The Royal Tenenbaums Quotations

The Royal Tenenbaums is a 2001 film about a family of former child prodigies that reunites when their estranged father announces he has a terminal illness.

Directed by Wes Anderson. Written by Wes Anderson and Owen Wilson

Family isn't a word. It's a sentence. Taglines

Royal Tenenbaum

This is my adopted daughter, Margot Tenenbaum.

I'm sorry for your loss. Your mother was a terribly attractive woman.

That's a hell of a damn grave. I wish it were mine.

Goddammit, that's the last time you stick a knife in me! You hear me?

I'm not talking about dance lessons. I'm talking about putting a brick through the other guy's windshield. I'm talking about taking it out and chopping it up.

I didn't think so much of him at first, but now I get it. He's everything I'm not.

Anybody interested in grabbing a couple of burgers and hittin' the cemetery?

Oh, that's right. We got another body buried here.

You wanna talk some jive? I'll talk some jive. I'll talk some jive like you've never heard!

He looks pretty good for a suicide. Attempted, anyway.

Where's my javelina?

He's got them in there crunching numbers!

What about Sing-Sang? I owe her a hundred.

You're turning me into a damn hobo!

I finally want to meet them.

I know you Asshole!

C'mon, Lets shag ass!

[After being asked how he is] Not too well, I'm dying.
You're true blue, Ethel. You really are.

Etheline Tenenbaum

I don't understand. Did you pack your bags before you got locked out?

To tell you the truth, I haven't slept with a man in eighteen years.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?!

Raleigh tells me you've been spending six hours a day locked up in here, watching television and soaking in the tub.

You're a bastard, Royal.

Write yourself a check.

Margot Tenenbaum

I couldn't even begin to think about knowing how to answer that question.

I think we're just going to have to be secretly in love with each other and leave it at that, Richie.

I'm adopted, did you know that? I ran away to find my real family when I was fourteen. They live in Indiana.

Richie Tenenbaum

I'm going to kill myself tomorrow.

Read it back to me, Pietro.

New paragraph.

What do you think we should do? Find the guy..get him?

Do you copy Anonymous?!

Of course it's dark. It's a suicide note.

Go, Mordecai!

Chas Tenenbaum

He also stole bonds out of my safety deposit box when I was fourteen.

[after the fire drill] Four minutes, forty-eight seconds. We're all dead. Burned to a crisp.

Please don't come in this room.

Uzi! Look alive!

Eli Cash

You're in love with Richie. Which is sick and gross.

She's married, you know. And she's your sister.

Why would a reviewer make the point of saying someone's not a genius? Do you especially think I'm not a genius? . . . You didn't even have to think about it, did you?

[immediately after wrecking his car] Where's my shoe?

Well, everyone knows Custer died at Little Bighorn. What this book presupposes is... maybe he didn't?

[reading part of his newest novel at a press conference] The crickets and the rust-beetles scuttled among the nettles of the sage thicket. "Vámonos, amigos," he whispered, and threw the busted leather flintcraw over the loose weave of the saddlecock. And they rode on in the friscalating dusklight.

[while running away from an intervention] Skiddly, skiddly!

[speaking to Margot] I'm not in love with you any more.

Mar: I didn't think you ever were.

Eli: Let's not make this harder than it already is.

Mar: OK.

Eli: OK what?

Mar: OK, I'm not in love with you any more either.

Eli: I know. You're in love with Richie, which is sick and gross.

Mar: Do you send my mother your clippings? And your grades in ---

Eli: Please stop belittling me. You never gave me the time of day until I started getting good reviews.

Mar: The reviews aren't that good.

Eli: But the sales are.

Others

Tex Hayward: He's taken off his shoes and one of his socks and...actually, I think he's crying.

Pagoda: He got the cancer.

Raleigh: [after reading a private investigator's research on Margot background, which includes being adopted, a previous marriage, several one-night stands with other men, and a lesbian affair] So, she smokes.

