Airplane II: The Sequel Quotations

Airplane II: The Sequel is a 1982 film that spoofs airport disaster movies. When a computer malfunction takes a space shuttle toward the sun, the fate of the passengers depends on an ex-war pilot who is the only one able to land the shuttle safely!

Written and directed by Ken Finkleman.

For the ride of your life... All you need for Christmas are your two front seats! taglines

Dialogue

Ted Striker: Which passenger is Joe Solucci?

Testa: 16C. Why?

Ted Striker: He's carrying a bomb.

Testa: A b—

Striker: No, Not a b. A bomb.

Ted Striker: I got a piece of metal. It's a bobby pin.

Murdock: A bobby pin? What the hell is the man doing with a bobby pin?

Girl on Plane: (Repeated to different men throughout the movie) I don't mean to sound forward. I mean, I know I hardly know you. But I don't think we're gonna live through this. And... I've never been with a man before.

Soldier: Those lights are blinking out of sequence.

Buck Murdock: I see.

Soldier: What should we do?

Buck Murdock: Make them blink in sequence.

Simon: Gentleman, I'd like you to meet our new captain.

Clarence Oveur: Gentlemen, welcome aboard.

Simon: Captain, your navigator, Mr. Unger, and your first officer Mr. Dunn.

Clarence Oveur: Unger.

Unger: Oveur.

Dunn: Oveur.

Clarence Oveur: Dunn. Gentlemen, let's get to work.

Simon: Unger, didn't you serve Oveur in the Air Force?

Unger: Not directly. Technically, Dunn was under Oveur and I was under Dunn.

Dunn: Yep.

Simon: So, Dunn you were under Oveur and over Unger.

Unger: Yep.

Clarence Oveur: That's right. Dunn was over Unger, and I was over Dunn.

Unger: So you see, both Dunn and I were under Oveur, even though I was under Dunn.

Clarence Oveur: Dunn was over Unger, and I was over Dunn.

Witness: Striker was the squadron leader. He brought us in real low. But he couldn't handle it.

Prosecutor: Buddy couldn't handle it. Was Buddy one of your crew?

Witness: Right. Buddy was the bombardier. But it was Striker who couldn't handle it, and he went to pieces.

Procesutor: Andy went to pieces?

Witness: No. Andy was the navigator. He was all right. Buddy went to pieces. It was awful how he came unglued.

Prosecutor: Howie came unglued?

Witness: Oh, no. Howie was a rock, the best tailgunner in the outfit. Buddy came unglued.

Prosecutor: And he bailed out?

Witness: No. Andy hung tough. Buddy bailed out. How he survived, it was a miracle.

Prosecutor: Then Howie survived?

Witness: No, 'fraid not. We lost Howie the next day.

Prosecutor: Over Macho Grande?

Witness: No. I don't think I'll ever get over Macho Grande.

Prosecutor: Doctor, can you give the Court your impression of Mr. Striker?

Dr. Stone: I'm sorry. I don't do impressions. My training is psychiatry.

Steve McCroskey: Jacobs, I want you to know absolutely everything that's happened up till now.

Jacobs: Well, let's see. First the earth cooled. And them the dinosaurs came, but they got too big and fat, so they all died and they turned into oil. And then the Arabs came and they bought Mercedes Benzes. And Prince Charles started wearing all of Lady Di's clothes. I couldn't believe it.

Steve McCroskey: Jacobs, what have you got on Elaine Dickinson?

Jacobs: Well, I'm two inches taller, a better dancer, and much more fun to be with.

Elaine Dickinson: Ted, I have the strangest feeling we've been through this exact same thing before.

Steve McCroskey: And I can sum it all up in just one word: courage, dedication, daring, pride, pluck, spirit, grit, mettle, and G-U-T-S, *guts*. Why, Ted Striker's got more guts in his little finger than most of us have in our large intestine, including the colon.

Boy: Hey mister, can I ask you a question?

Ted Striker: A question - what is it?

Boy: It's an interrogative statement designed to test knowledge, but that's not important right now.

Buck Murdock: Irony can be pretty ironic sometimes.

Buck Murdock: Oh, cut the bleeding heart crap will ya? We've got our switches, lights, and knobs to deal with, Striker. I mean, down here there are literally hundreds and thousands of blinking, beeping, and flashing lights, blinking, beeping and flashing - they're flashing and they're beeping. I can't stand it anymore! They're blinking and beeping and flashing! Why doesn't somebody pull the plug!

Buck Murdock: We'd better get to the tower, Lieutenant.

Lt. Pervis: We have no tower, sir.

Buck Murdock: No tower?

Lt. Pervis: Just a bridge, sir.

Buck Murdock: Why the hell aren't I notified about these things?

Steven McCroskey: Striker? Striker, Striker, Striker!

[a man behind McCroskey strikes a woman]

Ted Striker: We're going to have to blow up the computer!

Elaine Dickinson: Blow ROC?

[a smiling face appears on the computer]

Ted Striker: Quick, you must get everybody into the lounge.

Testa: But we don't have a lounge.

Ted Striker: That's not important right now.

Jimmy: (thinks) Dad never slaps me around at home must be his coffee.

Jimmy's mom: (thinks) No, I've been serving him decaf. Maybe he's just an asshole.

Mr. Hammen: And how about the time we hopped in the family car and drove all the way to Woodstock?

