Psychonauts Quotations

Psychonauts is a platform game developed by Double Fine Productions and released on April 19, 2005 for the Microsoft Xbox, the Sony PlayStation 2, and the PC.

Whispering Rock

Coach Morceau Oleander: The Human Mind: 600 miles of synaptic fiber, five and a half ounces of cranial fluid, 1500 grams of complex neural matter... a three-pound pile of dreams. But I'll tell you what it really is. It is the ultimate battlefield--and, the ultimate weapon. The wars of this modern age--The Psychic Age--are fought somewhere between these damp, curvaceous undulations. From this day forward, you are all psychic soldiers. Paranormal paratroopers! Mental marines who are about to ship out on the adventure of their lives! This (points to the brain diagram) is our beachhead! And this [points to his own head] is your landing craft. You shall engage the enemy in his own mentality--you shall chase his dreams, you shall fight his demons, you shall live his nightmares! And those of you who fight well, you will find yourselves on the path to becoming international secret agents-- in other words... Psychonauts!! The rest of you... will die!

[The camera pulls back, and we see that the Coach is actually lecturing a group of terrified children.]

Dogen Boole: Wahhhhh!

Agent Sasha Nein: Oh, Morry.

Agent Milla Vodello: Children, you are not going to die.

Coach Oleander: Well, if you're not a Psychonaut you might as well be dead!

Dogen: [sniffling] They told me this was a summer camp...

Lili Zanotto: Oh, Dogen don't worry about ol' Coach Oleander. I've been coming here for years and trust me, nothing ever happens.

Bobby Zilch: Yeah Dogen, Lili's right! Ya don't got nothin' to worry about. 'Cept for that giant monster in the lake I was tellin' you about.

The Psychonauts capture an intruder.

Milla Vodello: It's just a little boy! What's your name, darling?

Coach Oleander: I'll find out...

[The Coach tries to pry into the boy's mind, but fails.]

Coach Oleander: Can't... get... in!

Sasha Nein: Amazing!

Coach Oleander: Armored like a tank!

Razputin: My name...

Coach Oleander: Starts with a "D"!

Razputin: ...is Razputin. But everybody calls me... Raz.

Dogen: Please don't kill us, Lake Monster!

Dogen: You're so lucky, you get to go home soon.

Razputin: Home? Back there I was just like you were, Dogen--punished by my own family, for having powers I never asked for. But here, I have a chance to be something, to make a difference. They may come for me, Dogen, but they'll be expecting Raz: the boy. But what they'll find--what they don't expect--is Raz: the Psychonaut!

Dogen: And- and then you'll make their heads explode?

Razputin: No! Do you do that?

Dogen: No. Well... once, kinda.

Elka: I saw Nils peeking into a hole in the girls' cabin.

Dogen: I'm hiding!

Elka: And I thought: "Oh Nils, when will you peek into the hole in my heart? Because you'd just see yourself staring back."

Dogen: Uh huh. What?

Elka: I mean, he'd see my new boyfriend, James, staring back. And he'd be furious at Nils.

Dogen: Who's Nils?

Elka: Exactly. And, anyway, there wouldn't even be a hole, because James fills my heart 'til sometimes I think it's gonna explode.

Dogen: One time, I made someone's head explode.

Elka: Okay, maybe there's still a little hole.

Dogen: Actually, it happened four times.

Elka: But James and I have each other now, and Nils is just gonna have to deal with it.

Dogen: Now they make me wear this special hat, so I don't have any more accidents.

Elka: Are you even listening to me, Dogen?

Dogen: I hope so.

Sasha Nein: These tests are unauthorized, so I can't actually ask you to come. However, if you were to just drop in, well, then what could I do? Let me give you this. [Sasha floats a button over to Raz] Remember: your talents set you apart, Razputin. Sometimes isolation can be a good thing. It can lead to... important discoveries.

Razputin: Wait! I don't even know where your lab is! Is this some kind of test?

[Agent Nein's disembodied voice reverberates inside of Raz's head]

Sasha's Voice: "Sometimes isolation can be a good thing. It can lead to... important discoveries."

Razputin: And now I'm hearing things. Great.

Raz: [To the sparrow] Here birdie birdie! Why don't you come alight on my shoulder? [sparrow flies away]...jerk.