Dudley Heinsbergen: You wanna play some word games, or do some experiments on me or anything?

Royal Tenenbaum's epitaph: Royal O'Reilly Tenenbaum (1932-2001) Died Tragically Rescuing His Family From The Remains Of A Destroyed Sinking Battleship

Fan Hey Baumer, can I get a picture?

Narrator He had his old escort meet him by way of the Green Line bus, the one from his days on the circuit. As always, she was late.

Narrator Royal Tenenbaum bought the house on Archer Avenue in the winter of his thirty fifth year.
Dudley Heinsbergen: That cab has a dent in it.

Dialogue

Raleigh: You have a visitor, my darling.

Margot: Margot answers without opening the door: Who is it?.

Etheline: It's me sweetie.

[Silence. A key slides from under the door to Etheline’s feet. Etheline looks to Raleigh. Raleigh looks embarrassed.

INT. BATHROOM. DAY.

Margot is in the bathtub watching Planet of the Apes on her little black-and-white television set. Etheline sits on the edge of the tub with her coat in her lap.]

Etheline: Raleigh says you’ve been spending six hours a day locked up in here watching television and soaking in the tub.

Margot: (pause) I doubt that.

Etheline: Well, I don’t think that’s very healthy, do you? Nor do I think it’s very intelligent to keep an electric gadget on the edge of the bathtub.

Margot: I tied it to the radiator.

[Etheline examines the television set. There is a length of red twine wrapped around it and knotted to a pipe.]

Etheline: Well, it can’t be very good for your eyes.

[Margot turns off the television set with her foot. She looks to Etheline. Etheline smooths back Margot’s wet hair.]

Etheline: Chas came home.

Margot: (pause) What do you mean?

Etheline: He and Ari and Uzi are gonna stay with me for a little while.

Margot: (frowns) Why are they allowed to do that?

Etheline: (hesitates) Well, I don’t know exactly, but I think he’s been very depressed.

Margot: (urgently) So am I.

Etheline: (pause) So are you what?

Richie: I have to tell you something.

Margot: What’s that?

Richie: I love you.

Margot: I love you, too.

Richie: I can’t stop thinking about you. I went away for a year and it only got worse and I don’t know what to do.

Margot: Why'd you do it? Because of me?

Richie: Yeah. But it's not your fault.

Eli: I always wanted to be a Tenenbaum.

Royal: Me too, me too.

[Chas Tenenbaum and his sons enter his mother's house with several bags]

Ethel: Chas? What's going on?

Chas: We got locked out of our apartment.

Ethel: Well, did you call a locksmith?

Chas: Uh huh.

Ethel: Well, I don't understand. Did you pack your bags BEFORE you got locked out?

Chas: It's not safe there.

Ethel: What are you talking about?

Chas: The apartment. I have to get some new sprinklers and a back-up security system installed.

Ethel: But there are no sprinklers here either.

Chas: We might have to do something about that too.

Tennis Announcer 1 (Jim): That's 72 unforced errors for Richie Tenebaum. He's playing the worst tennis of his life. What's he feeling right now, Tex Haywood?

Tennis Announcer 2 (Tex Haywood): I don't know, Jim. There's obviously something wrong with him. He's taken off his shoes and one of his socks and... actually, I think he's crying.

Royal: Everyone's against me.

Pagoda: It's your fault, man.

Royal: I know, but dammit, I want this family to love me. How much money you got?

Pagoda: I don't have.

Royal: What? You're Broke? You gotta be kidding me! How are we gonna pay for this room?

[Pagoda shrugs]

Royal: Alright, I'll think of something.

Raleigh: [Into tape recorder, softly] Dudley suffers from a rare disorder combining symptoms of amnesia, dyslexia, and color-blindness, with a highly acute sense of hearing.

Dudley: [from adjoining room] I'm not colorblind, am I?

Raleigh: [softly]I'm afraid you are.

Raleigh: You made a cuckold of me.

Margot: I know.

Raleigh: Many times over.

Margot: I'm sorry.

