12 oz. Mouse Quotations

12 oz. Mouse is an American animated comedy show on Cartoon Network as part of the Adult Swim late night programming block. The show centers around the antisocial actions of a 12 oz. mouse (Fitzgerald Mouse) who is fond of beer and caught in a world of espionage and love, and unknowingly delights in odd jobs. It is claimed to be written (and possibly drawn) while drunk.

Episode 1 - Hired

Shark: Can I help you?

Fitz: Can I help you?

Shark: What do you do?

Fitz: I do it all.

Shark: Have a seat.

Fitz: I will, because that's something I can do.

Shark: Then do something.

(a long pause with the camera on a motionless clock, which is ticking)

Shark: Do something.

Fitz: I am. I did.

Shark: What did you do?

Fitz: (interrupting Shark) It's already done.

Shark: What did you do?

Fitz: I helped you.

Shark: Are you drunk?

Fitz: (edgy) Not drunk enough.

(another long pause)

Fitz: ...Can I help you?

Shark: Yes you can. Got a job for you.

Fitz: Okay. I'm hired.

Shark: Business man coming in today. Very important.

Fitz: Woah... a real buis-nass-man? No way.

Shark: He's rectangle-y. That's how you'll know him. By his rectangularness.

Fitz: No way.

Shark: Drive him to Cheese Industries. You don't even know where that is. That's why we picked you... because everybody else knows.

Fitz: Right now?

Shark: Mhmm.

Fitz: Oh look what I found. (Fitz pulls out a beer)

Fitz: I gotta do this first. (Fitz begins drinking beer) Ahhh.

Shark: Okay. That works. How 'bout now?

Fitz: Yes, how 'bout now?

Shark: Yeah, now's good. Before would've been better but... before is over.

(Fitz shoots his gun into the sky at a passing airplane at the airport next to his jet taxi.)

(Square business man approaches)

Fitz: What do you want?

Square: I have an appointment at Cheese Industries.

Fitz: ..So?

Square: I'd like to hire you to drive me there.

Fitz: No talking. Pay.

Square: How much in the world is it?

Fitz: (agitated) Get in.

(Fitz drives his taxi jet at top speed with the square business man in the back seat)

Rectangle: God! Is the heat on in here?

Fitz: It should be... You like porno?

Rectangle: Well, uhh...

Fitz: (cutting off Rectangle) Look at this. (Fitz pulls out a crudely drawn sex doll)

Rectangle: Um... (removes glasses) I don't have any eyes.

Fitz: Oh man... sucks for you.

Fitz: Hey! You should feel around back there and grab me a beer.

Rectangle: But you're driving.

Fitz: Was driving. Sittin' back here with you now.

(camera shows Fitz sitting in the back with Rectangle. The Taxi Jet crashes and flips over shortly afterwards)

Square: Are we here? Because I have an important business meeting.

Fitz: Yeah, we're here. Hey, let me help you inside.

(Fitz carries the square business man into a room with a bed where a chinchilla named Skillet, Fitz' best friend, operates a video camera)

Square: Wait a second. Is this Cheese Industries?

Fitz: It's about to be. Why don't you take off your shirt?

Square: What??

Fitz: Just lie down on the bed.

(Fitz tosses the square business man onto the bed and stands behind camera with Skillet, naked doll in hand)

Fitz: Okay, roll camera. And action.

(Fitz throws naked doll onto the bed with the square business man who sits motionless)

Fitz: Action. Come on. Get on that.

Square: Although this is a comfortable bed...

Fitz: Kiss it.

Square: ...I don't think this is Cheese Industries.

Fitz: Kiss it. Squeeze it.

(Short pause)

Fitz: Skillet, come on, let's go.

(Fitz pulls out a lit bomb and tosses it onto the bed)

Fitz: We'll be right back.

Square: Wait - Wait, guys. Hang on...

(Fitz and Skillet drive off in the jet taxi as the building explodes)

Fitz: My head. That guy... was such a dork... we should rob that bank.

Fitz: Hey Rhoda, let me get uh... twelve. Beers.

Rhoda: What are you uh... what are you celebratin' here? Your uh... outstanding gayness?

Fitz: Nope! Our bank robbery.

Rhoda: You robbed a bank!?

Fitz: Hell yeah!

(Rhoda puts one beer at a time on the bar)

Rhoda: You boys are wild.

Fitz: Yes we are.

Rhoda: I mean, you boys are like wild wild, you know what I mean?

Fitz: That's right.

Rhoda: I mean completely wild at a wildness wild-y. And I salute you.

Fitz: Yes sir...

Fitz: Like woah... look at down there. Meee-ouse. Meouse.

(Fitz jumps back and forth over the bar trying to sneak up on an attractive woman at the end of the bar. He finally drops in from a rope and proceeds to make out with her shortly before she slaps him.)

Fitz: Oww!

Man/Woman: What are you doing??

Fitz: Makin' out on ya. That's what you wanted. I mean, come on. Look how you're dressed.

Man/Woman: You're such a dick!