Mikhail: Have you seen bear lurking in woods, with skin where hair should be?

Raz: Uh, nope.

Mikhail: In Russia, bears much smaller. Also, more hair.

Dogen: [talking to squirrels] No! I could never do that! I could never... kill everyone.

Sasha: [Activating the Brain Tumbler] Now relax. This won't hurt at all. Unless something really very bad happens.

Lili: I traced the psychic interference back to Coach Oleander's radio! He's been broadcasting his insane plot all over camp in his sleep!

Raz: So he really IS stealing children's brains to make weapons!

Lili: Yes! Isn't that great!

Raz: What?? How's that great?

Lili: Because this is an honest-to-goodness psychic emergency!

Raz: Yeah! And Sasha's not here. He left on some official Psychonauts business.

Lili: Milla left a note saying the same thing!

Raz: Lili! A deranged madman is building a fleet of psycho-death tanks to take over the world, and there's no one who can stop him, except for you and me!

Lili: OH MY GOD! Let's make out!

Raz: (backs away) Uh, what?

Lili: Sorry! I'm just so excited! Since you showed up, Raz, things are so much more exciting! Sinister death plots, mad scientists, hideous monsters...

Raz: ...Make out?

Crystal: [after spending the entire game being overly-cheerful] O-M-G. I feel so bad for throwing myself off the roof now!

Raz: Why'd you do that?

Crystal: Because the poison didn't work!

Raz: [on reinserting the camper's brains after recovering them) Isn't that dangerous?

Agent Cruller: Oh, nothing is dangerous if you have the right tools! [holds up a funnel] Messy, but not dangerous!

Basic Braining

Razputin: So this is it... the mental world.

[Pause]

Elton: It looks like a dentist's office.

Razputin: A mental dentist's office!

[Raz and Bobby are overlooking an obstacle]

Bobby Zilch: We can't get past this! This is stupid!

Razputin: Hmm, looks like a test. There's probably a secret, more advanced route.

Bobby Zilch: What's that supposed to mean? You think you're more advanced than me, New Kid?

Razputin: Sorry, what?

Bobby Zilch: I'm not stupid. You're stupid. The Coach is stupid. This whole camp is stupid! That thing flying at you is stupid!

Razputin: [turning around] What thing?! Whoa!

[Bobby kicks Raz off the ledge.]

Bobby Zilch: Bobby Zilch's foot, that's what, you stupid new kid! Eh eh-eh eh eh eh-eh![does a little victory dance thing which Raz adopts in the game]

Oleander: Plane's going down, soldier! Hit that door and geronimo!

Raz: Hey! No one told me to pack a chute!

Oleander: Did Washington have a 'chute when he crossed the Delaware? Just jump, sissy!

Brain Tumbler Experiment

Sasha Nein: Razputin, can you hear me?

Raz: Sasha? Where am I?

Sasha Nein: You're inside your own mind, but I'm not sure where. Tell me. What do you see?

Raz: I see...a rundown gypsy caravan.

Sasha Nein: Do you recognize it?

Raz: [shrugs despondently] Yes. It's where I was born.

Razputin: [to the censors] You are my own creation! I command you to stop!...Dang. Does that ever work?

Sasha: What do you see?

Raz: I see a small, bunny-like animal thing.

[Raz spots a monster of some sort]

Razputin: Uh, Sasha?

Sasha Nein: What is it? Another bunny?

Razputin: No, this is more of a super-scary, flaming-eyed demon type of deal.

Razputin: [After looking through the memory entitled "The world shall taste my eggs!"] Okay, what the hell was that? I'm seeing some crazy stuff in here, Sasha. This can't be right.

Sasha Nein: Ach. Why did I buy the the CHEAP Brain Tumbler?

Dr. Loboto: Now the problem originates here, in the area that we in the medical profession like to refer to as THE BRAIN!

Dr. Loboto: I hate to be so blunt, but YOU have the insanity... of a manatee!

Dogen: I know, people are always saying that. What do you think's wrong with my brain, doctor?

Dr. Loboto: How should I know? I'm a dentist. But here's what I do know: if the tooth is bad, we pull it!

Dr. Loboto: Now hold still, this will only hurt until your brains come flying out!

