Season 1 Quotes

• Terry: Have you ever had skittles? They're like pure sugar!

• Officer Garcia has been shot

Deputy James Garcia: Oh, God, call for help.

Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Help. Help.

Deputy James Garcia: Use your goddamn radio.

• repeated line

Deputy Raineesha Williams: White people are crazy.

• repeated line

Deputy Raineesha Williams: Ya know what I'm sayin'?

• Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Lt. Dangle and I have a very special relationship. We're like a brother and sister... except a brother and sister who have sex.

• Talking to a Klan member

Deputy Jones: Ok, let me tell you... D.T.A.M.S: Don't take another motherfucking step.

• Terry: I heard a rumor.

Deputy Trudy Wiegel: What's that, Ter?

Terry: Mexican werewolves are coming up from Mexico and selling crack.

• Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Hey Terry, Sheriff's Department!

Terry: Hey Guys!

Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Hey.

Terry: Whats goin' down?

Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Well, I'll tell ya' whats goin' down Terry, you know that they've installed a camera right here at this red light here.

Terry: Oh my god!

Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Yeah, and it takes a picture whenever someone runs a red light.

Terry: Oh wow, that's awesome, it's like the future is here.

Lieutenant Jim Dangle: It is awesome.

Deputy Travis Junior: So you know why we're here?

Terry: Why, was there a fire?

Lieutenant Jim Dangle: You've been chargin' three bucks, you run up when the car is at a red light, and you give a HJ during the red light.

Terry: Oh my god, that sounds, that's not something that I would ever do.

Deputy Travis Junior: Except we've got about...

Lieutenant Jim Dangle: We got about 38 photos of you and that's only last night.

Terry: Well, I can see how you would think that, but I sell... oranges.

Deputy Travis Junior: You sell oranges?

Lieutenant Jim Dangle: You sell oranges?

Terry: Mmhm!

Lieutenant Jim Dangle: I'll take some.

Deputy Travis Junior: Yeah, I'd like some too.

Terry: I've sold out, I've sold out of my oranges... I run out and people are like beep beep, I go okay, and say you're driving and I just put it in their lap.

Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Well...

Deputy Junior: I don't know about that.

Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Come on Terry.

Terry: I can't, I have to call my girlfriend... listen I don't even know what you're talking about.

Begins tugging Terry away on his roller skates

Deputy Travis Junior: We're talking about you giving hand jobs at three bucks a pop at this red light up here that's what we're talking about.

Terry: Okay okay, a hand job is still a job, okay?

Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Come on easy does it, Xanadu it right into the car.

Terry: You Xana-Don't it!

Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Did he just say "Xana-Don't it?"

• talking to a junior high class

Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Now, I don't care if you wear mini-skirts. I don't care if you wear Dungarees. I don't care if you're good at basketball, I don't care if you're fun to be around. But you can rest assured that every one of you, at some point, is going to be raped.

• Deputy Garcia: Criminals are the vomit of society and we are the sawdust.

• said of a prostitute

Deputy James Garcia: God vomited and there was Jackie.

• Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Raineesha Williams is a loudmouth, backstabbing, Jew. I wanna say Jew but I think she's in fact very openly Catholic, which I have a problem with, too.

Season 2 Quotes

• (The whole group is in the conference room except Dangle.)

Jones: Who's your guys' best friend in the world?

Garcia: Santa Claus?

Junior: Yeah, that's what I was gonna say, Santa Claus.

Jones: Nope. Jones is your best friend, 'cause guess who's got tickets to the game!

{Everyone cheers}

Jones: We're going to University of Reno!

Williams: To Jonesy! (everyone holds up their coffee mugs in a toast)

Dangle: Hello Gang!

Williams: Good Morning!

Dangle: Good morning indeed, very good morning indeed!

Williams: Yes it is, yes it is.

Dangle: I've been promoted!

All: (unenthusiastically) What?

Williams: Really?

Dangle: I'm going up to Carson City. (everyone cheers) Going to Carson City: Nevada State Police Director of Public Relations, Jim Dangle!

Dangle: I'm goin', girl! And I made some reservations for Friday night, at Dan Swanky's, and thought maybe we could have a farewell dinner at Dan Swanky's at eight. I look forward to seeing you there and I'm going to miss you a whole lot of missing you all!

Johnson: ...I think Saturday is a great day for Dan Swanky's.

Jones: Yeah, I agree.

Dangle: What part about my reservation at Dan Swanky's didn't I make clear? I mean, I made a reservation at eight on Friday.

Jones: Sir, I, uh, I got us all tickets to the Lady Wolfpack, there's a final conference game and, well, this doesn't happen very often... sir.

Dangle: It's mandatory. It's mandatory. How's that?

Jones: Sir, I, uh, it's just...

Dangle: Are we talking about the Lady Wolfpack still?

Jones: I just...

Junior: Could we for a second?

Dangle: Hey, you know what's flying in? (makes helicopter sound) Oh. A period. To your fucking sentence about the Lady Wolfpack, just arrived.

• [In regards to Inspector Smiley, an English transfer to the department for the day as part of the "Badges Across the Water" program.]

Dangle: Smiley reminds me of someone from Mary Poppins... Not Vic, the Chimney Sweep, but another friend of Mary Poppins we never met.

Wiegel: That's funny, because Smiley also reminds me of someone from Merry Poppins. Who, for instance, comes riding in on some sort of jaloppy with Whipped ices, and he says, "Come along, children, I have whipped ices!" And when they get close enough to him, he grabs 'em, and rapes the shit out of 'em, and then tosses them in the back seat, and then, off he goes. And then: "Chip chip cherryoh!"

[Dangle is speechless.]

Other Seasons

Travis: Now that I've said that out loud, it sounds really stupid, so it probably isn't true.