Farscape: The Peacekeeper Wars Quotations

Farscape: The Peacekeeper Wars is a television science fiction mini-series written by Rockne S. O'Bannon and David Kemper and directed by Brian Henson. Following the Farscape series' unexpected cancellation in September 2002, it aimed to wrap-up the season four cliffhanger and tie up some elements of the series in general.

In May 2004, the Sci-Fi Channel announced that it would air a two-episode (four-hour) miniseries. It was broadcast on October 17 and 18, 2004.

Quotes

D'Argo: Grinchlik! I thought you were dead!

Grinchlik: Me? Hardly at all.

Crichton: You said yes.

Aeryn: I did.

Crichton: 60 days, any regrets?

Aeryn: No, it's going really well.

Crichton: Hey, we're gonna get married.

D'Argo & Chiana: Congratulations!

Eidelon: Begin again.

Crichton: Fine. For the 89th time....once upon a time there was a boy named John and John was an astronaut. He lived in a far away place called Earth which is so far away you've never heard of it. One day when John was out doing astronaut things a big, blue wormhole gobbled him up and spat him out at the far end of the universe. Things were looking grim in Mudville, till our hero met an amazing living ship, made some nice new friends, and he hooked up with his dream girl. We could've lived happily ever after, but the Peacekeepers raped, chased and tortured us for years on end. And two months ago, we got our asses shot off again. This time it was the Scarrans, big reptiles, oh! And Moya, our living ship, limped her way to your happy planet for a little R&R, because, we figure, it's empty! Hey, no one is gonna bother us -

[flashback to John and Aeryn on the boat]

Crichton: We're gonna have a baby. Will you marry me?

Aeryn: Yes.

[back to the present interrogation]

Crichton: Next thing, me and the future Mrs. Crichton are have a private moment when you guys fly by - boom - badda bing - squiggly line, squiggly line - crystalized and it's two months later.

Aeryn: I feel different.

Crichton: Different how? Like ice cream cucumber different? Everything is going to be OK. Do you know why? Because we're done. We're checking out, finito, next Ferengi we see - we run. No questions later.

Chiana: What's their problem?

Stark: Fear. Abject fear.

Noranti: Fear of what?

Stark: Their fear extends to not talking about their fear.

Harvey: (about Scorpius) He does not play dice with the universe.

[Harvey keeps raising his hand to the chalkboard, saying "zig hiel" in a very Nazi type way]

Crichton: Listen up, Strangelove.

[John writes Fuck Off on the chalkboard]

Crichton:: Make sure he gets that message.

Crichton: I don't think the Peacekeepers are any better than the Scarrans. So make sure you validate your parking on the way out.

[pointing a pulse pistol at Rygel]

Aeryn: You are ruining my wedding.

Crichton: Honey.

Aeryn: What?

Crichton: You're pointing a gun at the baby.

Crichton: That's a damn nice set of body armor. Does it come in blue? (more shooting) What the hell'd you do when you left the fatherland, steal the goose that laid the golden egg.

Scorpius: I deserted my post.

Crichton: It's amazing what a man'll do when he's in love.

Aeryn: Who's taking fire?

Crichton: Ha! Who isn't?

Aeryn: Are you all right?

Crichton: Hell, other than being shot at by the Electric Mayhem, I'm fantastic.

Rygel (to Jool): Get your own fantasy, dreadlocks, they're having MY baby.

Yondalao: Are you assassin?

Crichton: No, I'm just the guy without a brain. The lion here would like some courage. Tin man, he needs a heart. Todo here just wants an easy birth and Dorothy here, she is just looking for a way home. Now we're not going to be here tomorrow so I suggest you take a long, hard look at our broomstick. He is your heir.

Crichton: Is it just me, or is he getting bigger?

Aeryn: It's a geometric pregnancy.

Crichton: Please tell me that means we're going to have a mathematician.

Crichton: You just made a joke.

Aeryn: Soldiers don't have a sense of humor.

Crichton: You better have my dinner ready when I get back on that ship now.

Crichton: You know what, the big hand says I don't have time to argue, and the little hand says, Pikall, it's time to go.

War Minister Ahkna: The Emperor will never go alone with you in your craft. I will accompany you.

Crichton: Yes! It's always good to see who wears the britches in a relationship.

Emperor Staleek: No, set a course to rejoin the battlegroup at the Water Planet. We will leave as soon as I return.

Crichton (to Ahkna): It's a question of balls. The ball's in his court.

Staleek: There is no wormhole here.

Crichton: We're catching the 7:15 to enlightenment. It's just a little late.

Ahkna: I promise you, you will never be reunited with your baby.

Aeryn: I'm sure your mother wished the same thing.

Staleek: This is the source of your knowledge?

Crichton: That, and the backs of cereal boxes. Hitch up your diaper, Big Boy; the first time is always the worst.

Einstein: Returning here was wrong.

Crichton: I have to protect the people I love, and you owe me for putting that crap in my head.

Einstein: It may soon be prudent to remove it.

Crichton: Amen, I want to be blonde again.