(Fitz vomits on woman)

Man/Woman: Eww, get away!

Fitz: Aw, come on, baby.

Man/Woman: Man power go!

(Woman turns into a man. Fitz vomits a second time.)

Fitz: Don't be that way...

(Man/Woman flies away with jets firing from the bottom of his/her feet)

Fitz: Wait a minute. They're playing my song.

(Fitz stands on stage)

Fitz: (Singing) I love little pussy, her coat is so warm. And if I...

(Fitz is interrupted by a blue peanut shaped cop who hops onto the stage)

Peanut: You boys uh, hear anything? Bank robbery... about it?

Fitz: Yea- Yep.

Peanut: Uhm, is that your stolen jet outside? With all those bags of money? In the back seat... dude?

Fitz: Well does it have bullet holes in it?

Peanut: Um... no.

Fitz: (now with a beer) Well then it's not mine, is it? (drinks)

Peanut: Oh, wait a second! Those are expensive beers! You must have pretty good jobs to pay for those kind of beers!

Fitz: Excuse me, but that bartender just called you a homo.

Peanut: OH.

(Peanut walks over and shoots the bartender in the head with his shotgun)

(Fitz in Skillet ride away in the jet taxi)

Fitz: Skillet, we just spent sixty-four thousand dollars in that bar... So... We're gonna have to get jobs to cover up the fact that we rob banks. But first, I need to get a drink.

(Fitz enters the liquor store)

Liquor: Ah, Fitz - The usual?

Fitz: Yep.

Liquor: That'll be... Let's see... Three hundred dollars?

Fitz: Tell ya what.

(Fitz chugs the beer, breaks the empty bottle on the floor and leaves)

Liquor: ...Perfect.

(Outside, Fitz wanders into traffic)

Man/Woman: Watch out! Oh, my god - watch out! Watch watch watch it!

(A car hits Fitz as it speeds past, throwing him over the car.)

Man/Woman: Oh my god, is he dead?

Fitz: No! I'm just drunk!

Man/Woman: Watch out!

Fitz: I'm just...

(Another car runs over Fitz)

Fitz: (In the woman's voice) Oh, my god!

(Fitz stands up)

Fitz: It's cool, everybody! I'm just drunk!

(Fitz gets knocked back down by another car as plenty more continue to run over him. He manages to get back up unhurt.)

Fitz: See? It's okay!

(Fitz shoots wildly at a bystander until he finally blows him away)

Fitz: It's all cool, man - it's just...

(The crowd of bystanders stare into the sky)

Fitz: Wha.. what. What're y'all lookin'.. what're you lookin' at.

Fitz: What's that, a... is that a meteor?

(a meteor lands on Fitz's head)

Fitz: That's a cool meteor.

(A Producer Man walks up to Fitz)

Producer Man: Hey, kid! You are really somethin'! You'd be great in pictures!

Fitz: I would?

Producer Man: Yeeeah, you would - hoho!

Producer Man: Up top! (raises arm)

Fitz: ...but I'm too drunk!

Producer Man: Perfect! Let me buy you a drink because you are HIRED, sir! Ha!

Fitz: Well, see first I need to check with my boss. Because he's a shark.

Fitz: What's it like to be a shark?

(Shark slips off his desk)

Shark: Ow.

Fitz: Nice.

(Shark flops up and down, trying to get back on to his desk)

Fitz: You need some help?

Shark: Wait. I'll do it.

(Shark flops some more and gets back up to his desk)

Shark: So let me get this straight.

Fitz: Okay. Please...

Shark: I sent you to pick up a client and take him to a meeting.

Fitz: Yes. Yessir?

Shark: Instead of that... you took him to a porno set, where he starred in his very first porno and then you blew him up...

Fitz: Wrong. That didn't happen.

Shark: ...Then you robbed a bank...

Fitz: Robbed a bank?

Shark: ...Threw up on a woman...

Fitz: What!?

Shark: ...and sang to the police.

Fitz: That didn't happen. I didn't do that.

Shark: Huh... So what did you do?

Fitz: I did exactly what I wanted to do.

Shark: Which was what? Again?

Fitz: All things. A-L-L.

Shark: Hey, you know what they say? That I'm gonna give you one more chance.

Shark: They always say that.

Fitz: Oh, yeah? (angry) I think I'll give you one more chance!

(Fitz unloads multiple gun shots into Shark and then jumps out of his chair and begins to pistol whip Shark. He hops back to his seat and unloads even more shots)

Shark: Bulletproof.

Fitz: Hm. Then I guess I'll take the job.

Eye: Eye live on an eye-land in Eye-owa.

Eye: Or... W-eye-oming.

Fitz: No. You can't do that.

Episode 2 - Signals

Fitz: So, what's it like to be an eye?

Eye: It's like... wow.

Fitz: Oh yeah? Really?

Eye: Real... estate.

Fitz: So how do you know... Shark?

Eye: Shark... know... eye.

Fitz: So what, you hired me through him?

Eye: Aye.

