Directed by George Armitage. Written by Tom Jankiewicz, D.V. DeVincentis, Steve Pink, and John Cusack.

Martin Blank

• If I show up at your door, chances are you did something to bring me there.

• I guess you could say I went west. You know, the way of Horatio Alger, Davy Crockett, the Donner Party...

• When I left, I joined the army, and when I took the service exam my psych profile fit a certain... moral flexibility would be the only way to describe it... and I was loaned out to a CIA-sponsored program, and we sort of found each other. That's how it works.

• I know what I do isn't... moral, per se...

• You can never go home again, Oatman... but I guess you can shop there.

• I just honestly don't know what I have in common with those people anymore... or with anyone, really. I mean, they'll all have husbands and wives and children and houses and dogs, and, you know, they'll have made themselves a part of something, and they can talk about what they do. And what am I going to say? "I killed the president of Paraguay with a fork. How have you been?" I just think it'll be depressing.

• [to himself, rehearsing] "Hi! I’m Martin Blank, do you remember me? I’m not married, I don’t have any kids, and I’d blow your head off if someone paid me enough."

• A thousand innocent people get killed every day, but a millionaire's pet gets detonated and you're marked for life.

Debi Newberry

• Everybody's coming back to take stock of their lives. You know what I say? Leave your livestock alone.

• If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's... well... broken.

• People say forgive and forget. Yeah, I don't know. I say forget about forgiving and just accept. And get the hell out of town.

• Where are all the good men dead? In the heart or in the head?

• [Martin gives Debi flowers] I'll go put these in some rubbing alcohol.

Mr. Grocer

• See, kid, this is what I'm talking about. We could be working together again, for God's sake. You know? Making big money, killing important people!

• Hey, hey, bing bing bing bing bang! POPCORN!

• Easy there, chief. I don't see hollow-point wound care on the menu.

• That punk is either in love with that guy's daughter or he's got a newfound respect for life!

• Uh-oh! Smells like a wedding! You're breaking my heart down here, Blank! I can't aim through the tears!

Others

• Marcella: Sir, it's out of my hands. The gods want you to go back home, and they want you to delete someone while you're there.

• Dr. Oatman: Go see some old friends. Drink some punch, visit with what's-her-name. Don't kill anybody for a few days; see what it feels like.

• Paul Spericki: I'll see you at the "I've-Peaked-and-I'm-Kidding-Myself" party.

• Agent Steve Lardner: You want to kill the good guy but not be the bad guy. It doesn't work like that. You've got to wait until the bad guy kills the good guy. Then when you kill the bad guy, you're the good guy.

• Ultimart Clerk: [after the convenience store blows up] No, I'm NOT all right! I'm hurt, I'm pissed... I gotta find a new job!

Dialogue

Debi Newberry: So, is there a Mrs. Mysterio?

Martin Blank: No, but I have a cat.

Debi: It's not the same thing.

Martin: Well, you don't know my cat. It's very demanding.

Debi: It? You don't know if it's a boy or a girl?

Martin: I respect its privacy.

Mr. Newberry: So, what have you been doing with your life?

Martin: Um... professional killer.

Mr. Newberry: Oh, good for you! Growth industry.

Martin: Whole grain pancakes and an egg-white omelette, please.

Waitress: What would you like in your omelette?

Martin: Nothing in the omelette. Nothing at all.

Waitress: Well, that's not technically an omelette.

Martin: Look, I don't want to get into a semantic argument about it, I just want the protein, all right?

[Debi's dad learns there's a contract on his life.]

Mr. Newberry: Design division wants me dead over a leaky sun-roof? You want to kill me for that?

Martin: It's not ME! Why does everybody think it's personal?

Debi: You're a psychopath!

Martin: No, no, no, a psychopath kills for no reason. I kill for money. It's a job. That didn't come out right.

[Martin's secretary has discovered that several enemies are in town]

Marcella: [on phone] Sir, I'm becoming concerned for your safety.

Martin: I have to go.

Marcella: Yeah, well, we all have to go sometime, sir, but we can choose when.

Martin: Nobody chooses when.

Ken: I do divorce mainly, some property, some personal injury.

Marty: Those all seem kinda related.

Martin: Why are you so interested in me going to my high school reunion?

Marcella: I just find it amusing that you came from somewhere.

Martin: Did you go to yours?

Marcella: Yes, I did. It was just as if everybody had swelled.

Martin: This your Beamer?

Paul: Yeah.

Martin: In Detroit? That's sacrilege!

Agent McCullers: You got any ideas how you wanna wax this guy?

Agent Lardner: Can't you just say "kill"? You always gotta romanticize it.

Martin: I'm a professional killer.

Paul: Do you have to do post-graduate work for that?

Mr. Newberry: Did I have you figured wrong?

Martin: I don't know; I mean, I hope so.

Mr. Newberry: I visualised you in a haze as one of those slackster, flannel-wearing, coffee-house misanthropes I've been seeing in Newsweek.

Martin: No-no-no, I went the other road. Six figures, doing business with lead-pipe cruelty, mercenery sensibility. You know... sport sex, no real relationships. How about you, how have the years been treating you?

Mr. Newberry: Well, you know me, Martin; still the same old sell-out, exploiting the oppressed...

Martin: Sure.

Mr. Newberry: "Oh what a piece of work is man, how noble..." Oh fuck it, let's have a drink and forget the whole damn thing.

Marcella: Don't hang up! Wait! Did you read yesterday's offer?

Martin: Hold on a minute.

Marcella: It's in French. It's a Greenpeace boat. It'd be so easy.

Martin: No way! I have scruples.

[Heading in to the reunion]

Debi: I should have worn a skirt.

Martin: I should have brought my gun.

Debi: What was that?

Martin: Should be fun!

Cast

• John Cusack - Martin Blank
• Alan Arkin - Dr. Oatman
• Joan Cusack - Marcella
• Dan Aykroyd - Mr. Grocer
• Minnie Driver - Debi Newberry
• Jeremy Piven - Paul Spericki
• Hank Azaria - Agent Steve Lardner
• K. Todd Freeman - Agent Kenneth McCullers
• Benny Urquidez - Felix La Pubelle