Crichton (to Staalek): We should get back, before Rygel damages your wife.

D'Argo:John, Aeryn - are you there?

Crichton: Oh, I'm hearing dead people. D, how are you alive?

D'Argo: Long story. Can I give you a ride?

Crichton: Absolutely. In what?

D'Argo: Well, that's gonna be a big surprise. You stay put, we've got a fix on you. We'll come to you.

Crichton: Alright. You heard him folks. This is the Alamo.

Einstein: Time

Crichton: Flies

Einstein: Time

Crichton: Bandits

Einstein: Time

Crichton: Wounds all heels

Einstein: Time

Crichton: Rosemary and...

Einstein: Time

Crichton: Time ends

Aeryn: This is what you want. This is what you want.

Crichton: No, Aeryn, it is not what I want. It's just that fate keeps blocking all the exits. And no matter what I do I just keep circling closer to the flame.

Aeryn: Then pull back. This war is not your responsibility.

Crichton: You and the baby are my responsibility. How am I supposed to protect you from the Peacekeepers and the Scarrans and the Tregans and the lions and tigers and bears? With this? Winona? This gun? No gun is big enough.

Crichton: Your light, it's not your regular brand.

Braca: You're the reinforcements?

Crichton: No we're the band. Looks like Kiss was the opening act.

D'Argo: Frell, I'm in the wrong band.

Aeryn: We should disassemble the weaker munitions - make our own shock grenades.

Crichton: Arts and crafts, she's gonna be a great mom.

D'Argo: How's your honeymoon?

Crichton: Well, the brochure was better. I hear Bolivia is perfect for a honeymoon.

[D'Argo is mortally wounded and elects to stay behind to hold off the Scarrans.]

Crichton: You're the closest friend I have.

D'Argo: You could have done better.

Crichton: Nowhere in the universe.

D'Argo: You've got a lot of life to live, John. Do big things. (pause) Do me a favor.

Crichton: Name it.

D'Argo: Chiana

Crichton: I'll look after her...I'll take care...Nothing will happen to...

Crichton:The first Scarran you see, you tell him who his daddy is. Tell him, D'Argo.

[A few scenes later, the Charrids & Scarrans attack.]

D'Argo:I'm your daddy!

[D'Argo starts blasting.]

Rygel (to Aeryn, of the baby): I don't care what you say, it's got my nose.

Crichton: Come here. Closer. You want to see it? The thing you've been chasing my ass all over the universe for? Torturing me, my wife, my friends for? The wormhole weapon? You want to see it?

Scorpius: Yes

Crichton: Beg

Scorpius: I beg you.

Crichton: That's not good enough. Say please.

Scorpius: Please

Crichton: Pretty please

Scorpius: Pretty please

Together: With a cherry on top.

Crichton: Happy Birthday. Now, get out of my sight.

Scorpius: Is this some kind of joke?

Crichton: Cosmic. Keep watching, blink and you'll miss it. (John points to a spot appearing in the distance.) There. Isn't that sweet. Baby's gonna grow. Pilot, are my comms open? It's time for a birth announcement.

Pilot: Comms are open, Commander.

Crichton: Attention ladies & gentlemen and all ships at sea. If you look out your front window, you will see, by special request, your very own wormhole weapon.

Chiana: Crichton, what's happening?

Crichton: The end of all this crap. Hey, Emperor Sleestack - you big upright iguana! - What does it look like from the Death Star? ... Can I get a huzzah from the grand Peacekeeper Bitch! Wormhole at 12 o'clock, Lucy.

Crichton: Okay boys and girls, here are the rules. Find a penny, pick it up. Double it, you've got two pennies. Double it again - four. Double it 27 more times, and you've got a million dollars and the IRS all over your ass. Round and round and round it goes, where it stops nobody knows, but it all adds up...quick.

Crichton: Here's how it lays out. Are you listening Stahleek? Grayza? Wormhole weapons do not make peace. Wormhole weapons do not even make war. They make total destruction, annihilation, Armageddon. People make peace.

Chiana: Crichton, can you stop it?

Crichton: I don't know, Pip. Maybe it eats the whole galaxy, a monumental black hole, a giant whirling headstone marking the spot where we all used to live and play and slaughter the innocent.

Scorpius: This is insane, Crichton.

[John lets out a choked laugh.]

Crichton: God! Four years on and you're finally getting that.

Harvey: Good-bye, John. Thanks for your memories.

[holding his baby up to spaceship viewport]

Crichton: This is your playground.

Cast

Ben Browder - Commander John Robert Crichton, Jr.
Claudia Black - Officer Aeryn Sun
Anthony Simcoe - Ka D'Argo
Jonathan Hardy - Dominar Rygel XVI (voice)
Gigi Edgley - Chiana
Lani Tupu - Pilot (voice)
Wayne Pygram - Scorpius/"Harvey"
Paul Goddard - Stark
Tammy MacIntosh - Joolushko 'Jool' Tunai Fenta Hovalis
Raelee Hill - Sikozu Svala Shanti Sugaysi Shanu
Melissa Jaffer - Utu-Noranti Pralatong