Directed by Bibo Bergenson, Vicki Jensen and Rob Letterman. Written by Michael J. Wilson and Rob Letterman.

Dialogue

Don Lino: What did I ever do to you?! You took Frankie away, and you turned Lenny into a dolphin!

Oscar: [Finds Frankie dead behind him, starts yelling crazily] Watch it! Back up! I'm crazy! I be trippin'! [makes karate moves and noises until he accidentally kicks Bernie]

Bernie: Ow! What the--?!

[Oscar, Ernie, and Bernie all scream simultaneously; Oscar hides behind Frankie]

Bernie: Don't hurt us! We're sorry! It was all Ernie's idea! [Ernie looks at Bernie angrily]

Ernie: Oscar?

Bernie: Did you kill that shark?

Oscar: Uh, yeah. Exactly how it looks; that's how it is.

Don Lino: I tell you what's what, and what?

Sykes: What?

Don Lino: What what?

Sykes: Wha-what nothing. You said "what" first.

Don Lino: I didn't say "what" first.

Sykes: You said "and then what" and I said "what".

Don Lino: No, I said what, what?

[pause]

Sykes: You said "what" first.

Don Lino: Now you're making fun of me?

Angie: What did you expect? You just take credit for killing a shark and then everything would be fine and dandy for the rest of your life?

Oscar: Uh, yeah.

[Oscar has just made his way out of Lenny's jaw and is striking a manly post for the crowds.]

Oscar: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!

[The crowd cheers]

Oscar: YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

[The crowd cheers]

Oscar: YOU HAD ME AT HELLO!

[The crowd cheers; Angie raises her eyebrows.]

Lola: You know, Sharkslayer. There's only one thing I like better than money: revenge. [glowers at Oscar]

Lenny: Mom says it's not okay to hit.

Frankie: Mom's not here. [starts humming the Jaws tune]

Lenny: Don't. Don't! That song gives me the creeps!

Frankie: What do ya mean? It's our theme song!

[The Jaws tune starts to play, and the opening credits roll.]

Angie: You don't have to live at the top of the reef to be a somebody.

Oscar: He trips underwater. Who in the halibut trips underwater? And by the way, on what?

Oscar: Ernie! Bernie! My jellyfish brothers! Booyakah!

Lola: Look, deep down, I'm really superficial. And don't get me wrong, you're cute, but you're a nobody.

[A shrimp is sobbing his way out of being eaten.]

Shrimp: It's true, it's true! And the other thing is, my sister had a baby and I took it over after she passed away and the baby lost all its legs and arms and now it's just a stump but I take care of it with my wife and... it's growing and it's fairly happy... and it's difficult because I'm working a second shift at the factory to put food on the table but all the love that I see in that little guy's face it makes it worth it in the end. True story.

Don Lino: Shut up?! Shut up?!! You don't tell me shut up, I tell you shut up! [hears phone dialing] What? Hello?

Luca: Hi, how are you doing? I'll have a large pie and everything on it. Anchovies, mushrooms--

Don Lino: Luca.

Luca: Oh. Uh, hi, Boss! What're you doing working at a pizza joint?

Don Lino: Get off the phone!

Luca: But I'm hungry. [hangs up]

Don Lino: My guys are coming for you, Sharkslayer! They're gonna tear you fin from fin!! [hangs up the phone]

[Two Hammermheads are looking at Lenny when they think he's a dolphin.]

Hammerhead #1: Look, he's got dolphin muscle!

Hammerhead #2: My Uncle Vito got whacked by one of those!

Oscar: You dig, dog?

Lenny: Dig. Dog. Dog dig, dig dog, yeah. Yo, diggy dog!

[Ernie, pretending to be Lola, puts mustard and ketchup on a hot dog on a stick so it looks like a face.]

Ernie: Oscar, you're cute, but you're a nobody!

[Bernie, pretending to be Oscar, also puts mustard and ketchup on a hot dog stick so it looks like a face.]

Bernie: No wait! Lola! I'm not a nobody! I'm a weiner!

Angie: Okay, somebody needs to get me out of the bubble. Today.

Don Lino: [record skips] Luca! Please!

[Luca fixes the records, "Baby Got Back" comes on. Don Lino and Sykes look over at Luca.]

Luca: [fixes the record again] Hey, boss! "Big butts." [laughs]

Shrimp: Say hello to my little friends!

Oscar: Yippee-ki-yay.

Ernie: Sykes' Whale Wash, and the price--oh!

Sykes: It's Sykes' Whale Wash; And the price: "Oh My Gosh!"

Ernie: Hello, Whale Wash.

Bernie: Rhymes with "gosh!"

Sykes: Alright, that's enough. Make yourselves useless somewhere else.

Ernie: Hello Sykes' Whale Wash; And the price-- [sees Don Lino chasing Oscar.] Oh, my gosh!

