Murder by Death Quotations

Murder by Death is a 1976 comedy film that spoofs the traditional whodunit mystery. The five greatest detectives are assembled in a remote mansion for a "dinner and a murder" weekend.

Directed by Robert Moore. Written by Neil Simon.

You are cordially invited to dinner…and a murder! taglines

Inspector Sidney Wang

Conversation like television set on honeymoon…not necessary.

Questions like athlete's foot…after a while, very irritating.

Man who argue with cow on wall like car with no wheels, very soon get nowhere.

Treacherous road like fresh mushroom...must always— [Willie drives the car away.] Idiot! Not finish mushroom story! You Idiot!

Someone gone to great trouble to make welcome guests, not so welcome.

Son will get bags. That is why I adopted him.

Big house like man married to fat woman…hard to get around.

No pulse. No hearbeat. If condition does not change, this man is dead.

Answer simple, but question, very hard.

Someone just put deadly snake in room. Wake me when it come near bed.

You feed cat…dog food?

Miss Marbles, I have admired you since I was tiny little detective.

Voice come from cow on wall!

Room filled with empty people.

He loved me very much, but he was not very observant. One day when I was nineteen, he called me to his study, realized for the first time that I was Oriental, and kicked me out of house!

Inspector Milo Perrier

You should not speak with an accent when you know I'm so hungry.

Monsieur Twain, we have been here nearly four hours and there has not been a hint of a hot dinner or a cold corpse. I must therefore bid you adieu.

You don't have to say "dead butler." It's bad enough I have to put my hand in his pocket.

One of us will be one million dollars richer, and one of us will be going to the gas chamber to be hung.

Forgive me, but I was talking about patricide, not uncle-cide.

Mr. Twain would come to France every season…to hunt poodles.

I am not a Frenchie, I'm a Belgie!

Tess Skeffington

There's nothing on him until '46, when he was picked up in El Paso, Texas for trying to smuggle a truckload of rich, white Americans across the border into Mexico to pick melons. He was sent to the Dallas state hospital for mental observation.

Please, excuse Sam. He was shot in the head last week. He shouldn't even be out of the hospital.

Sam Diamond

Why don't you ask the moose on the wall. He's been watching us since we came in.

Alright, we'll take turns. You look over the first dead, naked body that we find and I'll look over the second.

That can only mean one thing—and I don't know what it is!

My motive is unimportant; let's just say I hated him enough to kill him.

Where was ya Wang? We was worried.

Dick Charleston

The motive is simple: ego. If we were not to solve this crime, he would indeed be named the world's foremost detective. And with an ego like his, the fact that he had to die for it would be a small price to pay.

Butler

Ten people for dinner, and I'm serving them hot nothing! You can't get good help today.

Dora Charleston

I don't understand. Why would anybody want to steal a dead, naked body?

I want you to know, Dickie darling, that if you're the murderer, I'll still love you. I don't think it would be right for us to make love, but I'd still love you.

Lionel Twain

You've all been so clever for so long you've forgotten to be humble. You tricked and fooled your readers for years. You've tortured us all with surprise endings that make no sense. You've introduced characters in the last five pages who were never in the book before! You withheld clues and information that made it impossible for us to guess who did it! But now, the tables are turned. Millions of angry mystery readers are now getting their revenge.

Dialogue

Dora Charleston: What a godforsaken spot to get lost!

Dick Charleston: I saw a much better spot a few miles back.

Dick Charleston: I say, you don't happen to have a seen a little white…Wang!

Willie Wang: A white wang?

Dick Charleston: Good heavens! Sidney Wang. What are you doing in this godforsaken spot?

Sydney Wang: No doubt same as you; looking for bridge that lead to home of host, Mr. Lionel Twain.

Tess Skeffington: If you ask me, Sam, this is a wild goose chase.

Sam Diamond: Nobody asked you, baby.

Tess Skeffington: Yes they did. You asked me. You asked me back there if I—

Sam Diamond: That was then. This is now. And nobody knows what tomorrow will be. That's the way things are whether we like it or not.

Sidney Wang: Weight of two men may be too much for bridge.

Willie Wang: Then why do I get to drive the car?

Sidney Wang: Because I smart enough to get out first.

Willie Wang: Are you nuts, pop, someone's trying to kill us?!

