Primary and secondary (relationship)
Encyclopedia
Primary and secondary are words used by some polyamorists
to distinguish between different degrees of relationship
and to describe participants in those relationships (e.g. "John is my primary").
These terms indicate degrees of entanglement and involvement: 'primary' generally indicates a closer degree of involvement than 'secondary', and 'secondary' closer than 'tertiary'. Usage varies between describing a type or "class" of relationship (which could for example involve situations with multiple primaries, or with secondaries but no primaries), or a 1-2-3 ranking of importance (in which case the most important single relationship, even if casual, would be "primary"; and lesser involvements would be secondary or tertiary in order).
The type of entanglement/involvement described varies according to the speaker. There is no single universally-accepted definition, but the terms generally refer to one or more of the following:
(Within the "class of relationship" usage, it is not always the case that the existence of a primary relationship excludes the possibility of other primary relationships; some polyamorists consider themselves to have more than one primary relationship, perhaps along with one or more secondaries. Some polyamorists may also consider themselves to currently have only secondary relationships, and may or may not be seeking primary relationship(s). Within the strict "ranking" usage there can usually by definition be only one primary partner, and one secondary, etc. Some polyamorists use a mixture of these usages - for example defining their largest involvement as "primary" by rank, while lumping all others as "secondary" by class.)
'Primary/secondary/tertiary' terminology is not universally accepted among polyamorists. Some consider the terms (or some usages of the terms) as demeaning to 'secondaries' and 'tertiaries', or as an undesirable form of pigeonholing
, and so prefer not to classify their relationships in this way.
Among those who use these terms, the issue of prescription and description arises. Most prefer to take a descriptive approach, using these terms to convey the nature of their relationships to others but not to decide the nature of those relationships. However, some also use them prescriptively. The distinction may be understood by comparing examples. From the "class of relationship" usage:
From the "ranking" usage:
Polyamory
Polyamory is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved....
to distinguish between different degrees of relationship
Interpersonal relationship
An interpersonal relationship is an association between two or more people that may range from fleeting to enduring. This association may be based on limerence, love, solidarity, regular business interactions, or some other type of social commitment. Interpersonal relationships are formed in the...
and to describe participants in those relationships (e.g. "John is my primary").
These terms indicate degrees of entanglement and involvement: 'primary' generally indicates a closer degree of involvement than 'secondary', and 'secondary' closer than 'tertiary'. Usage varies between describing a type or "class" of relationship (which could for example involve situations with multiple primaries, or with secondaries but no primaries), or a 1-2-3 ranking of importance (in which case the most important single relationship, even if casual, would be "primary"; and lesser involvements would be secondary or tertiary in order).
The type of entanglement/involvement described varies according to the speaker. There is no single universally-accepted definition, but the terms generally refer to one or more of the following:
- Emotional involvement: the intensity or depth of participants' feelings for one another.
- Logistic involvement: living and financial arrangements, shared child-rearing, etc.
- Ground rules within relationships: participants might agree that the maintenance of a particular relationship takes priority over others, making that relationship 'primary'.
(Within the "class of relationship" usage, it is not always the case that the existence of a primary relationship excludes the possibility of other primary relationships; some polyamorists consider themselves to have more than one primary relationship, perhaps along with one or more secondaries. Some polyamorists may also consider themselves to currently have only secondary relationships, and may or may not be seeking primary relationship(s). Within the strict "ranking" usage there can usually by definition be only one primary partner, and one secondary, etc. Some polyamorists use a mixture of these usages - for example defining their largest involvement as "primary" by rank, while lumping all others as "secondary" by class.)
'Primary/secondary/tertiary' terminology is not universally accepted among polyamorists. Some consider the terms (or some usages of the terms) as demeaning to 'secondaries' and 'tertiaries', or as an undesirable form of pigeonholing
Pigeonholing
Pigeonholing is a term used to describe processes that attempt to classify disparate entities into a small number of categories ....
, and so prefer not to classify their relationships in this way.
Among those who use these terms, the issue of prescription and description arises. Most prefer to take a descriptive approach, using these terms to convey the nature of their relationships to others but not to decide the nature of those relationships. However, some also use them prescriptively. The distinction may be understood by comparing examples. From the "class of relationship" usage:
- I raise children and share finances with my wife, Alice, so she is a primary partner.
- Alice is my primary partner, therefore I should place my relationship with her ahead of that with Jane.
From the "ranking" usage:
- I have begun spending more time with Alice than with Jane, so Alice is becoming my primary partner.
- I spend more time with my primary partner Alice, so I should be emotionally closer with her (or vice versa).
External links
- A Bouquet of Lovers Example of prescriptive use of primary/secondary terminology
- An Analysis of Bouquet Arguments against Bouquet's primary/secondary model