Dice Rules

• When you jerk off, you’re saying “Hey, I care about me.”

• What am I looking at? I want to eat you like a tossed fucking salad!

• I like a bush. A nice big, hairy, stinky, smelly fucking bush. And I hate when they put cologne on it. They dummy it up with cologne like you don’t know where you are. I like that nice natural scent of salmon.

• How come there's no parking for midgets? You ever notice that? Not one spot in the fucking mall for midgets. Unbelievable. You want to know why? 'Cause there's no telethon for midgets. Nobody gives a fuck. The kind of humidity you get in Manhattan during the summer... by the time you even get to the front doors of the mall, they're passing out. You've got to piss on them to revive them. And I love midgets with those pumpkin heads, little bug legs. I never fucked one, I'll admit that. But I would do it. They're people. So they're a little light, all right. So, so you stick 'em on your dick, you can shave, shower, they don't get in the way. You throw 'em in a drawer when you're done. "Yeah, use my socks as a pillow honey." "Wait, a mouse went under the table, get the fucker." Could you imagine being a maitre d at a fancy restaurant and a couple midgets come in for dinner? What do you say? “Table for, ugh, I don't know, fuck, three quarters?" Midgets, man. What do they do when a midget is missing? Put 'em on the back of a container of Half & Half?"

• You ever date a chick with a hunch-fucking-back? I did. I’m in a grocery store with this chick, the security guards were all over her, because they thought she was trying to smuggle a turkey under the back of her fucking jacket. I had a hunch. I had a hunch they’d stop her with that bad fucking back. They should have a telethon for hunchbacks. That’s- that’s what I think. They bring ‘em out on a string like a pack of camels. [mimics a hunchback walking] “Bump be dump bump.” I think something could be done. Chip the fucking thing off. You ever date a chick with buck-fucking-teeth and a hunch-fucking-back? Huh? Oh, just trying to talk to a bucktooth fucking chick is incredible. [Forces his mouth into an overbite] “Hey. You want to go to a movie?” “Shut up stupid! Pop the cork on this bottle.” And to make love to a chick with buck-fucking-teeth and a hunch-fucking-back is a complete horror show. You’re in bed with them and it’s like you’re on a seesaw. You know what I’m saying? They’re like [forces his mouth into an overbite again] “Ugh, it feels so good. It feels so good.” “Shut up!”

• Go ahead, marry her. Don't marry her, man. How do you know where she's been? Huh! How do you know she's not the biggest fucking whore to ever walk this fucking town, man? I went with this one girl, she was such a fucking tramp, I had to double park my dick on her ass and wait an hour to get in. It's unfuckingbelievable, I'm telling ya.

Andrew Dice Clay

• Let me ask you a question...: the first time you fucked her, was she any good? Yeah? Now let me ask you another question: how do you think she got that way?
• Lets say you're fuckin', lets say you're fuckin', I dunno, you're fuckin' dog style right. Lets say you're fuckin' dog style, and the chick gets pregnant. I mean, uhhhhh would the kid pop out backwards? I dunno. I saw a girl walkin' around the street with a big hump on her back and I said, "Eh, youz fuckin' dog style right?"
• Like look at these Japs. These madame butterfly wok-using little nip motherfuckers! I mean I go into a bank and the name of my bank is hiuhuyuyuyu! They're takin over! Didn't we drop 2 bombs on them a few years ago? What was in those bombs, fuckin' fertilizer? And they're the worst drivers; I mean, how do you drive with your eyes 3/4 closed? You could blindfold these people with fuckin'dental floss! You don't give them keys to a car! You don't put your money in their fuckin' bank! You kick em in the ass and say "Get the fuck out of the country!"
• I go into these all-night 24 hour convenience stores, they got people in there. People? Things. These aren't even people, they don't even have a language to things that work in there. You go in for soda, cigarettes. You're like, "Yeah, how much? How much?" And they're like "Eh gooey buck and dee! Ah gooey buck--" And I'm like, you fuckin' geek! Where do they grow you? What farm were you picked out of?
• I don't see too many faggots in Philly, you know? Out in L.A., Manhattan, you got 'em all over the place. Brooklyn we don't have any gay people. They're all dead.
• I think the best part of being gay is when you're done [with sex], you could turn over and talk about football.
• And bisexuals. Let me explain something to you. There is no bisexual. You either suck dick, or you do not suck dick. I mean, what do these guys do, get up in the morning and flip a coin to decide? Heads I want hairpie, tails- balls across the nose! Oh! And they're too sensitive man. They don't know if they wanna be called gays, fairies, homosexuals. I call 'em cocksuckers! I think that about spells it out. The gays want their rights, I'll give them their rights. 10% off of vaseline now get the fuck back in the closet!