Sidney Wang: Yes. Should make exciting weekend. Ring, please.

Willie Wang: I wish it was Monday morning.

[A dark figure walks past draped window above]

Sidney Wang: Did you see that?

Willie Wang: No.

Sidney Wang: Neither did I.

Sidney Wang: Strange weather. Storm only outside, when…inside.

Butler: Oh, that. That's just one of Mr. Twain's little toys.

Dora Charleston: What's your name?

Butler: Bensonmum.

Dora Charleston: Thank you Benson.

Butler: No, no. Bensonmum, my name is Bensonmum.

Dick Charleston: Bensonmum?

Butler: Yes, sir. Jamesir Bensonmum.

Dick Charleston: Jamesir?

Butler: Yes, sir?

Dick Charleston: Jamesir Bensonmum?

Butler: (Slightly frustrated) Yes, sir.

Dick Charleston: How odd.

Butler: My father's name, sir.

Dick Charleston: What was your father's name?

Butler: Howard. Howard Bensonmum.

Dick Charleston: Your father's name was Howard Bensonmum?

Dora Charleston: Leave it alone Dickie, I've had enough.

Tess Skeffington: Twain picked up Sam in a gay bar.

Sam Diamond: I WAS WORKING ON A CASE!!!

Tess Skeffington: Every night for SIX MONTHS?!

Willie Wang: Why would anyone want to hire a blind butler?

Sidney Wang: For one thing, very cheap. How butler know how much he get paid?

Dick Charleston: Up there, Dora, look. The blind butler.

Dora Charleston: Don't let him park the car, Dickie.

Dick Charleston: Died of what?

Butler: She murdered herself in her sleep, sir.

Dick Charleston: You mean suicide?

Butler: Oh, no. It was murder, alright. Mrs. Twain hated herself.

Marcel: You have chocolate on your face.

Milo Perrier: What?

Marcel: The candy bar, it is all over your face.

Milo Perrier: That is my moustache.

Marcel: Lick it and see.

Sam Diamond: And I owe Ms. Skeffington here three years and two months back pay. Ain't that right, angel?

Tess Skeffington: I don't care about the money, Sam.

Sam Diamond: Neither do I.

Dora Charleston: Mr. Diamond, you have a bullet hole in your back!

Sam Diamond: You should see the other guy.

Milo Perrier: One moment. Where is the soup?

Butler: In your dish.

Milo Perrier: There is nothing in my dish but my dish.

Butler: [sipping from empty ladle] I see what you mean, sir. If you'll excuse me, I'd better have a little talk with the cook!

Dick Charleston: Just as I thought. Another test that could have cost us our lives, saved only by the fact that I am enormously well-bred.

Sam Diamond: Lucky it wasn't me; I'd've been chopped liver by now.

Sidney Wang: What meaning of this, Mr. Twain?

Lionel Twain: I will tell you, Mr. Wang, if you can tell me why a man who possesses one of the most brilliant minds of this century can't say his prepositions or articles. The, Mr. Wang. What is the meaning of this?

Sidney Wang: That what I said. What meaning of this?

Jessica Marbles: What is it?

Milo Perrier: A bill. Everything here has been rented for tonight. The butler, the cook, the food, the dining room chairs, everything.

Jessica Marbles: You mean…

Milo Perrier: Yes. This entire murder has been…catered.

Milo Perrier: He's gone.

Jessica Marbles: Who's gone?

Milo Perrier: The butler. His body is missing. Here's the key

Sidney Wang: If butler gone, where you find key?

Milo Perrier: In his pocket.

Jessica Marbles: What pocket?

Milo Perrier: The butler's pocket.

Sidney Wang: Butler gone but pocket still there?

Milo Perrier: Exactly.

Sidney Wang: Man who argue with cow on wall is like train without wheels—very soon get nowhere.

Milo Perrier: Oh, be quiet. I'm sick of your fortune cookies.

Sidney Wang: Oh…man who is sick of fortune cookie…

Milo Perrier: What do you make of all of this, Wang?

Sidney Wang: Is confusing.

Lionel Twain: It!. It is confusing. Say your goddamn pronouns!

Sam Diamond: I don't get it. First they steal the body and leave the clothes, then they steal the clothes and bring the body back. Who would do a thing like that?

