Strangers with Candy Quotations

Strangers with Candy was an American sitcom that aired thirty episodes (in three seasons of ten episodes each) on Comedy Central. The show was a parody of the afterschool special phenomena of the 1970s and 1980s. The series' main character, Jerri Blank (played by Amy Sedaris), was a runaway returning to high school as a freshman at the age of 46.

Opening Credits

Jerri Blank: Hello, I'm Jerri Blank. Thirty-two years ago I dropped out of high school and ran away from home. Oh, I made a lot of friends... did a lot of time. I was a boozer, a user and a loser. I stole the TV... Did some more time. But now I'm back in school! And though the faces may have changed, the hassles are just the same.

Old Habits, New Beginnings [1.1]

Jerri: Hello. I'm Jerri Blank, and I'm a forty-six year-old high school freshman. For thirty-two years I was a teenage runaway. I was a boozer, a user and a loser. My friends were dealers, cons and eighteen-karat pimps. But now, I'm out of jail, picking up my life exactly where I left off. I'm back in high school, living at home and discovering all sorts of things about my body. I'm finding out that though the faces have changed, the hassles are just the same.

Poppy Downes: And meanwhile, our brothers from the east were eating bowls of rice safely nestled in their internment camps.

Chuck Noblet: Excellent report, Poppy. It's important that we never forget the atrocities the Japanese committed against our boys.

Jerri: [standing in front of the class] History has taught us many things. For example: I can't smoke one stick of pot or take one needle of coke. One night – I'll make this quick – one night, I was thrown by a horse and I had to have a laminectomy...

Noblet: Thank you, Jerri.

Jerri: ...now you all know the size of a king-size sheet, right? Well, you try scrambling down that in the dark after a boot of scag or a snort of horse...

Noblet: Really, Jerri, that's fine. What was your report on again?

Jerri: Brazil.

Jerri: If I don’t graduate by the time I'm 50, I'll be the laughingstock of Flatpoint High!

Noblet: Jerri, let me give you a little advice: No one makes friends with a failure. Okay? Understand? Now you run along and have fun. Bye-bye. Lock the door.

Jerri: Who wants to go to a cockfight?! I'll drive!

Jerri: Stoney and I would go over to Buckle's and Puff would turn us on to a hot load of mescaline crumbled into a tumbler of ether with a float of Percocet jimmies. I’d wake up with blood on my ass, and then we'd get high. Those were some good times!

Sara Blank: Poppy Downes is in a coma? What a shame. You know, if she doesn't pull through, I’ll have the Widows' League send over some casseroles. They need comfort food.

Jerri: [repeated line] I got something to say!

A Burden's Burden [1.2]

Jerri: But I've had plenty of babies! Just none I've carried to full term.

Geoffrey Jellineck: It doesn't matter when you get here - just what time.

Orlando Pinatubo: Mr. Jellineck! I can't form the pot!

Jellineck: Easy there. OK, look... Grasp the pot like you would a mischievous child's neck. Go on, dig your thumbs in there like you're gouging out the eyes of an enemy.

Jerri: Is that how they say 'hi' in Whoreville?

Jerri: Pee on me.

Jerri: It was a lot easier being a single mother when I was the father.

Dreams on the Rocks [1.3]

Jerri: I cried when I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. And then I laughed... really hard.

[On Sara's alcoholism.]

Jerri: I'm dealing with this the same way I dealt with my own alcoholism and drug addiction: With lies and delusion.

[Jerri attempts to extinguish a fire with the contents of Sara's mug, but instead ends up fueling the flames.]

Jerri: What was in that?!

Sara: Breakfast!

Jerri: Well, what kind of breakfast was that?

Sara: A cup of rum cake... We just ran out of flour.

Craig: You need to face the fact that your mother is an alcoholic. But that doesn't mean that she doesn't love you.

Jerri: No, I've heard her say plenty of times that she doesn't love me.

Craig: She was probably drunk.

Jerri: No, I'm pretty sure she was sober.

Noblet: Following his violent revolution, Gandhi was devoured by his followers.

