Joe Bauers

• I need for you to be serious for a second here, okay? I need help.
• They're watering crops with a sports drink?
• You know things are bad when they're coming to me for answers.
• Today I step into the shoes of a great man, a man by the name of Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho.

Rita

• You think Einstein walked around thinkin' everyone was a bunch of dumb shits? Now you know why he built that bomb.

Frito Pendejo

• I like money.
• Go Away, I'm 'batin'!
• I like havin' sex with women.
• There's a shuttle down in the Costco. It'll drop us right by the time machine.
• [walking through Costco] Yeah, I know this place pretty good. I went to law school here.
• If I had some money and a room at the White House, I'd be like, "It's mine, all night!"

President Camacho

• So you're smart, huh? I thought your head would be bigger.
• Shut up. Sit your monkey ass down. Chill out.
• I know shit's bad right now with all that starvin' bullshit. And the dust storms. And we runnin' out of French Fries and burrito coverings. But I got a solution.
• Come on Scro, don't be a pussy! Besides, you do a kick ass job and you get a full pardon.

Narrator

• But the English language had deteriorated into a hybrid of hillbilly, valley girl, inner city slang, and various grunts.
• Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator had come to replace water virtually everywhere.
• After several hours, Joe finally gave up on logic and reason, and simply told the cabinet that he could talk to plants and that they wanted water.

Advertisements

• If you don't smoke Tarryltons, fuck you!
• Carl's Jr: Fuck you, I'm eating.

Miscellaneous

• Formica Davis: Well, it started off boring and slow, with Not Sure trying to bullshit everyone with a bunch of smart talk: '"Blah blah blah. You gotta believe me!"' That part of the trial sucked! But then the Chief J. just went off. He said, '"Man, whatever! The guy's guilty as shit! We all know that."' And he sentenced his ass to one night of rehabilitation.
• Carl's Jr. Computer: Enjoy your EXTRA BIG ASS FRIES!
• Various: I like money.
• Time Machine Narrator: ...First to the year 1939 when Charlie Chaplin and his evil Nazi regime enslaved Europe and tried to take over the world! ... But then an even greater force emerged: The un [United Nations]! And the un un-nazi'd the world! Forever!
• Costco Greeter: Welcome to Costco, I love you... Welcome to Costco, I love you...
• Dr. Lexus: Don't wanna sound like a dick or nothin', but it says on your chart that you're fucked up. Ah, you talk like a fag, and your shit's all retarded. What I'd do, is just like... ha ha... like... aha... you know, like, you know what I mean, like... haha...
• Dr. Lexus: Don't worry scrote! There are plenty of 'tards out there living really kick ass lives. My first wife was 'tarded. She's a pilot now.

Dialogue

Joe: Why me? Every time Metzler says, "Lead, follow, or get out of the way," I get out of the way.

Sgt. Keller: Yeah, when he says that, you're not supposed to choose "get out of the way." It's supposed to embarrass you into leading, or at least following.

Joe: That doesn't embarrass me.

[Joe's Hibernation Pod crashes through Frito's window]

Joe: Where's...?

Frito: Hold on. Shut up.

Joe: Where's Officer Collins?

Frito: Shut up!

Joe: Are we on base?

Frito: I'll base your ass on my fist- face- ass! Shut up!

Joe: I'm sorry, it's just, where am I?

Frito: Shut up! I told you already.

[Frito throws Joe out the window]

Frito: Yeah! Won't Shut up! Come in here and not shut up. Yeah, you're like "I'm not shuttin' up..."

Program: Please speak your name as it appears on your current federal identity card. Document number G24L8.

Joe: I'm not sure if—

Program: You have entered the name "Not Sure". Is this correct, Not Sure?

Joe: No, it's not correct.

Program: Thank you. "Not" is correct. Is "Sure" correct?

Joe: No it's not. My name is Joe—

Program: You've already confirmed your first name is "Not". Please confirm your last name "Sure".

Joe: My last name is not "Sure".

Program: Thank you, "Not Sure".

Joe: No. What I mean is that my name is Joe.

Program: Confirmation is complete. Please wait while I tattoo your new identity on your arm.

Joe: Man, I could really go for a Starbucks, you know?

Frito: Yeah, well, I really don't think we have time for a hand job, Joe.

Frito: I can't believe you like money too. We should hang out.

Cameraman: Totally.

Rita:You think Einstein walked around thinkin' everyone was a bunch of dumb shits?

Joe: Yeah. Hadn't thought of that.

Rita: Now you know why he built that bomb.

[Frito is struggling to read an advertisement]

Cameraman: Why you keep trying to read that word? You a fag?

Frito: I'll fag your face.

[Frito punches Cameraman in the face]

Frito: It's you! Oh man, I really love your show.

Ow! My Balls! Guy(Hormel Chavez): Thank you so much.

[Frito kicks the man in the crotch]

Cast

• Luke Wilson — Private Joe Bauers
• Maya Rudolph — Rita
• Dax Shepard — Frito Pendejo
• Terry Crews — President Camacho
• Brendan Hill — Secretary of Energy
• David Herman — Secretary of State
• Sara Rue — Attorney General
• Stephen Root — Judge Hank "The Hangman" BMW
• Michael McCafferty - Officer Collins
• Thomas Haden Church — Brawndo CEO
• Justin Long — Dr. Lexus
• Andrew Wilson — Beef Supreme
• Jennifer Vasquez — Camacho's Groupie (uncredited)
• Scarface — Upgrayedd