The New Statesman
Encyclopedia
The New Statesman is an award-winning British sitcom of the late 1980s and early 1990s satirising the Conservative
government of the time. It was written by Laurence Marks and Maurice Gran
at the request of, and as a starring vehicle for, its principal actor, Rik Mayall
.
The show's theme tune is an arrangement by Alan Hawkshaw
of part of the Promenade from Pictures at an Exhibition
by Russian
composer Modest Mussorgsky
.
The programme was made by the ITV
franchise Yorkshire Television
between 1987 and 1992, although the BBC
made two special episodes; one in 1988, the other in 1994.
. The show was mostly set in B'Stard's antechambers in the Palace of Westminster
and featured Piers Fletcher-Dervish as B'Stard's twittish upper-class sidekick. B'Stard shared a middle name with Norman Tebbit
.
B'Stard was MP for the then fictional constituency of Haltemprice. In 1997, re-drawn boundaries led to the constituency of Boothferry in East Yorkshire being re-named "Haltemprice and Howden". This seat's first incumbent was David Davis
, a Conservative leadership candidate in 2001 and 2005. Goldsborough Hall
, near Knaresborough
, was used to portray his Yorkshire country residence and used as a backdrop for the opening photo sequences alone with a few exterior shots in the first season including the scene where he tries to run over the gardener in his Bentley
. The town of Knaresborough
, North Yorkshire was used to film the opening election sequence in the first episode and roads around Goldsborough
were used to shoot the police car chase from the first series where the policeman's gun backfires. Some city scenes were not filmed in London, but Leeds
, with Leeds Town Hall
used as the High Court.
Alan was the youngest MP
at the age of 31, and was a distillation of the greed and callousness that were considered the hallmarks of new money Thatcherites. B'Stard was married to the devious Sarah, a vain, bisexual nymphomaniac who wanted nothing more than for Alan to die so she could become a rich widow. The couple cheated on each other in perpetuity but remained in a marriage of convenience; Sarah because of Alan's money and Alan because Sarah's father controlled the local Tory Party and held Alan's seat in his gift.
Alan's schemes grew wilder and more bold as the series progressed taking in bribery, murder and provoking Trade Union disputes to make a profit. Later, B'Stard would intentionally mismanage the Tory election campaign so Labour would be blamed for an economic crisis, stage his own assassination to bring back hanging (and make £1,000,000 in the process). In the last episode he creates splits in both the Tory and Labour Parties and names himself Lord Protector.
Whatever crises and scandals swirled around the evil B'Stard, he would always come up smelling of roses. When accused of engaging in sex acts with minors, Alan successfully sued The Times
newspaper; when he plotted to get his hands on the stolen millions of Robert Maxwell
who was hiding in Bosnia
he was hailed as a humanitarian hero. Even when Alan was sentenced to death he managed to escape the noose and retain his position in Parliament. B'Stard's greatest triumph came when he managed to get himself released from incarceration in a Siberian gulag following his assassination attempt on Soviet President Mikhail Gorbachev
and returned to the UK a hero. Having lost his Westminster seat during his forced absence in Russia, Alan manages to procure himself a German seat in the European Union
's parliament as well as getting Piers onto the European Commission
, with the two of them proceeding to cause more havoc on the continent and further enhance Alan's reputation back home.
B'Stard would habitually use others to aid his quest for money and power. Sidney Bliss, the local pub landlord (and a former hangman), was completely in his power in the hope of regaining his position. Many others — old Nazis, Cabinet Ministers and even Salman Rushdie — would regularly pay to buy his silence.
In the stage show it was revealed that Alan had been the architect of New Labour when he realised the Tories were done for (effectively ignoring the last episode of the series), picking a young guitar-playing hippie named Tony Blair
and grooming him to be PM. B'Stard transformed Labour into a second Conservative Party, eradicating socialism and effectively running the country from his palatial office at Number 9 Downing Street. The show saw an older Alan, fabulously rich after orchestrating Black Wednesday
, still up to his old tricks playing America and Al-Qaeda
off each other in the hunt for weapons of mass destruction. By now, Alan is onto his fourth wife (Arrabella Lucretia B'Stard), although the show's first run saw Sarah still firmly in place.