[Dogen sneezes his brain out]

Dr. Loboto: Oh, good boy! There's that pesky brain. Here's a tissue. Now don't you feel better my dear lad?

Dogen: [Now brainless] TV..?

Dr. Loboto: Of course! Right here. [Loboto picks up Dogen's brain off the floor.] And THIS bad tooth, we'll just drop it in the ol' garbage chute. Now don't chew solid foods for six hours!

Razputin: Is this a nightmare... Or a plan? Or both?

Sasha's Shooting Gallery

Sasha Nein: Young man, I hope you've learned a lesson here today.

Razputin: Yes, I have. That shooting things is fun and useful!

Sasha Nein: No! That once you lose control, it's very hard to get it back!

Razputin: Got it. All thoughts must be 100% controlled at all times.

Sasha Nein: Well, not exactly. If you were to suppress all of your undesirable emotions, they'd build and build and eventually explode.

Razputin: Oh...So, what would happen if I blocked off all of the censor outlets?

Sasha Nein: Well, there would be a build up of censor energy, which would... [The ground starts shaking violently] ...eventually... Run, Razputin. Very fast.

Sasha Nein: [To the Mega-Censor] You are my own creation! I command you to stop! [Gets smashed anyway]

Sasha Nein: Say something hideous and horrible jumps out at you. Something so disgusting that it simply must die...

[Sasha trips a button with his foot to reveal a very ugly lamp]

Sasha Nein: Oh... so tacky! I can't... look... directly at it! [to Raz] But I control those feelings, focus them, concentrate, and... Release! [psi-blasts the lamp to pieces] ...And the world is a better place.

Sasha Nein: [While stuck on the Mega Censor's stamp, after being hit repeatedly] No Aunt Bernie, of course I didn't get your calls or I would have responded right away.

Sasha Nein: [While stuck on the Mega Censor's stamp, in singsong] My name is Yan Yanssen, I live in Wisconsin, I work in the lumberyard there...

[After Raz destroys the lamps]

Sasha Nein: Excellent. A victory for good taste.

Sasha Nein: You will learn to control these emotions, focus them, and release them.

Razputin: As therapy?

Sasha Nein: No, as firepower.

[After saving Sasha from the Mega-Censor]

Razputin: Is this the part where I get another lecture?

Sasha Nein: No. Here is your merit badge. We shall never speak of this again.

Razputin: Wait, so why did the censors attack me in my own mind? Don't I belong there?

Sasha Nein: Perhaps there is something wrong with the Brain Tumbler. Or you could be insane, but we'll run tests on that later.

Milla's Dance Party

Raz: Agent Vodello? I've been ordered to report here for Levitation training. I've already done the Coach's obstacle course, and Sasha showed me how to shoot!

Milla: You know, I'd expect that sort of recklessness from Morceau, but Sasha?

Raz: He said you were the most powerful Levitator the Psychonauts had!

Milla: Sasha said that? Really? I didn't know he noticed.

Raz: Well, you know...I only work with the best teachers.

Milla: Flirt! Okay. Let's party.

Milla: It's Razputin, the rolling rock star!

Nightmares: It's hot. It's burning.

Nightmares: Milla, Why did you let us die?

Nightmares: Miiiiiilllllaaaaaa

Nightmares: Where are you, Milla?

[When Raz tries, and fails, to enter water on his Leviation ball]

Milla: Hmm... that shouldn't be happening. Darling, do you have some problems with water? Do you want to talk about it?

Raz: It's a long story. I'll explain later.

Milla: Okay. I'm always here for you, darling. Let me just say that it is very normal for boys your age.

Lungfishopolis

Lungfish Civilian: [describing "Goggalor"] He's impervious to bullets! And love...

Kochamara: I've got the brain of a little girl back in my lab that could power a whole army of Psycho-Blaster death tanks... [realizes Raz is laughing at him] What's so funny?

Razputin: You have the brain of a little girl?

Kochamara: ...I said, "in my LAB!"

Razputin: I think you have the muscles of a little girl, too!

Resistance Fish: Hey Goggalor!

Raz: What? Are you talking to me?

Resistance Fish: AHHHHHHHH!!!! My ears!!!

Raz: [whispering a little] I'm sorry--

Resistance Lungfish: AHHHH!!!! Oh My GOD!! AHHHHH!!! [then he dies]

Raz: [whispering] Are you okay?...