Sara: [to Noblet] Hoo hoo! "Chuck"! You know what that rhymes with...

Sara: But I'm not an alcoholic! I can stop whenever I want! What, you don't believe me? Well, if you're such a good listener, why don’t you watch this? Say goodbye to my mixers!

Who Wants Cake [1.4]

Jerri: Packing a Musket, by Jerri Blank. When you work from your home and johns call on the phone, you're a call girl. When you walk till you limp and give a cut to a pimp, you're a street whore. When they're begging ya "please," to get down on your knees, near their groinage, 'scusa me, but ya see, don't ya touch where they pee, without coinage.

Noblet: Thank you, Jerri, that'll be...

Jerri: When I straddle and squat, to show you my... [bell rings, drowning Jerri's voice out]

Noblet: All right, everybody. For tomorrow, I want you to write a history poem on Hiroshima. But nothing too [writing on blackboard] faggy.

Noblet: Oh, and remember I need the permission slips for this week's trip to Good Time Island.

Student: Where's your permission slip?

Noblet: SHUT YOUR DIRTY LITTLE MOUTH.

Wilford Brimley: [on tape] Hi. This is Wilford Brimley. Welcome to Retardation: A Celebration. Now, hopefully with this book, I'm gonna dispel a few myths, a few rumors. First off, the retarded don't rule the night. They don't rule it. Nobody does. And they don't run in packs. And while they may not be as strong as apes, don't lock eyes with 'em, don't do it. Puts 'em on edge. They might go into berzerker mode; come at you like a whirling dervish, all fists and elbows. You might be screaming "No, no, no" and all they hear is "Who wants cake?" Let me tell you something: They all do. They all want cake.

Jerri: Mr. Noblet wants me to snitch on a friend.

Jellineck: Snitching doesn’t seem like you, Jerri.

Jerri: Oh, it’s not what you think. It’s not like snitching on a real person. She's--

Jellineck: Gay?

Jerri: Retarded.

Jellineck: Yes, most of them are.

Jerri: Most who are what?

Jellineck: Most gay people are retarded.

Jerri: Does that mean Kimberly Timbers is gay?

Jellineck: I don’t know. Hey! Make a pass at her and find out. She'd have to be retarded to turn you down.

Sara: What I'd like to know is, why are there retarded people in school with my daughter?

Principal Onyx Blackman: Mrs. Blank, we're doing our best to weed them out, but some of these retards are extremely clever.

Jerri: I've changed. People change. Changes... I'm not the same Jerri Blank who informed on those blind orphans. I'm not the same Jerri Blank who revealed the hiding place of those Guatemalans... such as yourself. And I'm not the same Jerri Blank who took a crap in the Fleishmanns' holly bushes... last night.

Bogie Nights [1.5]

Noblet: Before we leave, that is Ricky, he's a new student here at Flatpoint... Now, I want you to treat Ricky like you would any other student you know nothing about and who evidently feels he can walk into my classroom in the middle of the semester and expect me to change my lesson plan.

Blackman: Talk your monkey ass off.

Jerri: Florida: Beautiful weather. Harsh penal system...

Jellineck: If wishes and buts were clusters of nuts, we'd all have a bowl of granola!

Jerri: I did things I wouldn't force on a mule, and that includes things I forced on a mule.

Jerri: Befriending new people can lead to having sex with your children, accidentally.

Ricky: You gave me away?

Jerri: No, no, never! I traded you for a guitar. And all these years I've wondered, what happened to that guitar?

Let Freedom Ring [1.6]

Jerri: I like the pole and the hole, and right now I'm as moist as a snack cake down there. So, why don't you come over to my crib after school, and I'll make your pinky aaaall stinky.

Jerri: How's it goin', Susie? Nice camel-toe.

Jerri: I do like black people! It just took a white one to prove it to me.

Feather in the Storm [1.7]

Noblet: You can't unfry things, Jerri.

Jellineck: Your daughter has a disease we call... anorexia.

Sara: Is that contagious?

Jellineck: Yes. It often sweeps through third world countries that are stricken by drought.