Bernie: Hey, you got it right!

Sykes: Ah, yes, here he is! My brother, my player, the shark slayer!

Ernie: Sykes' Whale Wash. You get a whale of a wash and the price is very, very low. In fact, it's so low that it's not good at all.

Crazy Joe: [stops closing credits] Hey! hey, you see this guy here? [taps crew member name] He hardly worked on the film at all! Always on the phone--yakking, yakking, yakking!

[Ernie has just lost the "Sharkslayer" videogame.]

Bernie: You're not doing it right! I told you!

Ernie: I'm doing it!

Bernie: X, circle, XX, double left square, right trigger down, square, square.

Ernie: Oh, double square! Respect!

Bernie: Respect!

Luca: Be there, if you don't wanna see her sleepin' with the fishes. The dead ones. Now nod you head if you understand.

[Oscar nodded his head]

Luca: Now tell me if you nodded.

Oscar: I nodded.

[Luca hangs up the phone]

Katie Current: The Sharkslayer has done it again, this time luring two sharks into his death trap of hygiene.

Katie Current: You've lost everything you've lied so hard to achieve. Tell me. What's next for you?

Sykes: Now I have to pay Don Lino protection, so everything you owe me, you owe him.

Oscar: How do you figure that?

Sykes: Simple, the food chain. [pulls out chart] On top there's Don Lino, there's me, there's regular fish.

Oscar: And that's me.

Sykes: No. There's plankton, there's single-celled amoebas--

Oscar: And then there's me.

Sykes: I'm getting there, I'm getting there. There's coral rocks, there's whale poo, and then there's you.

Oscar: That's messed up.

Oscar: And you tell Don Lame-o that I don't ever, ever, ever, ever want to see another shark on this reef again! Ever! Remember this name: Oscar the Sharkslayer!

Crazy Joe: [during closing credits] Man! Did you see what's playing next door? Woo-hoo! Kinky!

Giuseppe: It's a terrible thing. Everyone loved Frankie. May whoever did this die a thousand deaths. May his stinking, maggot-covered corpse rot in the fiery depths of Hell.

Don Lino: Thank you for your kind thoughts, Giuseppe.

Frankie: [dying] Lenny, is that you?

Lenny: I'm here, Frankie.

Frankie: Come closer.

Lenny: What is it, Frankie?

Frankie: I'm so cold.

Lenny: That's because we're cold-blooded.

[Frankie slaps Lenny]

Lenny: Ow!

Frankie: Moron. [dies]

Katie Current: Now that you're the Sharkslayer, does this mean you're gonna keep working at the whale wash?

Oscar: Please, I hardly work here now.

Angie: How could you lie to me, Oscar?! Me!

Oscar: Don't take it personally, Angie. I lied to everybody.

Sykes: Ernie! Bernie! Find the deepest, darkest hole in the ocean, then dig deeper, and put him in it!

[first lines]

Lenny: Hi, I'm Lenny. Ooh! Little buddy, did I scare you? I'm sorry.

[last lines]

Lola: Listen, baby, I know I was a bad girl, but you'd have to be crazy not to take me back.

Crazy Joe: Did someone say crazy?

Oscar: Man, did you see what happened back there?

Lenny: Yeah! They think you're the sharkslayer! As if! [Starts laughing]

Oscar: I don't appreciate your funky tone, actually.

Lenny: No, no, wait! C'mon, I'm sorry. I don't want you to be mad at me. And I certainly don't want you to slay me. [starts laughing even more]

Oscar: You're having a good time aren't you?

Oscar: You're gonna go right up to them and you're gonna say, "Stop! Don't ya'll--ya'll go no farther! The Sharkslayer's crazy, man! He's a stone cold killer, man!"

Oscar: Yeah, all right!

Lenny: Hey, hey! Sharkslayer!

Oscar: Did you see me? I was like-- [makes karate noises]

Lenny: Yeah! How was I?

Oscar: Man, you were like the bomb, man! Yeah!

Lenny: Oh, and--hey, hey, hey! Casanova, I saw your big finish back there! Nice smooch!

Oscar: Ix-nay on the iss-kay; it's a little private.

Angie: Private!? The whole reef saw you do it!

Oscar: What's wrong with you?

Angie: Sometimes, I wanna take your big dumb dummy head and just--nyhhh! [makes pounding notions]

Oscar: My man, Sykes here has just begged me not to murdelize ya'll up in here. Now, I might listen to him, but then again I might not!

Oscar: Hi, I'm Oscar. You might think you me, but you have no idea! Welcome to my crib; the good life, the way the other half lives! Check it out, I got my 60-inch high-def plasma TV with six speaker surround, CD, DVD, Playstation and an eight track for one of those days when you're feeling just a little [beatboxes] old school. [laughs] 'Cause even a superstar Mac-daddy like me has the basic necessities!