[Royal is playing a B-B gun fight with young Chas, Richie and Eli]

Royal:[From a rooftop] Hold it right there, Chassie! Don't move.

Young Chas: What are you doing? I'm on your team!

Royal:[Chuckles] There are no teams![Royal shoots a B-B into Chas' hand.]

Dudley: This car has a dent in it! And another dent here, and another dent here...

Royal: Which one are you?

Ari: Ari

Royal: Uzi, I'm your grandfather.

Royal: He's got them locked up in there, crunching numbers! Boys need to be out and scrapping and mixing it up!

Etheline: I think that's terrible advice.

Royal: No you don't.

Eli: I need help...

Chas: Me, too.

Raleigh St. Clair: You don't love me anymore, do you?

Margot Tenenbaum: I do, kind of. I can't explain it right now.

Raleigh: Are you ever coming home?

Margot: Maybe not.

Raleigh: Well, I wanna die.

Richie Tenenbaum: Read it back to me so far, Pietro.

Radio Operator: Dear Eli, I'm in the middle of the ocean, I haven't left my room in four days, I've never been more lonely in my life and I think I'm in love with Margot.

Richie Tenenbaum: New paragraph.

Eli: I wish you'd've done this for me when I was a kid.

Richie: But you didn't have a drug problem then.

Eli: Yeah, but it still would've meant a lot to me.

Chas Tenenbaum: You know, Rachel's buried there too.

Royal Tenenbaum: Who?

Chas Tenenbaum: My wife.

Royal Tenenbaum: Oh. That's right, isn't it? Well, we'll have to swing by her grave too.

Richie Tenenbaum: You dropped some cigarettes.

Margot Tenenbaum: Those aren't mine.

Richie Tenenbaum: They just fell out of your pocket.

Raleigh St. Clair: Richie I know you are terribly close to Margo and probably understand her better than anyone.

Raleigh St. Clair: May I confide in you?

Richie Tenenbaum: Ok.

Raleigh St. Clair: I believe she's having an affair.

Raleigh St. Clair: I'm literally devistated

Raleigh St. Clair: I .. Don't know where else to turn

Raleigh St. Clair: Will you advise me?

Richie Tenenbaum: .. I don't know. What do you want to do?

Raleigh St. Clair: I don't know ... perhaps I..

Richie Tenenbaum: Find the guy and get him?

Raleigh St. Clair: Well no ... I thought we could ..

Richie Tenenbaum: [punch through glass door, elbow wooden cage and crawl out of cage panting heavily]

Richie Tenenbaum: Who do you think it might be?

Raleigh St. Clair: I don't know at the moment.

Peter Bradley: [Eli is on drugs while being interviewed on television] Now, your previous novel...

Eli: Yes, Wildcat.

Peter Bradley: Not a success. Why?

Eli: Well... Wildcat was written in a kind of obselete vernacular...

[long pause]

Eli: ... wildcat... wild... cat...

[he stares into space]

Eli: ... pow... wildcat... I'm going to go.

Richie: Did you say you were on Mescaline?

Eli: I did indeed. Very much so.\

Richie: How often do you-

Eli: I'm worried about you, Richie. I found it odd when you said you were in love with Margot. She's married, you know.

Richie: Mm hm.

Eli: And she's your sister.

Richie: Adopted.

Eli: Mm.

Eli: I'm not in love with you any more.

Margot: I didn't ever know that you were.

Eli: Let's not make this any more difficult than it already is.

Eli: How's Richie?

Margot: I don't know. I can't tell.

Eli: Yeah, me neither. He wrote me a letter. He says he's in love with you.

Margot: What are you talking about?

Eli: That's what he said. I don't know how we're supposed to take it.

Eli: I'm very sorry, Margot.

Margot: It's okay. We're not actually related anyway.

Eli: True.

Eli: You never even gave me the time of day till I started getting good reviews.

Margot: Your reviews weren't that good.

Eli: But the sales are.