Resistance Lungfish 2: He's dead!

Raz: [Talking normally] Oh geez, I'm sorry!

Resistance Lungfish 2: It's okay. Every member of the Resistance is ready to die fighting the tyranny of Kochamara.

Raz: So hey, have you seen any other humans around here? I'm looking for a girl called Lili.

Resistance Lungfish: The government archives might have some information on your young girlfriend, Goggalor.

Raz: Heh, I don't know if she's really my girlfriend, I mean---I think she..

Resistance Lungfish: I only meant that she's your friend who is a girl, Goggalor.

Newscaster: Oh my god! Goggalor's headed for the orphanage!

Newscaster: Phew! Goggalor's headed away from the orphange!

[Raz smashes the orphanage]

Newscaster: Oh my god! The puppy orphanage!

Raz: Wait, are you sure Kochamara] and your little friends won't mind me smashing up your city?

Resistance Lungfish: No.

Resistance Lungfish 3: Uh..no, no, no.

Raz: So smashing up the town and breaking the prison, no ones gonna get mad and start shooting at me?

Resistance Lungfish: No!

Resistance Lungfish 2: ...Well, maybe one guy. But what's a whole lungfish navy to the mighty Goggalor?

Raz: Wait, navy?

Raz: Wait, aren't you gonna come with me?

Resistance Lungfish: Er, we'll stay here until it's clear...

Resistance Lungfish 2: For insurance reasons.

Resistance Lungfish: Yes. That. And for FREEDOM!

Thorney Towers Home for the Disturbed

Dr. Loboto: Well, I've reviewed your chart, little girl. The bad news is, we're going to have to remove your brain... strap it into an armored battle tank, and have it shoot down innocent civilians with its concentrated psychic death beam!

Lili: I'm gonna kill you so much.

Dr. Loboto: The good news is that your insurance should cover the whole thing. Hey, is it getting warm in here?

Lili: No, I'm trying to set you on fire through this stupid hat!

Dr. Loboto: What a delightfully mean little brain you have! Just what we want! Here, do me a favor. Tell me if this smells like... YOUR DOOM! Heh heh!

Lili: I-I can't smell anything.

Dr. Loboto: Curses! You're a stubborn little ball of phlegm, ain't ya? Well, that head cold won't protect you forever, little girl, and when it's gone you'll be sneezing a different tune. A tune in the key of... brains! HAAA HA HA!

Sheegor: I'm not going to bring you any more brains if you're going to be so mean to them!

Dr. Loboto: No matter what I do?

Sheegor: No, no matter what.

Dr. Loboto: Not even if I...

[Loboto reaches towards the stove to turn up the heat on a pot over which he holds Sheegor's beloved turtle, Mr. Pokeylope, hostage.]

Sheegor: No, don't!

Dr. Loboto: Not even if I cook you a little...

Sheegor: Don't, doctor! No!

Dr. Loboto: A little turtle soup?

Sheegor: Please, Dr. Loboto! No!

Dr. Loboto: Hm, a nice, hot turtle soup, hmm?

Sheegor: Noooo!

Dr. Loboto: Nothing better on a cold night like this than some boiling hot soup!

Sheegor: You leave Mr. Pokeylope alone!

Dr. Loboto: Oh, Okay. Are you sure?

Sheegor: Nooo! I mean, YES!

Dr. Loboto: Alright, alright... Oh, why don't I just go ahead and heat you up a cup? It's made from turtles! Turtles that you love! Isn't that right, Mr. Pokeylope?

Sheegor: Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

Dr. Loboto: Okay, well maybe I'll just make some for myself.

Sheegor: [Running from the room] Yaaaaaahhh!

Dr. Loboto: Bring me a good brain, Sheegor, or Mr. Pokeylope becomes Mr. SMOKEY-lope! Ha Ha Ha HA! HOO HOO! HO HOO HOO! Smokey-lope! HAAAA! [Nonchalantly to the turtle] When you're a dentist, you have to learn to have a sense of humor, you know. It helps to calm the patient down.

[Razputin finally confronts Coach Oleander after rescuing Sasha and Milla's brains and freeing Lili]

Razputin: You! You stole all my friends' brains! You turned an innocent fish into a giant monster! You stole all the teachers--derailing my education! AND, you kidnapped... [pauses, looks at Lili, who nods] ...MY GIRLFRIEND!

