Directed by Jonathan Lynn. Written by Dale Launer.

Dialogue

Vinny: What are you wearing?

Mona Lisa: What?

Vinny: You look like a fucking tourist.

Mona Lisa: Me? What about you?

Vinny: I fit in better than you. At least I'm wearing cowboy boots.

Mona Lisa: Oh, yeah, you blend.

[Stan thinks Vinny, his attorney, is a new cellmate intent on sodomizing him.]

Vinny: Look, it's either me or them. You're getting fucked one way or the other. (Stan tries to get up) Hey, relax, I'm gonna help you.

Stan: Gee, thanks.

Vinny: Excuse me, I think a modicum of gratitude would not be out of line here.

Stan: You think I should be grateful?

Vinny: Yeah, it's your ass, not mine. I think you should be grateful. I think you should be down on your fucking knees.

Stan: I didn't know it was such an honor to get a visit from you.

Vinny: I'm doing a favor, you know. You're getting me for nothing, you little fuck.

Stan: That's one hell of an ego you got.

Vinny: What the fuck is your problem? I did not come down here just to get jerked off.

Stan: I'm not jerking you off. I'm not doing anything.

Vinny: That's it. You're on your own. I'll just take care of Sleeping Beauty.

[Wakes up Bill]

Bill: Vinny. Vinny, bag o' donuts.

Vinny: Is that a drip I hear?

Mona Lisa: Yeah.

Vinny: Weren't you the last one to use the bathroom?

Mona Lisa: So?

Vinny: Well, did you use the faucet?

Mona Lisa: Yeah.

Vinny: Why didn't you turn it off?

Mona Lisa: I did turn it off.

Vinny: Well, if you turned it off, why am I listening to it?

Mona Lisa: Did it ever occur to you that it could be turned off and drip at the same time?

Vinny: No, because if you turned it off, it wouldn't drip.

Mona Lisa: Maybe it's broken.

Vinny: Is that what you're saying? It's broken?

Mona Lisa: Yeah, that's it; it's broken.

Vinny: You sure?

Mona Lisa: I'm positive.

Vinny: Maybe you didn't twist it hard enough.

Mona Lisa: I twisted it just right.

Vinny: How can you be so sure?

Mona Lisa: If you will look in the manual, you will see that this particular model faucet requires a range of 10-16 foot pounds of torque. I routinely twist the maximum allowable torquage.

Vinny: How can you be sure you used 16 foot pounds of torque?

Mona Lisa: Because I used a Craftsman model 1019 Laboratory edition, signature series torque wrench. The kind used by Cal Tech High Energy physicists, and NASA engineers.

Vinny: In that case, how can you be sure that's accurate?

Mona Lisa: Because a split second before the torque wrench was applied to the faucet handle, it had been calibrated by top members of the state and federal Departments of Weights and Measures, to be dead-on balls accurate. Here's the certificate of validation.

Vinny: "Dead-on balls accurate"?

Mona Lisa: It's an industry term.

Vinny: I guess the fucking thing is broken.

Vinny: My clients were caught completely by surprise. They thought they were getting arrested for shoplifting a can of tuna.

Judge Haller: What are you telling me? That they plead not guilty?

Vinny: No. I'm just trying to explain.

Judge Haller: I don't want to hear explanations. The state of Alabama has a procedure. And that procedure is to have an arraignment. Are we clear on this?

Vinny: Yes, but there seems to be a great deal of confusion here. You see, my clients--

Judge Haller: Uh, Mr. Gambini? (motions for him to approach the bench) All I ask from you is a very simple answer to a very simple question. There are only two ways to answer it: guilty or not guilty.

Vinny: But your honor, my clients didn't do anything.

Judge Haller: Once again, the communication process is broken down. It appears to me that you want to skip the arraignment process, go directly to trial, skip that, and get a dismissal. Well, I'm not about to revamp the entire judicial process just because you find yourself in the unique position of defending clients who say they didn't do it. The next words out of your mouth better be "guilty" or "not guilty." I don't want to hear commentary, argument, or opinion. If I hear anything other than "guilty" or "not guilty", you'll be in contempt. I don't even want to hear you clear your throat. Now, (enunciating) how do your clients plead?

Vinny: (enunciating) I think I get the point.

Judge Haller: No, I don't think you do. You're now in contempt of court. Would you like to go for two counts of contempt?

Vinny: Not guilty.

Judge Haller: Thank you.

Vinny: Look, maybe I could have handled the preliminary a little better, okay? I admit it. But what's most important is winning the case. I could do it. I really could. Let me tell you how, okay? The D.A.'s got to build a case. Building a case is like building a house. Each piece of evidence is just another building block. He wants to make a brick bunker of a building. He wants to use serious, solid-looking bricks, like, like these, right? (puts his hand on the wall)

Bill: Right.

Vinny: Let me show you something. (he holds up a playing card, with the face toward Billy) He's going to show you the bricks. He'll show you they got straight sides. He'll show you how they got the right shape. He'll show them to you in a very special way, so that they appear to have everything a brick should have. But there's one thing he's not gonna show you. (turns the card, so that its edge is toward Billy) When you look at the bricks from the right angle, they're as thin as this playing card. His whole case is an illusion, a magic trick. It has to be an illusion, 'cause you're innocent. Nobody, I mean nobody, pulls the wool over the eyes of a Gambini, especially this one. Give me a chance, one chance. Let me question the first witness. If after that point, you don't think that I'm the best man for the job, fire me then and there. I'll leave quietly, no grudges. All I ask is for that one chance. I think you should give it to me.

