Unsourced

• I finally heard some applause from a bald man and said 'thank you for clapping me' and he said 'I'm not clapping - I'm slapping me head to keep awake.'

• I invested a lot of money in a company that made ladies’ bonnets, and then the government cancelled Easter.

• Remember, no matter how bad things get, there's always someone worse off than yourself - me.

• I can always tell when the mother in law is coming to stay, the mice throw themselves on the traps.

• I'm so unlucky, I was once mugged by Lord Longford.

• She had a face like a bag of spanners.

• Our house were... our house... yeah! Our house were that mucky you 'ad to wipe your feet before ya went out.

• My mother in law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

• My mother in law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.

• I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow it's the mother in law's funeral... and she's cancelled it.

• I went to the doctor last week. I said "Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?" He asked why. I said "She's woken up".

• In awe I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebon void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang forever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought...I must put a roof on this lavatory.