wealth, possessions and finances socially is impolite. Asking people about their salary is considered very crass.
- In financial transactions, it is usual to place money neatly in the hand of the receiver, unless a counter for this purpose is present. When giving someone a gratuity, it is best to give the money in the most discreet manner the situation allows.
- Also see the "Gifts" topic.
Pointing and Gestures
- Pointing is considered rude in the west, and therefore one should not point in public as it may not be clear if one is pointing to another person. If it is clear one is pointing to an object, the gesture is acceptable.
- Pointing is offensive in most Native American cultures. Indicating is done with the whole hand instead of a single finger.
Privacy and Personal Space
- It is impolite, especially when first meeting someone, to ask if they are married or dating. Allow people to reveal such information on their own should they so choose.
- It is highly inappropriate to ever ask anyone in a social or professional setting their political or religious affiliations or beliefs.
- Westerners typically like to have about an arm's length of personal space and may be very uncomfortable otherwise. In crowded situations less space is tolerated.
- It is impolite to ask an adult their age, weight, or other personal physical matters. Asking someone's age is only acceptable when they are young children. These are highly personal matters which should not be brought up except with people you are highly familiar with.
- It is appropriate to tell someone that you believe they look well, physically, such as commenting positively on their clothing or a hair cut. However, one should take care to not seem flirtatious, perhaps by giving the compliment in front of a third party.
- It is considered invasive and rude to touch the abdomen of a pregnant woman unless one is first invited to do so. One should also avoid asking a woman if she is pregnant, especially in a non-social setting, no matter how obvious the matter may be. This condition is a highly personal one and is not the business of others.
Smoking
- One should never start smoking in another's home or car without asking first, including on the grounds outside the home.
- Unless in a restaurant or bar that sells them, it is polite to ask the staff if cigars may be smoked, even in the smoking section, as even many smokers find their odor particularly offensive.
- Smoking within a doorway or close proximity to one is considered rude, as non-smokers will have to walk through smoke to enter or exit the building.
- Littering with ashes, butts, matches, empty lighters and packages on sidewalks, streets, landscaping, parking lots, beaches, etc. is extremely rude.
Titles, Honorifics, and forms of Address
- Titles are used with last names to address people in most occasions, except relatives and children. Traditionally, using first names is considered quite familiar and inappropriate, both socially and in the work place. Although it is now common in North America to use first names immediately upon meeting someone ("Hi John, I'm Clara."), it is not correct etiquette. One should address a person as Ms. or Mr. [Lastname] until asked to be addressed using the first name ("Please call me Shirley.")
- Socially, no titles are considered higher than "Mr.", "Ms.", "Mrs." and "Miss". Professional, academic, religious, military and political titles, such as "Judge" "Colonel" "Mayor" "Reverend" "Senator" "Doctor" "Professor" etc., are often used in social situations, but should not when those titles are not applicable. As the United States is in theory an egalitarian society, no one in a social setting should take offense when being referred to with those titles (Mr./Ms./Mrs.Miss). For example, a Reverend attending a social event as a representative of his or her parish would appropriately be addressed as such, but when attending an event of his or her own family or personal friends, it may seem pretentious to insist the title be used.
- The honorifics "sir", "miss" (for very young women) or "ma'am" (regardless of marital status) should be used for a person whose surname is unknown. "Mister" should not be used on its own (as in, "excuse me mister") as it sounds rude or foreign ["Señor" is used as both a title and honorific in Spanish, and the literal translation is often incorrectly assumed to be appropriate in English as well by native Spanish speakers]. "Young lady" or "Young man" should never be used to address anyone except pre-adolescents, as these terms are considered patronizing.
