Everybody Loves Raymond Quotations

Everybody Loves Raymond (1996 – 2005) was a long-running CBS sitcom about a successful sports writer Ray Barone, whose oddball family life consists of a fed up wife, overbearing parents (who live across the street), and an older brother with lifelong jealousy of Ray.

Pilot [1.01]

Ray: Okay, alright, I'm gonna ask you quickly and quietly to move to your nearest exit.

Debra: How did he ever become a police sergeant?

Ray: Cause he's a good cop, and they didn't make him count. Or eat.

Ray: Listen, Ma, I want to talk about Debra's birthday...

Marie: My god, talk about birthdays. Your birthday gift to me finally came this morning. Did you know they sent me a box of pears?

Ray: Yeah.

Marie: From a place called "Fruit Of The Month"?

Ray: That's right, how are they?

Marie: They're very nice pears. But, there are so many of them. There are over a dozen pears. What am I supposed to do with all those pears?

Ray: I think you're supposed to eat them.

Marie: Myself?

Ray: You and Dad and Robert.

Marie: How many pears can Robert eat? I appreciate the thought, but please, don't ever send us any more fruit again. Thanks.

Ray: Another box is coming next month.

Marie: What??!! More pears??!!

Ray: No, it's a different fruit every month.

Marie: Every month??!!

Ray: Yes, that's why it's called "Fruit Of The Month" Club.

Marie: It's a club??!! Oh, my god! What do I do with all this fruit?

Ray: Most people like it, Ma, they share it with their friends.

Marie: Which friends?

Ray: I don't know. Lee and Stan?

Marie: Lee and Stan buy their own fruit. Why did you do this to me? I can't talk, there's too much fruit in the house.

[Frank walks in.]

Marie: [to Frank] Do you know the fruit keeps coming, month after month? [pointing at Ray] He's got us in some kind of a cult.

Ray: It's not a cult, it's a club.

Frank: What do you mean, month after month? For how long?

Ray: A year.

Frank: My god, are you out of your mind? What do you think we are? Invalids? We can't go out and get our own fruit?

Marie: I tried to tell him.

Ray: Alright, I'll cancel the Fruit Club.

Frank: Marie--

Marie: I can't talk! There's too much fruit in the house!

Ray: Let's see, when I proposed you were 23. You said no.

Debra: Right.

Ray: Then I proposed; you were 24

Ray & Debra: No again.

Ray: Right, then I took a year off to regroup then I came back with a job; BOOM, married. That would make you 32----ish.

Robert: When did he get this?

Marie: Oh, that's an award your brother got for his sports-column.

Robert: Never ends for Raymond...

Marie: Oh, poor Robbie.

Robert: Everybody loves Raymond. I go to work people shoot at me, Ray goes to work and people do the wave. Then he sits down, has a hotdog, doodles on a piece of paper and they give him a trophy.

Marie: I've got baking soda! I smelled something questionable in the fridge.

Ray: From across the street?

Marie: No, when I was here yesterday. Oh, It's worse!

Ray: Time to leave, Dad. Buckle up... What're you doing?

Frank: [sniffing the twins' heads] I'm sucking the youth!

[Later]

Debra: The twins' heads smell like Old Spice. Your dad was here. Sucking the youth.

Ray: Why don't you go out with Linda tomorrow?

Debra: And leave the kids with your parents?

Ray: No, I'll do the kids

Debra: Pffff...

Ray: I can do it. What about the time when you went to your aunt's for three days?

Debra: I took the kids with me!

Ray: Yeah, but I fed myself.

Marie: But where is Debra?

Ray: She went to the movies with Linda.

Marie: The movies? Some people get to live it up.

Ray: Hey, look at this, Cal Ripken signed my hat!

Debra: Oh that's great, look at this, Gregory spit up on my shirt.

Ray: I'm not trading.

I Love You [1.02]

Ray: Are you ok?

Debra: I'm fine.

Ray: Uh oh, fine is bad. What is it? What's the matter?

Debra: Nothing.

Ray: Nothing...nothing is worse!

Debra: I love you

Ray: ...And I you

[Debra walks off]

Ray: Debra! DEBRA!

Ally: STELLA!

Frank: [to Marie and Robert] This love stuff....we never mention it again.

Ray: Oh, now I don't love you?

Debra: You don't say it.

Ray: I do.

Debra: No, you don't.

Ray: I do!

Debra: When do you say it?

Ray: WITH MY EYES!

Ray: Listen dad, when was the last time you said I love you to someone?

Frank: What? Do you live in a freaking fairyland?

Marie: When we first got married, I said "I love you" all the time.

Frank: When? When did you say it?

Marie: I said it all the time!

Ray: Were you in my office, mom?

Marie: Yeah I was trying to get a pen to do the crossword puzzles. You know, your desk drawer is locked.

Debra and Ray: Yeah we lock it now. It keeps the kids out.

Marie: Oh, that's a good idea! I broke a knife in it.

Robert: You know that shampoo that says "no more tears" on the bottle? There's tears.

Waitress: Extra sauce!

Bernie: She's the saucy one.

Waitress: And the assorted fried cheeses plate.

Ray: He's the fat one!

Ray: Hey, that's tongue. I thought you were a vegetarian.

Ray: [on the phone] Yea, I miss you too. Okay, yea, I'll see you tomorrow. And honey, I love you. Good, well, get used to it because I'm gonna say it all the time. Okay. Now give the phone to mommy.

I Wish I Were Gus [1.03]

Frank: Ray, I've got some news. I don't know the best way to break this... Your great-uncle Gus, dead!

Ray: Oh, no I liked him

Robert: Yeah me too... Hey nuts!(referring to a bowl of nuts on the table)

Frank: He wants you to deliver his eulogy

Ray: Why? I hardly knew the guy.

Frank: It was his dying wish.

Robert: Even dead people love Raymond.

Alda: What's your problem Marie? I can't even say a word without you topping me.

Marie: I can't help it, you're easily topped!

Marie: You never even sent a gift

Alda: My gift was that I came at all

Marie: What kind of a horse's ass gift is that?

Alda: You'd be lucky to have a horse's ass!

[Ally drew a moustache on Geoffrey]

Frank: Can Hitler have a juice-box?

Debra: Hey, do you know what I think is really sexy?

Ray: What?

Debra: A man who does the dishes

Ray: No, does nothing for me... Do you know what does it for me? A woman who does the dishes... with another woman!

Ray: Some funeral, huh?

Debra: Yeah.

Ray: Wanna do it?

Ray: Hi, I'm Ray. I'm here to talk about...Gus Batrone.

Robert: Haaaaarrrr!!!

Ray: Thank you.

Standard Deviation [1.04]

Ray: You know I read somewhere where the happiest marriages are the ones where the man is smarter.

Debra: Oh, guess who wrote that...

[Ray puts away tax papers and sits next to Debra]

Debra: You promised you'd get this done!

Ray: That's not the point. The point is that... I will rub your feet!

Debra: You gotta, you gotta get this done.

[Ray pulls off Debra's socks and starts rubbing her bare feet]

Ray: Don't worry, in fact the whole idea of rubbing feet makes me sick.

Debra: Just shut up and rub.

[Ray continues to massage her feet, but starts tickling them as well]

Debra: That's not rubbing, that's tickling!

[Robert walks in]

Robert: Glad to see you're not busy.

[Ray is still caressing Debra's bare feet]

Ray: What makes you think we're not busy, Rob?

Debra: There's more than one kind of intelligence Ray.

Frank: That's right. There's STREET SMARTS!

[Debra smashes a bowl of ice cream into Ray's lap]

Ray: Mmm, fudgey.

Look Don't Touch [1.05]

[Andy is staring at Angelina, the attractive waitress.]

Andy: So, Angelina, how are you?

Angelina: Did you want something?

Andy: No, thanks. I just thought we could talk.

Bernie: [Angelina walks away] Ahh, did you smell her?

Ray: No, I read the sign Bernie, "Thank You for not smelling the help."

Bernie: Oh, man look at her. If I wasn't married, do you know what I'd do?

Ray: You'd wear the same underwear every day.

