Live At The Top Of The Tower [2000]

In the Future

[imitating parents of the future]

You don't know you're born. All your mum and me used to have in the evenings was sky digital. Playstation, yeah. We used to have to manage with a car each, a car each! Your mam, she used to have a dishwasher! You don't remember - look at her face, you don't remember them, do you? She used to have take over all the plates, load them in, by hand, on her own! turn it on!

---

Vegas

It's like Blackpool, but on speed. Las Vegas.

---

Holidays Abroad

Booked it, packed it, fucked off.

---

[on foreign food]

"Oh, no. Oh, thank you, none of that foreign muck. What? Garlic bread? Garlic bread? Garlic? Bread? Am I hearin' you right? Garlic bread? No, thank you, I've got some milk roll in t'case that'll do me. The toasty loaf. The garlic bread!"

---

Summer Holidays In England

Why do mums buy crap pop? Why? Why d'they buy it? They go t'supermarket on friday night, do the friday big shop. They come back. They never bu- Rola Cola. Rola Cola. Never Coca Cola, or Pepsi, Rola Cola. Panda Cola, or Streamway Cola. 8litres for 40-p. Crap pop. Shit pop. Pop you don't want.

"Get it drunk"

"I'm not drinkin' it"

"Get it drunk"

"I'm not drinkin' it, mum, I wouldn't wash me drains out wi' this, it's crap"

"Get it drunk"

"I'm not drinkin' it, it's horrible. It's too big an' all, it won't even go in t'fridge. Not only is it crap, it's warm. Warm crap pop. We got 18litres of it 'ere, we don't want any more, stop bringin' it home will you?"

"Only cost 40-p"

"I know but it taste rotten"

"There's children starvin' in Ethiopia"

"Send it to 'em. They'll send it back, they won't drink it, it's crap pop"

...once, right, I got so annoyed I started bangin' me 'ead against wall, batterin' me mind I said,

"Mum, drink it your F[ ]in' self"

...woke up, casualty. On a drip filled wi' Rola Cola, bar o' soap hangin' out me mouth.

---

Mum Wants A Bungalow Tour [2003]

Entertainment

[on Ferguson Video Star VCR]

If you were a lad, you couldn't watch a bit o' blue in t'middle of night, 'cause everybody could hear it fast-forwardin' about three streets away. So I've 'eard, anyway. You know?

"I'll be up in a minute, mum, I'm just gettin' a drink."

Bd-Vrrrrrrrrrrrrr...

"Jesus! Shut up!"

...vrrrrr...

"Shut up!"

...vrrr.

"Shut up! Hiya, mum, y'alright? Mum, I'm stuck! It's got me! It's got me skin! It's got me skin!"

---

Crime

"Get your 'ands up, mother-stickers, this is a fuck-up!"

---

[on Crimewatch reconstructions]

You always have some manager, some right borin' manager narrating the reconstructions, he loves it.

"I usually arrive at work twenty-to eight, ten-to eight. Er. That particular morning, the morning of the robbery, they were doing, er, servicing works up by the round-about, and the dual-carriageway was gridlocked."

Get on with it, son, you're up against Bad Girls 'ere!

"I usually open up in the mornings when I arrive. Morning, Jean, that's wrong Jean's been locked in...morning, Jean"

"'Bout time an' all, been 'ere all night, thought you were never gon come. I daren't move in case alarm goes off"

"Where's Frank, he's late this morning?"

Proper wood-un. Frank comes on.

"As I was driving towards work, I noticed a small white transit van parked diagonally across both lanes. There were- drrbe! There were two men discussin' somethin'. I- dddrb! I don't know what it was, but they both 'ad sawn-off shotguns. Yeah. I couldn't, yeah. I couldn't quite see their faces clearly as they were wearing ski masks. I thought 'that's odd'. As it hadn't snowed in months."

---

I'm in Bolton, so I won't have to give me mum three rings to let her know I'm home safe. Do you do that? Give her three rings and after the second ring she picks it up. What's the point of that?

I was in Greggs t'other day and the woman said "Here y'are love, watch me juices". I said "Hey! I want a pie not your life story!"

If it's not one thing, it's your mother.

You ever dip your biscuit in your tea and it breaks. I swear now, you never get used to that.

Rich Teas should never be called one dips.

That Peter Kay Thing

The Icecream Man Cometh

"We've you been been!"

"Ive been coming..."

"Yeah right, hand on a minute love"

"What is this, milk?"

"I came as quick as i could"

"Yeah, it looks like it an all."

"What the, what the fuck are theses?"

"They didn't have any Flakes."

"I wanted, I want Flakes, I cant make 99's with fuckin' Crunches can I?"

Repeated

Cheesecake?

Garlic bread?

'Ave it!

I'm not homophobic. I'm not scared of my house.

Put big light on.

You wanna gerron t'internet

Where you going on your holdays? T'Egypt.

The list of quotes attributed to Kay on the popular "Peter Kay Truths" email are not from Kay but from other unknown sources. They have, in the past, been attributed to various other comedians, including Tommy Cooper.