Avenue Q is a Tony Award-winning Broadway musical.

"Everyone's a Little Bit Racist"

Brian: Hey guys, what are you laughing about?

Gary Coleman: Racism!

Brian: Cool!

Christmas Eve: Blian! Come back here! You take out lecycuraburs!

Princeton: What's that mean?

Brian: Um...recyclables.

All but Brian: *loud laughter*

Brian: Hey! Don't laugh at her! How many languages do you speak?

Kate (LYRIC): Oh, come off it, Brian! Everyone's a little bit racist...

Brian: I'm not!

Princeton: Oh no?

Brian: Nope!

Princeton: Ha!

Brian: How many Oriental wives have you got?

Christmas Eve: What?! Blian!

Princeton: Brian, buddy, where ya been? The term is Asian-American!

Christmas Eve: I know you are no intending to be, but carring me "Olientar" offensive to me!

-----

Christmas Eve:The Jews have all the money and the Whites have all the power, and I'm arways in taxi cab with dliver who no shower!

Princeton:Me too!

Kate:Me too!

Gary:I can't even get a taxi!

-----

Everyone's a little bit racist sometimes...doesn't mean we go around commiting hate crimes!!

-----

Look around and you will find, no one's really color blind. Maybe it's a fact we all should face... everyone makes judgments, based on race!

-----

Everyone's a little bit racist, It's true.

But everyone is just about as racist as you!

If we all could just admit that we are racist a little bit,

And everyone stopped being so PC

Maybe we could live in ... harmony!

Christmas Eve: Evelyone's a rittre bit lacist!

-----

Ethnic jokes may be uncouth, but you laugh because they're based on truth

Don't take them as personal attacks... everyone enjoys them, so relax!

-----

Gary: You were telling a black joke!

Princeton: Well sure, Gary, but lots of people tell black jokes.

Gary: I don't.

Princeton: Well, of course you don't, you're black! But I bet you tell polack jokes, right?

Gary: Well, of course I do, HA HA, those stupid Polacks!

-----

"What Do You Do With A B.A. In English? / It Sucks To Be Me"

Princeton: What do you do with a B.A. in English?

What is my life going to be?
Four years of college and plenty of knowledge,
Have earned me this useless degree.
I can't pay the bills yet, 'cause I have no skills yet;
The world is a big scary place,
But somehow I can't shake the feeling I might make
A difference to the human race...
-----

Christmas Eve: Why you all so happy?

Nicky: 'Cuz our lives suck!

Christmas Eve: Your rives suck? I hearing you collectly? Ha! I coming to this country for opportunities. Tly to work in Korean deli, but I am Japanese. But with hard work I earn two masters degrees in social work and now I a therapist but I have no crients and I have an unemproyed fiance and we have rots of bills to pay! It suck to be me. It suck to be me. I say it sukka-sukka-sukka-sukka-sukka-sukka-sukka-sukka-sukka-sukka-sukka-sukka-suck, it suck to be me!

---

Kate Monster: I'm kind of pretty, and pretty damn smart.

Brian:You are.

Kate Monster:THANKS! I like romantic things like music and art, and as you know I have a gigantic heart! So why don't I have a boyfriend? F**k! It sucks to be me!

-----

Gary: I'm Gary Coleman, from T.V.'s Different Strokes. I made a lot of money that got stolen by my folks! Now I'm broke and I'm the butt of everyone's jokes but I'm here, the superintendent on Avenue Q!

Everyone: It sucks to be you!

Kate: You win.

Everyone: It sucks to be you!

Brian: I feel better now.

Gary: Try having people stopping you to ask you, "What you talkin' about Willis?" It gets old.

"If You Were Gay"

Nicky: Well, okay, but just so you know

if you were gay

that'd be okay.

I mean 'cause, hey! Ha!

I like you anyway!

Because you see,

if it were me,

I would feel free to say

that I was gay

Nicky: You can count on me

to always be

beside you every day,

to tell you "It's okay,

you were just born that way,

and, as they say,

it's in your DNA!"

You're GAY!

Rod: I am NOT gay!

Nicky: If you WERE gay.

Rod: Argh!

"Schadenfreude"

Nicky: "Schadenfreude", huh? What's that? Some kind of Nazi word?

