Directed by Mel Brooks and written by Mel Brooks, Rudy De Luca, and Steve Haberman.

• [a bat poops on the stairs] Children of the night... what a mess they make!
• [waking up from a bad dream] Oh, it's night-time. I was having... a daymare.
• [after rising from his coffin and hitting his head on a chandelier] I must move the coffin. [pause] Or the chandelier.
• [his last line] Renfield, you asshole!
• [in a dream, at a picnic] I'm drinking wine, and I'm eating chicken!

• [upon seeing two voluptuous vampire women - one rubbing a table seductively, the other rubbing the bedpost seductively] My God! What are you doing to the furniture?
• Yesss... MASSSTER!
• [as the vampire women are seducing Renfield] No, this is wrong. This is wrong! This is wrong, you hear me? Wrong! This is ... Wrong me! Wrong me! Wrong my brains out!
• I didn't see anything! I didn't see anything [guard locks door] I saw everything! [cackles]
• [upon hearing Dr. Seward's instruction to the guard: "Take him back to his cell and give him a you-know-what!"]No! No! Not ANOTHER enema!

• Dr. Seward: Would an enema help?
• Jonathan Harker: [watching Mina's reflection in a mirror as she's dancing with Dracula, where it looks like she's dancing alone] She's doing quite well without him, isn't she?
• Nurse: [Upon seeing the unconscious medical students on the floor] Well done, doctor! Ten out of ten!

Dialogue

Lover at Picnic: Would you care for some wine?

Dracula: I never drink... wine... oh, what the hell. Let me try it.

Dr. Seward: Allow me to introduce Professor Abraham Van Helsing. He's a doctor of rare diseases as well as a man of theology and philosophy.

Van Helsing: And gynecology.

Dr. Seward: Oh, I didn't know you have your hand in that, too.

[Count Dracula meets up with Van Helsing]

Dracula: Van Helsing... a name that is famous even in Translyvania.

Van Helsing: Dracula... are you by any chance descended from Vlad Tepeş, the first Dracula?

Dr. Seward: Tepeş?

Van Helsing: Yah, it means "the Impaler". He used to inflict unspeakable tortures on the peasants; cutting off their hands and feet, gouging out their eyes, and then impaling them on iron spikes.

[beat]

Dracula: They had it coming!

Jonathan Harker: [Entering Lucy's crypt and seeing her body] Oh, God... she's dead now.

Van Helsing: No, she's not!

Jonathan Harker: She's alive?

Van Helsing: She's Nosferatu!

Jonathan Harker: She's Italian?

Renfield: Yes, I'm schh-eduled to meet Count Dracula.

Villager #1: [horrified] Dracula!

Villager #2: [horrified] Dracula!

Villager #3: [horrified] Dracula!

Villager #4: ...Schh-eduled?

Dracula: Renfield, you were having a nightmare.

Renfield: A nightmare? But it was so real, so vivid. Two voluptuous women, heaving and grinding. How to describe it? [pause] Have you ever been to Paris?

[Renfield is having breakfast with Dr. Seward. He sees a bug on the table and eats it]

Dr. Seward: I was just telling Ma—what was that?

Renfield: Huh?

Dr. Seward: You just grabbed something from the table.

Renfield: I did not.

Dr. Seward: Yes you did, I saw you, you put it in your mouth. I think it was an insect.

Renfield: [thinks of an alibi] Oh, that was a raspberry.

Dr. Seward: Raspberry? We're not serving raspberries.

Renfield: Then it must have been a raisin. I guess it fell off the muffin. See? There's one missing.

[The two men laugh. Renfield sees a spider coming towards him, and he quickly eats it up]

Dr. Seward: How silly of me! It must have been my imagin—there, you did it again!

Renfield: Huh?

Dr. Seward: You just put a bug in your mouth. I think it was a spider!

Renfield: I did not.

Dr. Seward: Yes, you did.

Renfield: I did not.

Dr. Seward: Yes, you did.

Renfield: I did not.

Dr. Seward: [shouts] I tell you I saw you snatch a spider right out of the air and eat it!

Renfield: A spider?

[Swallows the spider in his mouth]

Renfield: How absurd!

[A grasshopper jumps onto the patio. He intentionally throws his fork]

Renfield: Oh! Dropped my fork! [gets on all fours and scrambles under the table for the insect]

Dr. Seward: Mr. Renfield, what are you doing down there? This is most unseemly!

Renfield: Fork found! [Comes back up] Sorry for the delay.

[The grasshopper's leg is sticking out of Renfield's mouth, and wriggling about]

Dr. Seward: My God, man! You're eating insects right from the ground!

Renfield: ...What makes you say that?

Dr. Seward: I can see one trying to get out of your mouth!

Renfield: Out of my mouth?

Dr. Seward: Yes, out of your mouth! Your very own mouth and it's wriggling about!

Renfield: Don't be ridiculous! Wriggling!

Dr. Seward: I'm not ridiculous at all! It's wriggling all over the place! The poor thing, it's fighting for its life!

[Renfield eyes the grasshopper's leg, which has fallen from his mouth and quickly scoops it up]

Renfield: I don't know what you're talking about. If you insist on ranting like this, I'm going to leave!

Dr. Seward: Me, ranting? You're the ranter!

[Renfield spots a fly]

Renfield: [to the fly] Hello, little darling!

[Grabs the air in attempt to catch the fly]

Renfield: Don't be afraid!

[Laughs in a strange tone]

Renfield: I won't hurt you! All I want is your life!