Lili: [in her mind] Why won't you just shut up and kiss me?

Raz: Uh...I can hear that.

Lili: I know.

Raz: [to Lili] ...And the crib wasn't even that clean!

During the ultimate battle between Sasha, Milla, and Oleander

Oleander: You...tall people!

[A psychic battle ensues, and suddenly, Ford appears wearing psitanium on his back.]

Ford: You know something, Mory, we've got a word for people like you in the Psychonauts who turn on their own.

Oleander: Ha! I don't need the Psychonauts anymore, old man. I'm gonna rule the world with my fleet of brain-powered death tanks! You got a word for that?

Ford: Yeah...Gesundheit!

[Blows sneezing powder in Oleander's face, effectively saving the day]

The Milkman Conspiracy

Boyd Cooper: There's something in the fridge that might help you see the world like I do.

Razputin: Ooh, sorry. I don't drink... before noon, I mean.

Boyd Cooper: Beware the cows! Not all milk is enriched!

Raz: [After being given a fake gun by Boyd] Couldn't I have a real gun? With bullets?

Boyd Cooper: What, give a loaded gun to a 10 year-old? What do you think I am, crazy?

Den Mother: Would you care to join us in our Rainbow Squirt Pledge of Purpose?

Rainbow Squirts: "To promote niceness. To make the world prettier. To share candy with everyone. To obfuscate the true nature of the Milkman. To protect the Milkman at all costs. To eliminate all who threaten to reveal his secret objective."

Den Mother: Do not follow! The milk is not ready, and you are not ready for the milk!

Den Mother: I told you not to follow. Now YOU MUST DIE!

Razputin: But--

Den Mother: THAT IS THE WAY OF THE RAINBOW SQUIRTS!

Den Mother: Enough! It's time for me to pluck out your eyes!

Razputin: HA! You can't. That is the purpose of the goggles!

Den Mother: [after being defeated] Look what you've done! He wakes! And the sea... [coughs] shall run ... white ... with ... his ...rage! [Passes out]

The Milkman: I am the Milkman. My milk is delicious.

Razputin: Hey, is that milk regular kind, or the exploding dream kind?

The Milkman: It's fortified with what the world wants. What the world deserves.

The Milkman: My employer has commissioned me to deliver this milk, to whitewash what went on here. I cannot rest until I have made my final delivery.

Raz: I am a grieving widow.

"Grieving Widow" G-Man: I am your sister in grief.

"Grieving Widow" G-Man: Should I remarry or remain faithful to my spouse?

"Grieving Widow" G-Man: I wish my loved one was not dead, but alive.

"Grieving Widow" G-Man: I wish my loved one had remembered to indicate me as the beneficiary of his 401k plan.

"Grieving Widow" G-Man: Why. God. Why.

"Grieving Widow" G-Man: Ah, I see that you are grieving. I will give you your space.

"Grieving Widow" G-Man: The people are underground. And I have brought flowers... because I am sad.

"Grieving Widow" G-Man: I am alone now, and grieving.

"Grieving Widow" G-Man: The cemetery is filled with dead people.

"Grieving Widow" G-Man: These flowers are a token of my remembrance for my loved one.

"Plumber" G-Man: Although I often smell of excrement, I should not be discriminated against as I provide a valuable service.

"Plumber" G-Man: There are no documented cases of alligators living in the sewers.

Other "Plumber" G-Man: Feces.

"Watering Can" G-Man: That is a nice watering can. May I ask how much you paid for it?

"Watering Can" G-Man: Plants need water poured on them, because they have no hands to hold glasses of water.

[Talking about his gun.]

Raz: It's fake. I'm worried the other assassins will laugh at me.

"Assassin" G-Man: Shhh... Don't broadcast that fact, they look real.

"Assassin" G-Man: I kill not for passion, but for money.

"Assassin" G-Man: My motives are clear only to myself.

"Assassin" G-Man: Sometimes I work for the government.

"Assassin" G-Man: They got Freddy. Poor Freddy. He was such a good secret agent. I mean assassin.

"Assassin" G-Man: My gun is clean.