Jellineck: [to Stew] Simmer down... Stew. Obviously you have a beef, Stew, but please don't stir things up.

Jellineck: Let him talk!

Stew: Him who?

Jellineck: Him me!

Jellineck: I've gotta run but as soon as you're ready to talk about your family problems with an art teacher you can call me.

[The class is making models of themselves using clay. Jerri's is cartoonishly fat and bulging.]

Jellineck: Jerri, is this how you imagine yourself?

Jerri: No, I ran out of clay.

To Be Young, Gifted and Blank [1.8]

Noblet: [seeing Jerri's scarred hands] Arghh! My hands!

Jerri: But they're mine!

Noblet: What's the difference?

Noblet: Jerri, you did better than good... you did gooder.

Jerri: Is this not what you don't want me not to do?

Jerri is Only Skin Deep [1.9]

Jerri: You know, high school is a lot like the slammer. The food sucks, they tell you where to go and how to do it. And if someone tries to make you their bitch, you just stick them with a shiv in the showers.

[Jerri doesn't think she's pretty enough to be homecoming queen.]

Orlando: In my country you'd be a real queen.

Jerri: Yeah, well that's 'cause your country's run by monkeys.

Noblet: [reading aloud from a note confiscated from Jerri] "My vagina is on fire. I'm trying not to scratch it, Orlando, I'm afraid it will get infected. P.S. I just know I'm going to win homecoming queen. That will show those sons of bitches, especially Noblet, that homo-" Jerri, see me after class.

Noblet: Jerri, I know you want to be homecoming queen. We all want to be homecoming queen.

The Trip Back [1.10]

[Sara is holding a Mad Mothers Against Drugs meeting.]

Sara: You can't help a drug addict until they've hit rock bottom. And sometimes it's important to help the process along. You dig a hole in the yard and cover it with sticks and leaves, put glass in their slippers...

Woman: Cut the brake cable in their car...

Sara: Exactly. Cut the brake cable in their car. The point is to help them hurt themselves.

Noblet: In answer to the question, what was the Magna Carta, you wrote "Planet Zoot." And in response to the query, what was the capital of France during the Nazi occupation, you traced your hand.

Jerri: Oh yeah, I drew a beak on my thumb there. Oh! It’s a turkey! It must've been the holidays.

Noblet: It was yesterday, Jerri.

Jellineck: Look, all I'm saying is if you still wanna smoke pot then be prepared to spend a lot of time laughing with your friends.

Yes, You Can't! [2.1]

Dr. Iris Puffybush: Dreams are a great thing, but, you know, something? They take a lot of energy. But that's ok. There's a job waiting for you down the block from your house that doesn't require a thought in your head or a hope in your heart. So... come on down and work for the artificial flower factory. Why fight it!

Jerri: I'm confused. Dreams... What are mine?

Noblet: I don’t know, Jerri. It's your future. What do you want to do in the future?

Jerri: Go to my locker.

Noblet: I mean way down the line, Jerri. I want you to think far into the future. What are you going to do?

Jerri: Open it.

Jellineck: My whole teaching career is a farce, wrapped in a masquerade, smothered in a facade frosting.

Jellineck: I was a complete zero, Jerri.

Jerri: And now?

Jellineck: Well, and now you can multiply that zero by a hundred!

Jerri: Wow, that must be a lot.

Noblet: Why are you pushing me away?

Jellineck: I'm not pushing you away. I'm pulling me towards myself.

Jerri: That's it Orlando, that's what I want to be! A robot!

Jerri: Cancer. That's hilarious.

Behind Blank Eyes [2.2]

Derrick: Let's go watch some gay porn so we can get our hate back.

Sara: This has nothing to do with you Alan. We just need to talk about you someplace where you can't hear us.

[Principal Blackman leads the team in prayer before the big game.]

Blackman: Dear Lord, thank you for giving this game your undivided attention. We'll try to be brief so you can return your energies to the movement of the stars and the condemnation of the Jews. Please hand us an easy victory. I'm not saying that if we lose we'll turn away. But do you really want to take that risk? And finally, just as you cured the blind, thank you for curing this team of the blind. Oh, and, uh, forgive me for that thing I did with the thing. Amen.

