Sourced

• I ain't an athlete, lady. I'm a ballplayer.
  • "John Kruk Stats", Baseball-Almanac.com (accessed 2006-04-14)

• My wife told me I'm not as disgusting to her as I used to be.
  • Nutrisystems for Men ad, promo code PAR1507.

Unsourced

• No mascots on the field. Shoot anything that looked like it escaped from Sesame Street.
  • When asked how he would change the game