Directed by Rawson Marshall Thurber. Written by Rawson Marshall Thurber.

Peter La Fleur

• It's time to put your mouth where our balls are.
• I found that if you have a goal, you might not reach it. But if you don't have one, then you are never disappointed.
• I'd love to, but I don't think they make a 'sorry your dodgeball coach just got crushed by two tons of irony' Hallmark card.
• You had me at blood and semen. Wait, what about eggs, you know... that kind [Peter points towards Kate in his office]
• Hey, White. I didn't think Nazi camp got out until eight. Did you decide to skip arts and crafts?
• Thank you, Chuck Norris.

White Goodman

• Ball me Blazer.
• Oh, now he's a philosophizer.
• Cram it up your cram hole!
• That's me, six years and six-hundred pounds ago.
• Here at Globo Gym we understand that ugliness and fatness are genetic disorders, like baldness or necrophilia, and it's your fault if you don't hate yourself enough to do something about it.
• Good luck losing with these losers in Las Vegas, La Fleur!
• Yeh, that's me taking the bull by the horns, it's how I like to run my business. It's a metaphor. But that actually happened though.
• Let's not find ourselves shackled by the bonds of employer-employee relations. Unless of course you're into that sort of thing, in which case I got some shackles in the back. Just kidding. But seriously, I've got 'em.
• [When asked how he knew where Kate lived] It's called the Freedom of Information Act for a reason. The hippies finally got something right. Just kidding. But not really.
• Nobody makes me bleed my own blood! Nobody!
• My gym has shareholders, yours haven't even got... cupholders!
• Go on and make your jokes Mr Jokey... Joke-maker!
• I earned this body, and I built this temple with nothing more than some elbow grease and a little can-do attitude... and yes, a large inheritance from my father, Earl Goodman.
• Here at Globo Gym, we're better than you. And we know it.
• I wouldn't sell my gym to you for all of King Midas' silver.
• Your Gym is a skid-mark on the underpants of society.
• Well, isn't that convenient for you... and the clock!
• I won that tournament! Fuckin' Chuck Norris!
• Of course you'll still be yourself in a legal sense, but think of it as a thinner, more attractive you than you could ever become without us. And with our competitively priced on-site cosmetic surgery, we can turn that Frankenstein you see in the mirror every morning, into a Franken Fine!
• I don't know if you've ever seen a hundred thousand dollars before, except perhaps in the movies. But let me show you something that gets lost in the translation. [opens briefcase revealing single stack of bills]
• Turn it up high Reggie, I wanna burn.
• I know you, you know you, and I know you know that I know you.
• We are the Globo Gym Purple Cobras, and we will, we will, rock you!
• You're going down, La Fleur! You're going down like a sweet muffin!
• Are you ready for the.. HURRICANE!
• We're sweating like grease monkeys out here, I can't hold onto a ball!
• You and your lovable band of losers have already lost!
• What? You like it it those freaks in loser town? [Kate says "They're not freaks, they're people, just like you and me"] Ha, ha, people just like you and me? That's what I love about you Kate, you've got a "personality"!
• I've got some great news, you're fired! Yeh, I told the bank you were stealing and drinking on the job, and they bought it! Can you believe it?!
• And they love you. Whoo, do they love you. You're their Fonzie, Pete. "Heeeeey." Right?
• Differences? You slept with three of my female trainers!
• Donde Esta La Biblioteca, Pedro?
• In 30 days I'll be bulldozing that shit heap you call a gym into permanent nothingness, And I can only hope that you, and the mongrel Race that comprise your membership are inside it when I do.
• Fucking Chuck Norris

Patches O'Houlihan

• I ain't crazy, and I ain't a guy! I'm Patches O'Houlihan, and I'm your new coach.
• [When questioned on learning how to dodge balls] That's what this sack of wrenches is for. If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball! [Throws wrench at Justin, hitting him square in the face] Any other questions?
• If you can dodge traffic, you can dodge a ball!
• Just remember the five D's of dodgeball: Dodge, Duck, Dip, Dive and... Dodge.
• Holy hell son, you're about as useful as a cock-flavored lollipop!
• Necessary? Is it necessary for me to drink my own urine? No! But I do it anyway, cause it's sterile and I like the taste.
• Oh my sweet dick, it's magic!
• Take care of your balls, and they'll take care of you.
• If you want dodgeball victory you gotta grab it by its haunches and hump it into submission, that's the only way!
• Remember, dodgeball is a sport of violence, exclusion and degradation. So, when you're picking players in gym class, remember to pick the bigger, stronger kids for your team. That way you can gang up on the weaker ones, like Winston here.
• And can someone catch a god-damn ball! It's like watching a bunch of retards trying to fuck a doorknob out there!
• [Deep breath in] I love the smell of queef in the morning!
• I've got some hookers in my room... wanna go celebrate? My treat!
• Suit yourself, queer! [when Peter declines the above offer]
• You couldn't hit water if you fell out of a boat!
• Come on! I've seen better runs in my shorts!
• They're too good and you suck something awful.
• You have to get angry,you have to be MEAN! (hits gordo in the balls) You angry now.