"Assassin" G-Man: Adjustments need to be made when firing in the wind.

"Assassin" G-Man: I like to shoot people.

Raz: I work for the road crew. This is my stop sign.

"Road Crew" G-Man: Yes, we all work on the road crew. Our backs are killing us.

"Road Crew" G-Man: Hello fellow road crew worker. Welcome to the road crew.

"Road Crew" G-Man: Look at that woman's breasts. They're large.

"Road Crew" G-Man: Yes, we are all on the road crew. Our backs are killing us

"Road Crew" G-Man: My red sign helps me work on the road.

"Road Crew" G-Man: Thank goodness it is Friday

"Road Crew" G-Man: It is very hot here, working on the road.

"Road Crew" G-Man: I cannot wait untill the next payday.

Raz: I am baking a pie.

"Pie-making Wife" G-Man: You better not be trying to steal my husband...tramp.

"Pie-making Wife" G-Man: Although over time, my husband will desire me less, sexually, he will always enjoy my pies.

"Pie-making Wife" G-Man: For the last several years, I have relied on prescription medication to make it through the days.

"Pie-Making Wife" G-Man: When my husband drinks excessively, I use this rolling pin to beat him, but we are still very much in love.

"Pie-making Wife" G-Man: I am famous for my pie making abilities

"Pie-making Wife" G-Man: It is important not to use too much pressure when you are rolling out a pie crest.

"Pie-making Wife" G-Man: Apple pies are very popular.

"Pie-making Wife" G-Man: Cherry is a flavour of pie.

"Pie-making Wife" G-Man: Pies come in many flavours.

"Pie-making Wife" G-Man: Though I do not receive a pay check, I consider my homemaking to be my occupation.

"Pie-making Wife" G-Man: Rhubarb is a controversial pie variety

"Helicopter" G-Man: Helicopters can go up and down. Helicopters move sideways too, but not as fast as planes.

"Phone Repairer" G-Man: I can listen to any phone conversation that I want, but do not because of my sense of professional responsibility.

Raz: I work in the sewers.

Non-Sewer-working G-man: Gross! That is a terrible job! I would never let you date my daughter.

Asylum Grounds

Razputin: Hey... I like it!

Edgar: Ah, you see, the poor dumb beasts have no thumbs, so I ask you... how are they holding their cards?

Razputin: St--St--Sticky paws?

Edgar: It should be impossible, and yet somehow they go on... playing the game.

Edgar: In the end, Razputin, aren't we all just dogs playing poker?

Crispin: Whatever.

Fred: The battle can't be won! We're gonna lose it!

Crispin: I'm afraid you lost it years ago, Fred. Now, pipe down over there. I am the orderly, and I run a quiet, peaceful insane asylum.

Crispin: One moment. You're not Dr. Loboto. My eyes may be half gone, but I would recognize the mad doctor anywhere. He has a stone-cold face a man doesn't easily forget. He wears a beastly smock covered in thick straps like an electric chair. And in the place where his hand should be there's nothing but a gleaming metal claw. So unless I'm mistaken, you are not Dr. Loboto, you do not pay my salary, so kindly step away from my elevator and die. Thank you, sir.

Edgar: [hit with a Confusion Grenade] Ugh... Who chained this building to my leg?

[After you beat Waterloo World]

Fred: Is he really gone? Hello? Hello? Anyone else in here? Ha! We did it, Raz! I'm all me again! One person - not French! Get me out of this dang jacket so I can go strangle me an orderly!

Raz: Hey, good thinking, Fred. That sure would save me a lot of work.

Fred: Yep! Right after I take a nap.

Raz: Yes! A- wait, nap?

Fred: War is hell, Razputin, and I'm sleepy. [yawns] I'll take care of Crispin for ya, just as soon as I... [falls asleep]

Raz: Oh, man...

[After you assemble your Doctor Loboto disguise]

Crispin: Taking her up yourself today, eh, Doctor? Less work for me.

Fred: Inmate Whytehead.

Crispin: Chief Orderly Bonaparte! You're... you're...

Fred: Armed?

[After you free Lili]

Edgar: Well, it's official. the genius is back. Time to go get ready for my gallery show. [pulls his chain out of the floor, breaking a gas main] Uh-oh, this looks bad. [sniffs] Ah, well, that's good. Someone must have turned off the gas long ago.