Fitz: Mmm. Good news for Mouse. He's hired. What's the job?

Eye: Golden Joe.

Fitz: Golden? No way.

Eye: Way. Curds and Whey.

Fitz: Who is it?

Eye: Magic man. Does business on frik.

Fitz: Owes ya money?

Eye: Lots. Up to his eyes.

Fitz: How much does it cost?

Eye: Fifty Mil.

Eye: How much do you charge eh.

Fitz: Fifty Mil.

Eye: Upfront for eye?

Fitz: Upfront, upback, upside, upside your head. (Siren Lady emits air horn sound)

Eye: It pays fifty mil from Eye.

Fitz: Oh yea. It pays fifty mil upfront, it pays fifty more mil when I deliver.

Fitz: That's Sixty Mil.

Eye: It doesn't. But it will.

Shark: Sit down.

Fitz: No.

Shark: Stand up.

Fitz: No. (mouse sits)

Shark: Golden Joe is like... magical. All disappeary and shut. You watch that, okay?

Fitz: No.

Shark: Because I... I've come to care about you. A lot.

(Camera zooms into Fitz, wide-eyed upon hearing this)

Shark: And also not in that way.

(Fitz is no longer wide-eyed)

Shark: Well, yeah, in that way a little.

(Fitz is wide-eyed again)

Shark: Half and half.

Fitz: I need a drink.

Shark: It doesn't matter. You'll be back.

Rhoda: How about you, you want the uh, usual 12 beers at once?

Fitz: Make it uh, let's make it 13.

Fitz: I've got a special effects guy outside, works in the movies. He worked on Black Beast.

Fitz: He's the best, have you seen that?

Golden Joe: Uh-uh.

Fitz: There's not one beast in it, but you think there is, okay? He's that good.

Fitz: Mmmm, let's go out later. I wanna drink some. So I can drive.

(Camera shows Fitz driving his Taxi Jet down the road, upside-down with sparks flying all over)

Fitz: What do you know about tanks?

Golden Joe: They are BIG as HELL!

Fitz: They're also good for bustin' squirrels out of jail.

Fitz: But first... this tank needs some liquor.

Liquor: Ah, Fitz, the usual?

Fitz: Yep.

Liquor: That'll be...

(camera shows the rack of beers, labeled thirty cents)

Liquor: Lets see...

(Fitz takes a beer from the rack)

Liquor: Three hundred dollars?

Fitz: Tell ya what.

(Fitz drinks the whole beer, throws down the bottle and the bottle shatters. He then leaves the store)
(Close up on Liquor)(Siren Lady emits air horn sound)

Woman: Excuse me. Excuse me, sir. You can't park here. Sir. Sir, excuse me, you can't park that tank here. Sir, you can't park that tank here. Excuse me, sir, you can't park that tank here. Excuse me, you can't park that tank here.

(Fitz shoots the woman with the tank)

Fitz: What'd she say?

Golden Joe: MAN, that was CRAZY AS HELL!

Fitz's Song:

Look at the sun

Over the mountains

It sets like destiny

Over the mountains

It's so beautiful

(atop Fitz's tank, which he has driven into the mountains)

Eye: Eye saw you dr-eye-ving the tank.

Fitz: No, that wasn't me. I don't drive.

Eye: Did you get m-eye mon-eye?

Fitz: I don't understand anything you're saying.

Eye: Did you get m-eye money?

Fitz: Yeaus.

Eye: Where is it?

Fitz: Pissed it away.

Eye: Ooh. On What?

Fitz: Spennit. On... piss.

Eye: On what?

Fitz: A tank.

Eye: Which tonk?

Fitz: Every tonk.

(Skillet starts screaming and jumping as his ankle band starts beeping and displaying a frown face)

Eye: What in the piss is wrong with your friend?

Fitz: His name is Night Moves. He was born with it, and he loves tanks.

(Skillet explodes)

The continuation of Fitz's song:

Look with me Eye

And see what you can see

When you see the sun

When it sets

Shark: Hey, how'd the job go?

Fitz: You know.

Shark: Mhmm.

Fitz: Started it an... and it went on. You know.

Shark: Mmmmm... You didn't do it, did you?

Fitz: No, no, I did it.

Shark: No, no, no, no. Don't lie. 'Cause you didn't do it.

Fitz: Did.

Shark: All right, then what was the job?

Fitz: To do things.

Shark: For what?

Fitz: Mmmmmon-

(Shark interrupts) Shark: Don't say 'money'.

Fitz: Rubles.

Fitz: Barney Rubles.

Shark: Where's this going?

Fitz: Right here.

Shark: Where?

Fitz: Everywhere.

(Fitz's eyes open wide and he jumps on to the Shark's desk. The New Guy is standing behind them, the sheet making flapping noises)

Fitz: (whispering) Who's... who's the ghost?

Shark: That's the new guy.

Episode 3 - Rooster

Fitz: Oooo... My head... my brain... my... my beer.

Fitz: This is a corndog... must be a divining corndog... it must want... mustard.