Gary Coleman: Yup! It's German for "happiness at the misfortune of others".

Nicky: "Happiness at the misfortune of others" ... That is German!

-----

Gary: Right now you are down and out, and feelin' really crappy.

Nicky: I'll say.

Gary: And when I see how sad you are, it sort of makes me happy!

Nicky: "Happy?"

Gary: Sorry, Nicky, human nature, nothing I can do~! It's Schadenfreude makin' me feel glad that I'm not you!

-----

Nicky: How 'bout straight A students getting B's?

Gary: Exes getting STDs!

Nicky: Waking doormen from their naps!

Gary: Watching tourist reading maps!

Nicky: Football players getting tackled!

Gary: CEOs getting shackled!

Nicky: Watching actors never reach

Both: The ending of their Oscar speech!

-----

Nicky: Being on an elevator when somebody shouts HOLD THE DOOR!!!

Gary: Oh yeah..

Both: NO! Schadenfreude!

Gary: F**k you lady, thats what stairs are for!

"The Internet is for Porn"

Kate Monster: Finally! I get to teach a whole lesson all by myself! And I'm going to teach something relevant, something modern: the internet! (singing) Oh! The Internet is really, really great!

Trekkie Monster: For porn!

Kate Monster: I've got a fast connection so I don't have to wait!

Trekkie Monster: For porn!

Kate Monster: There's always some new site-

Trekkie Monster: For porn!

Kate Monster: I browse all day and night-

Trekkie Monster: For porn!

Kate Monster: It's like I'm surfing at the speed of light!

Trekkie Monster: FOR PORN!

-----

Trekkie Monster: The Internet is for porn!

Kate Monster: Trekkie!

Trekkie Monster: The Internet is for porn!

Kate Monster: What are you doing?

Trekkie Monster: Why you think the net was born? Porn, porn, porn!

-----

Trekkie Monster: Me up all night, honking me horn to porn, porn, porn!

----

Kate Monster: That's gross! You're a pervert.

Trekkie Monster: Ah, Sticks and stones, Kate Monster!

Kate Monster: No, really. You're a pervert! Normal people don't sit at home and look at porn on the internet.

Trekkie Monster: Ohhhh?

Kate Monster: What?

Trekkie Monster: You have NO idea! Ready normal people?

Brian: Ready!

Princeton: Ready!

Rod: Ready!

Gary: Ready!

-----

Kate Monster: The Internet is NOT for porn!

Trekkie, Brian, Princeton, Rod, Gary: Porn, porn-!

Kate Monster: HOLD ON A SECOND! Now, I happen to know for a fact that you, Rod, check your portfolio and trade stocks online.

Rod: That's correct.

Kate Monster: And, Brian, you buy things on Amazon.com!

Brian: Sure!

Kate Monster: And, Gary, you keep selling your possessions on eBay.

Gary: Yes, I do!

Kate Monster: And, Princeton, you sent me that sweet on-line birthday card.

Princeton: True.

Trekkie Monster: Oh, but Kate, what you think he do after, hmmmm?

Brian, Rod, Gary: *chuckling*

Princeton: Yeah...

Kate: EEEEEW!!

-----

Trekkie Monster: Grab your dick and double click for porn, porn, porn!

The More You Ruv Someone

Christmas Eve: Ruv...

Kate Monster: Love...

Christmas Eve: And hate...

Kate Monster: Hate...

Christmas Eve: They rike two blothers...

Kate Monster: Brothers...

Christmas Eve: Who go on a date.

Kate Monster: who... what?

"Fantasies Come True"

Nicky: I know, put my earmuffs on the cookie.

-----

Nicky:No, I'll wear the purple shoes, a- who painted the kitten?

-----

Nicky:: You look like David Hasselhoff.

----

Nicky: Hey Rod buddy, you're talking in your sleep!

Rod: I thought you were talking in your sleep!!

Nicky: Naw, I just came to bed. You're dreamin' is all.

Rod: Oh...

Nicky: Sounded like a nice dream though.

Rod: Yes, it was a nice dream...

Nicky: Goodnight.

Rod: Goodnight, Nicky.

"I Wish I Could Go Back to College"

Kate: I wish I could go back to college, life was so simple back then.

Nicky: What would I give, to go back and live, in a dorm with a meal plan again?