Jerri: I hope you're all happy, keeping Alan off the team. Couldn't you, for once, open your minds and hearts and hear something that he couldn't see? I, for one, am glad that Alan is blind, so he can't see what, I am so sad to say, you can't hear.

The Virgin Jerri [2.3]

Blackman: You must be about as worn out as a hooker on VJ Day.

----

Jerri: Drake! Why did you spread those vicious lies?

Drake Rogers: 'Cause you didn't spread those vicious thighs.

----

Tammi: I've got something that boys want and they can't have it.

Jerri: Really? How about girls?

Tammi: What?

Jerri: Nothing. Just testing the waters.

The Goodbye Guy [2.4]

Tammi: I don't mean to seem insensitive, but wasn't your father torn to shreds by wild dogs?

Jerri: [on her father's death] Maybe I am in denial... unless of course, he's alive!

Sara: I do appreciate your lovely sentiments, Mr. Blackman, but I should tell you that Guy’s last wish was that "no darkies" attend his wake.

Jellineck: I was just pawing at your dead father a moment ago and it really helped.

Jerri: You know, I think I saw him today. He was waiting for a bus and I screamed, "Daddy! Daddy! You're not dead!" But I think he had to go somewhere, because he ran away really fast.

Cassie Pines: Naturally, as student counselor my first responsibility is to the teachers.

Cassie Pines: Just because your dad was killed in some freak accident nobody can have one!? Well, I'll tell you something. My daddy's alive and yours is dead and ain't nothing gonna change that!

Blackman: [upon walking into the cafeteria] Good Lord! Is this where they eat?! Tell me this is some kind of holding cell for miscreants.

Hit and Run [2.5]

Blackman: Noblet... why are you crying? It's only a melon. Just a lonely melon... no other melons around, not a patch in sight. What's it doing out here? And why is it carrying a picnic basket with two of everything: two portobella mushroom sandwiches, two maccaroons... Who would abandon a faceless melon? Can you imagine how that melon must've felt Noblet? Can you imagine?

Blackman: If one of my teachers loses his face, I lose face!

Blackman: [excusing himself from Jellineck's bedside in the hospital] I've got to go see a student in the maternity ward.

Noblet: [weeping wretchedly] Those lips! Oh, those pillowy lips!

Blackman: Don't make me put my rings on!

Blackman: Block the door with your budding femininity!

Blackman: [to students visiting Jellineck] Do not cry out in terror if you gaze upon the grossly misshapen mass that was once his head. Act natural. No matter how strongly your monkey reflexes might kick in telling you to flee in terror. Now, I'll go see if he's ready. [Blackman goes into Jellineck's ward] Sweet Jesus, protect me!

The Blank Page [2.6]

Noblet: All right, anyone who doesn't not want to avoid passing the midterm exam, raise your hand now. [Pause. Several hands go up hesitantly.] Okay. Those of you who raised your hands will fail, as you requested.

Jerri: Maybe it's time to stop not doing what you pretended you can do and can't, and start doing the thing that you can't do, but can no longer pretend that you can.

Blackman: I'm an obtuse man, so I'll try to be oblique. Your illiteracy has made me the whipping boy of this school district. I attended the school board meeting this morning, and they all had their little laugh. It was a feeding frenzy of cackling hyenas, and I was the wildebeest carcass.

To Love, Honor and Pretend [2.7]

Jerri: [to her pretend husband] You don't wanna beat me or screw me!? What kind of marriage is this? Bring a book.

Jellineck: GODDAMMIT! You're picking at my brain like a jackal!

Jerri: What's it like being a whore? Wait a minute, I know that one.

The Blank Stare: Part 1 [2.8]

Jerri: Hello, ladies, what are you doing?

Popular girl: We were just wondering why you'd come talk to us.

Jerri: I want to know what plans you have for Fri-Sat-Sund.