Frank: Hello, ladies!

Ray: What are you doing here?

Frank: Hehehe, I came to check out the new waitress.

Ray: Oh god.

Angelina: Hello, will you be staying for lunch?

Frank: Holy Crap! Uh....yes, I will, thank you.

[Marie thinks Ray might have an affair with Angelina, the attractive waitress]

Debra: Marie, I'm not worried. I trust Ray.

Marie: Oh, I'm not worried about Raymond either, dear. I'm worried about that pizza parlor putana!

Ray: [to Angelina] I'm sorry that was rude of me. This is Debra, the little lady. I don't mean little in a size way, or that she doesn't matter. She's my lady. She's my great big lady.

Frank, the Writer [1.06]

Robert: Michael threw his milk at me!

Frank: Isn't that great? That could be my second story! The digest loves a naughty baby.

Debra: Ray, Robert is still here.

Ray: Hey, Robert! What are you doing here?

Robert: I had a suspicion I needed to confirm.

Debra: Robert, what's wrong?

Robert: I don't think Michael loves me anymore.

Debra: What are you talking about?

Robert: He's not like Geoffery, he seems standoffish.

Ray: You do know Michael is a baby, right?

Robert: Just a feeling. Cop's instinct. He wants nothing to do with me.

Your Place or Mine? [1.07]

[Ray and Debra are going over their bills.]

Debra: According to this, we can afford a car phone.

Ray: No. No car phone.

Debra: Why? Why do you fight technology?

Ray: I'm against technology?

Debra: Yeah.

Ray: Who introduced you to Wonderbra?

Ray: All three kids asleep. You thought I couldn't get Ally to take a nap.

Debra: Good job, honey.

Ray: Yeah. By the way, tomorrow we have to buy a pony.

Debra: Would you look at this great big stain here? The carpet guy swore up and down that he could get it out.

Ray: I don't want to hear about stains. The kids are asleep, the house is quiet. Now it's quality time. Just me and you.

[Ray starts reading the newspaper.]

Debra: You better be looking at jewelery ads.

[Marie barges into the house.]

Marie: Your father has finally done it.

Ray: What's that, learned to buckle his pants?

Frank: I've got the complete works of Arnold Schwarzenegger, except the one where he gets pregnant.

Debra: Where's Frank?

Ray: By now he's probably taping the toilet seat so he never has to flush.

Debra: Ray! She's in there chiseling my head stone!

Debra: [To Ray, about Marie] Anything she cooks for me you're tasting first.

Ray: You hear that?

Debra: No, I don't hear anything.

Ray: That’s the sound of all our clothes being refolded.

Frank: It's the celery that makes "tuna salad" tuna salad. What you gave me was tuna slop!

Frank: I can be sweet....it takes people time to discover that.

Debra: Robert, just do what I do; tell him you're tired and he'll climb off.

In-Laws [1.08]

Lois: So, how are things going with you, Robert?

Robert: Well, you know, one day you're rescuing a puppy, the next you're fishing a skull out of a toilet.

Ray: These people shouldn't be at the same table together. They shouldn't be in the same state!

Win, Lose or Draw [1.09]

Debra: You lost $2300 to your father?!?!

Ray: Relax, alright? We're gonna get the money back.

Debra: How?

Ray: When he dies.

[Robert interrogates Ray and Frank for illegally gambling.]

Ray: What the hell are you doing?

Robert: "Good Cop/Bad Cop". It's just taking a little longer because there's only one of me.

Marie: You're giving him back that money!

Frank: Like hell, I am! I want to teach him a lesson. You up the stakes, you lose a lot. Play with fire, you're going to get burned.

[Waves check in front of Raymond]

Frank: AND ALWAYS, THANK YOU, COME AGAIN!

Frank: You're not talking to me?

Marie: Nope.

Frank: [smiling] I just keep winning.

Marie: This is for you.

Debra: Ahh. But I thought Frank said...

Marie: No, he doesn't know anything about that. This is my money.

Debra: You have money?

Marie: Oh... My father, oh, such a wise man. On my wedding day, he took me aside, gave me $200, and said, "Here". This is if you come to your senses and leave Frank.

Debra: Wow. My dad only gave me fifty.

Ray: For the last time I'm not taking the money. I lost it, that's all. I'm a big boy alright? If I take the money what kind of message does that send to my kids? That no matter what happened you can go to your father and he'll make everything ok?

Frank: You're right. You're right.

Ray: What, what am I right about?

Frank: You should be able to go to your father, and he should be able to make it ok. [Gives Ray his money back]

Frank: So Ray, you feel like a winner?

Ray: Not really.

Turkey or Fish [1.10]

Ally: My teacher says they had fish at the first Thanksgiving.

Ray: Yeah, well, people were stupid then, sweetie!

Debra: Look, Ray, we want to start our own tradition, and Ally wants it to be like the first Thanksgiving.

Ray: Well, why don't we have some smallpox then, too?

Ray: You want me to convince my parents to come here, and my sales pitch is, "mmm, mmm, fish!"

Ray: I got the last of the baking powder. I had to fight two old ladies to get it.

Debra: What did you do?

Ray: Nothing I'm proud of.

Ray: Debra, calm down. You're reacting to missing squash like the time we left Ally at the mall!

Debra: I can't compete with your mother's turkey Ray, the woman has giblets in her blood!

Ray: My mom is such a great cook. Thanksgiving, that's kinda what makes my mom...worth it.

Frank: [Looking at the TV] What the hell is this crap?

Warren: That's soccer. Frank, only in America is football the game that you're familiar with. In many countries, when people refer to football, they actually mean soccer!

Frank: In many countries people eat cats.

Uncle Mel: My god! That fish smell is like a....a punch in the face.

Marie: Where do you want me to put this turkey?

Debra: I'll tell you where you can put it...

Debra's Mother: You want some yams?

Uncle Mel: No, I hate yams.

Ally [dressed up as a yam]: You hate yams?

Debra: Aw, honey, he doesn't hate ALL yams.

Uncle Mel: Yes, I do, I hate them, they're very binding!

Captain Nemo [1.11]

Ally: Mommy, that man over there is smoking!

Dave: Narc!

Ally: Good morning, Mommy.

Debra: Hi, honey. Where's Daddy?

Ally: In the shower singing. He's terrible!

Debra: You know I gave up some stuff when we had kids.

Ray: I know...did it have to be sex?

The Ball [1.12]

Marie: Why do you insist on making this car wreck our Christmas tree every year? I want a real tree.

Frank: An artificial tree saves water, saves the forest, and saves the planet. I'm a conservationist.

Marie: You're cheap.

Debra: Mommy is just wrestling daddy.

Ray: Wait, Mickey Mantle didn't sign this ball? It isn't real?

Frank: It's a real ball.

Marie: What's the matter?

Ray: Nothing, nothing's the matter.

Debra: Oh nothing at all, except Ray was just about to tell Ally the truth about Santa Claus.

Marie: You what?!?!

Ray: NO, I didn't tell her.

Marie: My own son, an atheist?!?!

Robert: [to Ray] Ma told me what you did... nice.

[Robert enters dressed as Santa Claus.]

Robert: Merry Christmas! Is Ally here? I understand there are doubts about me in this house!

Ray: There are now. Come on, Robert--

Robert: No, you have me mistaken for some other party for I'm jolly old Saint Nick.

[Ally walks in.]

Debra: Look, Ally, it's Santa Claus.

Ally: Santa?

Robert: Yes, it is really I, and I came to see you Ally because I heard you were a very good girl this year and you're going to get everything you want. [to Ray] Unlike some other people. [in disgust] Ho ho ho ho ho.

Ray: Hold the ho's, I want to talk to you for a minute.

Robert: I'm sorry, I'm with a client. And you may call me Mr. Claus.

[Frank enters, dressed as Santa.]

Frank: Where's Ally?

[Frank notices Robert.]

Frank: Ho-ho-holy crap. What are you doing here?

Robert: I'm Santa Claus.

Frank: You're Santa?

Ray: Okay, will you guys cut it out already. She's confused enough as it is.

Frank: What's there to be confused about? I'm the real Santa! Who is this imposter?

