You Just Don't Understand
Encyclopedia
You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation is a 1990 non-fiction book on language and gender by Deborah Tannen, a professor of sociolinguistics
at Georgetown University
. It draws partly on academic research by Tannen and others, but is written for a popular audience, and thus uses anecdotes from literature and the lives of Tannen and her family, students and friends.
Tannen takes an approach consistent with difference feminism
. From childhood boys and girls learn different approaches to language and communication, which she calls "genderlects". Females engage in "rapport-talk", that is meant to promote social affiliation and emotional connection; whereas men engage in "report-talk", focused on exchanging information with little emotional import. The difference in metamessages, Tannen shows, result in misunderstandings between men and women.
It remained on the New York Times best seller list
for nearly four years (8 months at No.1) and was subsequently translated into 30 other languages. It received generally positive reviews, and some readers have even credited it with helping save their relationships. Some other linguists, however, have criticized Tannen's representation of the research she cites and faulted her for ascribing the effects of inequities in social power to mere differences in language.
This leads to conversations at cross-purposes, since both parties may miss the other's metamessages, with attendant misunderstandings—for example, a woman complaining about the lingering effects of a medical procedure, who may merely be seeking empathy
from female friends by doing so, becomes angry at her husband when he suggests a solution involving further surgery. Men and women both perceive the other gender as the more talkative, and they are both accurate, since studies show men speak more in public settings about public topics while women dominate private conversation within and about relationships. The latter is frequently derided as gossip
by both genders, and Tannen devotes an entire chapter to exploring its social functions as a way of connecting speaker and listener to a larger group.
Men often dominate conversations in public, even where they know less about a subject than a female interlocutor, because they use conversation to establish status and women often listen because they have been socialized to be accommodating, patterns that begin in childhood. These patterns mean, for instance, that men are far more likely to interrupt another speaker, and not to take it personally when they are themselves interrupted, while women are more likely to finish each other's sentences.
These patterns have paradoxical effects. Men use the language of conflict to create connections, and conversely women can use the language of connection to create conflict. "Women and men are inclined to understand each other in terms of their own styles because we assume we all live in the same world." If the genders would keep this mind and adjust accordingly, Tannen believes, much discord between them could be averted.
called it "a refreshing and readable account of the complexities of communication between men and women". You Just Don't Understand "goes a long way toward explaining why perfectly wonderful men and women behave in ways that baffle their partners", said Judy Mann
in The Washington Post
.
During its four years on the Times' bestseller list, it spent eight months at the top. Tannen had to interrupt her teaching and researching career to do book tours and appear on talk shows. Many readers thanked her for saving their marriages.
linguistics professor Alice Freed gave an extended critique of You Just Don't Understand. "Its popularity and overwhelming acclaim are both astonishing and troubling", she began. "[A}n otherwise well-respected linguist has publicly and successfully promulgated a theoretical framework that is widely disputed within the academic community".
Tannen's book, Freed says, "simultaneously perpetuates negative stereotypes of women, excuses men their interactive failings, and distorts by omission the accumulated knowledge of our discipline." While Tannen accurately cites the factual findings of one researcher on the development of linguistic interaction among children, she uses them to support notions of intrinsic gender difference whereas the actual research finds greater similarities. Her readable anecdotes support unjustified generalizations that fail to take ethnic differences into account. "As an American Jewish woman married to an Irish American man," says Freed, "the constellation of conversational traits that I live with is completely at odds with those described by Tannen". She also points out that men and women are able to communicate with each other quite well when courting
.
Freed also says Tannen draws different conclusions from the same anecdotes in her scholarly work. In one she uses in both a scholarly article and her book, a man interrupts a joke his wife has begun telling to finish it for her. The article explains the man's behavior as a display of dominance, while the book simply suggests the two have different understandings.
In her preface, Tannen anticipated some of these criticisms:
Sociolinguistics
Sociolinguistics is the descriptive study of the effect of any and all aspects of society, including cultural norms, expectations, and context, on the way language is used, and the effects of language use on society...
at Georgetown University
Georgetown University
Georgetown University is a private, Jesuit, research university whose main campus is in the Georgetown neighborhood of Washington, D.C. Founded in 1789, it is the oldest Catholic university in the United States...
. It draws partly on academic research by Tannen and others, but is written for a popular audience, and thus uses anecdotes from literature and the lives of Tannen and her family, students and friends.
Tannen takes an approach consistent with difference feminism
Difference feminism
Difference feminism is a philosophy that stresses that men and women are ontologically different versions of the human being. Many Catholics adhere to and have written on the philosophy, though the philosophy is not specifically Catholic....
. From childhood boys and girls learn different approaches to language and communication, which she calls "genderlects". Females engage in "rapport-talk", that is meant to promote social affiliation and emotional connection; whereas men engage in "report-talk", focused on exchanging information with little emotional import. The difference in metamessages, Tannen shows, result in misunderstandings between men and women.