Gloria: [outside in the garden] Oh, here's what my poor flowers need - a little water. [turns the gas back on]

Edgar: Oh, no, I spilled all my turpentine and acetone!

Fred: [climbs out of a window and sees Boyd poised to throw a milk bottle into the asylum] Hey, Boyd! Long time no see!

Edgar: Oh, Mister Orderly! I did not see you there. I was just taking a little therapeutic walk in the moonlight-

Fred: Relax, the asylum's closed. We can all go home.

Gloria: Leave? Here?

Fred: Yeah, this place is for crazy people. And I don't know about you, but I ain't crazy no more! [eye twitches]

Edgar: I have to tell you, I'm feeling pretty good...

Gloria: You know, maybe it is time for us all to move on.

Fred: What d'ya think, Boyd? You ready to blow this popsicle stand?

Boyd: [hurls the milk bottle into the asylum, where it explodes] The milkman has completed his route. You guys wanna split a cab?

Lili: [after kissing Raz] Wow...

Raz: [looks past her, sees the asylum blow up] Wow...

Sasha: Razputin, you have surprised us yet again. I cannot thank you enough.

Raz: Hey, hey. All in a day's work for a Psychonaut.

Sasha: Ha. Well, Psi-Cadet, you mean.

Lili: Are you kidding? The Psychonauts should be so lucky to have somebody like Raz! The brain he's got in there---

Oleander: ---is one in a million!

Gloria's Theater

Becky: Well, I'm off to kill myself.

Bonita: What? Can't you see I'm drowning in my own misery here? Should I be doing something with my hands?

Raz: You're mean and fat!

Jasper: And...?

Raz: Just giving you the update.

Becky: [If you try to firestart her] Hot flash! Hot flash!

Raz: If you hate the show so much, why don't you just leave?

Jasper: I just can't take my eyes off it! It's like watching the scene of a horrible car accident... an accident where the victims can't act, and the paramedics forget their lines!

[Raz has chased the Phantom through the catwalks. He is now jumping around the theater])

Raz: OK, Mr. Phantom. It's time to see who you...really...are?

[The Phantom returns to Jasper's box and removes his mask, somehow gaining a great deal of weight in the process. Raz realizes that Jasper is, in fact, the Phantom!]

Raz: I so totally guessed that!

Actress: Uh-uh! You thought it was Becky!

Raz:Shhhh! [Goes over to Jasper] All right, Jasper! I know you're the one who's been causing all of the problems around here.

Jasper: WHAT? How dare you accuse me of being the rugged and romantic Phantom, who has captivated audiences for months on end?

Raz: Hmmm...yeah, you're probably right. He's so agile and limber and thin. He could never be you.

[Pause. Jasper blinks in shock.]

Jasper: Why, you little...OF COURSE IT'S ME!

Raz: Well, time to hang up the cape, Tubs, because your days of terrorizing this theater are over!

Jasper: Maybe as the Phantom...but he's nothing compared to the full, destructive force of an angry critic!

[His chair flies into the air, becoming a floating weapon]

Raz: Now, how can I say this and still sound cool...uh...'sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me?'

Waterloo World

Soldier: Mon dieu! I hate bridges! Zat was for killing my fathaire! Bridge!

Fred: Hey, quit killing my bridges! You're making me mad!

Carpenter: Oh, man, I would love to go over there, but that soldier would kick my ass... and I don't get paid for that.

Carpenter: Go away, burglar!

Raz: I'm not a burglar!

Carpenter: Yes you are! I can hear your feet on my roof. Why don't you go down through the chimney? I've got a nice, hot fire roaring just for you.

Raz: If I was on the roof, how could I be talking to you down here?

Carpenter: Maybe you're a ventriloquist!

Soldier: None shall pass!

Raz: Fred, your soldiers think you don't care about them. They think you wouldn't care if they lived or died.

Fred: What? I care about them?

Raz: Well, they don't believe it.

Fred: What do they want? A letter on my official stationary saying that I'd be sad if they died?

Raz: Yep.

Fred: Oh...okay.

Peasant: Wow...he really does care! I'd be honored to die for my leader now.

Raz: Wait, you're not necessarily gonna die...

Peasant: Oh, come on. Fred's a great leader and all, but he's still Fred.