Popular girl: Well, first we're going to avoid you. Then after that we thought we'd shun you and then we're going to a party. Hey! Why don't you not come with us!

Sara: Oh Jerri, I didn't know you were coming home this early. We would've left sooner.

Jerri: Where are we going?

Sara: Well, if by "we" you mean Derrick and I, the answer is a family getaway to Good Time Island!

Jerri: [excited] Good Time Island?!

Sara: Oh, did I remember not to tell you?

Derrick: Check it out, troll--An all-access pass with full release!

Jerri: I'll go pack my things!

Sara: Oh, I'm sorry, Jerri, you know the car only has room for four and we already have two.

[Jerri is puzzling over what to do next.]

Jerri: I know! I'll feed my baby... Oh, that's right. My baby's an imaginary creation to fight the ravages of loneliness.

Rebecca: My name's Rebecca. What's yours, Jerri?

Jerri: Jerri. What's yours, Rebecca?

Rebecca: Rebecca.

Jerri: What kind of place is this?

Rebecca: Oh, it's just a collective cooperative community service operation outreach program project.

Jerri: Okay, as long as you’re not a cult.

Jerri: So where are we? I must've fallen asleep after you slipped me those pills and put on that blindfold.

Jerri: Maybe I should head home.

Rebecca: Home to what, Jerri? A family that doesn't care and friends who don't love you?

Jerri: Well, technically, it's my friends who don't care and my family that doesn't love me.

Jerri: I wanna go home!

Father: Fine. You're not a prisoner here. There are no bars on our electrified fences. We don't have attack dogs in our alligator-infested swamps surrounding this compound.

The Blank Stare: Part 2 [2.9]

[Noblet attempts to infiltrate the cult to gain information on where Jerri is.]

Noblet: [casually] So, what are you selling here?

Cult member: Flowers. Do you need someone to love you?

Noblet: [breaking down instantly] Oh God, yes, desperately! I'm so lonely!

Cult member: Would you like to come with us?

Noblet: I'll go anywhere you want and do anything you say! Just love me. Oh, I should tell you, I'm a plant. They're watching us. [points to where Blackman, Jellineck and Orlando are hiding] We're looking for Jerri. I'm her teacher and that's her principal - they don't know anything about love.

Cult member: I don't think you can come with us.

Noblet: What? No! Please! I need you!

Blackman: [yelling] Noblet! What are you doing?!

Noblet: I'm sorry. I just wasn't prepared for that kind of onslaught.

Blackman: In order to enhance your individuality to conformity, I'm instituting a dress code based on your own requests that I imagine you would have requested had I asked for your requests.

Jerri: I poisoned all the grain and the water. We'll be ready to kill ourselves when the devil's henchmen come on the day of judgement.

Father: But that's the only food we have! What are we supposed to eat now?!

Jerri: All the other only food we have.

Jellineck: Mrs. Blank, I think it's time someone who truly loves her try to reach her.

Sara: No, I think I should.

[Jellineck attempts to deprogram Jerri.]

Jellineck: Hey, Jerri! I know you're in there. Listen, I have no idea what you went through. I don't have any answers, I'm not acting in your best interests. Why won't you trust me?

Jerri: I wanna go back! Those people care about me!

Jellineck: Yes, maybe that's true. But do they care about me? I don't think so. Do you see the flaw in your logic now?

Jerri: No.

Jellineck: Agh! I can't reach her! She's lost in some frightening world that isn't centered around me!

Jellineck: Perhaps Chuck could get through to her. He was in the cult for 45 seconds, he knows.

Noblet: I'll try, but we'll need to be alone.

Blackman: All right, everybody out.

[Everybody else exits, leaving Noblet alone with Jerri.]

Noblet: Thank you. Thank you. [waits until everybody has left, then turns quickly to Jerri] Okay, Jerri, let's go!

Jerri: Where?

Noblet: [tugging on her arm] Back to the cult!

Jerri: How?

Noblet: [opening the furnace] Through the furnace and then out through the air shaft!

Jerri: We'll burn to death!

Noblet: Father will protect us! Where is your faith, woman?!