Roostre's Song

Some people like to grow cotton

Some people slop them hogs

Me, I do it different

I grow big ol' fat corn dogs

Fitz: Who are you?

Roostre: Name's Roostre, R double-O S T R E. Sometimes all in capitals, depending on if you're yellin' at me or not. So uh, you yellin'?

Fitz: I ain't yellin'.

Roostre: Well, not yet. See you've found footlong there!

Fitz: Who's that?

Roostre: Footlong! He's my homing dog, got a sense for radar and quaznit.

Fitz: So... your corndog has radar. I knew it! But what would he want with radar?

Roostre: What's anyone want with radar? Everything boy, mouse, whatever. You a mouse, or a...

Fitz: Or what?

Roostre: Or hell I don't know, just thought you were a mouse or something, I mean you look like a damn mouse. The mouse.

Fitz: Maybe.

Roostre: You know "radar" spelled backwards is "radar." Did'ja know that?

Fitz: (wide open eyes, long pause)

Roostre: You're thinking about it ain't ya.

Fitz: Maybe.

(Corndog in Fitz's hand sprouts wings and flies upward and Fitz's eyes grow wide)

Roostre: What the hell?

Roostre: Get me missile command ASAP.

(Rocket launcher emerges from house)

Roostre: Where in the hell does that damn mutt think he's going to?

(Camera goes over Roostre's eye which has a targeting system of the corndog)

Roostre: Hold on you mangy smell hound, here it comes!

(Missile launches)

Roostre: Fire!

(Giant explosion where the corndog is)

Roostre: Hey, uh, you want a beer, or do we need to get twelve?

(A bird lands on Fitz' head)

Fitz: Are you talking to me or this bird?

Eye: I think that I am ver-eye t-eye-red of the t-eye-me

Ver-eye tired of the time

Very tired of the time gas!!!

(He is sprayed by a clock with a green gas)

The New Guy's Song:

Passion hides

In painted smiles

Tropical liaisons

Wet and wild

Mingle and chime

And ladder climb

For glamour and for gold

The jetset meets the maritime

Where love is bought and sold

Storms are surging deep within

Her lying eyes will always win

Dusk to dawn she trawls

And your will is dying (dying)

Shark: Got a job for you.

Fitz: I'm enthusiastic... about all beer.

Fitz: Especially, this one.

(Drinks a beer)

Episode 4 - Spider

Shark: If I were you, I would not check my ice box. I wouldn't check yours either.

Peanut: Are you the one who broke in here... now?

Producer Man: Hey kid, I never have to break in when I am in the Nihm. You know what I'm sayin'?

Peanut: ...nope.

Producer Man: My hea-! (Cut off mid-word)

(Producer Man's head is cut in half and spews blood upwards)

Peanut: Whoaa... Is that ice cream?

(Peanut is drenched in a spray of blood)

Peanut (Whispering): Awesome.

Shark: I've always kinda wanted to be in a band.

Fitz: No way, what do you play?

Shark: I play uh... with minds. Shhhhhh. Go home and think about that.

Shark (referencing a severed hand): You found my record, didn’t you? Now... spin it.

Rhoda (to Eye): And the word is - and I'm not saying this what I think, know, or have heard to be true, but Liquor said that Mouse is up to his cans. Yeah, and not only that, but New Guy heard he got out, right, like someone got him out, and he got a thing for squirrels. Now I'm not talking as though he's cheesy green up on them, I'm saying more like Ecuadorian sleep, if you get the picture. Oh and another thing, Roostre, you know Roostre, up on the farm guy? Alright, well Liquor also says that a letter accidentally got delivered to him, but before he could open it, boom, just like that, clock shows up, next thing he remembers it's day 97.

Shark (to Rhoda): And then something goes off in my brain, and sends an impulse to my jaw, and BAM, a thousand pounds of pressure locked in like a press. I mean, a head your size would burst like an infected kidney, and all I'd remember was how warm the juices were that lapped the back of my uvula on their trip down to stomach-land. But we're friends, right? We know each other. We know what we do, and who we talk to, and what we say to them.

Rhoda: We... do.

Shark: I knew we did. Now let's talk about the letter that Liquor got.

Liquor (dispassionately reading a letter): Dear Dad, I have spent over 10 years and $94,000 putting together my mosquito costume and now I am pleased to announce that I have become a mosquito. The costume is quite realistic and I have even attached bladders to the nose thing so that I can suck up liquids when I puncture them...with my nose thing. I could be buzzing all around you on a hot summer day and you wouldn't even recognize me as your son-child, you would just think, “Get away, mosquito.” From my point of view, you would be 3,000 dads because of the way I've designed the eyeballs. I might be saying, “Dad it's me, Dad it's me,” but you wouldn't be able to understand my language because of its buzzing. I am also into plastics now and I am making plastic tubes that you can suck liquids through; kind of like my mosquito nose, but used for different reasons. Hope you're doing well at camp. See you soon.