Until very recently Alan wrote a weekly opinion column in the Sunday Telegraph
where he would detail his involvement in current events and even contributed to a Telegraph special of the Blair years where he hinted at being behind the deaths of John Smith
, Mo Mowlam
and Robin Cook
. In the stage show, Alan's involvement in the death of David Kelly was also hinted at.
The newspaper column was written to suggest that the stage show was written by B'Stard himself to communicate his triumphs to the ordinaries. After Gordon Brown
was named as Blair's
successor, B'Stard's final column implied that, bored with the UK and unable to tolerate a Brown premiership, Alan would quit the country to take up a new position as Head of the World Bank, leaving the door open to a potential return. Other columns had implied that Alan had already begun to groom David Cameron
, in preparation for the end of New Labour's era and an electoral return for the Conservatives.
, in his family for generations) through the intervention of his Teddy bear. Even when Piers married the redoubtable Clarissa he remained in B'Stard's power despite occasional flashes of rebellion. It was Piers' intervention in Alan's fake shooting that led to B'Stard being sentenced to death and his ability as a lover that helped persuade Sarah to rescue Piers and abandon Alan in Siberia. Upon Alan's release from the gulag and return to the UK, Piers (tipped to become the next Chancellor of the Exchequer) lived in fear of the vengeful B'Stard. B'Stard exploited this fear to the full and even threatened Piers' new-born baby in order to get him to resign his seat to accommodate Sir Greville. In return however, Alan ensured that Piers rose to become European Commissioner for Internal Relations, but even in this exalted role Alan would hold the reins of power and used Piers' position to expand his fortunes.
(In the first series, Sarah was having a lesbian
affair with Alan's constituency agent and public relations manager, Beatrice Protheroe, whom she had known at school. After that, actress Marsha Fitzalan
asked the screenwriters to take out this aspect of her character and she was instead shown sleeping with other men, which included threesomes.)
By the time of the fourth series, the couple had lapsed into a form of 'psychopathic revenge lust', regularly sleeping together despite attempts to do each other harm. When B'Stard was due to hang, Sarah invited the Minister for Law and Order home for sex rather than to pardon him and gleefully abandoned her husband in the frozen wastes of Siberia 'because [she] could'. Following Sarah and Alan's divorce (a sub-plot of the original stage show), Alan B'Stard's Sunday Telegraph column made reference to her 'coming over all dead'.
Greville can be viewed as an older and more restrained version of B'Stard. Just as quick to make shady money and with somewhat sordid personal tastes but with a stronger respect for Parliamentary institutions and the Conservative Party itself. Greville in fact places the good of the Tory Party far above the good of the country and says as much in the last episode.
By series 3, Greville is Secretary of State for the Environment and has developed a love-hate relationship with B'Stard which eventually evolves into a mutual respect. Series 4 found Greville out of Parliament after the 1992 election when local voters disagreed with his decision to place a nuclear waste plant in the middle of his own constituency. After some persuasion from B'Stard, Greville takes over Piers' seat and becomes Secretary of State for European Affairs, thus ensuring a wealth of opportunities to connive with Alan in Europe. The last episode saw Greville split with Alan and become part of The Progressive Federalists who were soundly thrashed by Alan's New Patriotic Party at the polls.
.
(the character is reputedly modelled on Albert Pierrepoint
), and as such is always encouraging Alan to propose bringing back hanging, in order to get his old job back. Sidney is also neurotic, suffering particularly from a fear of depths. Alan, however, always exploits his power over Sidney, and thus Sidney often acts as Alan's henchman, for example helping him dump nuclear waste in Roland's coal-mine. In the 1990 special, he is a central character when Alan does indeed help re-introduce hanging (though he does it more for personal profit than to help Sidney) and is the executioner who is told to execute Alan. However, his attempt to kill Alan fails.
MP who represents the deprived inner city constituency of Bramall and, like Alan, has a large majority. He is Alan's main antagonist during the first two series and like Alan he is quick to anger. Unlike Alan though he is honest, forthright and does his best by his constituents. Bob worked his way up from working in a car-plant to being a trade union leader and then became an MP. His socialist views contrast somewhat with Alan's far-right views. Alan often outsmarts Bob, knowing that he can antagonise him into taking action that will further Alan's cause. Bob however often accuses Alan of sinister motives to which he sometimes accidentally admits in the house.
and having his suits handmade by British craftsmen. B'Stard's arrogance even extended to stating that there was nothing wrong with the education system that couldn't be put right with £2,500 a term, and that NHS waiting lists could be abolished by shutting down the health service, thereby eradicating poor people and eliminating poverty. B'Stard continued this train of thought through his defection to New Labour when he was instrumental in arranging a postcode lottery for cancer treatment so that "only the right people get better".