Richie: Did you tell Margot about that letter I wrote to you?

Eli: Why? Did she mention it? Yes, I did. Why would she repeat that?

Richie: I would ask you the same question.

Eli: What'd you say?

Richie: Hmm? I didn't say anything.

Eli: When? Right now?

Eli: I did find it odd when you said you were in love with her. She's married you know.

Richie: Yeah.

Eli: And she's your sister.

Richie: Adopted.

Royal: I'm dying, baby. I'm sick as a dog. I'll be dead in six weeks. I'm dying.

Ethel: What are you talking about? What happened? Oh, my God. I'm sorry. I didn't know. What'd they say? What's the prognosis?

Royal: Take it easy, Ethel. Hold on. Hold on.

Ethel: Where's the doctor? Let's get -

Royal: Wait a second. Listen. I'm not dying. But I need some time. A month. Maybe two. I want us to -

Ethel: What's wrong with you?

Royal: Ethel.

Ethel: Go away!

Royal: Baby. I am dying.

Ethel: Are you or aren't you?

Royal: Dying? Yes.

Royal: I got a pretty bad case of cancer.

Chas: [yawns] How long you gonna last?

Royal: Not long.

Chas: A month? A year?

Royal: About six weeks. Let me get to the point, the three of you and your mother are all I've got and I love you more than anything.

[Chas scoffs and mock laughs] Oh ho! Ho ho!

Royal: Chas, let me finish here! I've got six weeks to set things right with you and I aim to do it. Will you give me a chance?

Chas: No.

Royal: Do you speak for everyone?

Chas: I speak for myself.

Royal: Well you've had your say, now it's someone else's turn.

Young Chas Tenenbaum: [about Margot's play] What'd you think, Dad?

Royal: Didn't seem believable to me.

Royal: [to Eli] Why are you wearing pajamas? Do you live here?

Young Richie Tenenbaum: He has permission to sleep over.

Young Chas Tenenbaum: Well, did you at least think the characters were well developed?

Royal: What characters? It's just a bunch of little kids dressed up in animal costumes.

Young Margot Tenenbaum: Good night, everyone.

Royal: Well, sweetie, don't get mad at me. That's just one man's opinion.

[Royal tells his children of his impending divorce]

Richie: Is it because of us?

Royal: Well, of course, certain sacrifices had to be made as a result of having children. But lord, no.

Uzi Tenenbaum: Who's your father?

Chas: His name is Royal Tenenbaum.

Ari: You told us he was already dead.

Chas: Yeah, well now he's really dying.

Royal: [motions to Pagoda] He saved my life, you know. Thirty years ago. I was knifed at a bazaar in Calcutta, and he carried me to the hospital on his back.

Ari: Who stabbed you?

Royal: [motions to Pagoda again] He did. There was a price on my head, and he was a hired assassin. Stuck me in the gut with a shiv...

Royal: Are you trying to steal my woman?

Henry Sherman: I beg your pardon?

Royal: You heard me, Coltrane.

Henry Sherman: "Coltrane"?

Royal: What?

Henry Sherman: Did you just call me Coltrane?

Royal: No.

Henry Sherman: You didn't?

Royal: No.

Henry Sherman: Okay...

Royal: I've always been considered an asshole for about as long as I can remember. That's just my style. But I'd really feel blue if I didn't think you were going to forgive me.

Henry Sherman: I don't think you're an asshole, Royal. I just think you're kind of a son of a bitch.

Royal: Well, I really appreciate that.

Chas: Please! Mr. Sherman, this is a family matter.

Margot: Don't talk to him like that.

Henry Sherman: Call me Henry.

Chas: I prefer Mr. Sherman.

Ethel: Call him Henry.

Chas: Why? I don't know him that well.

Ethel: You've known him for ten years.

Chas: Yes, as your accountant, Mr. Sherman.

Richie: [referring to Royal] I think he's very lonely. Lonelier than he lets on. Maybe lonelier than he even realizes.

Ethel: Have you spoken to him about this?