Debra: Well, you couldn't both be Santa. You must be Santa's helpers.

Frank: Right! He's my helper. Helper, why don't you warm up the reindeer and bring the sled around?

Robert: I bet you can't even name the reindeer.

Frank: Ruldoph! Donner, Blitzen... those are the main ones. We rotate them so they wear evenly. Cupid! Ajax! And... Lefty!

Robert: Now we know the truth.

[Ally pulls off Robert's Santa beard]

Ally: It's Uncle Robert!

Robert: [in Santa voice] No, no. I have merely assumed the body of a life form suitable to you.

Ray: Robert ... you're Santa, not a Klingon.

Frank: You mean that even though you know that ball's a fake it still means something to you?

Ray: Yeah, yeah dad.

Frank: Then this Christmas you're gonna love the Rolex I got you.

The Game [1.17]

Marie: Oooh, suddenly you have scruples.

Frank: I have scruples Marie. I've got scruples the size of basketballs.

Neighbors [1.20]

Priest: ...There was a man on our church council a few years ago. A decent enough fellow but a little abrasive. Oblivious to anyone else's feelings. I used to fantasize about him converting to Judaism. I wanted to get him out of my hair. One day I said Frank...

Ray: Wait, the man's name was Frank?

Priest: That's not important. What's important is...

Ray: Frank Barone?

Priest: You know Frank Barone?!

Ray: He's my father!

Priest: Your parents are Frank and Marie Barone?!

Ray: Yes!!!

Priest: You're absolved.

Ray: What?

Priest: Our Lord forgives your thoughts.

Ray: Really?

Priest: Well, I could look it up but I'm almost positive.

Why Are We Here? [1.22]

Ray: So God made us smart enough to know there's an answer, but not smart enough to figure it out?

Frank: You want to know the meaning of life? You're born, you go to school, you go to work, you die. Marie... Canole

Father Knows Least [2.02]

Debra: What are you supposed to do Ray, take away her naptime?

Ray: If she keeps misbehaving, we're taking away something that is important to her! What've you done?

The Letter [2.11]

[after reading an insulting letter from Debra to Marie]

Frank: Is this a pettition? Where do I sign?

[Debra walks in]

Frank: You're my favorite writer!

Civil War [2.13]

[Frank is showing Ray and Robert how to act at a Civil War Re-enactment.]

Frank: Okay, I was just about to show Robert how to act when you get shot.

Ray: What, like upset?

Frank: No, it's got to be realistic. Here, let me show you. Robert, make a gunshot noise.

Robert: What caliber, .22 or .45?

Frank: Ray.

Ray: Bang.

[Frank grabs his chest and backs off.]

Frank: [yelling] I'm hit! Keep fighting, men. Kill those rebel bastards!

[Frank backs away some more, in an overly dramatic pose and after a few seconds lies still.]

Frank: Abigail. Dear Abigail, my pretty non-nagging Civil War wife.

[Frank gurgles and then finishes his acting by rolling his eyes. Ray and Robert stare on in disbelief. Frank gets up.]

Frank: See? Getting shot is fun.

Ray: Not if you're watching.

Good Girls [2.19]

Debra: So it was just the once and then you got married?

Frank: It was just the once and then we HAD to get married!

Marie: Oh, Frank! No!

T-Ball [2.20]

Frank: Oh, where are you throwing that ball?! Come on! Have an idea out there!

Ray: Dad. Others.

The Garage Sale [2.23]

Robert: Dad wants me to keep an eye on that one in sporting goods.

Ray: Do you really think Mrs. Scarpulla is going to steal cross country skis?

Robert: Not on my watch.

Ray Barone

Men don't like to cuddle. We only like it if it leads to... you know... lower cuddling.

He thinks the moral of the Adam and Eve story is; don't eat when you're naked.

I know you're small, but in bed space, you're like one of those monsters on the spaceship...

It's like getting into a hot bath. You know, at first, you don't think you can take it. But then, you know, once you get all your luggage in it's not that bad.

ESPN, nothing quite like it. Nothing even comes close. Well, ESPN 2.

Ok... the thing I said about lightening up... this is a little too light.

That's the rule of marriage. A spouse automatically has the right to know that you deflowered a woman in front of your entire apartment building.

Let's just hope Santa takes the cookies...

I got to take a shower. I smell like the winner.

It's a little hard to hug someone who chooses once a month to rip into you like a monkey on a cupcake!

Hey Robert, don't look now, I think that woman is giving you the eye... wait, no, it's the finger.

Great! Robert gets the Jelatto girl, and I get a sponge bath from Mrs. Mussolini.

Great, I finally have sex and I'm not even there!

So, your advice to me is I should shoot Byran Trenberth over a box of pretzels at a kids' T- ball game?

You know dad, you're not obligated to come to these games... or talk to me.

The only reason Debra keeps me alive is to open jars and kill bugs.

[after the twins have knocked his golf clubs down the stairs] Yeah... you won't be smiling when we send you a postcard from Disneyland.

[to Robert] I can't believe you're still living with them. If it was me I'd be cleaning off my fingerprints and rehearsing my 9-1-1 call.

Whatever my wife touches falls off, so you can imagine how worried I am.

Robert don't listen to him, he pees in the yard.

When I was a teenager I wanted to write the Great American novel. But then I realized that I didn't even want to read the Great American Novel.

I wish I were Einstein cause then I'd invent a time machine and go back to when you were nice.

You can't create fate cause then its not fate, its voodoo.

You will do anything to avoid having sex with me!

You've broadened the definition of the term "boogie" to include staying at home by yourself eating Wheat Thins?

When I dance, people think I'm looking for my keys.

Look, it may look like we're not busy, but get out!

[after giving his father a great gift and wondering how he's going to give one equally good next year] You don't get it. It's not that I don't have to worry for a year, it's that I have a YEAR to WORRY!

[after talking to his parents] You know, it's amazing I can function at all.

[after Robert takes off his shoes in Ray's car] We must have hit a skunk that crawled out of the ass of another skunk.

Rodeo? What's that police talk for whorehouse?

So for 30 seconds, you all thought I was dead? What did everybody do?

Devil thy name is women.

I know when people don't want to have sex with me.

[after Debra got a boob job] I will give everyone one thousand dollars to leave RIGHT NOW.

Frank Barone

Whatever helps you sleep at night, Peaches.

I could have eaten a box of Alpha-Bits and crapped a better interview!

You don't know a monkey wrench from a monkey's ass.

Do you know what "friendly fire" is? Well, sometimes it wasn't so friendly.

Marie, what the hell? One second you were making me pancakes, the next second you're gone. Which would be great if there were pancakes.

[after Robert returns from Inner Path] Hey, look, it's the Dalai Lama! (to the tune of Hello Dolly!) Hello Dalai, well hello Dalai, it's so nice that my son's head is filled with crap!

Oh, great. Mopey Dick.

'Luck' is the residue of good planning.

This is what it's going to say on my tombstone: "My son went to the Super Bowl and now I'm dead."

Holy crap!

Holy crappin' crap!

What in the holy name of crap are you talking about?

When are you going to learn Ray? You can't talk sports with the wife.

Anyone who can cook braciole like this deserves a hillside full of heavenly scented marigolds and daffodils.

Chuck Pacarello? Where the hell is he? That son of a bitch owes me. I'm serving his life sentence!

[to Ray] You're even dumber than I tell people.

[to Marie, while wiping her face clean of makeup] I like you better without all that crap in your face.

Maybe that's why I like animals. Woof. Moo. Quack. They tell it like it is.

Hormones: the enemy within.

[Debra just got the book "To Kill a Mockingbird" for her birthday even though it was christmas!] I killed a bird once.

You're a trophy wife? What contest in hell did I win?

[At a Karaoke Bar] Thank you ladies and gentlemen, my wife thinks I'm in the bathroom.

[After Marie asks Frank if he loves her] YOU STILL NEED REASSURANCE, AFTER 45 YEARS OF BONDAGE?!?

Debra Barone

You know what, I'm tired! Could you just call yourself an idiot?