Nursery Rhymes

• Little Boy Blue...he needed the money!

• Jack and Jill went up the hill
  Both with a buck and a quarter
  Jill came down with $2.50! The fucking whore!

• Jack be nimble,
  Jack be quick,
  Jack burnt off his fucking dick!

• There once was an old lady who lived in a shoe,
  She had so many kids her uterus fell out!

• Georgie Porgie Puddin' and Pie
  Jerked off in his girlfriend's eye
  When her eye was dry and shut
  Georgie fucked that one eyed slut!

• Twinkle, twinkle little star,
  How I wonder what you are.
  Shine upon the parking lot,
  As I eat my girlfriend's twat!

• Eenie meenie miney moe,
  Suck my dick and swallow slow!

• Peter Peter pumpkin eater,
  Had a wife, loved to beat her
  Smacked her twice across the head,
  Fucked her ass and went to bed!

• Hickory dickory dock,
  Some chick was sucking my cock.
  The the clock struck two,
  I dropped my goo and dumped the bitch on the next block!
• Little Jack Horner
  Sat in the corner eating a pizza pie.
  He shit pepperoni, and blew his friend Tony
  Then wiped his mouth on his tie!

• Little Miss Muffet
  Sat on a tuffet,
  Eating her curds and whey.
  Along came a spider,
  And sat down beside her and said,
  Yo, what's in the bowl bitch?

• Jack Spratt could eat no fat,
  His wife could eat no lean.
  So Jack ignored her flabby tits,
  And licked her asshole clean!

• Mary, Mary quite contrary,
  Trim that pussy it's too damn hairy!

• Little Bo Peep fucked her sheep
  Blew her horse and licked his feet.
  She ate his asshole very nice,
  Tongued his balls not once, but twice!

• Three blind mice, see how they run.
  Where the fuck are they going?

• Patty cake, Patty cake
  Baker's man.
  If your chick's on her period
  Just fuck her in the can!

• Roses are red,
  Violets are blue.
  I fucked your mother's ass,
  And she had you!

• Old Mother Hubbard went to her cupboard
  To get her old dog a bone
  And when she bent over, Rover took over!
  She got a bone of her own

• Hickory Dickory Dock
  My balls fell out of my jock.
  I laid them to rest
  On some hooker's chest
  And paddled her face with my cock.

• Roll, roll, roll your cunt
  Gently down my prick.
  Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
  Then you'll suck my dick.

• Hey diddle diddle,
  The cat and the fiddle,
  The cow jumped over the moon.
  That's more than my lazy wife does,
  The fat, fuckin' smelly baboon

• Little Miss Muffet
  Sat on a tuffet
  A lightbulb was stuck up her ass.
  It woke up the spider
  Who lived deep inside her.
  He said "Hey, free electric and gas."

• Jack and Jill went up the hill
  And Jack would try to hump her.
  Jill said No / and Jack said So
  I'll ram it in your dumper.

• Twinkle twinkle little star,
  Will she blow me in the car.
  I bought her dinner, she had fun.
  My balls are boiling, I'd like to come.

• Old Mother Hubbard
  Went to the cupboard
  To get her old dog a snack.
  The cupboard was bare,
  She didn't despair.
  She let Rover munch on her crack

• Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater.
  Whacked off in the movie theater.
  Sprayed his load across the screen
  And ruined Titanic's final scene

• Jack and Betty, up in a tree
  F-U-C-K-I-N-G
  First comes Betty, then comes Jack
  Then comes the goo from Betty's crack.

• Rock-a-bye baby, on the tree top
  Your mother's a whore,
  I ain't your pop.

• Doe, a deer, a female deer.
  Ray, the guy that fucked her ass.

• Rub a Dub Dub
  Three men in a tub.
  Faggots have threesomes, too-
  So fuckin' what.

• Old Mother Goose...
  I fucked her.

• Jack and Jill went up the hill
  High on blunts and all.
  Jack pulled down his pants
  and Jill said damn that shits small.

• Rub a Dub Dub
  Three men in a tub.
  Fuck this shit it's gay.

• I fucked your mom
  I fucked her good.
  I fucked her better than your dad could

• Suck my balls
  suck my dick
  dont smack it around
  I dont play that shit.