Sourced

• You just threw cheese at Sam & Mark. Don't you think they've suffered enough?!
  • Brit Awards Red Carpet 2005

Never Mind the Buzzcocks

• Come on, people, it's fucking Christmas!
• From all of us here, whichever religion you are, remember, only one can be right, so...let's have a war! Happy Christmas!
  • Never Mind The Buzzcocks Christmas Special

• Penny Smith: Spitting... it would never happen on GMTV.
  Simon Amstell: Nothing happens on GMTV.
• Jordan's third favourite tit and second favourite twat - it's Peter Andre!
• Simon Amstell: So Penny, you used to do a fashion column for the Daily Mail, didn't you?
  Penny Smith: Yes I've done many strange things in my time.
  Simon Amstell: So what does one wear to a lynching?
  • Never Mind The Buzzcocks Series 19, episode 4

• "Smack my bitch up" doesn't actually mean "beat up my girlfriend." It's actually just pimp slang for getting your act together. Similarly tonight, I'm going to set fire to some orphans and eat their charred remains, have a cup of tea and a bath!
• Donny Tourette: This is what I think of you. (fondles crotch)
  Simon Amstell: Really? You think of me, a small penis? Well I never.
  • Never Mind The Buzzcocks Series 20, episode 2

• • (Donny Tourette lights a cigarette)
  • Simon Amstell What! Donny is smoking now! What will he do next? A cigarette! That you can LEGALLY buy in shops! I'll try to carry on but I'm shocked and appalled!
  • Noel Fielding I'll cut the stuffing out your pillow.
  • Simon Amstell What? With a pair of scissors made of glitter?!
  • Noel Fielding No. With a motorbike made of jealousy.
  • Never Mind The Buzzcocks Series 20, episode 2

• (about Preston walking out) If people start turning their backs on comedy, and walking off panel shows, then the terrorists have won.
• I like everything. You know everything? I like it. You know all books? I like them all.
  • Never Mind The Buzzcocks Series 20, episode 4

• • Jonas Armstrong (Talking about the bands Five and E17) What? They (Five) weren't as hard as E17
  • Simon Amstell No, I think E17 were a bit like car thieves
  • Jonas Armstrong Yeah...
  • Simon Amstell Five could've killed

• (about Bonnie Tyler being slightly tipsy on Nevermind the Buzzcocks) "Shall we pump her stomach? I don't know what to do!"

• If you have some problem in your life and you need to deal with it then use religion it's fine. I use Google.
  • Never Mind The Buzzcocks Series 21 Episode 2

• • Simon Amstell They tried to make me go to rehab...
  • Amy Winehouse I said no no no
  • Simon Amstell Correct. But in hindsight do you think yes maybe?
  • Next Lines on Never Mind The Buzzocks Series 14, Episode 10

• • Simon: Melanie C once called Cliff Richard's Millenium Prayer "a pile of old shit"...well someone is going to Hell-Cliff!"

• "Love music. Love racism."
  • Never Mind the Buzzcocks Series 21 Episode 9

• Hello, 50 Cent here. People say my music is gratuitously violent and misogynistic - but what they don't realise is that I'm just talking about where I'm from. And where I'm from, everybody's a vile millionaire rapper and all woman are rubbish sluts.
  • Never Mind the Buzzcocks Series 21 Episode 11

• • Simon Amstell How many toilets do you have?
  • Jermaine Jackson 27.
  • Simon Amstell No! You don't have 27! There aren't enough willies and vaginas in there! ...Or people! I could have said people there.
  • Never Mind The Buzzcocks Series 21 Episode 2#

• • Simon Amstell Let me just explain what happened this week. We had a bit of a problem this week when Lee, from Blue, pulled out at the last minute. I won't say who replaced him. I shouldn't say that, N'Dubz, I shouldn't say that. That would be rude.
  • Noel Fielding What happened to him?
  • Simon Amstell The reason he can't be here tonight is because he's an awful b*****d
  • Never Mind The Buzzcocks Series 21 Episode 3

• • Simon Amstell When I was a kid I used to love Bobby Davro. I also liked self-harm and bedwetting, but, you know...you've gotta have hobbies.
  • Never Mind The Buzzcocks Series 21 Episode 4

Unsourced

• • Simon Amstell Yes, because I am a Homosexual.

• • Simon Amstell Britney Spears defended accusations of exploiting little people by saying shes always been a big fan of "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves".At my birthday, like to exploit some black people but I've always been a big fan of Racism.

• • Simon Amstell[To Amy Winehouse]A nice Jewish Girl.We could have very beautiful children.With very bad hair.

• • Simon Amstell Phil Collins is losing his hearing, making him the luckiest man at a Phil Collins Concert

• • Germaine Greer You know donkeys are phenomenly well endowed, is this true about yourself? You have a big nose, which is promising.
  • Simon Amstell The nose is only an indication that the penis will be circumcised.