Ray, don't you say one more word or I'm gonna send your mother back in here to smack the crap out of you.

When we're having a baby together, and I'm in labor, you could maybe help me to the car instead of looking for magazines you want to flip through while you're at the hospital.

When I got married I did't just get a husband, I got a whole freak show that set up their tent right across the street. And that will be fine if they just stayed there, but everyday, everyday they dump a truckload of their insane family dreck into my lap. How would you like to sit through two people in their sixties fighting over who invented the lawn...the lawn. And then the brother, "I live in an apartment, I don't even have a life, Raymond has a life." But you can't blame him when you see who the mother is, she has this kind of sick hold on the both of them. And the father is about a disgusting a creature God have ever dropped on this planet. So no wonder the kid writes stories, I should be writing stories, my life is a gothic novel and until you have lived in that house with all of them in there with you day after day, week after week, year after freakin' year...you're in no position to judge me.

Marie, when I speak, what is it you hear? Is it, like, backwards talk, or dolphin squeaks?

Well I don't know why I came over here, Marie, because the past month of you not talking to me, has been the best month of my life!

I could walk through here naked, and you wouldn't even notice.

Nobody, beats up my husband.

[on tape recorder] I told you eight million times that when you empty the dryer you clean the lint screen, look at all this lint, what do ya like lint Ray! How about I get you some for your birthday! Happy birthday Ray, here's your lint!

If my parents lit an orphanage on fire, on Christmas Eve, they wouldn't be as bad as your parents!

Marie Barone

Debra, don't let a suitcase full of cheese become your big fork and spoon.

Your father, his idea of culture is an undershirt with sleeves.

We've never shown any favoritism!

Most of my friends criticize their daughters-in-law. Me? No. I hold my tongue.

Your father hates it when I cry. It reminds him of our Wedding Night.

[as she realizes her sculpture looks like a vagina] Oh, my God. I'm a lesbian.

[Written on a note to Debra] Caution: Oven gets hot.

The sooner we send it off we can wipe that smug grin off her dry, itchy face.

[in a deep voice, mocking Frank] Marie, food! Marie, drink! Marie, Maalox!

[trying to apologize to Debra] I should have known that by three o' clock that you have lost complete control of your children, and I brought company which was embarassing as you didn't tidy up. For all of that I'm sorry.

Robert Barone

Is this about me?

What do you know about it? Mom and Dad didn't return your gift. You don't know what it's like.

You know that shampoo that says "no more tears" on the bottle? There's tears.

Oh, I'm sorry. You haven't read my book, "You're In The Way: The Robert Barone Story"?

How about I hit you with your own wife?

Never be afraid to pull the trigger, on your smile.

His soul was removed to make room for more stomach.

I'm a NYPD police officer and I live with my parents. I'm on a constant diet of human suffering.

Everybody thought I was the weird one.

You'll have to find someone else to be your dragon's ass.

[To Ray, as he comes into the jail to discover Debra in it] Oh my God! She finally killed Ma.

[After seeing Frank holding the remote, which Ray planted in Roberts room] Wait! It was Raymond! I knew he didn't want to sleep with me!

Dialogue

Frank Barone: Nice. I tried it once. Didn't care for it.

Marie Barone: Did the same happen with smart?

Ray Barone: Do you remember me having any dreams when I was a kid?

Frank Barone: I remember you wetting the bed.

Ray Barone: No, I mean, do you remember what I wanted to be?

Frank Barone: Dry?

Marie: (to Robert) He's in a cult!

Robert: It's not a cult, Ma.

Frank: Then why the hell did you hug me?

Robert: It made me happy!

Marie: Oh my God, he's in a cult!

Robert: It's nada cult! It's just a bunch of people who want to see me happy, who happen to care about me!

Maire: You have that here, you stupid ass!

Robert Barone: Hey, ma. I told Nemo you were hurt so he threw in these breadsticks for free.

Marie Barone: These look old.

Frank Barone: You are what you eat.

Marie Barone: Robbie, give your father his order of miserable bastard.

[Raymond and Debra are planning their wedding in a flashback]

Ray Barone: You're already planning the wedding?

Debra Barone: I've been planning it since I was 12.

Ray Barone: But you didn't meet me until you were 22.

Debra Barone: Well, you're the last piece of the puzzle.

Robert Barone: How about when you used to go to school and mom would follow you there.

Ray Barone: What? That was mom? Oh my god! The crazy tree lady! I used to have nightmares about her.

Marie Barone: Don't you tell me to be quiet! I have a mind of my own you know! I can contribute! I'm not just some... trophy wife!

Frank Barone: You're a trophy wife? What contest in hell did I win?

Debra Barone: I never thought I'd miss our little apartment.

Ray Barone: C'mon, that apartment was tiny and cramped and noisy.

Debra Barone: Yeah, your parents would only visit once every other month.

Ray Barone: I loved that place.

Debra Barone: Yeah, I know.

Marie Barone: You ordered this Frank.

Frank Barone: Why do you assume it's me?

Marie Barone: Because you're the one who wants to kill me.

Frank Barone: Ok. But I still didn't order this.

Marie Barone: One day you'll turn around, and I'll be gone!

Ray Barone: [Spins completely around] Not today!

[Marie, Frank and Robert have just walked in on Ray and Debra about to have sex on the couch.]

Debra Barone: What are you doing here?

Marie Barone: What are you doing here?

Debra Barone: We live here!

Debra Barone: It's not about winning and losing.

Ray Barone: You know who says that? The loser.

Debra Barone: Lot's of people say that.

Ray Barone: Oh, c'mon, it's like the title to the Loser Handbook.

Marie Barone: I don't lose things, Frank. I'm organized.

Frank Barone: Not organized, insane! She's got a shoebox labeled pieces of string too small to use.

Robert Barone: That is so whack!

Ray Barone: Okay see right there... we're Italian. Whack means something else to us.

Marie Barone: Who keeps pornography for 29 years?

Frank Barone: Anyone married to you.

Robert Barone: I could of been a pretty good hockey player. I was big, I had the toughness, good hand-eye coordination.

Ray Barone: Yeah, but eventually you would've had to let go of the side.

Ray Barone: She had that look like Mom did when we were kids and she caught us eating that whole box of Sucrets, remember?

Robert Barone: Yeah, my tongue was numb for a month.

Ray Barone: Remember, Mom thought we were drug addicts. She said, "That's how it starts."

Ray Barone: All right Ally, you have to do what Mommy says.

Ally Barone: Why?

Ray Barone: 'Cause I do.

Marie Barone: What is a DVD player? Is it for pornography?

Debra Barone: Yes, Marie, I bought Ray a porn machine!

Marie Barone: I don't like that, Debra.

Debra Barone: A clean house is not the most important thing in the world.

Marie Barone: You know who says that? A messy person.

Ray Barone: You don't exist?

Debra Barone: It's like It's A Wonderful Life. No Debra.

Ray Barone: [fake voice] Well, then, it's not a wonderful life, is it? [hugs her]

Ray Barone: What makes you think we're not busy, Robert?

Robert Barone: I saw you through your window.

Robert Barone: When I was married to Joanne she wanted time alone. She used it to pack up and move out.

Marie Barone: Raymond, whatever happens, you and I are keeping the children.

Ray Barone: You know, we make a pretty good team together, your availability and my attractiveness.

Robert Barone: Yeah, it's like Robert-Raymond.

Ray Barone: No, it's Raybert.

Debra Barone: Honey, show daddy what you drew.

Ray Barone: That's okay, I can figure it out.

[Ally hands Ray a drawing]

Ray Barone: Um, lets see. A big wall of red?

Ally Barone: No.

Debra Barone: Ally told me that was a picture of you in hell.

Debra Barone: What's a matter, Robert?

Robert Barone: I made this traffic stop that's kind of bothering me... Amy was in the car.

Ray Barone: Oh, Amy the virgin?

Debra Barone: Oh, Ray!

Ray Barone: What, that's what she is, right?

Robert Barone: I'm not so sure anymore. She was in the car with a guy. They were all dressed up. This was a date.

Debra Barone: Well, Robert, you two did break up.

Ray Barone: Yeah, and you've been going on a few dates yourself, Mr. Lucky Pants.

Robert Barone: Alright, Deb, tell me everything you know about this guy.

Debra Barone: I know she's been seeing some people, but I don't know who--

Robert Barone: James P. Kitsos of Queens, 5'10", 165lbs., hair brown, eyes green, not an organ donor. Selfish bastard!

Ray Barone: This coming from the guy who once threw his shoe at a swan.

Frank Barone: It's called protecting your sandwich!

Marie Barone: You've read the Bible, Frank?

Frank Barone: I've read plenty of damn bibles!

Robert Barone: Three women, I don't know what I'm going to do.

Ray Barone: You do a dance, you gigantic, lucky bastard.

Debra Barone: I'm crying because I'm married to an insensitive dirfwad who instead of trying to make life better for his wife tape-records her to prove she's a terrible person.

Ray Barone: What's a dirfwad?

Debra Barone: Raymond, Layman, Gayman, go away man!

Ray Barone: BULLY! BULLY!

Debra Barone: Oh, relax.

Ray Barone: Debra, Debra, Lovely Wife, why am I stuck with you for life!

Marie Barone: Well I think it's sad when people start having surgery to make themselves bigger.

Frank Barone: Marie did it the natural way. Pound cake!

Frank Barone: Don't say nothing about my lodge buddies.

Ray Barone: Who, the guys you swim naked with?

Frank Barone: That's lodge policy!

Ray Barone: That's the restaurant where the crazy old Chinese lady yells at you while you're leaving, right?

Debra Barone: You know what she's yelling, right?

Ray Barone: Yeah, "habanadah!"

Debra Barone: She's saying, "Have a nice day."

Ray Barone: Oh. [pause] Well, maybe she isn't crazy.

Debra Barone: Ok, you know what? I'm tired of this. I'd rather be normal than this.

Debra Barone: [imitates Marie] Ooh, dear how are you. Frosting in a can, so much easier than homemade. Look in that refrigerator. Whoa, smells like there wasn't anything good in here for a while.

Debra Barone: [imitates Frank] Time for desert. Holy crap. I'm not listening anymore, doo dah, doo dah...

Debra Barone: [imitates Robert]Oh, everything's turning out perfect for Raymond.

[increasingly frustrated]

Debra Barone: Oh, lucky Raymond. Everybody loves Raymond. EVERYBODY loves Raymond. EVERYBODY LOVES Raymond. EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND!

[everybody laughs]

Robert Barone: Do me. Do me, now.

[Ray buys Debra a sex game]

Marie Barone: Another sex game? Didn't you have enough with that other sex game you and Robert used to play all the time when you were kids?

Ray Barone: What?

Marie Barone: You know, the one with all the colored squares...

Ray Barone: TWISTER?

Marie Barone: Frank do you love me?

Frank Barone: YOU STILL NEED REASSURANCE, AFTER 45 YEARS OF BONDAGE?

[Robert has escaped from a woman, by climbing out of her window]

Marie Barone: Why did you do that?

Robert Barone: She eats insects!

Marie Barone: But, why did you climb out her window?

Frank Barone: Hey, that's a very convenient way to get away from a dangerous woman. I mean, if your mother's apartment had been a couple of floors lower, we wouldn't be having this conversation.

Ray Barone: [about Debra's dad's new girlfriend]

Ray Barone: Well, usually guys his age go for younger women. Instead of going for somebody younger he went for somebody different.

Debra Barone: Ray!

Ray Barone: I meant... No! I mean, I always say the opposite phrases of what I say. Like, just this morning I told Debra "I'm soup, can I get some hungry?" [laughs nervously]

[Debra's mom leaves, Debra looks at Ray menacingly and goes after her mother]

Ray Barone: Oh, man...

Frank Barone: Kill is going to Debra you.

Frank Barone: You know, Robert gets the jealousy thing from me.

Ray Barone: Oh, yeah?

Frank Barone: Yeah, one time I drove my fist through a Cadillac, on account of your mother.

Ray Barone: Really?

Frank Barone: Yeah. She started talking about marriage, and I told her to go to hell. I remember hearing through the grapevine, that your mother was going to have dinner at Chuck Pacarello's. Now, your mother's cooking, that's something... special. And, I figured, she was only gonna cook like that for me. So, I went to Chuck Pacarello's and punched the headlights off of his car. I spent the night in the hospital, picking glass out of my arm.

Ray Barone: Wow, dad, I never thought there was a story like that behind you and mom. It's almost romantic.

Frank Barone: Yeah, I know. I don't tell that story a lot, though.

Ray Barone: How come?

Frank Barone: Because it doesn't have a happy ending.

Debra Barone: We got to find a way to get away from your parents.

Ray Barone: I got the perfect solution- the witness protection program.

Debra Barone: Ray, I'm serious.

Ray Barone: So am I. Let see them try to find Steve and Phyllis Rosenberg in Tucson, Arizona.

Debra Barone: We have to invite your parents. It's like when the Russians boycotted the Olympics. It diminished the whole event.

Ray Barone: Yeah, but you're forgetting one thing. When the Russians boycotted, we won everything.

Debra Barone: Dr. Nora thought I was boring.

Ray Barone: You're not boring, you're normal. Living in my house, I prayed for normal. Then, I had to fall asleep to the sound of my brother naming his toes. There was 'Fat Tony', 'Danny the Weasel' and 'Billy Stretch and Tastes Bad'.

[Ray is taking parenting classes]

Ray Barone: Hey, Ma, did you change the twins' pajamas?

Marie Barone: Yeah, I left them here. I wanted to get some of the old stains out.

Ray Barone: We have a washing machine, Ma.

Marie Barone: Some of those stubborn stains need special treatment.

Frank Barone: Why don't you take a class for THAT? I got grand-parenting class at 3. Today's lessons are "Blow my nose" and "Pull my finger". [laughs]

Ray Barone: Yeah, while you're there, don't miss the seminar about moving to Florida.

Ray Barone: Shouldn't you be yelling at me, or something?

Debra Barone: Ray, when you're on the Titanic and you're manning the life boats, you don't stop to yell at the iceberg.

[Somebody spelled "Ray stinks" with letter magnets on Ray's fridge]

Ray Barone: I knew it! It's that damn Spencer kid!

Robert Barone: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's not jump to conclusions. It could've been somebody else.

Ray Barone: Well, did you write it?

Robert Barone: No. But, it could've been the twins.

Ray Barone: No, if it was them, they would've wrote "Daddy Stinks". Was it you, dad?

Frank Barone: If it was me, I wouldn't have written "Ray STINKS".

[Frank is eating lasagna from the platter]

Marie Barone: Frank! What are you doing? You can't eat it from there! Your fork was in there! Now nobody can eat it!

Frank Barone: That's all I have to do? In that case, the fork's been in the ice cream, too!

Ray Barone: [comes in] Hey.

Marie Barone: Hi, Raymond. Are you hungry? Do you want something to eat? Only you can't have lasagna... Or ice cream.

Frank Barone: [sticks his fork in cake] Or chocolate cake.

Marie Barone: Look at him! He's like an animal, marking his territory!

[Frank sticks Marie with the fork]

Marie Barone: Hey!

Frank Barone: What? That's a compliment.

Ray Barone: God, how I wish I could say this is the wrong house...

Marie Barone: Fine! You got it out of me. Your father and I... succumbed to temptation before we got married. I fell for your father's boyish good looks. But, it didn't matter. We were in love. Right, Frank?

Frank Barone: I wanted sex.

Ray Barone: What's going on?

Frank Barone: Supercop, here, wants to give me a ticket.

Robert Barone: I don't want to. I have to.

Frank Barone: He's got a quota to fill.

Robert Barone: You hit my squad car!

Frank Barone: I don't care if I killed a guy! You're my son, you have to look the other way! Am I right, Ray?

Ray Barone: Dad, whatever you do, I want to look the other way.

Robert Barone: "I'm writing the ticket!"

Frank Barone: "Fine! That's Barone, B-A-R-O-N-E, as in the man from whose loins you sprung!"

Frank Barone: What kind of an idiot would spend 80$ for a canoe ride?

Marie Barone: Some people think a canoe ride can be romantic.

Frank Barone: I take it, you never saw "Deliverance".

Ray Barone: Ok, Robert, you want to know the advantages of marriage? Fine... There's... Uh... OK! Here! Got it! You know when you fall asleep and you stop breathing? When you're married, there's always somebody there to nudge you back to life... That's not a good example. Ok...

Robert Barone: Ray...

Ray Barone: No! I got this! Look, you want to know what marriage is really like? Fine. You wake up- she's there. You come back from work- she's there. You fall asleep- she's there. You eat dinner- she's there. You know? I mean, I know that sounds like a bad thing. But, it's not.

[touches Debra's shoulder]

Ray Barone: Not- Not if it's the right person.

[pause]

Frank Barone: I'd like a minute for rebuttal.

[Robert started hanging out with black people]

Frank Barone: I don't even understand one word you're saying anymore. Yesterday, why the hell did you call me "dog"?

Robert Barone: It's a good thing. It means I like you.

Frank Barone: I see. In that case, from this day on I'm calling you "jackass". That's also a sign of affection.

[Ray comes in]

Frank Barone: Hey, ugly.

Ray Barone: What the hell was that for?

Frank Barone: It's "Robert Talk". It means you're good-looking.

Frank Barone: [to Marie] Hey, good-looking.

Frank Barone: What if I wanted to have more kids?

Ray Barone: If God hasn't stopped you, the government will.

[Ray and Marie are talking about the sculpture that Marie did that looks like a vagina]

Ray Barone: It doesn't look bad.

Marie Barone: It was an accident!

Ray Barone: Well, so was penicillin. And Robert!

Marie Barone: I bought tickets for the whole family to go to Italy!

Debra Barone: Me too?

Marie Barone: Of course, dear. You're family.

[Debra jumps with joy]

Robert Barone: Me too?

Debra Barone: I HATE THIS!

Ray Barone: I know. It's my brother, right?

Debra Barone: No, it's not your brother.

Ray Barone: Of course. It's my father... a pain in the ass!

Debra Barone: No, not your father either.

Ray Barone: Now I know. It's my mom. Come on, let's kill her.

Debra Barone: Stop it, Ray.

Ray Barone: Come on, you say that we don't do stuff together so... let's kill her and then go to the movies!

Ray Barone: It turns out that Ally didn't want the sex talk! She asked me why God put us on earth!

Debra Barone: So, what did you tell her?

Ray Barone: I told her heaven was too crowded.

Debra Barone: You what?

Ray Barone: And then, I faked a cold and got the hell out of there.

Debra Barone: I don't believe this! You wanted to act like a mature adult! Why didn't you stay and talk to her about it?

Ray Barone: Because I studied for the sex talk!

Ray Barone: Hey Nemo, what do you do if somebody's choking?

Nemo: Change the special.

Ray Barone: Thanks.

Marie Barone: We haven't had a conversation for 35 years.

Frank Barone: I didn't want to interrupt!

[Ray has hurt his back and is in bed with Debra]

Ray Barone: I guess I am going to be out of commission for a while.

Debra Barone: I wouldn't worry - it's not like Van Gogh has lost his paint brush.

Ray Barone: [after Raymond sees Debra crying all alone] Do you cry because I'm stupid?

Debra Barone: No, I eat ice cream because you are stupid.

Frank Barone: What's for brunch, Marie?

Marie Barone: Ham.

Frank Barone: Excellent. I shall put on my ham pants.

[Ray walks into Nemo's Restaurant.]

Ray: Health department.

[Nemo jumps up and quickly turns around. He realizes it was Raymond.]

Nemo: That' ain't funny, Raymond!

Ray Barone: You said you didn't know me?

Debra Barone: You were stuffing your pants with food!

Ray Barone: So? I'm your husband, you're supposed to love me no matter what's in my pants!

Robert Barone: [after making a trip to Pennsylvania] I've come to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage.

Pat McDougal: [Pat and her husband Hank both smile sweetly and answer] No.

Reverend Stevens: If anyone has any objections, speak now or forever hold your peace.

Marie Barone: I have something to say.

[All stare at Marie in horror]

Robert Barone: I'm a freak!

Ray Barone: You're superfreaky!

[Robert is using a power-painter. Ray walks up behind him]

Ray Barone: [Looks at the back of Robert's neck] Wasp.

Robert Barone: Agggggghhh!

[Robert reaches for his neck. Marie walks right out and gets a full blast of paint in the face. Frank walks by.]

Frank Barone: [without stopping] That's gonna need another coat.

Frank Barone: Come on, he's your brother.

Ray Barone: He's your son!

Frank Barone: You're just gonna throw that in my face?

Robert Barone: All I wanted was a place where people would care about me.

Marie Barone: You have that here, you stupid ass!

[Debra and Ray accidentally left the twins alone by themselves and came home to find them eating pancakes]

Frank Barone: [comes in] I smell pancakes!

Marie Barone: [examining the boys] Oh, my God! Are you OK?

Debra Barone: [also examining the boys] I'll never leave you boys again. It's OK, it's OK!

Frank Barone: Gimme some pancakes!

Ally Barone: [comes in from the kitchen] You want some pancakes, Grandpa?

Frank Barone: What the hell do you think I've been saying?

[Ray is watching TV with his friends Andy, Gianni and Doug (from The King Of Queens.]]

Doug Heffernan: Can I ask you guys something?

[The guys all look at Doug, as if to say "yeah".]

Doug Heffernan: When was the last time you cried?

Gianni: What do you mean? About sports?

Doug Heffernan: No, something real. I mean "really cried".

Gianni: So, nothing with sports?

Doug: No. Like last week I was watching "Honey, I Shrunk The Kids". The guy was looking for his shrunken kids and I cried because I didn't think my father would come looking for me.

Gianni: Well, it wouldn't be hard to find you.

Andy: Yeah, you just look under the cookie that's moving across the floor.

Ray Barone: No, guys. I know what he's talking about with the crying thing. The other day I dropped the twins off at pre-school and I was watching them go in, you know. And just as the door was closing, I saw Michael take Geoffrey's hand and... I don't know.

Gianni: I'm going home before you guys start making out.

Andy: Yeah, I gotta go, too. Hey, Gianni, I'll tell you my Cry Story in the car.

Gianni: Great, that'll be my throw-up story.

Ray Barone: C'mon, it's still early. Stay. What's a matter, you afraid of the dark? Are you wimps?

Gianni: Ray, you're the one who just told us you cry because you think your twins are gay.

[Robert is sitting on his couch with his date.]

Robert's Date: Whoa, it's getting late. I better get going.

Robert Barone: No-no, it's not late.

[There's a knock at Robert's door.]

Robert Barone: Who the hell could that be this late at night?

Robert Barone: I take my showers at 6:35AM. You will please refrain from any and all flushing. Despite what dad thinks; it's not funny

[Robert leaves. Ray starts toying with his watch.]

Debra Barone: What you doing?

Ray Barone: Setting my alarm for 6:35.

Ray Barone: And Ally's favorite video: The Little Mermaid.

Ally Barone: No, Beauty and the Beast!

Ray Barone: Right. It's the same thing.

Debra Barone: A beautiful, famous skater has just told you how much she loves your work. How can it be better than that?

Ray Barone: I could be single.

Debra Barone: Ray, the last thing I need is something else that eats and poops.

Ray Barone: Okay, I'll stop doing one of the two.

Dr. Nora: Hello, I'm Dr. Nora.

Marie Barone: Oh, that voice! Are you Dr. Nora?

Marie Barone: [to Dr. Nora] I can't tell you what a huge fan I am of yours! You taught me to express myself!

Frank Barone: Thanks a bunch, lady.

Frank Barone: What in hell's bathroom was that?

Ray Barone: I think it was a fight ... a girlie fight ...

Frank Barone: I'm glad we didn't order that on Pay-Per-View

Marie Barone: We had our cholesterol checked, and were very close to the danger zone.

Frank Barone: Mine was lower than hers.

Marie Barone: One point.

Frank Barone: I'm still gonna live longer than you.