[Vinny is trying to dress properly for a hunting trip]

Vinny: What about these pants I got on? You think they're okay? Ho!

Mona Lisa: Imagine you're a deer. You're prancing along. You get thirsty. You spot a little brook. You put your little deer lips down to the cool clear water...bam! A fucking bullet rips off part of your head! Your brains are laying on the ground in little bloody pieces! Now, I ask ya, would you give a fuck what kind of pants the son-of-a-bitch who shot you was wearing?!

Vinny: Hey, Vincent LaGuardia Gambini--

Lisa: His name's J.T.

Vinny: J.T., I believe you and Lisa played a game of pool for two hundred dollars, which she won; I'm here to collect.

J.T.: How 'bout if I just kick your ass?

Vinny: Oh, a counteroffer. That's what we lawyers, I'm a lawyer, call that a counteroffer. Let me see, this is a tough decision you're giving me here. Get my ass kicked or collect two hundred dollars. Hmm, let me think. I could use a good ass kicking, I'll be very honest with you. Nah, I think I'll just go with the two hundred.

[The people in the room laugh]

J.T.: Over my dead body.

Vinny: You like to renegotiate as you go along, huh? Okay then, here's my counteroffer: do I have to kill you? What if I were just to kick the ever-loving shit out of you?

J.T.: In your dreams.

Vinny: Oh, no, no, in reality. If I was to kick the shit outta ya, do I get the money?

JT: (contemplates this) If you kick the shit outta me...

Vinny: Yeah?

J.T.: ...then you get the money.

[Some people weakly laugh. Vinny looks at a guy whose in a neck brace.]

Vinny: What happened? Rear-ended?

Guy: No, I fell.

Vinny: Oh. Okay, lets see if we agree on the terms. The choice now is: I get my ass kicked, or, option B: I kick your ass, and collect the $200. I'm goin with option B, (takes his coat off) kicking your ass and collectin' two-hundred dollars.

J.T.: Are we gonna fight now?

Vinny: Yeah, first let me see the money.

J.T.: I have the money.

Vinny: All right, show it to me.

J.T.: I can get it.

Vinny: You can get it? All right, go get it. Then we'll fight.

Vinny: What's the matter with you?

Mona Lisa: I don't know.

Vinny: You're acting like you're nervous or something.

Mona Lisa: Well, yeah, I am.

Vinny: What are you nervous about? I'm the one that's under the gun here. Trial starts tomorrow.

Mona Lisa: You wanna know what I'm nervous about? I'll tell you what I'm nervous about. I am in the dark here with all this legal crap. I have no idea what's going on. All I know is that you're screwing up and I can't help.

Vinny: You left me a little camera, didn't you?

Mona Lisa: Oh, Vinny! I'm watching you go down in flames, and you're bringing me with you, and I can't do anything about it!

Vinny: And?

Mona Lisa: Well, I hate to bring it up because I know you've got enough pressure on you already. But, we agreed to get married as soon as you won your first case. Meanwhile, ten years later, my niece, the daughter of my sister is getting married. My biological clock is (stamps foot three times) ticking like this, and the way this case is going, I ain't never getting married!

Vinny: Lisa, I don't need this. I swear to God, I do not need this right now, okay? I've got a judge that's just aching to throw me in jail, an idiot who wants to fight me for two hundred dollars, slaughtered pigs, giant loud whistles. I ain't slept in five days. I got no money, a dress code problem, and a little murder case which, in the balance, holds the lives of two innocent kids, not to mention your (stamps foot three times) biological clock; my career, your life, our marriage, and let me see, what else can we pile on? Is there any more shit we can pile on to the to of the outcome of this case?! Is it possible?!

Mona Lisa: Maybe it was a bad time to bring it up.

Vinny: Is it possible that the two youts--

Judge Haller: Uh, the two what? Uh, uh, what was that word?

Vinny: Uh, what word?

Judge Haller: Two what?

Vinny: What?

Judge Haller: Uh, did you say "yutes"?

Vinny: Yeah, two youts.

Judge Haller: What is a yute?

Vinny: Oh, excuse me, Your Honor, two youths.

Vinny: Ms. Vito, you're supposed to be some kinda expert in automobiles, is that correct? Is that correct?

Judge Haller: Would you please answer the counselor's question?

Lisa: No, I hate him.

Vinny: Your Honor, may I treat this witness as hostile?

Mona Lisa: You think I'm hostile now? Wait till tonight.

Judge Haller: Do you two know each other?

Vinny: Yeah, she's my fiancée.

Judge Haller: Well, that would certainly explain the hostility.

Taglines

• A Comedy Of Trial And Error

• There have been many courtroom dramas that have glorified The Great American Legal System. This is not one of them.

Cast

• Joe Pesci - Vincent LaGuardia Gambini
• Marisa Tomei - Mona Lisa Vito
• Ralph Macchio - Bill Gambini
• Mitchell Whitfield - Stan Rothenstein
• Fred Gwynne - Judge Chamberlain Haller
• Lane Smith - D.A. Jim Trotter
• Bruce McGill - Sheriff Farley
• James Rebhorn - George Wilbur