Mrs Hammen: Oh, that was a time. You got hold of that bad acid and didn't come down for two weeks, you keep telling everyone that you were Jesus Christ and then you jumped off a roof 'cause you thought you could fly!

Mr. Hammen: What a bummer.

Mrs. Hammen: No shit.

Ted Striker: We're not in the past anymore, Elaine. This... is the FUTURE.

ROC: Voice interface.

Elaine Dickinson: There's an overheat in the core. Please analyze problem.

ROC: There is no apparent overheat.

Elaine Dickinson: Yes, there is, ROC. We read a coreheat. Repeat analysis.

ROC: Analysis confirmed. All systems compute positive.

Elaine Dickinson: Well, not from where I'm sitting, they don't!

ROC: Look, Elaine. Cut the "not from where I'm sitting" shit. It must be a human error.

[Elaine turns to the captain]

Elaine Dickinson: Captain, I think we have a computer foul-up!

Clarence Oveur: I see.

Elaine Dickinson: Well, what do you recommend, Captain?

Clarence Oveur: Maybe you'd better run it through the computer.

Elaine Dickinson: But sir, I already have!

Clarence Oveur: Good!

[The controllers thinking about the people in the hijacked airplane]

Controller #2: They're screwed!

Controller #3: They're dead!

Controller Jacobs: Did I leave the iron on?

Businessman #1: Don't worry about the Viatex account, we have a buy and sell option; we can't get hurt in either case.

Businessman #2: Just keep on touch of their legal people, Bob.

Businessman #1: Will do.

[two men kiss]

Businessman #2: And Bob, feed the cats.

Businessman #1: Will do.

[The Wilsons arrive at checkpoint]

Porter: Can I help you folks?

Alice Wilson, John Wilson: Oh, yes, thank you.

Porter: Aw, is that your dog, son?

[looking at Scraps, Jimmy's dog]

Jimmy Wilson: Yes, his name is Scraps, and he's going to the moon with us.

Porter: Oh no. No dogs are allowed in the shuttle son. I'm afraid Scraps will have to be shot.

[pulls out a gun, shoots the dog and the dog falls to the floor]

Jimmy Wilson: [shouts, bending toward his dog]

Porter: Just joking. Blanks, see? Scraps is fine.

[dog stands up and Porter, Alice and John Wilson are laughing]

First Woman in Line: Where is the passenger processing lounge for the lunar shuttle?

Information Agent: Concourse lounge C, fourth level.

First Woman in Line: Thank you.

Information Agent: Next?

First Woman in Line: How long is my parking permit good for?

Information Agent: Two hours.

First Woman in Line: Thank you?

Information Agent: Yes, next.

Next Man: What's the fastest animal on Earth?

Information Agent: The cheetah. Next?

Female Passenger #3: Should I fake my orgasms?

Information Agent: Yes.

Female Passenger #3: Thank you.

Information Agent: Next?

[in a montage of news reports]

Buffalo Anchorman: Our top story Tonight, Four-alarm fire rages through Downtown Buffalo. Also in the news, Lunar Shuttle heads for the Sun, and certain disaster.

Tokyo Anchorman: Our top story Tonight, Four-alarm fire rages through Downtown Tokyo. Also in the news, American Lunar Shuttle locked in death struggle.

Moscow Anchorman: [with a gun pointed in his head] A four-alarm fire in Downtown Moscow clears way for a glorious new tractor factory. And on the lighter side of the news, Hundreds of Capitalists are soon to perish in Shuttle disaster.

Clerk: Do you swear on the Constitution of the United States to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

Witness: Ain't no thing.

[he slaps the clerk's book and the clerk uses his book to slap the witness's hand as if "giving fives" to each other]

Defense Attorney: [approaches the witness as he sits down in the witness stand] Would you describe in your own words, what happened that night?

Witness: Check it, bleed. Bro... was on! Didn't trip. But the folks was freakin', man. Hey, and the pilots were laid to the bone, Home. So Blood hammered out and jammed jet ship. Tightened that bad sucker inside the runaway like a mother. Shit.

[the stenographer wears sunglasses and sways back and forth as he types]

[Ted climbs over the wall guarding the mental hospital, removes his gown revealing his regular clothes and throws the gown out of harm's way. The gown comes back and covers Ted's head. Ted drops the gown beside him and starts to run while trying to avoid being spotted by a searchlight. Ted pauses when he encounters a lounge singer in a spotlight. The singer wears a tuxedo with his bow tie untied and he holds a microphone. It's Jack Jones.]

Lounge Singer: [sings] floats back to you... Ooh, The Love Boat... soon will be making another run. The Love Boat...

[Ted continues to run]

Buck Murdock: Striker, you get that ship down... and down safe... [a giant money safe falls down behind Murdock] ... and there just might be a few of us who will forget about Macho Grande.

Controller #3: Get me Steve McCroskey!

Controller #2: Are you kidding? Ever since Reagan fired the air traffic controllers, he's been completely senile!

Controller #3: Yeah, but what about McCroskey?

Controller #2: About the same as Reagan.

Taglines

For the ride of your life... All you need for Christmas are your two front seats!
Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the departure lounge!

Cast

Robert Hays - Ted Striker
Juile Hagerty - Elaine Dickinson
Lloyd Bridges - Steven McCrosky
Chad Everett - Simon Kurtz
Peter Graves - Captain Clarence Oveur
Chuck Connors - The Sarge
William Shatner - Murdock
Raymond Burr - Judge D.C. Simonton