Jerri's Burning Issue [3.1]

Dr. Zorders: Jerri, I have some bad news. You have syphilis.

Jerri: No!

Dr. Zorders: Not only that, it appears your syphilis is infested with crabs that are carrying gonorrhea. Don't you use condoms?

Jerri: Look, doc, I go all natural. That's why my prices are so high.

Dr. Zorders: That's pretty irresponsible. But, thanks to Penicillin, there's no need to act responsible. Penicillin is nature's condom!

Dr. Zorders: Jerri, you're not hearing what I'm saying.

Jerri: Oh, that's okay, Doc, 'cause you're not saying what I'm hearing.

Jerri: Do a lot of the people die of syphilis?

Noblet: Oh, absolutely. Historically, syphilis is right up there with Germans. It wiped out the Romanovs, it decimated our fleet at Pearl Harbor, and of course, Fidel Castro impersonated Marilyn Monroe and gave President Kennedy a case of syphilis so severe that eventually it blew the back of his head off.

Jerri: How was the city of Pompeii lost?

Jellineck: No one knows. It was buried under tons of lava, which of course destroyed all the records.

Is Freedom Free? [3.2]

Jellineck: We'll go on a hunger strike, together!

Jerri: Really?

Jellineck: Yeah! You won't eat and I won't feed you!

Trail of Tears [3.3]

Jerri: Orlando, you can't be a pilgrim. The pilgrims had snowy white skin to match their pure Christian souls. They didn't sacrifice coconuts to their monkey gods.

Jerri: I'm not adopted and I'm not an Indian. It's just a coincidence that I have a love of gambling and booze and a knack for catching syphilis.

Invisible Love [3.6]

Noblet: Hey, mister, eyes on your own test.

Student: But we're not taking a test.

Noblet: I can fix that right now. Okay, everybody get out a piece of paper! Hey, don't get angry with me, blame Mister Nosy-Eyes here. Question number one: Explain Western history. Be specific; support your answer.

Jerri: Have you seen my mother?

Stew: Which one? The real one, the dead one, or the one I'm having sex with?

[At the make-out party.]

Blackman: Maybe you care to partner up. I happen to know plenty of mature, eligible mes.

Sara: That's a very kind offer, Principal, but I strongly oppose racial commingling.

Blackman: I'm with you 100 percent, except, of course, for my uncontrollable desire for middle-aged white women.

Jerri: I've recently learned something about self-respect... I don't have any.

Bully [3.9]

Noblet: You're new here, so let me lay it down for ya. I run a pretty tight ship around here. That's why the students call me "The Hammer".

Orlando: We don't call you that.

Noblet: Shut up.

Jellineck: Some have called me a coward, but others have called me a pussy. Understand?

Coach Wolf: Today as you can see we're having class in the gym. It's important to keep a trim figure through exercise, starving yourself, and later: plastic surgery. OK, why don't you all uh.. wander around without any supervision and acquaint yourselves with some of this dangerous equipment.

The Last Temptation of Blank [3.10]

Noblet:As it is the end of our school year, I thought it would be be-hoovy if I used my final lesson to talk about eschatology, or the study of the end of things. Now, I asked my lover, Mr. Jellineck, to make some transparencies.

Jellineck: He's just kidding, we're not lovers. We just have sex.

Noblet: Hot, ass-thumping sex.

Fran: The only reason you're cool is that you're a little satellite circling the planet Frosty. Surface temperature: zero degrees Franenheit.

Fran: Look Jerri, as long as you're with me, you'll never go bad, because I've got you stored in my crisper, and the refrangerator is always dialed up to 9.

Fran: Jerri, you're going to have to choose whether to stay here and be uncool in loser-land or to follow me into Frantarctica!

Blackman: Lead on, you stupid junkie whore!

Cast

Amy Sedaris - Jerri Blank
Stephen Colbert - Chuck Noblet
Paul Dinello - Geoffrey Jellineck
Greg Hollimon - Onyx Blackman
Deborah Rush - Sara Blank
Larc Spies - Derrick Blank