Dick Charleston: Possibly some deranged dry cleaner.

Milo Perrier: When is a dining room filled with people not a dining room filled with people?

Jessica Marbles: When it is two dining rooms!

[Inspector Perrier has just returned to the room, looking disheveled in the butler's clothes.]

Milo Perrier: Don't ask me!

Dick Charleston: What are you doing in the butler's uniform?

Milo Perrier: I said don't ask me! I don't know. It all happened so quickly!

Dora Charleston: Is he dead?

Sam Diamond: With a thing like that in his back, in the long run, he's better off.

[Sam just just fired his gun at the ceiling to get everyone's attention.]

Sam Diamond: Shut up, all of yous! Nobody move! Stay where you are, everybody!

Dick Charleston: What is it?

Sam Diamond: I have to go to the can again! I don't want to miss nothing!

Willie Wang: Why do I do all the dirty work, Pop?

Sidney Wang: Because your mother not here to do it.

Sidney Wang: One moment, please. Very interesting theory, Mr. Charleston. But, you overlook one very important point.

Dick Charleston: That is?

Sidney Wang: It stupid. It most stupid theory I ever heard!

Tess Skeffington: He wasn't my father. He was my uncle. He was very good to me; he would take me to the circus and give me candy. We stopped going when I was about 26. I'm sorry, Sam.

Sam Diamond: 26? What the hell kind of a circus was it?

Willie Wang: Pop?

Sidney Wang: Yeah?

Willie Wang: Who do you think is the murderer?

Sidney Wang: Must sleep on it. Will know in morning when wake up.

Willie Wang: What if you don't wake up?

Sidney Wang: Then you did it.

Jessica Marbles: Good God! Gas!

Miss Withers: I'm sorry, I can't help it. I'm old.

Jessica Marbles: No, no. The other kind of gas. The kind that kills!

Miss Withers: Sometimes my gas…

Marcel: Oh, you are unfair! I will tell everyone that you wear a toupee.

Milo Perrier: They already know!

Marcel: Then why do you wear it?

Milo Perrier: I didn't know that you knew.

Marcel: Certainly I know. It is a terrible toupee.

Jamesir Bensonmum: Very clever of you, Mr. Wang. As you can see, I can see.

Sydney Wang: So I see.

Jamesir Bensonmum: Tell me, as the only survivor, how did you deduce it was me?

Sydney Wang: Went back to theory seldom used today: butler did it.

Jamesir Bensonmum: I hadn't thought of that.

Sidney Wang: There, voice come from cow on wall!

Lionel Twain: Moose! MOOSE, YOU IMBECILE!

Milo Perrier: Where are they?! What have you done with the others, you short madman!

Lionel Twain: AHA! Stumped already! Need some clues, Monsieur Perrier?

Milo Perrier: Clues? I need no clues from you; I'll find my OWN CLUES! You demented lollipop!

Sydney Wang: Door locked.

Jessica Marbles: Sam Diamond probably locked it from the inside as a precaution.

Sydney Wang: Good thinking on Diamondhead.

Willie Wang: I don't get it pop, was there a murder or wasn't there?

Sydney Wang: Yes, killed good weekend! Drive please.

Dick Charleston: Now let's see what we have here. We have one missing, dead, naked butler, one host with a butcher's knife in his back, and one poisonous scorpion crawling up our sheets.

Dora Charleston: Oh, is that what that is?

Dick Charleston: Yes. They can kill instantly. I suggest we don't move

Dora Charleston: For how long?

Dick Charleston: Quite possibly for the rest of our lives.

Sam Diamond: You did good Tess. How'd you find out all that information?

Tess Skeffington: I wrote to Twain and asked him.

Sam Diamond: Good thinking.

Cast

Truman Capote — Lionel Twain
James Coco — Inspector Milo Perrier
Peter Falk — Sam Diamond
Alec Guinness — Jamesir Bensonmum (the butler)
Elsa Lanchester — Miss Jessica Marbles
David Niven — Dick Charleston
Peter Sellers — Inspector Sidney Wang
Maggie Smith — Mrs. Dora Charleston
Eileen Brennan — Tess Skeffington
Nancy Walker — Yetta
Estelle Winwood — Miss Withers
James Cromwell — Marcel
Richard Narita — Willie Wang