Judy Maxwell

• ...not as much as I am in the metamorphic or sedimentary rock categories. I mean I can take your igneous rocks or leave them. I relate primarily to micas, quartz, feldspar. You can keep your pyroxenes, magnetites and coarse-grained plutonics as far as I'm concerned...
• Eunice!? That's a person named Eunice?
• I love those old Ventegums.
• It so happens, Mr. Simon, that Howard has had discussions with Leonard Bernstein about the possibility of conducting an avalanche ... in E flat.

Dr. Howard Bannister

• ...you are not Burnsy. Burnsy is Burnsy, I mean Eunice is Burnsy, I mean she isn't Burnsy. Nobody is Burnsy.
• It's the television set, Eunice. There's a movie on--a war movie. They're getting dressed for the big battle.
• Well, there's not much to see actually, we're inside a Chinese dragon.

Eunice Burns

• Why, those are Howard's. What on Earth are you doing with Howard Bannister's rocks?
• Don't kick those rocks, you Philistine!

Hugh Simon

• There is an old Croatian saying, Bollixter, which goes...
• I find that story as difficult to swallow as I do this potage au gelée.
• I myself have a little announcement to make, that may be of some interest. My natural curiosity was aroused, an so I did a little research on Mr. Bankister and Miss Burns, and I think--
• The slight mistake, Mesdames and Messieurs, is in the so-called identity of these alleged colleagues. I don't know who he is, but she is definitely not herself.
• For God's sake, don't shoot me, I'm part Italian.

Frederick Larrabee

• This is inexcusable. You can't come in here uninvited.
• Don't you dare strike that brave unbalanced woman!

Fritz

• Snakes, as you know, live in mortal fear of tile.
• You will tell her you are smitten with her, that you had followed her all night, and you will make passionate love to her.

Other

• Taxi Driver: I know how you feel, mister. I hate it when my igneous rocks are even touched!
• Judge Maxwell: You've made me smash my Life Savers.

Dialogue

Eunice: Howard! Howard Bannister! Howard, when I ask for you to wait for me somewhere I expect you to stay there until I come back.

Howard: Yes, Eunice.

Eunice: Now, it is difficult enough for me to have to see to all these arrangements myself...

Howard: Yes, Eunice.

Eunice: It is exactly 6:15. If we reach the hotel in half an hour, we'll have just enough time to get ready for the banquet.

Howard: Yes, Eunice.

Eunice: [to the airport attendant] Put these things in a taxi.

Airport Attendant Yes, Eunice.

Fritz: Young miss, may I help you please?

Judy: Yes, I was wondering if my friends are still here. They're visiting from the um... New Hebrides and I believe they're in Room 1717.

Fritz: I'm sorry, but that room is vacant.

Judy: I don't understand. They told me they would be in Room 1717 at the Hotel Crystal.

Fritz: This is the Bristol, madam, not the Crystal.

Judy: Then one of us must be in the wrong hotel.

Fritz: Ah, Mrs. Van Hoskins. It's so nice to have you back with us.

Mrs. Van Hoskins: Thank you, Hans.

Fritz: Fritz.

Mrs. Van Hoskins: What happened to Hans?

Fritz: There is no Hans, Mrs. Van Hoskins, there is only me, Fritz.

Mrs. Van Hoskins: Oh, what a shame!

Fritz: [ringing his bell] Boy!

Mrs. Van Hoskins: Now Franz, I'm going to take this with me. There are some things I need tonight, and tomorrow I want you to put it in the hotel safe for me.

Howard: [to the bellhop] Don't touch that. Those are my pre-Paleozoic Tambulu rocks.

Fritz: Don't touch his rocks.

Eunice: Where have you been?

Howard: I had a little trouble in the drug store.

Judy: Steve, you didn't tell me you were married.

Howard: We're not married.

Judy: Congratulations.

Eunice: But we will be soon.

Judy: Condolences.

Eunice: [to Howard] Who is this person?

Howard: I haven't the vaguest idea. She was behind a rock in the drug store.

Judy: Oh come on Steve, you can tell her about us.

Eunice: Why is she calling you that name?

Howard: Don't pay any attention to her, Eunice. [turning to Judy] Look, Miss Maxwell--

Eunice: You know her name.

Howard: Eunice, I swear this is a bizarre joke.

Judy: Sure, it's easy for you, everywhere you go, another heart broken--women, women, women. You call it joking. Eunice and I, we call it lust.

Eunice: Don't you know the meaning of propriety?

Judy: Propriety? Noun. Conformity to established standards of behavior or manners, suitability, rightness, or justice. See "etiquette."

Judy: ...it's probably the excitement of meeting you for the first time. I must say, I can feel it myself.

Mr. Larrabee: Oh can you?

Judy: Can I?! My heart is going a mile a minute. Why, you can just feel it pounding. Can't you feel it?

Mr. Larrabee: Yes, I think I can. I... Yes, it's absolutely... it's certainly in there pounding... it's amazing. [to the others at the table] You should feel it gentlemen.

Mr. Larrabee: I must point out that "foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds."

Judy: Emerson!

Mr. Larrabee: I beg your pardon my dear?

Judy: Ralph Waldo Emerson, born 1803, died 1882.

Mr. Larrabee: You like Emerson?

Judy: I adore him!

Mr. Larrabee: I adore anyone who adores Emerson.

Judy: And I adore anyone who adores anyone who adores Emerson. Your turn.

Mr. Kaltenborn: Mr. Bannister, I have a message for you from the staff of the hotel.

Howard: Really? What is it?

Mr. Kaltenborn: Goodbye.

Delivery boy: I want my bike back!

Judge Maxwell: I'll give you your bike back. I'll give you a broken back!

Mr. Larrabee: They broke into my home.

Judge Maxwell: That's breaking and entering.

Mr. Larrabee: And they brought her with them forcibly.

Judge Maxwell: That's kidnapping.

Eunice: They tried to molest me.

Judge Maxwell: That's... unbelievable.

Howard: First, there was this trouble between me and Hugh.

Judge Maxwell: You and me?

Howard: No, not you, Hugh.

Hugh: I am Hugh.

Judge Maxwell: You are me?

Hugh: No, I am Hugh.

Judge Maxwell: Stop saying that. Make him stop saying that.

Hugh: Don't touch me, I'm a doctor.

Judge Maxwell: Of what?

Hugh: Music.

Judge Maxwell: Can you fix a hi-fi?

Hugh: No, sir.

Judge Maxwell: Then shut up!

Judy Maxwell: [Talking so Howard can hear]: Yeah I'm a transfer student. No, not the University -- the Conservatory. Yes, I'm hoping to work with Dr. Howard Bannister. Have you heard of him? Yeah, the nut with the rocks! What's up, Doc?

Howard: Did you know that I love you?

Judy Maxwell: Yes.

Howard: Really?

[They kiss]

Howard: Look, I'm sorry about what I did.

Judy Maxwell: Let me tell you something. Love means never having to say you're sorry.

Howard: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

[They kiss again]

Cast

• Barbra Streisand — Judy Maxwell
• Ryan O'Neal — Dr. Howard Bannister
• Madeline Kahn — Eunice Burns
• Kenneth Mars — Hugh Simon
• Austin Pendleton — Frederick Larrabee