Alan at one time proposed inverting the rallying cry of the American War of Independence by stating that "No representation without taxation" was a more fitting clarion call, believing people such as himself (the "enterprising, over-taxed minority") to be called on far too often to bail out other members of society. Alan used the same argument when proposing to cut off all social security payments to elderly people as he believes they should have considered how they would look after themselves instead of wasting their money on "ghastly holidays in Blackpool".
When being interviewed by Brian Walden, Alan readily consented that should he rule the UK, the rich would only pay tax on their cocaine, children would be forced to work in mills and the elderly and infirm would be left to die by the thousands.
comedy series of its day, and developed a strong following: the audience laughter was so loud and persistent that it apparently caused the show to overrun and the writers had to shorten the scripts to compensate. However, it was also regarded as very cruel and irreverent, treating all its subjects with black humour and violent slapstick. Rik Mayall said of the audience reaction he received "In the first series people were saying 'Gosh, isn't Rik Mayall good-looking?' but by the second they were saying 'Gosh, isn't Rik Mayall a good actor?' and that's all I ever really wanted."
The political stereotypes popularised in the sitcom still resonate in the current environment, as shown by a recent jibe that the Labour minister, Ed Balls
, brings to mind B'stard's sidekick, Piers Fletcher-Dervish.
(February 5, 1988) - Not technically an episode of The New Statesman, this was the first annual Red Nose Day telethon held by the Comic Relief charity
. In the final skit
, Alan takes a meeting with Margaret Thatcher
.
tose and fighting for his life in the hospital. The attack has come at a crucial time in the debate over capital punishment
: a vote on its restoration in the House of Commons is imminent and, while bookmaker
s had previously placed the odds of its passage at 100-to-1 against, it is now even money as to whether it will pass. On the day of the vote, the result is a perfect tie
, 305 to 305, and it looks like the bill will fail. But at the last second, none other than Alan himself strides into the room and casts the crucial vote in favour.
In interviews after the vote, Alan claims that his seemingly miraculous recovery is the work of an Amazonian
shaman
, Chief Amlumi, and begins making the rounds of the talk show
s touting his newest charity, Central Amazon Spiritual Healers (He asks for cheques to be "made out to CASH, for short"). He also persuades Parliament to bring back hanging
and public executions and gives Sir Greville, who has been promoted to the newly-created post of Minister for Law and Order, a kickback to gain the contract to construct the new gallows
to be used throughout Britain. Sarah, of course, suspects that Alan has faked the whole thing to make money, and she's right: Alan soon descends on a local bookie to collect on the £10,000 bet he made that capital punishment would be reinstated, placed back when the odds were still 100-to-1 against.
Seeking to expose Alan's fraud and ruin his career, Sarah allies herself with Kerry Grout, a talk show host who exposes Alan's charity fraud during an interview, leading Alan to rashly threaten his life on live TV. That night, Piers, who has joined Sarah after learning that Alan has conned him out a £50,000 donation to the fake charity, sneaks into the office he shares with Alan and discovers the truth: that Alan paid a Basque nationalist
mercenary
to shoot at him with Piers' high-powered rifle
while he was clad in a bulletproof vest. That night, Sarah calls Alan from a phone booth in the House of Commons lobby and lures him away from the office, while Piers and Kerry sneak in to film a piece demonstrating how Alan pulled off the hoax
. During the demonstration, however, Piers accidentally shoots and kills Kerry with the rifle and then jumps out the window and into the Thames
in panic.
An oblivious Alan soon arrives back on the scene and, not noticing Kerry's dead body, picks up the rifle just as a policeman arrives and arrests him for the murder. At his trial, both the policeman and Sarah perjure
themselves, with the policeman claiming that Alan confessed to him and Sarah denying that she ever called Alan to get him out of his office. Alan tries to assert an insanity defense, calling Chief Amlumi to testify that the jungle drugs he used to heal Alan can cause hallucination
s and delusion
s, but the prosecutor exposes Amlumi and his interpreter
as a vaudeville
tomahawk-throwing
act. Piers, who survived his fall by landing on a ship bound for Thailand
, finally arrives and testifies that he is the real killer, but the prosecutor discredits his claims by asking the jury to question whether a barrister
and Member of Parliament could really be that stupid. Alan is convicted and slated to become the first man executed on his own gallows.
Alan's attempts to bribe his way out his sentence prove futile, and he is taken to the gallows to be hanged before a live TV audience. As the trapdoor opens, however, he is saved by his own greed: the subcontractor
he used to build the gallows used balsa wood, rather than the promised mahogany
, and the entire gallows collapses under Alan's weight. This event is taken as an act of God
, and Alan receives a full pardon
from the Crown.
and reveals his vision for 21st century Britain - including a proposal to construct a Berlin Wall
-inspired, thirty-feet high, electrified border control system named, 'B'Stard's Fence'. During the interview, Alan is also tricked into revealing his plans to create his own political party and later pays for Walden's silence.
, installing a failed singer as Prime Minister and secretly running the country from his bunker at number 9 Downing Street. The show sees Alan attempting to settle a divorce from his wife while playing Al-Qaeda and the Americans off each other in the hunt for weapons of mass destruction (which are being carefully hidden by Alan). Aided by his PPS Frank, the last socialist in the Labour Party and Flora, an ex-Young Conservative turned Blairite lackey, Alan arranges the fake kidnapping of Tony Blair and the ruining of Gordon Brown in order to place himself in ultimate power. The show ends with Alan being named Lord Protector with the declaration, "And Alan takes EVERYTHING".
ALAN B'STARD'S EXTREMELY SECRET WEAPON - The stage show returns, heavily re-written in late 2006, touring into 2007. Alan is plotting to become one of a shadowy elite of politicians who control the world's oil supplies.
. B'Stard appears as a party leader in the near future who, at a pre-general election conference, makes ridiculous promises to the public including the abolition of all taxes and free electricity. When his aides query how they will afford such policies, B'Stard gleefully explains that he won't have to, as when he gets elected, he can go into coalition and blame all the government's failings on his partners. He adds that under AV, even if people don't vote for him he'll probably be elected anyway. The advert ends with B'Stard entering Number 10 as Prime Minister, accompanied by another party leader, in a similar fashion to that of Conservative and Liberal Democrat leaders, David Cameron and Nick Clegg, a year earlier. The result of the public referendum
was a resounding "no".
newspaper The Sunday Telegraph ran a weekly opinion column penned by Alan B'Stard himself (in reality his creators, Marks and Gran). In it, Mr B'Stard writes as the founder of New Labour and effective ruler of the country, commenting on the week's events in politics, often referring to his frustrations with Tony and the rest of the cabinet. The column is written to suggest that the stage show is actually written by B'Stard himself as a method of communicating his achievements to 'the ordinaries'. One column mentioned how after Alan's divorce from his wife (a sub-plot of the original stage show), the ex-Mrs B'Stard "came over all dead".
published a "manifesto" as written by B'Stard (though actually written by Maurice Gran).
Conservative Party (UK)
The Conservative Party, formally the Conservative and Unionist Party, is a centre-right political party in the United Kingdom that adheres to the philosophies of conservatism and British unionism. It is the largest political party in the UK, and is currently the largest single party in the House...
government of the time. It was written by Laurence Marks and Maurice Gran
Maurice Gran
Maurice Bernard Gran is one half of writing duo Marks & Gran. He co-wrote popular sitcoms The New Statesman, Birds of a Feather and Goodnight Sweetheart with Laurence Marks. He is also the co-author of Prudence at Number 10, a fictional diary supposedly written by Gordon Brown's P.A.-External links:...
at the request of, and as a starring vehicle for, its principal actor, Rik Mayall
Rik Mayall
Richard Michael "Rik" Mayall is an English comedian, writer, and actor. He is known for his comedy partnership with Ade Edmondson, his over-the-top, energetic portrayal of characters, and as a pioneer of alternative comedy in the early 1980s...
.