- In the 1960s, the title "Ms." was resurrected as an option to refer to any woman regardless of marital status. (This title, along with "Miss" and "Mrs." originally were all casual abbreviations of the formal and now archaic "Mistress," which now has a negative connotation.) "Ms." is now considered the preferable default title until/unless a preference is later indicated by a woman. The title "Mrs." is used only with the woman's husband's name (both his first and last names). John Doe's wife, "Mrs. Doe," may be correctly referred to as "Mrs. John Doe" or "Ms. Jane Doe," but there is no such person as "Mrs. Jane Doe," but in practice this is often not followed. It is polite to honor any person's personal preference once she makes it known, even if it is not in keeping with traditional etiquette.
- There are complicated rules regarding proper usage of political titles in the etiquette-related field known as protocol.
Etiquette in Private Life
These etiquette topics are relevant in both the United States and Canada and pertain to social interactions, such as with friends and relatives.
Death and Mourning
- First mourning for the immediate family is now considered to be the time between the death and the end of the funeral. During this time, the close relatives should not attend any social engagements, including parties or weddings.
- Dark clothing should be worn when attending a memorial service or funeral. Light-hearted talk is not inappropriate, but joviality is impolite.
- Attendance at a viewing, funeral, memorial service, or wake is the usual method of expressing grief for oneself and to the close relatives of the deceased. In addition, letters of condolence should be sent to the nearest family member(s), and a brief, prearranged visit to the family in the weeks following are appropriate. If attendance at a funeral is not possible due to extreme personal commitments or distance, these additional methods of mourning are even more important.
- Family members may request that no flowers be sent, or that memorial donations may be made to a certain charity in lieu thereof. As the bereaved is not making the request himself, this is not considered inappropriate, as it would be with any other gift-giving situation. Another common and appropriate recognition of mourning to the bereaved's immediate family is food brought by neighbors or more distant relatives.
- During the weeks following a death, family members must send thank you letters in reply to condolence letters, gifts of flowers, food, or donations.
- Sending flowers to Jewish families in mourning may be taken as an inappropriate gesture; fruit is traditional. As the funeral is held within one or two days in the Jewish tradition, the period of first mourning continues for one week thereafter, known as "shiva."
Gifts (Entitlement to)
Perhaps the single largest cause of etiquette errors in the west is due to the continued rising expectations of gifts. This mentality of entitlement to gifts is completely contrary to basic western etiquette and has led to many etiquette myths and rude behavior. While gifts are common in some situations, they are never to be expected by anyone for any reason. All gifts must be looked upon as unexpected, accepted graciously and enthusiastically, and thanks should be sent promptly.
- Faux Pas: The feeling of entitlement has led to many common though incorrect practices, such as:
- Asking for the receipt when receiving a gift,
- Giving gift registry information to those who have not asked for it,
- Inviting people to wedding showers who will not be invited to the wedding,
- Requesting that gifts be "cash only", or preemptively stating "No gifts, please."
- Looking upon gifts or offers of gifts as "transferable" or "liquidatable."
Accepting, Rejecting, and Using Gifts:
- The correct response to a gift is "Thank you," or "How thoughtful." As gifts are not expected, negative judgments of any sort are inappropriate. The following are incorrect responses:
- "I already have one."; "Do you have the receipt?"; "I'd like to return/exchange it for something else."; "It's not really my taste."; "Does it come in a different color?"; "I know someone who could use this."; "I like it because it's from you."
- It may be appropriate to suggest you would like to exchange a clothing item for a different size, but more gracious to do so without involving the giver.
- One exception to accepting gifts graciously is when a gift has an expectation associated with it, i.e., strings attached. The classic example is a young woman refusing to accept expensive jewelry from a much older married man. One has no obligation to accept the "gift" of a puppy if one does not want it, as such a gift is a huge commitment and financial burden and can rightly be rejected (politely). Gifts which are meant to be insulting or are highly inappropriate may as well be returned to the giver. For example, giving a leather jacket to someone you know is a stringent vegan or animal rights activist.
- As a gift has no strings attached, the recipient has a right to do what he wants with it, including disposing of it, selling it, or "regifting." These should be done without the original giver's awareness. Similarly, a giver should never inquire about a gift later on, as this may embarrass the recipient.