Mos... Mos- Mosquito... Mosquitor? Mosqui- Mosquithing. ...I don't know who that is.

Fitz: See it?

Eye: I see... n-eye-n.

Fitz: It was right F-in' here. Where the F is it? It was a... it was a F-in' arrow, and it was right the F here.

Episode 5 - Rememorized

Man/Woman: Stop. Where's everyone going?

Rectangle: Well, first off, all those people are actually following me. Because I have a 7000 mile global head start.

Liquor: I have an idea, and it's a good one.

Man-Woman: Tell me.

Liquor: Go outside, stand in the road, every time you see a car, flip it off.

Man/Woman: What will that do?

Liquor: It'll be neat!

Rectangle: I hope you know how very lucky you are to know me since I'm so incredibly incredible.

Shark: Yeah, I am.

Rectangle's Special Words: Miglo la mofla ferneminen

Man/Woman: C-cells run dry down by the Sea Cell

Man/Woman: You're ending your sentences in prepositional phrases. You'd better stop ending your sentences in prepositional phrases.

Rhoda: Or what?

Man/Woman: I'll make it look like you killed me.

Shark: You're so... talk so much.

Episode 6 - Spharktasm

Rhoda: You have no idea what kind of party is in store for us here.

Fitz: I love a party, with clowns and cakes. You know, I can't remember the last time I was at a party, and that is what's driving me out of my brains.

Fitz: Grab another turkey and put it at her feet.

Roostre's Song:

Was a time

Not long ago

Lived a good life

On the road

Big snout house

Two car garage

Three-piece suit

And a brand new Dodge

But in a wink of an eye

I lost it all

I got some land

Grow corn dogs

So now I'm stuck

On this here farm

Done lost my mind

Then I lost my arm

Grow mean dogs

For the carny trash

Are 'mong the things

I'll do for cash

But my demise

Ain't all my fault

But I reap the 'wards

That it has brought

But I reap the 'wards

That it has brought

(Fitz is assembling his multi-barreled gun)

Fitz: Okay, here's the deal fellas. One of you, all of you, none of you, maybe, know exactly what is going on here.

Roostre: Now Mouse, you don't know what you're talking about.

Fitz: Shut up. Nobody talks. Nobody talks until I...

(he has assembled the gun with most of the barrels pointing back at him)

Fitz: ...figure out what I'm doing with this thing.

Fitz: I've got a lot on my mind, gentlemen. I've got a lot on my mind and a lot of gun in my hand so don't "F" this up.

Fitz: This is all like a puke dream that I can't seem to shake the sweats from, and every time I turn around, there's a shark and a clock... some sort of eyeball thing.

Fitz: Funny thing is, I have these weird flashes, like I've been somewhere before, ripped from somewhere, for reasons I don't understand.

Additional lyrics to the New Guy's song AKA Princess Cruiser performed by Tongo Hiti:

Poolside games for little dames

Once a twister, now you're in limbo

Libido bending hot signal sending, just how low can you go?

Episode 7 - Adventure Mouse

Eye: I'm having fun at your part-eye.

Shark: Yeah, thanks, uh... love it over there. Away from me. In Canada, or farther.

(Talking to The Eye)

Shark: Who told you about the party? 'Cause I dont have people in that often. And you're not even people. You round, wet, unblinking, horrific orb. You're gross. I really wish you would leave my party.

Eye: That's a good show. How does it end?

Shark: It never ends.

Eye: But ever-eye-thing ends, somehow.

Shark: You are becoming a real problem.

Eye: I'm sorry.

Rectangle: Shark, I think he should prove his sorriness... with these.

(takes out a pair of bloody shears)

Shark: Wow. Yeah, that's menacing.

Man/Woman: I have read all these books and they are good books. Out of all these books, I would say that they are all these my favorite.

Man/Woman: Selur eht era selur.

(Fitz falls through a secret passage, and the bookcase hiding it closes behind him. Skillet starts punching the bookcase, and Shark is watching it all on camera.)

Shark: Whoa. Down little buddy. Down. I don't wanna tell you again. I will, but I don't wanna.

(Skillet doesn't stop, and cross hairs appear on Shark's screen. A dart hits Skillet in the neck.)

(Eye hops through the party on one leg, a bleeding wound where the other should be.)

Eye: I hurt! I hurt!

(falls into a pool of his own blood)

Eye: I need help.

(closes his eye as Shark looks on and laughs evilly)

Episode 8 - Bowtime

Peanut: It's like rocketry. Your pee is like rocketry because it rockets out. And if you have two rockets, step back. Here go the rockets!

Rectangle: Facades of this expense are becoming unpopular with my investors.

Shark: Your investors are one.

Rectangle: I don't know if you know this, but there are many who make one.

Shark: One is enough--for too much.

Rectangle: Your jealousy overwhelms your reputation.

Shark: My reputation is big time, and recorded; you are eyeless and squared.

Rectangle: Sixty of what you think is a reputation for one is your downfall.

Shark: Well, we'll see about that in due time. Won't we?