The show's theme tune is an arrangement by Alan Hawkshaw
Alan Hawkshaw
Alan Hawkshaw is a British composer and performer, particularly of themes for movies and television programmes...
of part of the Promenade from Pictures at an Exhibition
Pictures at an Exhibition
Pictures at an Exhibition is a suite in ten movements composed for piano by Russian composer Modest Mussorgsky in 1874.The suite is Mussorgsky's most famous piano composition, and has become a showpiece for virtuoso pianists...
by Russian
Russians
The Russian people are an East Slavic ethnic group native to Russia, speaking the Russian language and primarily living in Russia and neighboring countries....
composer Modest Mussorgsky
Modest Mussorgsky
Modest Petrovich Mussorgsky was a Russian composer, one of the group known as 'The Five'. He was an innovator of Russian music in the romantic period...
.
The programme was made by the ITV
ITV
ITV is the major commercial public service TV network in the United Kingdom. Launched in 1955 under the auspices of the Independent Television Authority to provide competition to the BBC, it is also the oldest commercial network in the UK...
franchise Yorkshire Television
Yorkshire Television
Yorkshire Television, now officially known as ITV Yorkshire and sometimes unofficially abbreviated to YTV, is a British television broadcaster and the contractor for the Yorkshire franchise area on the ITV network...
between 1987 and 1992, although the BBC
BBC
The British Broadcasting Corporation is a British public service broadcaster. Its headquarters is at Broadcasting House in the City of Westminster, London. It is the largest broadcaster in the world, with about 23,000 staff...
made two special episodes; one in 1988, the other in 1994.
Cast list
- Rik MayallRik MayallRichard Michael "Rik" Mayall is an English comedian, writer, and actor. He is known for his comedy partnership with Ade Edmondson, his over-the-top, energetic portrayal of characters, and as a pioneer of alternative comedy in the early 1980s...
as Alan B'Stard - Michael TroughtonMichael TroughtonMichael Troughton is an English actor and teacher. He is the son of actor Patrick Troughton and the younger brother of David Troughton....
as Piers Fletcher-Dervish - Marsha FitzalanMarsha FitzalanLady Marcia Mary Josephine Fitzalan-Howard, better known as Marsha Fitzalan is an English actress.-Personal:...
as Sarah B'Stard - Rowena CooperRowena CooperRowena Cooper is an actress who appeared in the last three series of Rumpole of the Bailey as the wife of Chambers Head Sam Ballard; and also appeared in other roles on television. She is married to actor Terrence Hardiman.-Notes:...
as Norman/Norma Bormann (Series 1; she was credited as "R. R. Cooper" in order to keep her gender uncertain) - Charles GrayCharles Gray (actor)Charles Gray was an English actor who was well-known for roles including the arch-villain Blofeld in the James Bond film Diamonds Are Forever, Sherlock Holmes' brother Mycroft Holmes in the Granada television series, and as The Criminologist in the cult classic The Rocky Horror Picture Show in...
as Roland Gidleigh-Park (Series 1) - Vivien Heilbron as Beatrice Protheroe (Series 1)
- Steve NallonSteve NallonSteve Nallon is a British actor, writer and impressionist, best known for impersonating Margaret Thatcher on television throughout her time as British prime minister ....
as Mrs ThatcherMargaret ThatcherMargaret Hilda Thatcher, Baroness Thatcher, was Prime Minister of the United Kingdom from 1979 to 1990...
(Series 1-2) - John NettletonJohn Nettleton (actor)John Nettleton is an English actor.One of his most notable roles was that of Sir Arnold Robinson, the Cabinet Secretary in Yes Minister and President of the Campaign for Freedom of Information in the follow-up Yes, Prime Minister...
as Sir Stephen Baxter (Series 1-2) - Nick Stringer as Bob Crippen (Series 1-2)
- Berwick KalerBerwick KalerBerwick Kaler is a British actor most famous for playing the dame in York Theatre Royal's annual pantomime, which he also writes and directs. He has been awarded the freedom of the city, and in 2002 received an honorary degree from the University of York. Having grown up in "the slums of...
as Geoff Diquead (Series 2) - Terence AlexanderTerence AlexanderTerence Joseph Alexander was an English film and television actor, best known for his role as Charlie Hungerford in the British TV drama Bergerac.-Early life and career:...