Pepper

• They must masturbate a lot, Cotton.
• I feel like I'm watching a Cher video, Cotton.
• Pepper needs new shorts!
• I sure do like pumpkins, Cotton.
• That'll buy you one heck of a pumpkin, Cotton!
• I don't know how they can play in diapers, Cotton. I never could.
• I feel shocked!
• Hold your phone, she's got a cannon!
• [Peter puts on blindfold] He won't be able to see very well through that Cotton.
• Ouchtown, population: you, bro!
• Effin-a, Cotton. Effin-a.
• Great shot by the submissive!

Dwight

• Oh, snap!
• We're gonna get our taints handed to us!
• They got guys named Laser, Blazer, Taser and all other kinds of 'asers'!
• That guy's a dickhead.
• We could sell blood and semen.
• He'll probably fall off the rollercoaster and break every bone in his body. [Off the others looks] I'm just sayin'.. Happened to my cousin Ray-Ray. Boop, dead.

Steve the Pirate

• Bollocks!
• Gar, this sucks!
• Steve's gotta go drain the sea monster.
• I'm gonna send you to hell!
• An' I'll be splitting my buried treasure with ya... when I find it, that be..

Dialogue

[Patches has everyone lined up to explain the strategies of dodgeball]

Patches: If you're gonna learn to be true dodgeballers, then you've gotta learn the five D's of dodgeball: dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge! If you master the five D's, no amount of balls on earth can hit you. [Justin raises his hand] Queerbait, go ahead.

Justin: Um, me? Or...I--Um...shouldn't we learn by...y'know, like dodging balls that are thrown at us, or...?

Patches: That's what this sack of wrenches is for. [empties the sack] If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.

Justin: What?

[Patches hurls a wrench in Justin's face, and he squeals in pain]

Patches: Any other questions?

Justin: [screams] Oh, my God! [still writhing in agony on the floor]

Cotton: It appears that Average Joe's is forfeiting the final match.

Pepper: That's a bold strategy, Cotton. Let's see if it pays off for 'em.

[after watching Gordon throw a ball that missed a slowly moving target]

Patches: You couldn't hit water if you fell out of a boat! Where's your killer instinct, son? You gotta get angry! You gotta get MEAN! That's the only way you can play!

Gordon: Well, I guess I'm not really an angry person.

[Patches punches Gordon in the crotch and watches as he collapses]

Patches: Are you angry now?

Cotton: It appears that Peter La Fleur has blindfolded himself.

Pepper: Yeah, he will not be able to see very well, Cotton.

Peter: You want to join the cheerleaders to prove to a girl that you are not a loser?

Justin: Yeah, why?

Peter: Nothing. It's just... I guess high school's changed a lot since I was a kid.

Peter: Alliteration aside, I think I'll take my chances.

White Goodman: Yeah, you will take your chances.

Peter: I know. I just said that.

White Goodman: I know you "just said that".

Peter: I'm not sure where you're going with this.

White Goodman: I'm not sure where you're" going with this.

Peter: That's what I said.

White Goodman: That's what I'm saying to you.

Peter: Okay.

White Goodman: Touché.

[Average Joe's is overwhelmed by their opponent, leaving only Gordon to fight them off in the remaining half of the match]

Patches: You ain't gonna be able to beat em. They're too good and you suck something awful.

Gordon: Yes, sir, I sure do.

Kate: Don't worry about him, Justin, he's a jerk.

Dwight: Yeah, he'll probably fall off the rollercoaster and break every bone in his body.

Kate: Nice, Dwight.

Dwight:I'm just saying, it happens. My cousin Ray-Ray, boop. Dead.

[Peter is the only player in his team left to fight off the girl scouts in the regional qualifying match. Tired of the brats, he hurls the ball, knocking a scout to the ground]

Peter: I'm so sorry, are you okay?

Girl Scout: Why would you hit a girl? Why?!

Peter: I'm so sorry, really.

[another girl scout whacks Peter out with a ball]

Girl Scout: In your face! In your face!

Peter: You're adopted. Your parents don't even love you.

Peter: I think the lady asked you to leave.

White Goodman: This doesn't concern you, La Fleur.

Peter: Not nearly as much as your hair does, that's for sure.

White Goodman: This is it, La Loser!

Peter: Just don't go crying to mommy when I spank you in front of all these people.

White Goodman: And don't go crying to your daddy, after I wipe it up with your face!

Kate: Joyce? How'd you make it?

Joyce: I wouldn't miss this for the world!

Kate: You are so sweet. (kisses Joyce passionately)

Dwight: I told you she was a lesbian.

Peter: Wow, good call.

Kate: Hey! I'm not a lesbian.

Peter: You're not?

Kate: No. I'm bisexual. (kisses Peter)

Dwight: Oh, snap!

Announcer: During the ADAA-approved random drug screening, one of your players tested positive for three separate types of anabolic steroids, and a low-grade beaver tranquilizer. Therefore, Troop 417 is disqualified.

Girl Scout: God damn you, Bernice! [throws her cap at a large, well-built girl scout with a moustache and hairy arms]

Bernice: [begins crying in a deep voice]

Peter: Thank you, Chuck Norris!

Chuck Norris: Thank you Peter.