Expecting and Selecting Gifts
- Gifts are commonly presented to children at birthday parties, and to the honoree at baby showers and wedding showers, such that there is an expectation at these events of gifts from guests. For this reason, these are also the only events where party favors for guests are to be expected, and why relatives should not host showers for which non-relatives will be invited. Past age 10, gifts should not be expected at birthday celebrations.
- When attending a personal or religious event, such as a birthday, wedding, shower, bar mitzvah, etc., one is supposedly sharing the celebration of a rather personal occasion. For this reason, etiquette considers the common gifts of cash, checks, and gift cards improper. One should know the honoree well enough to purchase something you believe he or she will find enjoyable. Donations "in your name" are not acceptable as the gift is not to the person (this does not apply to funerals.) If one does not really know the individual personally, the attendance at the personal event should be reexamined. Cash gifts are acceptable only for a person one supposedly does not know personally, but to whom one still wishes to give a gift, such as an employee, newspaper carrier, doorman, or delivery person.
Thanks for Gifts (See also "Thank You Notes" section)
- The recipient must thank the giver promptly for all non-trivial gifts, in writing, as soon as possible after receiving the gift, preferrably within two weeks at a maximum. The gift in question should be named in the letter. Wedding gifts are not excepted from this rule, though there are common misconceptions that waiting for matching cards, photographs, or for the ceremony to pass are reasons to delay thanking people. (See "Weddings" section.)
Invitations
- Hospitality requires that if extending an invitation as a host(ess), said host must provide for all the guest's needs, and cannot attach "strings" to the invitation. A guest is expected only to provide his own transportation, lodging, and to dress appropriately. A host cannot expect the guest to bring something, or even worse, to pay for part of the event or function, such as a portion a birthday honoree's meal.
- A person making arrangements for a covered-dish meal (a.k.a. "potluck")--or some other type of function in which one is not actually hosting--must tell those agreeing to attend up front what is expected from them, without pretending to be "hosting." Expected gifts, jobs, or funds must be made clear when such an invitation is issued, not after it has been accepted. If an invited person is later told funds, goods, or services are expected, it is not impolite to reply that he has decided not to attend the function after all, as the original premise of the invitation was altered.
- Guests cannot be expected to dress appropriately unless the host has told them what type of dress is expected. (See section on weddings for details on standard North American attire).
- Etiquette does not allow any suggestion that gifts are, or even could have been, expected at a hosted event. Thus the prohibition of gift registry information, suggestions, or "No gifts, please" statements on or accompanying invitations. If a guest inquires himself, such things may only then be brought up by the host.
- An invitation is meant only for the people to whom it is addressed. "Mr. and Mrs. Jones" does not mean "Mr. and Mrs. Jones and any of their relatives they may wish to bring." If wishing to invite additional family members, the host should not add "... and Family." Instead, be specific rather than have the invitees guess what exactly this means.
- Invitations for mixed social events, such as parties, weddings, etc., must be extended to the established significant others of any invitees, such as spouses, fiancés, or long time or live-in boy/girlfriends. If not living together, the host may inquire as to the partner's full name and address and send a separate invitation for formal occasions. If a person's socially established partner has not been invited, etiquette allows him or her to politely request that the host do so.
- Persons without socially established partners may not request to bring a guest, nor is a host expected to invite singles to bring a date (i.e., "[Invitee] and Guest").
- Individuals may decline or accept invitations extended to multiple persons. For example, a woman may accept an invitation extended to her entire family, even if the husband and children must send regrets (all in the same letter to the host).
- When receiving an invitation, you are obliged to respond in kind as soon as possible. This means if you receive the invitation by phone, reply by phone, etc. One must accept or decline even if "RSVP" is not specified.
- Accepting an invitation is making a commitment. If you cannot be sure you can keep the obligation, simply decline the invitation. "Maybe" is not an acceptable response, as it insinuates you would like to accept, but want to keep your options open in case "something better" comes along.
- One can never cancel once one has offered or accepted hospitality. Traditionally, the only reasons considered acceptable were 1) illness, 2) death in the immediate family, and 3) an intervening social invitation from the President (in the U.S.). As etiquette no longer applies only to those in high society, an extremely important work obligation which intervenes is also an acceptable reason. In any case of cancellation, notification to the host or guest must be immediate, with profuse apologies.
Meals
See also American Table Manners
- It is polite to avoid eating before others are ready to begin, and is impolite to eat in front of others outside of a mealtime. Typically all wait for the host to begin. In a situation such as a large banquet table or a restaurant where the servers have failed to bring all food to the table at the same time, it is gracious to insist that others begin eating while their meals are still warm. This is not a proper situation to begin with as all people at a table should be served at the same time, whether in a home or commercial establishment.
- People should excuse themselves from the table when leaving temporarily. The details are not necessary, as one is often going to the restroom, which is not appropriate meal time conversation. "Excuse me, I'll be right back" is fine.
- A guest may always simply say, "No, thank you," when offered food he does not wish to eat. Hosts must never press guests to consume food they have turned down.
- Hosts are not expected to cook special meals for guests with dietary restrictions, whether medical, religious or ethical, but should do so for family members. A guest may discreetly inform a host he is rather familiar with or related to that he cannot consume certain dishes, preferably when accepting the invitation.
- It is extremely rude to make comments about food choices while eating (e.g. asking someone who has ordered all vegetarian dishes, "What's wrong with you, don't you eat meat?", a vegetarian asking others, "Don't you think it's cruel to eat animals?", saying to a person keeping kosher, "You just don't know what you're missing with this ham," or asking a diabetic "How can you stand not eating sugar?")
Thank You Notes
- Thanks may be offered for any situation. A thank you note is not required for all situations, but is never incorrect if sincere.
- Thank you letters are required for all non-trivial gifts, should mention the gift, and must be sent promptly in all cases, usually within two weeks at a maximum (see "Gifts" section for further details regarding funerals and weddings). Though pre-printed thank you cards are commonly used, handwritten letters are more proper. In a business context, a typed letter is expected, to be signed by hand.
- In addition to the thank you note, a gift may be sent as part of the thanks. Since a gift is given, this would require another thank you note in turn from the original gift-giver. However, receiving a thank you note alone does not require another thank you note in reply (though sending one is not incorrect).
- If you receive a cash gift, it is polite when thanking the giver to indicate what you purchased with it. In situations where the recipient may have received a large number of cash gifts at once, commonly at many weddings, bar mitzvahs, or first communions, the recipient cannot be expected to go on a shopping spree in time to send thanks, and it is therefore acceptable to simply thank people for their "generous gift(s)." (Note that while common, cash gifts are usually not appropriate. See the "gifts" section.)
Visiting Homes / Receiving Guests
- When a guest receives an invitation to someone's home, it is common but not necessary for the guest to ask, "Could I bring anything?" If the host declines, the guest should not insist, as this insinuates that the host is unable to provide adequate hospitality, especially for more formal situations such as dinner parties. Hosts accepting such offers should be clear, but not demanding; if one doesn't think the guest will be able to provide the correct item, politely decline the offer.
- It is polite to announce your presence when arriving at an informal occasion, such as a backyard barbecue, or if dropping by unexpectedly, although the latter is a faux pas unless the host has previously indicated that such visits are welcome.
- When visiting someone's home it is not necessary but permissible to bring a host(ess) gift, such as sweets, a toy for the children, a beverage to be shared, flowers, etc. The purpose of such gifts is recognition of the hospitality, not as a payment for it. However, if you have been received multiple times in another's home, you should reciprocate, by inviting the hosts to your home, a restaurant, or another appropriate place.
- Guests wishing to give flowers should consider sending them earlier in the day or the day before a dinner party rather than bring them just as the hostess is busy with last minute dinner preparations. A host might keep a vase with water aside if suspecting flowers will be brought by guests.
- A guest may offer to help a host, and it is more appropriate in more familiar situations. The host should turn down help offered by people he is less familiar with. Judith Martin states: "A good guest offers to help but does not insist if the offer is firmly refused. A good host never requests help and offers mild resistance if it is wanted, but firm resistance if it is not."
Bringing and Serving Food
- Bringing elaborate food items to a meal as a gift, such as roast beef or lasagna, obviously meant to be served immediately, is impolite as it implies that the host may not be providing enjoyable food. Such a dish may be welcome at times, but the guest should inquire in advance.
- As all gifts, including food, should never have expectations attached to them, a host should always feel he is able to put them aside for another time rather than serve them right away. If one insists on bringing food as a host gift, items such as wine, coffee cake, pie, or nuts are appropriate as they can be put aside. The host may reply, "Thank you. I'll look forward to enjoying this."
- Non-related guests should not bring up dietary restrictions unless first asked by the host. If worried there will be little food which one could eat, one should eat something before the visit, or decline the invitation if necessary. Relatives may discuss special dietary needs with the host, preferably when accepting the invitation, not when sitting down to the meal.
- For meals, hosts should not delay the food for more than half an hour past the invited time. Offering appetizers is a must if the meal will be served later. Likewise, guests should not be "fashionably late" when invited for meals. Drinks (water at a minimum) should be offered within ten minutes of a guest's arrival regardless of the time of day or occasion. Hosts should not be expected to hold up meals for tardy guests, especially when other guests are waiting to eat.
- A guest should have the opportunity to say, "No, thank you," before food is put on his plate. If serving food personally rather than passing it around, the polite host first asks, "Would you like some [habanero and spider goulash, etc.]?" Not doing so might put a guest in the uncomfortable position of having food on his plate which he has no desire to eat, due to his tastes, appetite, or dietary restrictions.
Weddings
Weddings are often an occasion for particular concern about etiquette, and for some the only time when etiquette becomes a concern. In general, etiquette writers state that a wedding should be one more occasion for the exercise of thoughtfulness towards others, and thus a wedding is not, as is often said, "my special day," "her day," or "their day," but an event to be enjoyed by all invited to be present. In keeping with this expectation, etiquette writers make a number of prescriptions regarding the conduct of weddings and wedding planning.
Wedding Planning
Etiquette writers agree that the first step in planning a wedding should be selecting the guest list, not deciding on the type of wedding to be held. This is because others should a priority, not one's desires or fantasies. Traditionally, "the guest list was divided equally between the bride's and the groom's families and friends, but this is no longer considered necessary."
Likewise, etiquette writers prescribe that the selection of a bridal party should be based on interpersonal closeness to the bride or to the groom. In the past, women were most likely to choose female attendants, and vice versa, but "friendship [should be] the chief factor, not gender" in selecting attendants. A bridal party is not a "chorus line," in Judith Martin's words, and therefore the bridal party need not consist of an equal number of bridesmaids and groomsmen. Terms such as "man of honor," "bridesmen," "groomswomen," and "best woman" may be used.
Guests should not be expected to wait for an extended period of time between the ceremony and reception, and should be fed a meal if the reception and/or ceremony is during normal meal times. However, while hosts must supply beverages of some sort, they are considered under no obligation to provide alcohol. Those who do so are obliged to provide neither unlimited nor specific types of alcohol. Cash bars are considered inappropriate by etiquette writers, on the grounds that it is inappropriate to ask guests to pay for anything and because "true hospitality shares what it has. It does not attempt to give what it has not." While common in the reception room, a cash bar indicates that the host believes the guests should have access to drinks, but is not willing to pay for them. Judith Martin suggests that if one cannot afford to serve liquor at the reception, "...serve tea or punch. If you can't afford that, serve water. But serve it graciously."
Paying for the Wedding
Traditionally, the bride's parents paid for the wedding. Emily Post called it an "unalterable rule" that the wedding be given always by the bride's parents, never by the groom or his parents. Others believe that while this was traditionally the custom, it was simply a voluntary gesture of the bride's parents. Today, "[t]he days when the bride's parents were expected to bear all the expenses of the wedding and reception are over."
Invitations
Invitations are often a subject of much controversy. The chief matters on which opinions differ and on which etiquette writers pronounce are: the wording of the invitation, the printing of the invitation, and the propriety of enclosures in the invitation, including reply cards.
Wording
Traditional wedding invitations follow the traditional forms for formal or informal invitations. Emily Post's Etiquette gives examples of the traditional forms; grand-daughter Peggy Post provides updated examples of the forms in Etiquette (17th edition) that take into account the fact that divorce and remarriage is now more common, as well as marriage between same-sex partners.
Generally, etiquette writers consider it incorrect to include any mention of gift registries or to make prohibitive or prescriptive statements on the invitation, such as "No children" or "No gifts."
Printing
Invitations may properly be hand-written but are most often engraved or printed. Traditionally, invitations were engraved; they are now more commonly printed. Printing may mimic engraving, but this is considered less appropriate than "frank and honest" printing or handwriting.
Engraved invitations are shipped with protective tissue paper over each invitation to prevent wet ink from smudging. Many printed invitations include tissue paper as well, to imitate engraved invitations. While it is common to preserve the tissue paper and send it with the invitations, etiquette authorities consider it unnecessary and a form of bragging.
Enclosures
Etiquette authorities differ on what enclosures may be properly included with a wedding invitation.
- Reply cards may be included, although they need not be. Judith Martin calls response cards "vulgar", as they imply that guests will be too rude to reply without having their response paid for by their host.
- Maps, directions, and other information for travelers may be included, according to Peggy Post, but not according to Judith Martin, who states that such enclosures should be mailed separately to the appropriate people, rather than saving additional postage.
- At-home cards may be included. Traditionally they announced the bride and groom's new address; they are now more likely to be used to announce the bride and groom's choice of surnames.
Attire
Bride and Groom
The bride may wear any color, although since the 19th century first-time brides have traditionally worn white. While the bride often wears a long gown and the groom a suit or tuxedo, some etiquette writers prescribe different types of dress depending on the time of day and the formality of the occasion.
The Wedding Party and Guests
According to etiquette writers, men in the bridal party should be dressed exactly like the groom (with the exception of the flowers in their buttonholes); the women, while their attire should match the bride's in formality, need not wear matching dresses or colors.
Black has become common for wedding parties. Etiquette writers differ in their opinions on this trend. Peggy Post writes that "[v]irtually all colors are acceptable today, including black and shades of white." Others, such as Judith Martin, argue that in North American culture "black symbolizes death....[A] great many people are still shocked to see it at weddings, even on guests, because it gives them tragic associations."
The time of day and type of invitation are considered to prescribe the level of formality of guests' attire.
Guests
Guests are expected to provide their own transportation, lodging, and attire. While gifts are customarily given, they are not to be expected by the recipient. Guests are under no obligation to spend a particular amount of money - enough to cover the supposed cost of their meal, for example - or to buy a particular gift, from a gift registry, for instance. Authorities differ on when a gift should be given; some say that guests have up to a year to give a gift, while others state that a gift should be given before or as soon after the wedding as possible.
Guests should not expect to receive party favors; however, some authorities consider it improper for hosts to place cards on tables stating that they have made a charitable donation "in lieu of favors" as this is invoking charity as an excuse for sidestepping proper behavior.
Money Dances
Though common in some circles, asking guests "where their envelope is," wishing wells, and money dances are considered vulgar by North American etiquette authorities, as they are blatant indications that cash gifts are expected from the guests. A wedding party member who is given an envelope by a guest should briefly thank the guest and discreetly put it away. Any guest being asked for such an item should politely state that he or she has already arranged for a gift.
