Dirty Rotten Scoundrels Quotations

Dirty Rotten Scoundrels is a Broadway musical about two con artists on the French Riviera. Lawrence is an older gentleman, seasoned, experienced, an expert at taking women's money and leaving them poorer, but smiling. Enter Freddy, a young American who's looking to make a bigger score. He starts out asking to learn from Lawrence, but after an argument, they make a bet over who can pull a scam on a new, young, beautiful tourist named Christine. The laughs never quit in this gaudy, baudy, guilty pleasure full of fun and depravity, and that's just the way those dirty rotten scoundrels like it.

Book by Jeffrey Lane. Music and lyrics by David Yazbek.

Freddy Benson

Oh, your highness! (bows to Lawrence) I bring news... (pulls Muriel's hankerchief from out of his coat pocket) from a broad.

Christine Colgate

[after everyone has been waiting for the Soap Queen to appear] Oh! That's me.

Dialogue

Christine: Shouldn't the army pay for your surgery?

Freddy: Well, yeah, but see, my problem's not really physical... it's psychological...

Freddy: (after Lawrence says he'll have Freddy kicked out and arrested:) You don't wanna do that.

Lawrence: And why not?

Freddy: Because I've got a big mouth. (Lawrence is silent) And we both know I can cause you a lot of trouble with what I know.

Andre: We'll miss you.

Muriel: Really?

Andre: Only if you leave.

Songs

WHAT WAS A WOMAN

Muriel Eubanks: And when he smiled he lit the night with grace and confidence
his teeth were clean and straight and white just like a picket fence.
I couldn't look directly at them, they were that intense.

Muriel Eubanks: What was a woman to do?

Female Usher: He came in with a ticket for the second mezannine,
I tore it up and sat him right down there in J-13!

GREAT BIG STUFF

Freddy Benson: Gimme Great Big Stuff! This is how I gotta live,
Great Big Stuff! Oh-oh no alternative.

Freddy: A house in the bahamas, paisley silk pajamas, poker with Al Roker and our friend Lorenzo Lamas!

Freddy: The cash to keep me idle, the chicks to keep me vital, the pills to keep me happy even when I'm suicidal!

ALL ABOUT RUPRECHT

Lawrence Jameson: Every royal family, by its nature, has a sort of price that it must pay. Every noble lineage has one loose gene, small as a molecule, flitting 'round the family pool. It's the sort of thing one sees in Appalachia, or in the odd, inbred Bichon Frise. It really can be quite a stain on the escucheon when a wisp of DNA begins to fray, then goes astray. Calligula had the temper, the Hapsburgs had the chin, George the Third went cucoo-bird, and Nero had that violin. Richard, you'll remember, had the hump and the withered limb. The Bushes of Tex were nervous wrecks because their son was dim. But look what happened to him!

HERE I AM

Christine Colgate: I always had the will and the resources,
but Mom and Dad kept sayin' hold your horses.
I guess those ponies couldn't wait,
pardon me folks, but they've left the gate.
I may be late, but here I am!

Christine: Excuse-moi if I spout,
I'm letting my je ne sais quoi out!
I'm sorry to shout, but here... I.. am!

NOTHING IS TOO WONDERFUL TO BE TRUE

Christine Colgate: Look at the way the moon behaves
Look at the way she paints a silver ribbon on the waves
Leading directly to me and you...
Nothing is too wonderful to be true.

Christine: Can you see it?

Freddy: You know, I think I can!

Christine: Tell me.

Freddy: Uh... okay... Magic can happen anywhere
I knew this guy at camp who ate his t-shirt on a dare
My hotel gives away free shampoo...
Nothing is too wonderful to be true.

LIKE ZIS/LIKE ZAT:

Andre Thibault: Like zis, ze rose, delightful to ze nose. But nowhere near as perfect as a kiss...

LOVE IS MY LEGS

Freddy Benson: I was alone, and cold, and damp
I tried to fly but both my wings would cramp
Until you came along, and lit the lamp
To guide me to my exit ramp

Christine Colgate: Faith are your toes
Attached to your feet
So I'll be your feet completely
Always there to strive in your socks
Alive in your socks...

DIRTY ROTTEN NUMBER

Lawrence Jameson: It was a ball, it was a blast,
and it's a shame it couldn't last.
But every chapter has to end you must agree.
It was a joy, it was sublime, a splendid way to earn a dime
For a dirty, rotten guy like me.

Freddy Benson: It's almost a religion, the need to take a pigeon
And to play your part with elegance and zest.
But when it's time to fold the act, and your duffel bag is packed,
take comfort in the fact that you've been workin' with the best!

Orginal Broadway Cast

John Lithgow - Lawrence Jameson
Norbert Leo Butz - Freddy Benson
Sherie Rene Scott - Christine Colgate
Joanna Gleason - Muriel Eubanks
Gregory Jbara - Andre Thibault
Sara Gettelfinger - Jolene Oakes