It remained on the New York Times best seller list
New York Times Best Seller list
The New York Times Best Seller list is widely considered the preeminent list of best-selling books in the United States. It is published weekly in The New York Times Book Review magazine, which is published in the Sunday edition of The New York Times and as a stand-alone publication...
for nearly four years (8 months at No.1) and was subsequently translated into 30 other languages. It received generally positive reviews, and some readers have even credited it with helping save their relationships. Some other linguists, however, have criticized Tannen's representation of the research she cites and faulted her for ascribing the effects of inequities in social power to mere differences in language.
Summary
Tannen's chapters, broken up into short titled sections of two or three pages, start by distinguishing what men and women seek from conversations: independence and intimacy respectively.This leads to conversations at cross-purposes, since both parties may miss the other's metamessages, with attendant misunderstandings—for example, a woman complaining about the lingering effects of a medical procedure, who may merely be seeking empathy
Empathy
Empathy is the capacity to recognize and, to some extent, share feelings that are being experienced by another sapient or semi-sapient being. Someone may need to have a certain amount of empathy before they are able to feel compassion. The English word was coined in 1909 by E.B...
from female friends by doing so, becomes angry at her husband when he suggests a solution involving further surgery. Men and women both perceive the other gender as the more talkative, and they are both accurate, since studies show men speak more in public settings about public topics while women dominate private conversation within and about relationships. The latter is frequently derided as gossip
Gossip
Gossip is idle talk or rumour, especially about the personal or private affairs of others, It is one of the oldest and most common means of sharing facts and views, but also has a reputation for the introduction of errors and variations into the information transmitted...
by both genders, and Tannen devotes an entire chapter to exploring its social functions as a way of connecting speaker and listener to a larger group.
Men often dominate conversations in public, even where they know less about a subject than a female interlocutor, because they use conversation to establish status and women often listen because they have been socialized to be accommodating, patterns that begin in childhood. These patterns mean, for instance, that men are far more likely to interrupt another speaker, and not to take it personally when they are themselves interrupted, while women are more likely to finish each other's sentences.
These patterns have paradoxical effects. Men use the language of conflict to create connections, and conversely women can use the language of connection to create conflict. "Women and men are inclined to understand each other in terms of their own styles because we assume we all live in the same world." If the genders would keep this mind and adjust accordingly, Tannen believes, much discord between them could be averted.
Reception
The book was well-received by major media outlets. The New York TimesThe New York Times
The New York Times is an American daily newspaper founded and continuously published in New York City since 1851. The New York Times has won 106 Pulitzer Prizes, the most of any news organization...
called it "a refreshing and readable account of the complexities of communication between men and women". You Just Don't Understand "goes a long way toward explaining why perfectly wonderful men and women behave in ways that baffle their partners", said Judy Mann
Judy Mann
Judy Mann was a correspondent for the Washington Post. She died from breast cancer.-Awards:Mann won many awards from institutions including:*Washington-Baltimore Newspaper Guild...
in The Washington Post
The Washington Post
The Washington Post is Washington, D.C.'s largest newspaper and its oldest still-existing paper, founded in 1877. Located in the capital of the United States, The Post has a particular emphasis on national politics. D.C., Maryland, and Virginia editions are printed for daily circulation...
.
During its four years on the Times' bestseller list, it spent eight months at the top. Tannen had to interrupt her teaching and researching career to do book tours and appear on talk shows. Many readers thanked her for saving their marriages.
Criticism
At a 1992 conference on women and language, Montclair State UniversityMontclair State University
Montclair State University is a public research university located in the Upper Montclair section of Montclair, the Great Notch area of Little Falls, and Clifton, New Jersey. As of October 2009, there were 18,171 total enrolled students: 14,139 undergraduate students and 4,032 graduate students...
linguistics professor Alice Freed gave an extended critique of You Just Don't Understand. "Its popularity and overwhelming acclaim are both astonishing and troubling", she began. "[A}n otherwise well-respected linguist has publicly and successfully promulgated a theoretical framework that is widely disputed within the academic community".
Tannen's book, Freed says, "simultaneously perpetuates negative stereotypes of women, excuses men their interactive failings, and distorts by omission the accumulated knowledge of our discipline." While Tannen accurately cites the factual findings of one researcher on the development of linguistic interaction among children, she uses them to support notions of intrinsic gender difference whereas the actual research finds greater similarities. Her readable anecdotes support unjustified generalizations that fail to take ethnic differences into account. "As an American Jewish woman married to an Irish American man," says Freed, "the constellation of conversational traits that I live with is completely at odds with those described by Tannen". She also points out that men and women are able to communicate with each other quite well when courting
Courtship
Courtship is the period in a couple's relationship which precedes their engagement and marriage, or establishment of an agreed relationship of a more enduring kind. In courtship, a couple get to know each other and decide if there will be an engagement or other such agreement...
.
Freed also says Tannen draws different conclusions from the same anecdotes in her scholarly work. In one she uses in both a scholarly article and her book, a man interrupts a joke his wife has begun telling to finish it for her. The article explains the man's behavior as a display of dominance, while the book simply suggests the two have different understandings.
In her preface, Tannen anticipated some of these criticisms: