Directed by Nick Gomez and written by Peter Steinfeld.

Rona Mace

• Good luck doesn't happen to people like us. Good luck happens to Madonna.

• I could wind up floating on the bottom of the Hudson.

• Some shame bout that Mona Dearly. I mean, so young.

Jeff Dearly

• I want half. And don't give me none of that "fifty-percent" shit.

• Look, I heard you the first time, Bobby. I ain't mute.

Others

• Mona Dearly: Don't call yourselves BJ Landscaping. You don't want people to go around calling you "Blow Job Landscaping."

• Phil Dearly: [singing] I'm a Wheel Watcher! I'm a Wheel Watcher!

• Lt. Feege Gruber: They found him this morning...dead in the water, so to speak.

Dialogue

Chief Wyatt Rash: My mother always used to say, "When life hands you potatoes, make potato salad."

Mona Dearly: Yeah? Well life handed me a whole pile of shit. What am I supposed to do with that?!

Phil Dearly: Make shit salad?

Deputy Tony Carlucci: [to Phil Dearly, after informing him of his wife's death] So, uh...you want to tell Jeff about his mom, or do you think we should do it, or...

Phil Dearly: Yeah! Uh...

Deputy Jimmy D: I mean, we'd be more than happy to do it, Phil, you know, it's just that, coming from you it may cushion the blow.

Deputy Tony Carlucci: Being that, you know, he's your son and all.

Phil Dearly: Well, in that case, it might be best if one of you did it.

Bobby Kalzone: Dude, she's like 13.

Jeff Dearly: Finally!

Ellen Rash: You're supposed to have that thing in your head that says, "BAD FUCKING IDEA, BOBBY!"

Bobby Kalzone: I do have it! It just didn't work!

Bobby Kalzone: It's been different since Jeff killed Peaches.

Chief Wyatt Rash: Jeff killed Peaches? I thought it was the other way around.

Bobby Kalzone: Peaches killed Jeff?

Chief Wyatt Rash: No, I heard you killed Peaches.

Chief Wyatt Rash: Tell me something Cubby, you notice anything odd lately?

Cubby: You mean other than the fact that no one seems to care about this woman's death?

Chief Wyatt Rash: Along those lines.

Cubby: Hell Wyatt, I've seen people more upset over losing change in a candy machine.

Mona Dearly: Why'de you pull us over Feege?

Lt. Feege Gruber: Oh let me think about that Mona, you're riding on rims and you pulled an 1107 on an officer of the law. [to Jeff] What the hell is the matter with you son?

Mona Dearly: What did you hurt him for?

Lt. Feege Gruber: He's drunk!

Mona Dearly: No he ain't! [to Jeff] It's OK baby. [to Feege] You're gonna pay for this Feege! You just lost your lawn service pal!

Bobby Kalzone: Mona Dearly's dead.

Ellen Rash: What?

Bobby Kalzone: She's dead- It was just a- car accident.

Ellen Rash: You gotta be kiddin' me. Well- We gotta celebrate!

Bobby Kalzone: Jesus, God, Ellie she's a human being. Have a little respect.

Ellen Rash: I don't gotta have respect for no one in that family. Think how they treated you.

Bobby Kalzone: How did they treat me?

Ellen Rash: Badly, they're a houseful of freaks.

Jeff Dearly: Where's my car?

Deputy Jimmy D.: Well Jeff, it's a little bit more serious than you're car.

[Pause]

Jeff Dearly: Would someone mind tellin me what the hell's goin on?

Deputy Tony Carlucci: Your mother drove her car into the lake Jeff, I'm afraid she's dead.

Jeff Dearly: What was she doing in my car?

Ellen Rash: Bobby! Sheesh I can't believe you killed somebody!

[she walks off]

Bobby Kalzone: Where ya goin?

Ellen Rash: Home!

Bobby Kalzone: [quietly] We need milk.

Taglines

• 1 murder. 460 prime suspects. Not so much of a 'who done it' as a 'who didn't'.

• The death of Mona Dearly wasn't so much a whodunnit, as a who didn't.

• Who wanted to see Mona Dearly dead? Take a number.

Cast

• Danny DeVito - Chief Wyatt Rash
• Bette Midler - Mona Dearly
• Neve Campbell - Ellen Rash
• Jamie Lee Curtis - Rona Mace
• Casey Affleck - Bobby Calzone
• William Fichtner - Phil Dearly
• Marcus Thomas - Jeff Dearly
• Peter Dobson - Lt. Feege Gruber
• Kathleen Wilhoite - Lucinda
• Tracey Walter - Clarence
• Will Ferrell - Cubby the Funeral Director
• Paul Ben-Victor - Deputy Tony Carlucci
• Paul Schulze - Deputy Jimmy D.