Shrek

• Listen Artie, eh, if you think this whole mad scene ain't dope, I feel you dude. I mean, I'm not trying to get all up in your grill, raise your roof or whatever.
• (While Artie begs to Merlin to take them back) Have a heart, old man.
• I see...a rainbow pony.

Donkey

• (singing to Shrek and Fiona) Good morning...good morning...to you and you and yooooou.
• (after seeing the villains, with Captain Hook on a piano) Look out! They got a piano!
• (discovering Shrek nude in bed) AAAAH!! You know, you really need to get yourself a pair of jammies.
• (at the end of Shrek's dream sequence, with an ogre baby head) Dada.
• (in Puss's body) How in the Hans Christen Andersen am I supposed to parade around in these goofy boots?!

Arthur

• (to Shrek) Please don't eat me!
• (after Shrek tries to talk to him with cliched teenager lingo) HELP! I'VE BEEN KIDNAPPED BY A MONSTER WHO'S TRYING TO RELATE TO ME!

Others

• Snow White: Everybody keep calm...WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!! (before getting slapped by Doris)
• Captain Hook: Avast, ye cookie. Start talking.

Dialogue

Prince Charming: You. You can't lie. So tell me, puppet, where is Shrek?

Pinocchio: Uh, hmm, well, uh, I don't know where he's not.

Prince Charming: You're telling me you don't know where Shrek is?

Pinocchio: It wouldn’t be inaccurate to assume that I couldn’t exactly not say that it is or isn’t almost partially incorrect.

Prince Charming:- So you do know where he is?

Pinocchio: Oh, on the contrary. I'm possibly more or less not definitely rejecting the idea that in no way with any amount of uncertainty that I undeniably...

Prince Charming: Stop it!

Pinocchio: ...do or do not know where he shouldn’t probably be, if that indeed wasn’t where he isn’t. Even if he wasn’t at where I knew he was, that’d mean I’d really have to know where he wasn't.

Puss in Boots (Donkey): Oh, man. I haven't been on a trip like that since college.

Shrek: Donkey?

Puss in Boots (Donkey): What? I got something in my teeth? Huh!? What the...Oh n-no! I've been abracadabra-ed into a fancy-feasting, second-rate sidekick!

Donkey (Puss in Boots): Oh, at least you don't look like some kind of a bloated roadside piñata! You should really go on a diet!

Puss In Boots (Donkey): We went to high school, and the boat crashed and we got bibbity-bobbity-booped by the magic man.

Doris: You poor sweet things.

Cinderella: I don't get it.

Snow White: The cat turned into a little horse that smells like feet...What's there to get?

Sleeping Beauty: Who that?

Doris: I know he's a jerk and everything but I gotta admit that Charming makes me hotter than July.

Sleeping Beauty and Rapunzel: Ewwwww!

Snow White: I'm sorry, but this isn't working for me!

Sleeping Beauty: (while being carried by Doris) Everything's always about you, isn't it? It's not like your attitude is helping, Snow!

Snow White: I think it just bothers you that I was voted fairest in the land!

Rapunzel: You mean in that RIGGED election?

Snow White: Oh, give me a break. (dreamy voice) Rapunzel, Rapunzel, (sarcastic voice) let down thy golden extensions.

Queen Lillian: Ladies, let go of your petty complaints and let's work together.

(Rapunzel has betrayed the princesses in order to be with Prince Charming.)

Charming: Say hello to the new queen of Far Far Away!

Cinderella: Yay! (claps)

(Awkward pause)

Fiona: Why?

Rapunzel: Jealous much?

Snow White: Right! Ladies, assume the position!

[Sleeping Beauty falls asleep, Snow White lies down in her coffin pose, and Cinderella seats herself on the floor gazing dreamily into space]

Princess Fiona: What are you doing?

Sleeping Beauty: [Snaps awake] Waiting to be rescued. [falls back asleep]

Prince Charming: This was supposed to be MY happily ever after!!!

Shrek: Well, I guess you better keep looking (looks at Fiona lovingly, then back at Charming)...'cause I'm not giving up mine!

Shrek: (looking at Artie talking with princesses) See, what'd I tell ya? The kid's gonna make a great king.

Fiona: For what it's worth, you would have too.

Shrek: (rubs Fiona's stomach) I have something much more important in mind.

Captain Hook: (looming over a young boy threateningly with his hook) Well, well, well. If it isn't Peter Pan!

Boy's Mother: His name's not Peter!

Captain Hook: Shut it, Wendy.

Artie: (To Shrek) Please don't eat me!

Students and Teacher: (chanting) Eat him, eat him...

Shrek: I'm not here to eat him!

Students and Teacher: Aww...

Shrek: It's time to pack up your toothbrush and jammies. You're the new king of Far Far Away.

Artie: What?

Gingy: I hate dinner theatre.

Pinocchio: Me too. [his nose grows]

Rapunzel: Oh pookykins, you said you wouldn't hurt them.

Prince Charming: Not now, kitten whiskers.

Taglines

• And They Lived Happily Never After.
• He's In For The Royal Treatment.
• The Wait Is Ogre.