Rectangle: Time is due indeed.

Fitz: Just when I think I know what I'm thinking, I get this cloud. I know that when a man has memories, it's just electrical impulses through the brain that create the memories. Because the impulses travel at the the speed of light. Therefore the brain time travels, and that's how he remembers. But how does he feel? How does he feel those memories? How does he feel those thoughts? What-- what time is it?

Producer Man: Ooh, what's wrong little man? You got-- you got-- got some arrows stuck through ya. Ha ha. Zinger! Boing! Ha ha ha. Up top! Let's tour. Am I right? Am I right? Am I right?

Shark: Wrong. Very, very wrong.

Producer Man: Come on Shark, we're a team. It's me and you and we go to the zoo. Right?

Producer Man: Shark, it ain't over. It's me and you and me and you and me and you. Damn it.

(An electric saw sound is heard, and Producer Man's blood starts spreading across the floor.)

Shark: Where's the zinger? We all love to laugh.

Roostre is trapped in a spider's web.

Roostre: Hey Liquor, come here for a second. Um, this is very important. I need you to find my teacher, tell her I need to get back in the boat, and I need to go home.

Liquor: Yeah, it's a web. Get it?

Roostre: Yeah, I get it. Now can you let me outta here?

Liquor: Let you out? No.

Roostre: Why me? I mean, what did I do?

Liquor: You come too close to restarting everything. I know you. You'll set the alarm.

Roostre: I'll set the alarm? Is there a beer down here?

Episode 9 - Surgery Circus

Liquor: Oh good, Square is here. Hi, Square.

Rectangle: Lick it, oval.

Liquor: What's your square pleasure?

Rectangle: You probably don't have it, but it's Rusianik Chyd. It's an old drink of kings of old... kings of old richness. Old.

Liquor: I've got it, but can you afford it... you stupid bobquart!

Rectangle: Excuse me, did you just try to call me a -- bobquart?

Liquor: You? Did I? I did. I think you look like a purple wafer.

Rectangle: Oh really?

Liquor: What I'm actually thinking -- and please take this the wrong way as far up your hole as you can -- is that your gunkultschlinger is the size of a fortmiser's reticulus. Oh, ka-blammo.

Rectangle: He's a rather good shot, don't you think?

Shark: Yes he is.

Rectangle: He was the highest marksman in the class.

Shark: Well I'll be...

Rectangle: I bet you he could probably hit a mite from a thousand yards out in high wind.

Shark: If the wind is high then it wouldn't disrupt his shot, would it? So what's the point of adding that kind of wind? To it.

Rectangle: I was referring to a poor wind that would be low but high in speed and rich money richness, the kind of money speed that would richly affect a bullet's wealthy trajectory.

Shark: Oh.

Rectangle: Just because Liquor's dead, doesn't mean you can just roll this bitch all over town with the "freedoms."

Shark: Yes it does. I'm black now.

Shark: I love me some cookies.

(A large building with the word "Cookies" on it explodes.)

Shark: Just a small taste of my mighty blackness.

Episode 10 - Booger Haze

Golden Joe: You gon' blow my damn head off. I ain't got nothing else, man!

Rectangle: He is watching, you know.

Shark: Then watch on, my brother. Watch as the black shark turns it all the way up.

Green Sweater Woman: I have to pee. I have to pee. I have to pee. I have to pee. I said I have to pee.

(Her head is torn in half and her skull falls out.)

Rectangle: Ooh, what happened? I guess now you have a more serious problem than having to pee.

The right half of Green Sweater Woman's head: That wasn't nice. That wasn't nice. That wasn't nice.

The left half of Green Sweater Woman's head: That wasn't nice. That wasn't nice. You can't kill me.

Roostre (To Spider): Wait a minute. I know you.

Episode 11 - Star Wars VII

Fitz: There's enough guns down here to take out a town about... about this size.

Rectangle (To Shark): Your car sucks... maybe if I throw money at it, it will start.

Rectangle (To Shark): I should have expected this from your poor ass.

(Rectangle gets out of the stalled car and begins to leave.)

Shark: Where are you going?

Rectangle: To buy a harmonica... a very rich harmonica.

Shark: So you're just gonna leave? Not cool.

Rectangle: I just feel ever so inclined to buy a harmonica... made of gold... encrusted in diamonds... then dipped in gold... and rolled around in more diamonds. It's deadly to vampires, you know. Or was it werewolves? I forget which.

(Rectangle's voice fades out as he walks offscreen.)

Shark: ...You are not helping the situation.

Rectangle: I equate harmonicas to the blues... and the blues to the poor, but I still want one.

Shark: You barely piece of suckass car.

Rectangle: I don't even know how to play a harmonica... but I want one.

(Final scene.)

Rectangle: Oh look. I'm back.

Shark: Did you buy a harmonica?

Rectangle: Did you get the car started?

Shark: Did you get your harmonica started?

Episode 12 - Enjoy the Arm

Shark: Hand me that towel.

Rectangle: Why? You're becoming black now... the bad black shark. Remember?

