Jay

• Holy fuck, is that monkey waving at us? Oh shit, it understood us! Maybe it's some kind of supermonkey. What if there's more supermonkeys up at that lab? [shouts] What if they're creating an army of them? Holy shit. It must be a conspiracy like in the X-Files... Roswell style! This little monkey could be the fuckin' damn dirty ape responsible for the fall of the human race. In this world gone mad, we won't spank the monkey — the monkey will spank us. And after the fall of man, these monkey fucks'll start wearing our clothes and rebuilding the world in their image. Oh, and only those as super-smart as me will be left alive to bitterly cry "You maniacs! Damn yous! Goddamn yous all to hell!"

• Tickets? Since when did they start charging for the bus? Didn't we used to ride that shit to school every morning for free?

Holden

• Why in God's name would I wanna keep writing about characters whose central preoccupations are weed and dick and fart jokes? I mean, ya gotta grow, man. Don't you ever want anything more for yourself? I know this poor hapless son of a bitch [Silent Bob] does. I look into his sorry doe eyes and I just, I see a man crying out. He's crying out "When Lord? When the fuck can your servant ditch this foulmouthed little chucklehead, to whom I am a constant victim of his folly, so much so that it prevents him from ever getting to kiss a girl! Fuck! When, Lord, when? When's gonna be my time?"

Brodie

• [to a customer who is bending a comic book's spine] It is a comic book, not your dick! Show some respect. Hold it like you'd hold a woman.

Brent

• [trying to compose a protest song] Hey, Mr. Science Guy... don't spray that aerosol in my eye... for... for I... I don't really wanna die. I'm a noble rabbit...

Dialogue

Holden: Stop the movie? What are you, crazy?

Jay: All these assholes on the Internet are calling us names because of this stupid fucking movie.

Holden: That's what the Internet is for. Slandering others anonymously.

Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: Echo Base, I've got a 10-07: two unauthorized on the lot. Requesting backup.

Echo Base: [on Gordon's walkie-talkie] I thought that was a 10-82.

Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: No, sir. A 10-82 is disappearing a dead hooker from Ben Affleck's trailer.

Whillenholly: Fire a warning shot into his bulbous ass.

Sheriff: One rectal breach comin' up.