Lemony Snicket: The Unauthorized Autobiography (2002)

by Lemony Snicket (akaDaniel Handler)

A metafiction about a fictional author and his series of books, A Series of Unfortunate Events. Although it is labeled "Unauthorized" for humor, the book is an official spin-off book of the series and sometimes considered the fourteenth book.

Unsourced

• As the official representative of Lemony Snicket in all legal, literary, and social matters, I am often asked difficult questions, even when I am in a hurry. Recently, the most common questions have been the following:

1. Will you please get out of my way?

2. Where did Lemony Snicket: The Unauthorized Autobiography come from?

The replies to both of these questions are very long stories, so there is only room to answer one of them.-Daniel Handler

• Dear Dairy,-Lemony Snicket

• I didn't realize this was a sad occasion.-Waiter at The Anxious Clown Restaurant

• Why do so many things end in fire? — Lemony Snicket

• What can be hidden in a book? — Lemony Snicket

• On the day you officially join the organization, you will hear a noise outside your home. It may sound like the howl of a wolf, the chirping of a cricket, the engine of an automobile, the keys of a typewriter, the striking of a match, or the turning of a page. The noise will come in the middle of the night, the middle of the morning, or, in very rare cases, late in the afternoon. Ask your parents what the noise was. If they reply 'nothing,' they are replying in code, because there is never 'nothing' outside one's home. If you are interested in volunteering, answer your parents with the following question: 'If there's nothing out there, what was that noise?' We will be listening, and will know it is safe to act. — The V.F.D.

• The Little Snicket Lad

Verse One

On a charming little cattle farm
Near a pretty deadly lake
Was a very pregnant woman
And her husband, known as Jake

Though they lived in a big mansion
Down Robber Road a tad
It was at the farm the lady
bore the little Snicket lad

Chorus:
And they took him, yea, they took him,
They took him far away
They took him in the dead of night
Beneath a moon of gray

They took him from the kitchen,
Like you'd take a midnight snack,
The V.F.D. they took him
and they never brought him back

Verse Two:
He was lively, and intelligent,
and drank a lot of milk,
his crib was made of silver,
and his diapers sewn from silk

Both his siblings watched him,
and his mother and his dad,
But someone else was watching,
O'er the little Snicket lad

Chorus:
And they took him, yea, they took him,
They took him far away
They took him in the dead of night
Beneath a moon of gray

They took him from the kitchen,
Like you'd take a midnight snack,
The V.F.D. they took him
and they never brought him back

They took him from the kitchen,
and dropped him on the way,
He fell up on the darkened ground
and tried to crawl away

Verse Three:
One evening Jake was chopping wood
And his wife was at the mill
The two siblings were drinking tea
And the house was very still

They came in through the windows
Not the door which was the fad
A long black car was parked outside
For the little Snicket lad

Chorus:
And they took him, yea, they took him,
They took him far away
They took him in the dead of night
Beneath a moon of gray

They took him from the kitchen,
Like you'd take a midnight snack,
The V.F.D. they took him
and they never brought him back

Coda:
"When we grab you by the ankles
Where our mark is to be made
you'll soon be doing noble work
Although you won't be paid

When we drive away in secret
You'll be a volunteer
So don't scream where we take you
THE WORLD IS QUIET HERE. --pg. 8-19

• As the aphorism says, "If you have to ask, you can't afford it." --Veritable French Diner