Raz: Hey, check out this cool coin I found.

Peasant: Whoo, money! [To Wife] Honey, I'm off to die for an incompetent leader who won't even remember my name! You're in my will.

Raz: Oh, come on! Again with the dying?

Peasant: I just hope she doesn't go and spend it all on scrap-book supplies. Part of the reason I'm so ready to die...

Razputin: [talking to Napolean's first soldier] I can burn wood with my mind.

Soldier: That would be cheating.

Fred Bonaparte: [After being hit] Ow! Oh, go ahead, beat me up. I don't care.

Napolean Bonaparte: Trust me, he doesn't.

Black Velvetopia

Razputin: [in the sewers, which oddly resemble a gym shower] I'm starting to feel like I'm back in high school! Which is weird, because I'm only ten.

Razputin: [after beating Tiger] Sleep tight, kitty.

Razputin: [after defeating Dragon] Soon they'll be 'dragon' your ass outta here! (giggles) Hey, are you awake? Did you hear that??

Eagle: Ca-Caw.

Razputin: That's it? Ca- [Eagle punches him in the face] -OOF!

Eagle: Ca-Caw.

Lampita: [crying over Dingo, then looks at Edgar] Um, I always... loved you more...?

[You can see this if, after you receive the confusion grenade from Dingo, you lob one at the dog waiting downstairs.]

Painter Bulldog: ...Oh, my, GOD. GOD. Is DOG....spelled backwards.

Raz: Um...are you okay?

Painter Bulldog No, wait! God...is CAT...spelled backwards. Ooooh no. Oh, nononono, no!

Painter Bulldog: [begins to slather paint slowly over his stomach] I'm shaaaavinnng, just like daaaaddeeee...

The Meat Circus

Oly: No, bunny, don't go in there! That's a bad place! THAT'S A BAD PLACE FOR BUNNIES!

Razputin: (looking over the Meat Circus) My childhood memories were bad enough! This is just gross.

Raz's fake father: What's going on here? What have you done to our circus?!

Raz: Dad!

Raz's fake father: Polluted...perverted...this looks like the work of...mentalists.

Raz: I can explain!

Raz's fake father: Have you been associating with Psychics?

Raz: Dad, I--

Raz's fake father: Psychics. Fortune tellers! They killed your grandfather...they cursed our entire family to die in water!

Raz: I know, but-

Raz's fake father: Including you, Razputin! And me! But I'm going to live. You know why? Because I'm still an acrobat! Let's see if you are...

(Jumps to the top of the tent)

Raz's fake father: What's it going to be, son? Die in the water, or show me what you got?

Raz's father: ... And I have more hair than that!

Butcher and Little Oly: Don't run or daddy's gonna' kill ya!

Little Oly: Ahh!! My face!!!!

Raz's father: Razputin...[breaks through Raz's mental wall] Razputin! I see your skull is as hard to penetrate as ever.

Raz: Dad!

Raz's father: What is your brain doing out here in this tank, with this other brain? Who are all those unconscious people? What have you gotten yourself involved with?

Raz's fake father: Psychics! He's been cavorting with filthy, cheating psychics!

Raz's father: Is that really...is that really how I look in your mind?

Raz's fake father: Man, do I hate psychics! And seeing my son happy!

Raz's father: I don't hate psychics! I used my psychic connection with you to find you. And to project myself into your mind.

Raz: But how can you hate me for being psychic if you're psychic, too?

Raz's father:: Son. I could never hate you. I only wanted you to be happy, Razputin. And safe. Our family has many enemies.

Razputin: Oly, are you okay? Where's your dad?

Oly: He's over there, talking to your dad...

Raz's fake father: He did WHAT?!

Razputin: Uh-oh.

Raz's fake father: Somebody's gonna get grounded...

Oly's father: Make that 'ground'!

About Psychonauts

I'm just going to list out of context some of the things that occur in Psychonauts: A telekinetic bear, a dentist who harvests brains, a sequence wherein you become a giant Godzilla-style monster and terrorize a society of talking fish, and shadowy, trenchcoated government agents who disguise themselves as housewives by brandishing rolling pins and talking disjointedly about pies. A game that features all of these things simply cannot be criticized, it's against the law or something.
- Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw, in his review of the game.