Etiquette During Public Interactions
These etiquette topics are relevant in both the United States and Canada and pertain to dealings with people in public.
Doorways
- It is polite to hold a door open (or give it an extra push open) rather than let it slam in the face of someone behind you. If someone opens or holds a door open for you, it is polite to thank them.
- It is polite to step aside and wait for people exiting an elevator car, subway, train, bus, etc. before boarding. If exiting in such a situation and people are blocking your way, a loud and clear "Excuse me, please" is appropriate.
Restaurants
- As servers should ask diners frequently if diners need anything, it is mildly rude in a formal restaurant to make gestures to request service. Polite North Americans often wait silently for service if the wait staff is breaching etiquette. It is less improper in non-western style and/or informal establishments to contact the waiter by making eye contact, nodding the head, or holding up the index finger. If necessary, "Excuse me..." or saying the waiter's name is appropriate if said politely. If waitstaff continues to ignore you, speak to management rather than walk to the inattentive waiter.
- Waitstaff should not offer to place a customer's napkin on his lap. This is not "formal" dining and was never correct etiquette.
- Diners may thank and speak to servers, but need not if engaged in conversation.
See also "Table manners" article.
Seating
- If seating is limited in public transportation or waiting areas, it is polite for people in good health to offer their seats to the elderly, disabled, people with infants, and pregnant women. It is impolite to assume someone is in good health and to ask them to give up a seat, or to chastise them for not having offered. A young person who appears healthy may, for example, have an orthopedic problem and may need the seat more than a healthy 75-year-old.
- Gentlemen are not required to offer their seats to women (other than the elderly, frail, or pregnant) as that practice may be considered sexist, and appear flirtatious.
- When enough seats are available (such as at a movie theater, uncrowded bus, park bench, or waiting room), strangers should sit at least one seat apart.
- In a formal social setting, gentlemen should stand when a female approaches a table to sit, or excuses herself from it. This is not necessary at a very large table in which not all people are involved in the same conversation, at informal meals, and should be avoided in professional settings as it appears sexist.
Tipping (Gratuities)
- Tipping is done only by the host of a party. Guests should never leave tips as this breaches the host's hospitality. This applies to bar service at weddings and any other party where one is a guest as well. The host should provide tips to those workers at the end of the event.
- In the past, it was considered insulting to offer tips to the owner of an establishment, but this custom has mostly vanished.
- Many restaurant servers in the US and Canada receive the majority of their income from tips and the customary gratuity is between 15% and 20% of the non-tax total of the bill. For further details on tipping standards in North America, see "Tipping" article.
- If one receives very poor food service, it is best to speak to the management so that the problem may be resolved. It is permissible in an extreme situation to not tip. Insulting the waiter by leaving a penny on the table as the "tip" is rude and does nothing to address the poor service.
Worker Interactions
- Workers such as waiters, store employees, receptionists, and government employees, should be spoken to with civilities such as "please" and "thank you." An arrogant attitude, such as one used in dealing with servants generations ago, is not acceptable. Snapping fingers, calling out loudly, waving money, or whistling for an employee's attention are unacceptable. Rather, one may say, "Excuse me," or wave after making eye contact.
- Civilities by clerks are sometimes used so effusively that they can lose their sincerity or desired effect. Such terms as, "Thank you very much," should be used only when sincerely meant, rather than out of habit. Less frequent usage of such civilities in the eastern U.S. may cause them to seem brusque to customers from the midwest, while profuse but less than ecstatic such civilities may seem insincere to those visiting the midwest from the east, or from Canada.
- While clerks and customers often address each other with terms such as: hon, dear, sweetie, darling, doll, honey, etc. (particularly in the American South), these are not proper forms of address and appear patronizing, condescending, and unprofessional to many. Proper terms are "Sir" or "Ma'am," or, if the name is known, Mr./Mrs./Miss/Ms. [Lastname].
See also
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