[Renfield does a body slam across Dr. Seward's lap, and knocks everything off the table. Renfield is soon grabbed by two asylum attendants.]

Dr. Seward: That's it! Put him in a straight jacket and give him an enema! Wait! Wait, wait... Give him the enema FIRST. THEN put him in a straight jacket.

Lucy Westenra: I know you've always wanted me, and I've always wanted you. Finally we can be together.

Jonathan Harker: But Lucy, I'm engaged to Mina... and you're dead.

Lucy Westenra: I'm not dead. I'm undead.

Jonathan Harker: Yes, well, I'm not unengaged.

...

Jonathan Harker: Please, Lucy! I'm British!

[Lucy opens her cleavage a little]

Lucy Westenra: So are these.

Jonathan Harker: [having just been told to drive a stake into Lucy] Oh, this is horrid. Is there no other way?

Van Helsing: Well, we could cut off her head, stuff her mouth with garlic, and tear off her ears.

Jonathan Harker: ...Give me the stake. No. No, I can't... you do it.

Van Helsing: It must be done by one who loved her in life.

Jonathan Harker: I only liked her!

Van Helsing: Close enough!

[Jonathan is about to stake Lucy's heart]

Van Helsing: One, two—WAIT! [Van Helsing slinks back behind a pillar] NOW!

[Jonathan drives a stake into Lucy's heart and is subsequently hit by many gallons of blood]

Jonathan Harker: Oh... my... GOD! There's so much blood!

Van Helsing: She just ate! Hit her again!

Jonathan Harker: Oh no... I can't...

Van Helsing: How much blood can she have left?

[Jonathan hits the stake again and is hit with even more blood than last time]

Van Helsing: She's almost dead!

Jonathan Harker: She's dead enough. Oh! This is - this is ghastly!

Van Helsing: Yes, you're right. We should have put newspapers down!

[after staking Lucy, Jonathan is drenched in blood, while Van Helsing is spotless]

Dr. Van Helsing: I have been to many, many stakings. You have to know where to stand.

[Dracula is hypnotizing a valet at the theatre where Doctor Seward is enjoying an opera]

Dracula: You will tell Doctor Seward there is a message for him in the lobby... and you will remember nothing of what I tell you.

[The valet nods her head, opens the curtain to Seward's chambers, and stands there with her mouth open for a few moments, then closes the curtain]

Valet: [noticing Dracula standing there] Hello, can I help you sir?

Dracula: [mimicking her] Can I help you sir? [normally] What is the matter with you, why did you not tell him?

Valet: About what?

Dracula: About the message!

Valet: For whom?

Dracula: Never mind! I will tell him myself. And for your miserable performance, you will receive no tip!

Valet: No tip?

Dracula: Ah! That, you remember!

[Dracula picks up Jonathan by the throat]

Dracula: Arrogant mortal! You are in my world now, and you will never leave this attic alive! I will destroy you, and then I will possess she whom you love the most. And there is not a single thing in the world you can do to stop me!

[Dracula laughs. Jonathan pokes him in the eyes and Dracula drops Jonathan]

Dracula: Ow!

Dr. Seward: Give him an enema.

[Attendant looks taken aback.]

Attendant: An enema, sir?.

Dr. Seward: Yes, it'll give him a feeling of accomplishment.

[Dracula is outside Mina's room]

Dracula: [to the maid] Essie... Essie... Your eyelids are growing heavy. You will sleep... sleep.

[Essie nods off to sleep]

Dracula: Mina... Mina, open your eyes!

[She does]

Dracula: Arise, Mina.

[She does]

Dracula: Walk to the door.

[Mina opens a door, and goes inside]

Dracula: Mina... you are in the closet. Open the door, and come out.

[She does]

Dracula: Now walk to the terrace door. Watch out for the foot...

[Mina trips over the footstool]

Dracula: ...Stool. Stand up.

[Essie and Mina both rise]

Dracula: Not you. Sit!

[Mina sits]

Dracula: No, not you, you sit.

[Essie sits]

Dracula: You stand.

[Both stand]

Dracula: No! Sit!

[Both sit]

Dracula: No, you stand!

[Both stand]

Dracula: You walk to the terrace door, and you go back to sleep! Watch out!

[Essie and Mina bump into one another and fall to the floor. Dracula throws his arms up in frustration]

[Dracula exits the house, carrying a body]

Dracula: You will be my bride for eternity... we will share the passions of immortal love.

Essie: [Lifts head] I can't wait!

Dracula: Not you!!

[Dracula walks back into the house and dumps Essie on the floor. A few minutes later he comes out carrying Mina]

Dracula: [hurriedly] You-will-be-my-bride-for-eternity, we-will-share-the-passions-of-immortal-love.

Martin: [throwing Renfield back into his cell] You'll stay here 'til you rot!

[locks door]

[Renfield starts sobbing and Martin comes in a second later]

Martin: Well, you're free to go!

Renfield: Free to go? Why? How?

Martin: Good behavior.

Renfield: But I've only been in here for a moment.

Martin: Well, for that moment, your behavior was very good.

Renfield: uh...

Martin: Let's go. [hurling Renfield out of his cell]

Cast

• Leslie Nielsen - Count Dracula
• Peter MacNicol - R.M. Renfield
• Steven Weber - Jonathan Harker
• Amy Yasbeck - Mina Murray
• Mel Brooks - Dr. Abraham Van Helsing
• Lysette Anthony - Lucy Westenra
• Harvey Korman - Dr. Jack Seward