Richie: Briefly. And he agreed that -

Chas: I'm sorry, maybe I'm a little confused here. What are you suggesting?

Richie: That he come here and stay in my room.

Chas: Are you out of your mind?

Richie: No. I'm not. Anyway I think he'd be much more comfortable here than at -

Chas: Who gives a shit?

Richie: I do.

Chas: You poor sucker. You poor, washed up papa's boy.

Chas: Looks like you and Dad are back together again, huh.

Richie: He's your dad too, Chas.

Chas: No, he's not.

Richie: Yes, he is.

Chas: You really hate me, don't you?

Richie: No. I don't. I love you.

Chas: Well, I don't know what you think you're gonna get out of this, but believe me, whatever it is, it's not worth it.

Richie: Chas. I don't want to hurt you. I know what you and the boys have been through. You're my brother and I love you.

Chas: Stop saying that!

Royal: Can we get somebody over here to kill these mice for us?

Margot: No. They belong to Chas. Or anyway he invented them.

Royal: Get him to stick them in a fucking cage or something.

Royal: I thought I'd start by taking you out to visit your grandmother.

Richie: God, I haven't been out there in years.

Margot: I've never been at all. I was never invited.

Royal: Well she wasn't your real grandmother, and I didn't know how much interest you had. But you're invited now!

Royal Tenenbaum: I never did stop loving you, by the way. Do you believe that?

Etheline Tenenbaum: Not really.

Eli Cash: You never gave me the time of day until I started getting good reviews.

Margot Tenenbaum: Your reviews aren't that good.

Richie: I wrote a suicide note.

Chas: You did?

Richie: Right after I regained consciousness.

Chas: Can we read it?

Richie: No.

Chas: Can you paraphrase it for us?

Richie: I don't think so.

Chas Tenenbaum: Was it dark?

Richie Tenenbaum: Of course it's dark, it's a suicide note.

Etheline Tenenbaum: How long have you been a smoker?

Margot Tenenbaum: Twenty-two years.

Etheline Tenenbaum: Well, I think you should quit.

Margot Tenenbaum: You probably don't even know my middle name.

Royal Tenenbaum: That's a trick question. You don't have one.

Margot Tenenbaum: Helen.

Royal Tenenbaum: That was my mother's name.

Margot Tenenbaum: I know it was.

[the priest breaks his ankle and is being loaded into the ambulance]

Raleigh: Do you have an alternate?

Priest: No.

Raleigh: Are there priests on call?

Eli Cash: Did I hit the dog?

Chas Tenenbaum: Yeah.

Eli Cash: Is he dead?

Chas Tenenbaum: Yeah.

Eli Cash: ...I need help.

Chas Tenenbaum: So do I.

Chas Tenenbaum: I've had a rough year, Dad.

Royal Tenenbaum: I know you have, Chassie.

Royal: Richie, this illness, this closeness to death... it's had a profound affect on me. I feel like a different person, I really do.

Richie: Dad, you were never dying.

Royal: ...but I'm gonna live.

[Richie walks away, Margot and Henry Sherman stand on stoop]

Royal: He's not your father.

Margot: Neither are you.

Royal: You always put raising the kids before everything else.

Etheline: I tried to. Lately I'm feeling like I might not've done such a good job.

Royal: Look, I know I'm gonna be the bad guy on this one. But I just wanna say the last six days have been the best six days of probably my whole life.

Narrator: Immediately after making this statement, Royal realized that it was true.

Taglines

Family isn't a word. It's a sentence.

You are invited to a remarkable family gathering.

Cast

Gene Hackman - Royal Tenenbaum
Anjelica Huston - Etheline Tenenbaum
Gwyneth Paltrow - Margot Tenenbaum
Luke Wilson - Richie Tenenbaum
Ben Stiller - Chas Tenenbaum
Owen Wilson - Eli Cash
Bill Murray - Raleigh St. Clair
Danny Glover - Henry Sherman
Alec Baldwin - Narrator