Oscar: Sykes, my brother from another mother!

Don Feinberg: [singing] I could fly higher than an eagle / If you are wind beneath my wings. Any requests? How about that Titanic song?

[The sharks moan and groan their dissent.]

Oscar: Ah-h-h! Okay, everybody go home to your loved ones; spend the last few hours that you have with each other!

Oscar: I'm a nobody; I want some of that!

Angie: [mischievously] Mrs. Sanchez?

Oscar: What? Eugh! No!

Bernie: Ernie, let me ask you a question?

Ernie: What, man?

Bernie: Why is it that we can sting other people, but they have no effect on me or you?

[A tentacle of his brushes stings Ernie, causing him to fall down screaming and twitching.]

Bernie: Ernie! I didn't mean it, Ernie, I didn't mean it, mon. Ernie, Ernie, ohh, Ernie.

[Ernie suddenly get up laughing.]

Bernie: Ernie! You made a joke! Good one, mon. Respect!

Ernie: Respect! Bloodfire!

[They high-five each other]

Angie: You're going way too far, Oscar!

Lenny: Actually, he hasn't gone far enough.

Oscar: Exactly! What?

Oscar: Don't swallow!

Lenny: Oscar?

Oscar: No, it's Pinocchio--of course it's me! Why did you do that?

Lenny: Oh, I'm sorry.

Oscar: No, "sorry" is when you step on somebody's fin at the theater! Yeah that's "sorry"! "Sorry" is when you ask somebody "Hey, when's the baby due?" and it turns out the person's just fat! No, this is as far away from "sorry" as you can possibly get!

Lenny: Oscar, I think I'm gonna puke.

Oscar: Oh, no, no, no, no, Lenny, just open up, nice and slow!

[Angie becomes unbelievably and understandably jealous after seeing Oscar and Lola kiss each other on television.]

Angie: Just tell me, Oscar, because I'm curious; why do you think she's interested, huh? Do you think, for one minute, that she wouldn't be with you if you weren't the rich and famous Sharkslayer.

Lenny: [trying to intervene] Awww, you guys, please don't fight.

Angie: Are you that blind?

Oscar: At least she treats me like I'm somebody?

Angie: Yeah, well would she love you if you were nobody?

Oscar: Nobody loved me when I was nobody!

Angie: I did! Before the money, and before the fame, before the lie. To me, you were a somebody, Oscar, now you're nothing but a fake, a sham, a con. You're the joke.

Lenny: Here I come! Ta-da! Sebastian / The whale washing dolphin! [makes clicking noises]

Don Lino: [hugging his son] Lenny? Is that you? You're alive? I thought I lost you. What are you wearing, huh? What is that?

[Lenny heaves a resigned sigh and sheds his disguise. The other sharks gape at him.]

Luca: Hey, boss, it's Lenny - he was wearing a disguise so we wouldn't recognize him, but now he's not wearing a disguise, so we do recognize him!

Lenny: Hi, Pop.

Don Lino: Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me?! Are you out of your mind?! Do you have any idea how this looks?!

Giuseppe: [whispers to another shark] This is the best sit-down I've ever been to!

Don Lino: What're you doing with this guy?! He took out your own flesh and blood! Frankie!

Lenny: But Pop, just listen--

Don Lino: But nothing, Lenny! You never take sides against the family! Ever!

Oscar: Don, Lino, listen. It's not his fault, this is between you and me!

Don Lino: What did I ever do to you?! You took Frankie away, and you turned Lenny into a dolphin! [pauses, then becomes furious] I'm gonna get you! [attacks Oscar]

Lenny: [quietly] Echo. Echo. [little louder] Now batting in for the Southside Sharks, Number 15-- [Oscar hits Lenny] Ow, it's not okay to hit.

[On the phone, while watching Oscar slay Lenny on TV.]

Sykes: Do you understand how huge my client is? Turn on your TV right now!

[Still on the phone and Oscar has been eaten by Lenny.]

Sykes: Turn off your TV! Turn off your TV!

[Still on the phone and Oscar escapes Lenny's mouth.]

Sykes: Turn on your TV! What are you doing turning off your TV?! Turn on your TV!

Taglines

• In fall, a new school will rule.
• The story of what happens when one little fish tells a great white lie...
• Behind every little fish is a great white lie.
• A new school's gonna rule...

Cast

• Will Smith - Oscar
• Robert De Niro - Don Lino
• Renee Zellweger - Angie
• Jack Black - Lenny
• Angelina Jolie - Lola
• Martin Scorsese - Sykes
• Ziggy Marley - Ernie
• Doug E. Doug - Bernie
• Michael Imperioli - Frankie
• Vincent Pastore - Luca
• Peter Falk - Don Feinberg
• Katie Couric - Katie Current