Princeton: I wish I could go back to college, in college you know who you are. You sit in the quad and think, Oh my God, I am totally gonna go far!

All: How do I go back to college? I don't know who I am anymore!

Princeton: I wanna go back to my room and find a message in dry erase pen on the door...whoa whoa whoa...I wish I could just drop a class.

Nicky: Or get into a play.

Kate: Or change my major.

Princeton: Or f**k my T.A.!

All: I need an academic advisor to point the way! We could be sitting in the computer lab, four a.m. before the final paper is due, cursing the world cuz I didn't start sooner, and seeing the rest of the class there too! I wish I could go back to college! How do I go back to college?

Princeton: I wish I had taken more pictures.

Nicky: But if I were to go back to college, think what a loser I'd be. I'd walk through the quad and think, Oh my God!

All: These kids are so much younger than me!

"From Christmas Eve and Brian's wedding"

Nicky: So yes, definitely, I would say that my buddy Rod is indeed, a closeted homosexual!

Rod: Nicky! How could you say that about me?!

Nicky: Uhhh, hi Rod! No, all I said was 'Yes, definitely, I would say that my buddy Rod has... an undescended testicle!'

Rod: AH! No! I heard you!

Nicky: Oh gee, I'm sorry Rod...

Rod: Uh..! Uh..! Well, I am not a closeted... homo-whatever!

"My Girlfriend Who Lives in Canada"

Rod: Oh, I wish you could meet my girlfriend. My girlfriend who lives in Canada. She couldn't be sweeter, I wish you could meet her! My girlfriend who lives in Canada! Her name is Alberta, she lives in Vancouver. She cooks like my mother and sucks like a hoover! Haha! I e-mail her every single day just to make sure that everything's okay! It's a pity she lives so far away in Canada! Last week she was here, but she had the flu. Too bad 'cause I wanted to introduce her to you. It's so sad but there wasn't a thing that she could do but stay in bed- with her legs up over her head! Oh! I wish you could meet my girlfriend, but you can't 'cause she is in Canada! I love her, I miss her, I can't wait to kiss her, so soon I'll be off to Alberta! (pause) I mean Vancouver! Sh*t... Her name is Alberta, she lives in Vancouv-- She's my girlfriend! My wonderful girlfriend! Yes, I have a girlfriend who lives in Canada! And I can't wait to eat her p***y again!

"School For Monsters"

Trekkie Monster: Me give you ten million dollars!

Princeton: Trekkie! Where did you get all that money?!

Trekkie Monster: In volatile market, only stable investment is porn!

"There is life outside your appartment"

Lady on a building: I'm gonna jump!

All: Don't do it!

Lady on a building: O.K!

In between songs

Bad Idea Bear: Buy a whole case!

Princeton: A case of beers? No, I can't get a whole case.

Bad Idea Bear: But you're on a budget! You're wasting money in the long run if you don't buy in bulk!

-----

Kate: Hello?

Mrs. Thistletwat: Good afternoon, Katherine. If you may recall that you were supposed to teach my class this morning while I got my heart replaced. You left the children unattended for three hours! They created their own tribal society and were about to sacrifice poor little Brittany! Where were you?

Kate: I overslept! I'm so sorry!

Mrs. Thistletwat: I should never have hired a monster.

Kate: What?

Mrs. Thistletwat: Your race is notoriously lazy!

Kate: Well, better a monster than a crabby old bitch!

Mrs. Thistletwat: Crabby old bitches are the backbone of this nation!

At The Around the Clock Cafe

Lucy: I still haven't figured out where I' gonna crash tonight.
Bear: In a bush!
Lucy: I dated a monster once, but got sick of pickin' the fur outta my teeth.
Kate: If your teeth are the problem, I can take out a couple.
Bear: Why don't you play a drinking game? They are a recipe for fun.
Kate: I don't know any, do you Princeton?
Bear: I do! It's called "I Bet I Can Drink This Faster Than You Can." GO!
Lucy: (after she finishes singing) Thank you gentlemen and...(short pause) obstacles to those gentlemen.

For Now

All: SEX is only for now, YOUR HAIR is only for now, GEORGE BUSH is only for now!

All: Don't stress relax let life roll off your back exept for death and paying taxes everything in life is only for now.