Marie Barone: What, thirty seconds?

Frank Barone: Thirty seconds in paradise!

Frank Barone: Don't listen to her. It's not eggs. It's that fake egg crap.

Marie Barone: It tastes exactly the same.

Frank Barone: Yes. Exactly like crap.

Robert Barone: Oh God, I was just thinking about my childhood, and dad, playing us in ping pong.

Ray Barone: Oh yeah, with the taunting...

Robert Barone: Yeah, and the rhyming of the scores.

Ray Barone: Ten serving three, you can't compete with me.

Robert Barone: Fourteen serving one, you're really not my son.

Frank Barone: Marie, get a mop, cause after I play Ray, the floor is going to be soaked with tears.

Ray Barone: Yeah, but they're gonna be your tears, cause it's gonna be your funeral.

Frank: If it's my funeral, how could I be crying?

Marie Barone: Frank, put on the heat. It's freezing!

Frank Barone: It's too expensive.

Marie Barone: What's with you? We all have to get phemonia so you can save three cents?!

Frank Barone: You know Marie, most of the body's heat escapes through the head, so you might wanna seal up any lodged openings!

Marie Barone: Would you stop? The boys did nothing wrong. You wanted them to make you a tribute, they made you a tribute.

Frank Barone: I can't wait for my eulogy.

Robert Barone: Mom, I'm scared to be alone.

Marie Barone: You mean for the rest of your life?

Robert Barone: No, but thanks for bringing up that possibility.

Debra Barone: I agree with Marie, I think a boob job is a totally stupid procedure.

Robert Barone: But fantastic when done properly.

Debra Barone: Why would you want to hear me complain about Ray?

Robert Barone: Perhaps we haven't met. I'm Robert Barone.

Ray Barone: Honey, you shouldn't let people tell you things are valuable, like pieces of paper with pictures on them.

Ally Barone: You mean like money?

Robert Barone: Hey, is this about me?

Frank Barone: Don't come to my funeral!

Robert Barone: Oh, but there's so little I'm looking foward to.

Robert Barone: What about space? Is it really endless? I mean, if you take a spaceship and fly out, do you just keep flying and flying?

Frank Barone: Why don't you give it a shot?

Marie Barone: I would never deny my children water!

Frank Barone: Well, Robert, I guess that explains your bedwetting problem.

Frank Barone: Come with me.

Ray Barone: Come on! Why are you so scared? You were in a war!

Frank Barone: That was different! They gave me a rifle!

Ray Barone': I'm just glad they took it back.

Ray Barone: One time, when we snuck out to a concert, Robert stole a bottle of peppermints snoptz from your liquor cabinent.

Robert Barone: He's lying!

Frank Barone: I know he is, because I had that cabinent padlocked.

Ray Barone: Yes, that's why he had to inch it away from the wall and pop out the back panel.

Marie Barone: You drank?

Frank Barone: You popped out the back panel?!

Ray Barone: And after the concert, Robert was so "snockered", that he'd fight anyone who didn't agree that "Bungle in the Jungle" was the best song ever written!

Robert Barone: It's a great song, but this is lies!

Robert Barone: Okay, got you a new plunger.

Debra Barone: Oh, thanks Robert. Michael flushed an action figure.

Robert Barone: What are you feeding that kid?!

Ray Barone: A mid-life crisis? I don't want one of those.

Doug Heffernan: I do. I can't wait for mine. I'm going to get a Harley and a girl who's impressed by Harleys.

Ray Barone: Debra won't let me have either of those.

Robert Barone: I see a lot of bad things.

Ray Barone: What, with being a cop and all?

Robert Barone: Mom and Dad.

Andy: You wanna go to the track?

Ray Barone: No.

Andy: Come on, that horse is running. I know the trainer.

Doug Heffernan: Yeah... that doesn't mean he's going to win.

Andy: Yeah, but we can feed him after!

[Ray's just told his friends he's going to propose to Debra.]

Doug Heffernan: What's she going to say?

Ray Barone: She's going to say "Why are Doug and Andy here?".

Ray Barone: My god, I am a jackass.

Robert Barone: I think you're supposed to put the accent on the "jack".

Doctor: Hey, Ray, have a seat.

Ray Barone: Oh, boy, what's that supposed to mean?

Doctor: It means you're welcome to sit.

[Ray is interviewing Barry Bonds.]

Barry Bonds: Excuse me, do you have change for the phone?

Ray Barone: Yeah, sure. What do you need me to break a million?

Barry Bonds: C'mon, what is it with you reporters always getting on me about my salary?

Ray Barone: It's funny, calling $7 million a salary.

Barry Bonds: What do you make?

Ray Barone: That's kind of personal.

Barry Bonds: Exactly.

Ray Barone: But what you make is news, because it's so gigantic.

Barry Bonds: What do you make, really? About, say $50,000 a year?

Ray Barone: Yeah, about that.

Barry Bonds: Okay, that's two columns a week, about eight columns a month. About $500 for every column.

Ray Barone: It is?

Barry Bonds: Yeah, it's $1 a word. For every little word like "the" and "a", if you hit the letter "a", it's $1.

Ray Barone: Heh, I guess I'm doing all right then.

Barry Bonds: You see?

Ray Barone: Yeah.

Barry Bonds: So, can I borrow a quarter for the phone?

Ray Barone: Here, take two.

[Ray and Debra are in bed trying to sleep. Ray starts moving about.]

Debra Barone: What? What's the problem?

Ray Barone: Gotta go to the bathroom.

Debra Barone: So go.

Ray Barone: No. Too tired. I gotta go all the way around and come all the way back. I hate this side of the bed. You're closer. You go to the bathroom for me.

Debra Barone: Not this again. Ray, you chose that side, you wanted that side, you made your bed so just shut up in it.

Ray Barone: I never should've took this side. I went with my childhood instinct. I took the side away from the door incase the boogieman comes in. If the boogieman gets you, I'm in my spaceship by then.

Debra Barone: What if he comes in through the window?

[Ray's eyes widen.]

[Ray interviews Kristi Yamaguchi in the Women's changing room.]

Kristi Yamaguchi: Come on in. Do you mind doing the interview in here?

[Ray takes a quick look around.]

Ray Barone: Not at all. It's just a little weird. I've never been in a women's locker room before. Once, in seventh grade. The guys pushed me in, but that was only for a second. It's been a big deal for female reporters going into male locker rooms. I know how they feel. Okay. So, let's just start. Kristi, Olympic gold medal, world championship, the cover of People magazine... what's next for you?

/i>Kristi throws her clothes down, in front of Ray. Ray looks up and smirks.]

Ray Barone: You have an outie? I would've taken you for an innie.

[Robert is talking to Father Hubley.]

Father Hubley: I can understand why it bothers you. But, it's quite normal to have thoughts of your parents dying.

Robert Barone: Did I mention the part about the sandwiches?

ay is trying to get Debra to have sex with him.]

Ray Barone: How about a little--

Debra Barone: Oh, god. I don't feel so well.

Ray Barone: You usually don't say that until after.

Debra Barone: No, I mean it Ray, stay away from me. Oh, god, I'm so hot.

Ray Barone: I'm getting all these mixed signals.

vagina]]]

Janitor: If you ask me it looks like a... [whispers in Frank's ear]

[Long pause]

Frank Barone: Holy crap!

[Amy talking to Robert about being caught having sex for the first time

Amy: Robert, six months ago I asked you about our future and you freaked out and we broke up. Now you want to get married because of what your mother thinks?

Marie: Sometimes a mother knows best dear.

Amy: Sometimes a mother should just but out.

Frank: Hey Robert you got to marry this one.

Marie: I will not be talked to that way.

Amy: Look sorry. I had a very rough couple of days here. I wait my whole life for the right time and the right man to be my first and now a building has a petition against me. And the second time I'm with my first his mother walks in on us. And you want to get married just to make her happy, what is this hold she has on you?

Raymond:(Talking to Debra) See, it's not just me.

Amy: I can't even cry because if I dab my eyes my pants will fall down. So excuse me Marie, for not being polite! (Leaves for the door and turns around and talks to Marie) And by the way...sometimes the noodles in your lasanga are overcooked.