Shark: Hand me that towel please... so I can shove it through your mouth and down into your guts.

Peanut: My blood has turned to booze, and I want my face to turn to booze. If my blood could drink my face, we'd be alright.

Peanut: Joe be honest with me... Is my hat on my head?

Golden Joe: I don't dress your ass in the morning. Shut the freak up!

Roostre (To Spider): You're gonna like the Corndroid... this is one bad fomo.

Rectangle: I don't know if you know, but there's this thing called a clutch... it's down there.

Shark: Yeah, I know what it is and I'm pressing it with my fin... but I easily could press it with your face.

Shark (To Rectangle): I have a feeling something bad is about to happen to you and everyone else, but mainly you.

Rectangle (To Shark): Slow and pathetic... I'm out walking your car. Dumbass.

Episode 14 - Meat Warrior

Shark: So, what's going on?

Rectangle: We were just watching you slither across the floor like the begging, broken dog you are... bitch.

Liquor: Can I get a lift?

Peanut: Uh, OK.. which way am I going... again?

Liquor: You're going downtown.

Peanut: [Whispering] Is there a fire there?

Liquor: You want there to be? There could be.

Rectangle: That idea was genitoid. Even your momma liked it.

Liquor: Are you drunk?

Peanut: You're not.

Liquor: Maybe I should drive drunk, it looks terrifying... to others.

Eye: Eye thought you were m-eye friend.

(Eye gets hit.)

Eye: Ow! R-eye-t in the eye.

Fitz: Wow... jumpy little whore.

(Peanut get hit by a dart.)

Peanut: Ow! That was... awesome!

(Another dart hits him.)

Peanut: Ow! Could I get a couple more of these please?

(Several darts hit him.)

Peanut: I don't even see you man... but thank you.

Peanut (To Shadowy Figure): What? I don't understand a thing you're saying man. Do you have any idea what you sound like? Bluh bluh bluh bluh... that's what you sound like in my head.

Episode 15 - Meaty Dreamy

Rectangle: Oh, that's nice. What is it, fake?

Shark: It's a one-gauge.

Rectangle: What's the damage on that?

Shark: It'll blow your head into vapor while it demoleculizes your bones. That's how fake it is.

Rectangle: Yeah, uh, great. That's uh... What is that, like an Indian burn kinda thing?

Liquor: The dreams, from the meat. That happening to any of you guys?

Mouse: Dreams? Shut em out!

Liquor: Thats the funny thing about them. I can't... (laughs nervously) I can't...

Shark: Yeah. Pusses say what pusses say, for pusses sake.

Shark: The one who says the most says the least. Especially the one next to me.

Rectangle: Where are we now, the Bible or something? The Bible never made money. It's poor. It's full of poor people.

Shark: Load me.

Rectangle: Do you shoot your mother with that gun?

(Rectangle uses his mind powers to cock the one-gauge shotgun)

Shark: Ka-kow.

Rectangle: I told you I smelled fuel. I'm big into oil. I own lots of it and I know what it smells like. It's rich smelling. The smell itself spawns property and mansions.

Shark: I'm gonna blow him away, all the way... away.

Rectangle: If you can find him. Barely find your ass to clean it.

(The one-gauge is aimed at Rectangle)

Rectangle: Do it. Be somebody. Be somebody for the great red one.

(Inside Liquor's meat dream. He stands before Skillet's grave.)

Liquor: You tried little guy. You tried the hardest.

Townspeople singing: Where does the firetruck go, go, go... where does the firetruck go, go, go... and when does the hand know, know, know... and when does the hand know, know, know...

Golden Joe: What's that jimbo kinimbo mean, man?

Peanut: What's the jimbo-kinimbo? [singing] Gol-den-Joooeee~ Never. Stop. Drinking.

Liquor: All weapons cock!

Episode 16 - Corndog Chronicles

Liquor: [hitting Fitz with a club] I said, "What are we gonna do? They're coming!"

(Skillet screams and points a gun at Liquor.)

Liquor: [to Skillet] You. Chill out. I'm not gonna hurt him.

(Skillet screams again.)

Liquor: I'm saving him.

(Liquor hits Fitz again, Fitz passes out.)

Fitz: 109Q. That's line code for... xenomorphinetation.

Roostre: You're gettin' it. Very smart.

Fitz: Arachnid xenomorphinetation.

Roostre: And that's where the dog went.

Fitz: It was added to the report chart, but right before...

Roostre: Before what, man?

Fitz: Before I... [takes out a beer] do this. Watch. [chugs the beer]

Roostre: And who added it to the report chart?

(Cut to a scene of Rectangle standing before the Shadowy Figure in fear.)

Roostre: You told me it was comin', bro. You told me to build the robots and you told me how to do it. Synthetic carbo-polymers got it through, man. They got 'em through, Mouse. They got through and we're gonna get out.

Liquor: Why are you climbing the clothes closet?

Fitz: You know I'm a clothes climber.

