Grumpy Old Men is a 1993 Warner Bros. comedy film starring Jack Lemmon, Walter Matthau, and Ann-Margret, with Burgess Meredith, Daryl Hannah, Kevin Pollak, Katie Sagona, Ossie Davis, and Buck Henry.
Directed by Donald Petrie. Written by Mark Steven Johnson.

Dialogue

John and Max cleaning the snow off their cars

John: Did you hear about Eddie Hicks?

Max: Hypothermia's a bitch. It ain't quick like a stroke.

John: A stroke's no damn good; you could end up a vegetable!

Max: You know what Jacob said. Jacob said that old Billy Henchel was killed in a car crash. Head on collision with a freight truck. Cleared his car straight over the bridge into the Mississippi.

John: Lucky bastard.

Max: You bet.

John: Hey, how is he anyway?

Max: He's dead! Died on impact!

John: Jacob, moron. Jacob!

---

John tells his father that Ariel moved in.

John: Did you hear, someone moved into the old Klickner place? A woman.

Grandpa: A woman?

John: Yeah.

Grandpa: Did you mount her?

John: Ohhh, Dad!

Grandpa: Well the woman, does she have big thighs?

John: No!

Grandpa: No?! Then what's the problem? If I was a young fella like you, I'd be mounting every woman in Wabasha. (Grabs the six pack of beer out of his son's hands). Keep the change!

---

Max: Morning, dickhead.

John: Hello, moron.

---

Max: Hey dickhead, win the lottery?

John: Enjoy your shower, smartass?

---

John and Max asking Chuck about his visit to Ariel.

Max: Your old pal failed you, huh Chuck?

John: Ohhhh, couldn't rise to the occasion?

Max: Yes, the spirit was willing...

John: Yeah, but the flesh was, uh....

Max: Weak! Weak!

---

John is worried about having safe sex.

John (to Ariel, who just locked his door): What are you doing?

Ariel: I said it's time for bed.

John: Hold on, I'm...I'm not prepared. See, these days, they say you have to do...safe sex.

Ariel: John, when was the last time you made love?

John: October 4th....1978.

Ariel: Oh, I think we're safe.....

Snyder and Max Goldman while John is in the hospital:

Snyder: Beautiful day, Mr. Goldman.

Max:Hey, Snyder! Why don't you do the world a favor and take your lower lip and pull it over your head and swallow?" (Laughs)

Outtakes

Various takes of Grandpa and John watching Chuck visit John's new neighbor Ariel.

• Grandpa: Looks like Chuck's slipping her the old salami!
• Grandpa: Looks like Chuck's taking the skin boat to tuna town!
• Grandpa: Looks like Chuck's going put the hot dog in the bun!
• Grandpa: Looks like Chuck's going for a ride on the wild baloney pony!
• Grandpa: Looks like Chuck's a tom cat on the prowl - meow!
• Grandpa: Looks like Chuck's taking the ol' log to the beaver!
• Grandpa: Looks like he's gonna enter the holy of holies! Coitus Uninterruptus!
• Grandpa: Looks like Chuck's gonna bury his boner!
• Grandpa: Looks like Chuck's taking ol' One-Eye to the optometrist!
  • Of these, the last was the line that made the final cut of the film.

• Matthau: Hello, I'm Ronald Regan. I used to be President of the United States. I live across the street over there. I was also in the movies for a while...
• Matthau: Hey, did he... does he... would he... is he...?

Lemmon: Yes, he is.

• Lemmon: I throw back what I'm not going to eat.

Matthau: Oh, yeah, like that 40-pound musky you're always yakin' about! It's a shame that, that, um... your uncle has a fish market on 23rd street and...

Lemmon: 46th!

Matthau: And...

Lemmon: 46th street, you dummy!

Matthau: You schmuck!

• Matthau: If I knew there was going to be a nude scene in this picture I would've asked for another million.
• Lemmon: [to Matthau, after his character left in a limousine] Who left?