Marie: (turns to Robert) Clearly, that is not the girl for you.

Frank Barone:...not a day goes by that I don't wish there was a comet screaming towards Earth to bring me sweet relief..

[After Marie accidentally burns Robert's lucky suit]

Marie: You don't need a lucky suit, you're a wonderful boy.

Frank: And you are a wonderful ironer.

[Marie and Frank get into a fight over who ate the two cannolis]

Frank: Pick it [the bible] up and tell us what happened to those cannolis!

Marie: Oh, shut up!

Frank: (points at her) Thou shalt not eat the cannoli!!

[Debra upset Ray taped football over wedding video]

Ray: Something must be wrong here.

Debra: Oh my god, you taped football over my wedding! What did you do Ray? What the hell did you do?

Ray: Alright, don't get excited.

Debra: What, it's football, its still football Ray!

Ray: Yeah, but it's the Bills/Giants superbowl.

Debra:[snatches remote from Ray] I don't care you give me that. {Fast forwards tape] Oh my god, look at this! My god its the whole thing Ray.

Ray: The kids must have done it.

Debra: Oh yeah, the kids taped football Ray, the last thing they put in the VCR was lemon chicken!

Ray: I would never do that because I love your lemon chicken...

Debra: Shut up! I want my wedding this is football.

Ray: You want me to....

Debra: No, you give me my wedding back.

Ray: I don't know what happened. The taped must have not been marked correctly.

Debra: Oh the tape wasn't marked correctly, you don't think the tape was marked correctly. What is this Ray?! What is this big white label that says "Our Wedding" in gold trim?

Ray: Did it always say that.

Marie: Put some cream on that head, you're gonna be in pain later!

Frank: I've been in pain since the wedding!

Marie: Your father's been bringing home useless junk for forty years.

Frank: You were item #1.

(Frank and Marie imitating Ray and Debra)

Frank: Oh my pinkie! It hurts! The keys are too hard!

Marie: Oh stop Ray, I'm trying to heat up soup from a can. It's very tricky.

Frank: Who cares pay more attention to me! I'm a whiny needy baby! Oooohhhhh

Marie: You never help me out around here, idiot.

Frank: What did you call me "dawg" for?!

Robert: That's a nice thing dad, you say it to people, it means "I Like You."

Frank: Oh really? Well from now on I'm calling you "Jackass."

Marie: Frank!

Frank: That's a good thing, it means "He's Great."

Ray: Hey.

Frank: Hey ugly.

Ray: What.

Frank: It's Robert Talk, it means "you're good lookin'"(turns to Marie) Hey good lookin.'

Marie: (to Robert) You know that you're killing me, Robby. Do you even care that you're killing me?

Robert: Ma ...

Marie: Dig a grave and throw me in.

Frank: I've got a shovel.

Debra: You're obviously married to an old hag.

Ray: But I love her.

Debra: Where's my tape recorder Ray. Where's my tape recorder when I was in labor with the twins for thirty-six hours and you was asking the nurse does the tv get ESPN.

Ray: Thirty-six hours is not a very short time.

Debra: Yeah, its even longer when you're trying to push two human beings out of your body and the husband goes does this hospital have fudgescicles. Or you ask me when I get upset when I find your underwear in the kitchen, or who starting snoring at my grandmother's funeral, or when you taped a football game over our wedding video!

Ray: You're sure you need a tape recorder because you seem to remember everything.

Marie: Don't listen to him Raymond, you and I are not like him.

Frank: What are you talking about you hate plenty of people.

Marie: I do not hate people Frank.

Frank: Oh yeah, what about my mother? You hated her like poison.

Marie: First of all I did not hate her. I felt sorry for her.

Frank: What about Harriet Lichtman?

Marie: I find Harriet Lichtman's flirtatious behavior towards you distasteful, but I do not hate that slut.

Natasha: Ray's here?

Debra: Oh, uh, yes, he's upstairs putting the kids to bed.

Natasha: Kids? What kids?

Debra: How do you...wait how do you know Ray?

Natasha: We met at a bar.

Marie: What do you mean, through Robert?

Natasha: No, no, no, I met Robert through Ray because Ray and I are kind of dating.

Frank: Holy crap!

Debra: Wait a minute, what?!

Natasha: Is there a problem.

Debra: Um, No there's no problem I'm surprised that my husband has time to date.

Natasha: What?! You're his wife. Ray said you were dead.

Frank: Holy crap!

Debra: Hi Marie, who was that?

Marie: That's for Robbie. So how was your night?

Debra: It was just a great lecture, I learned so much about the amazon. Linda's cousin wrote this book and he's a terrific speaker. How are the kids?

Marie: Oh they're fine. They don't know.

Debra: Know what?

Marie: About you and Raymond going your separate ways tonight.

Debra: Marie its no big deal, Ray didn't want to come to the bookstore so he just did what he wanted.

Marie: I guess what they call an open marriage.

Debra: Come on Marie, you go without Frank once in a while.

Marie: That's not an open marriage that's escape.

Debra: Last week Ray came home late from golfing and I guess golf is kind of a hot button issue with me and we had a fight.

Pamela: Ray do you remember this?

Ray: I do I shot a 94.

Pamela: Go ahead Debra.

Debra: I had all the kids, and I was expecting him home at two and he didn't show up until five o' clock and his explanation for why it took so long was that his friend Gianni wanted to pet a deer.

Frank: (about Marie) Last time I told her to do something for her own good, it completely bit me in the ass.

Debra: Yeah? What was that?

Frank: I said, "marry me."

Marie: We had our cholesterol checked, and were very close to the danger zone.

Frank: Mine was lower than hers.

Marie: One point.

Frank: I'm still gonna live longer than you.

Marie: What, thirty seconds?

Frank: Thirty seconds in paradise!

[About Marie's glasses]

Debra: What did Frank say?

Marie: Nothing. He wouldn't notice anything new on me unless it was made of sausage.

[About money]

Marie Barone: You're giving him back that money!

Frank Barone: Like hell, I am! I want to teach him a lesson. You up the stakes, you lose a lot. You play with matches and you get burned.

[sticks check in front of Raymond]

Frank Barone: AND, THANK YOU, COME AGAIN!

[Wedding invitations]

Robert: Hey Amy.

Amy: What did you do!?

Robert: What do you mean?

Amy: What did you do!? The invitations, my aunt Lynn got this in the mail, what did you do!?

Robert: Oh my god, this was in the mail.

Amy: What did you do Robert!?

Robert: Nothing, nothing, this wasn't suppose to go out.

Debra: Wait a minute, what's the problem......oh my god!

Amy: I know! I couldn't even finish reading it because some woman screaming, and then I realized it was me!

Robert: The wedding planner lady was to print it out for you and you was suppose to look it over.

Amy: She said you said send it out!

Robert: No, I said print it out.

Amy: Well she sent it out!

Robert: Oh my god!

Marie: Amy! Oh my god!

Amy: I know, oh my god!

Marie: What happened to it?

Amy: Robert, Robert happened to it.

Robert: It wasn't suppose to go out!

Amy: Look at this! Hank 'N' Pat, 'N' Pat, 'N' Pat,they're not hillbillies Robert! "Hank 'N' Pat MacDougall request the honor of your "presents--"

Debra: Robert, you spelled "presents" like gifts!

Robert: It wasn't suppose to go out!

Amy: You even put the wrong date! It's the ninth not the sixth! People are gonna show up three days early!

Debra: And Robert what is this? "Attire Optional?!

Amy: It's black tie optional! Attire optional means maybe naked! They're going to be nude people! At a church! On a Wednesday!

Robert: It wasn't suppose to go out.

Cast

Ray Romano - Raymond "Ray" Barone
Patricia Heaton - Debra Barone
Brad Garrett - Robert Barone
Doris Roberts - Marie Barone
Peter Boyle - Frank Barone
Madylin Sweeten - Ally Barone
Sawyer Sweeten - Geoffrey Barone
Sullivan Sweeten - Michael Barone
Monica Horan - Amy MacDougall Barone