Fitz: If I didn't have this many clothes, I wouldn't be able to climb up to this.

Liquor: What is that thing behind that thing there?

Fitz: Some kind of lock.

Liquor: A-wha?

Fitz: It's a lock.

Liquor: Is it?

Fitz: A lock.

Liquor: Is it?

Fitz: A lock.

Liquor: Is it?

Fitz: Lock.

Liquor: It?

Fitz: Lock.

Liquor: It?

Fitz: Lock.

Liquor: It?

Fitz: Lock.

Liquor: It?

Fitz: The hell was that?

Liquor: Uhh... That... That was Amalockh.

Fitz: Ama-what?

Liquor: Amalockh.

Fitz: What's he do?

Liquor: [laughing] H-he kills us. [...] He kills us all.

Fitz: Well. Then let's kill him back.

Episode 17 - Eighteen

(Fitz places a gun to Liquor's neck.)

Liquor: Oh! Hello. That's my neck.

Fitz: How do I know you know what he's typing.

Liquor: How do you not know I don't?

(Fitz aims a second gun at Liquor)

Fitz: You been funny for a while is all.

Liquor: Oh! Did you catch my comedy act?

Fitz: No. Was it good?

Liquor: Dude! It was the shizzle.

Fitz: You know a lot and more than that.

Liquor: Um... Why don't you pull that gun out of my food chute and I'll get us both back home.

(Shark presses a button and Fitz's plane explodes.)

Shark: Oh... that's gone now.

(Shark presses the button again and Fitz's house explodes.)

Shark: Nnnnnno more of that.

(Shark presses the button four times and Eye's house, New Guy's house, Liquor's store, and Rhoda's bar explodes.)

Shark: Taste it. Taste it in your mouth, you green freak. I...

(Shark rapidly presses the button, the entire town bursts into explodions)

Shark: ...am the big bang theory.

Eye: You eye-sploded my home.

Shark: Yeah, I did. Your home sucked.

Eye: Eye built it with my own-

Shark: Your own what? You don't have any own. I made the own.

Peanut: [playing with a flame thrower] This reminds me of how fired up I am to help.

(The Shadowy Figure pulls up and speaks to Peanut.)

Peanut: If you want to help me out... gimme the darts.

(Peanut it hit with an 'Xtra Strong' dart. His pupils dilate.)

Peanut: Yeah!

Episode 18 - Pre-reckoning

Roostre: Well, if it ain't the Motly Mots.

Liquor: What up, Roost-aire?

Roostre: I remember you. You hit me in the head!

Liquor: Yeah! But, you know. I had a reason.

Eye: What if it were to move?

Shark: What if what moves, you... sack?

Shark: How much would you give to control a lifetime of time in a frozen segment of timelessness? Trillions of molecules makin' up life forms in space.

Shark: [to Clock] What do you mean you're out of the gas?

(The clock ticks.)

Shark: Well, I have armies coming, so... this is uncool.

Peanut: I wonder what time it is. I think it's beer time! That's what me thinks!

Peanut: Whoa, bro. Put these on.

Fitz: What is this?

Peanut: It's anti-anti-language gas. I made it from...

(Peanut breathes heavily in the mask.)

Peanut: Propane!

Fitz: Well, we need to kill that shark.

Peanut: Right now, broham? [breathes heavily in the mask] It's pretty good gas!

Liquor: Get 'er going. We're running out of no time.

Opening Theme Song

Out of my way, I'm drunk as hell!

I'll blow your ass away like a-ringin' a bell.

Foot's to the floor and the whiskey's flowin',

I got a porn shoot, I gotta get goin'.

You don't understand. He don't give a damn.

12 oz. Mouse

Jet car's rollin' all night long,

Crankin' up the jams and singin' along,

Car's full of bitches and a brand new bong.

Jazz Theme lyrics

Alternate/additional lyrics heard in Mike Geier's 12 oz. Mouse Jazz Theme::

Out of my way, I'm drunk as hell!

I'll blow your ass away like ringin' a bell.

Pedal's to the floor and the whiskey's a-flowin',

I got a porn shoot, I gotta get goin'.

You don't understand. He don't give a damn.

12 oz. Mouse

Crankin' up the jams and singin' along,

What's wrong is right, what's right is wrong

Makin' out on you at the end of the bar,

Blackin' out and pickin' up another scar

He don't give a damn. You don't understand.

12 oz. Mouse

Jet car rollin' all night long,

Car full of bitches and a brand new bong.

Burgle crazy into the night

What's right is wrong, what's wrong is right

Doing all things and considering no one

I've got a porn shoot, I gotta get goin'

You don't understand. He don't give a damn.

12 oz. Mouse

Jet car rollin' all night long,

Car full of bitches and a brand new bong.

Burgle crazy into the night

What's right is wrong, what's wrong is right

Doing all things and considering no one

I've got a porn shoot, I gotta get goin'

You don't understand. There's no f'n plan.

12 oz. Mouse

Skillet! Here's the bowl, now fill it. What do you mean Shark's listening? Far out.