as Sir Greville McDonald (Series 2-4) - Brigitte KahnBrigitte KahnBrigitte Kahn is a German-born actress, best remembered for her performances on television.She remains best known for her role as Dagmar in Auf Wiedersehen, Pet. Other TV credits include: Secret Army, The Sandbaggers, The Gentle Touch, The Professionals, C.A.T.S...
as Frau Kleist MEP, who shares Alan's office for most of Series 4. - Peter SallisPeter SallisPeter Sallis, OBE is an English actor and entertainer, well-known for his work on British television. Although he was born and brought up in London, his two most notable roles require him to adopt the accents and mannerisms of a Northerner.Sallis is best known for his role as the main character...
as Sidney Bliss, (played by John NormingtonJohn NormingtonJohn Normington was an English actor who appeared widely on British television from the 1960s until the year of his death. Normington was also a member of the Royal Shakespeare Company performing in more than 20 RSC productions...
in the special Who Shot...) a former hangman and current publican in Alan's constituency
Alan Beresford B'Stard
The main character was a selfish, greedy, dishonest, devious, lecherous, sadistic ultra-right-wing Conservative back bencherBackbencher
In Westminster parliamentary systems, a backbencher is a Member of Parliament or a legislator who does not hold governmental office and is not a Front Bench spokesperson in the Opposition...
. The show was mostly set in B'Stard's antechambers in the Palace of Westminster
Palace of Westminster
The Palace of Westminster, also known as the Houses of Parliament or Westminster Palace, is the meeting place of the two houses of the Parliament of the United Kingdom—the House of Lords and the House of Commons...
and featured Piers Fletcher-Dervish as B'Stard's twittish upper-class sidekick. B'Stard shared a middle name with Norman Tebbit
Norman Tebbit
Norman Beresford Tebbit, Baron Tebbit, CH, PC , is a British politician. A member of the Conservative Party, he served in the Cabinet from 1981 to 1987 as Secretary of State for Employment...
.
B'Stard was MP for the then fictional constituency of Haltemprice. In 1997, re-drawn boundaries led to the constituency of Boothferry in East Yorkshire being re-named "Haltemprice and Howden". This seat's first incumbent was David Davis
David Davis (British politician)
David Michael Davis is a British Conservative Party politician who is the Member of Parliament for the constituency of Haltemprice and Howden...
, a Conservative leadership candidate in 2001 and 2005. Goldsborough Hall
Goldsborough Hall
Goldsborough Hall is a Jacobean stately home located in the village of Goldsborough, North Yorkshire, England. It is a member of the Historic Houses Association...
, near Knaresborough
Knaresborough
Knaresborough is an old and historic market town, spa town and civil parish in the Borough of Harrogate, North Yorkshire, England, located on the River Nidd, four miles east of the centre of Harrogate.-History:...
, was used to portray his Yorkshire country residence and used as a backdrop for the opening photo sequences alone with a few exterior shots in the first season including the scene where he tries to run over the gardener in his Bentley
Bentley
Bentley Motors Limited is a British manufacturer of automobiles founded on 18 January 1919 by Walter Owen Bentley known as W.O. Bentley or just "W O". Bentley had been previously known for his range of rotary aero-engines in World War I, the most famous being the Bentley BR1 as used in later...
. The town of Knaresborough
Knaresborough
Knaresborough is an old and historic market town, spa town and civil parish in the Borough of Harrogate, North Yorkshire, England, located on the River Nidd, four miles east of the centre of Harrogate.-History:...
, North Yorkshire was used to film the opening election sequence in the first episode and roads around Goldsborough
Goldsborough, North Yorkshire
Goldsborough is a village and civil parish in the Harrogate district of North Yorkshire, England. It is situated near the River Nidd and 1 mile east of Knaresborough....
were used to shoot the police car chase from the first series where the policeman's gun backfires. Some city scenes were not filmed in London, but Leeds
Leeds
Leeds is a city and metropolitan borough in West Yorkshire, England. In 2001 Leeds' main urban subdivision had a population of 443,247, while the entire city has a population of 798,800 , making it the 30th-most populous city in the European Union.Leeds is the cultural, financial and commercial...
, with Leeds Town Hall
Leeds Town Hall
Leeds Town Hall was built between 1853 and 1858 on Park Lane , Leeds, West Yorkshire, England to a design by architect Cuthbert Brodrick.-Background:...
used as the High Court.
Alan was the youngest MP
Baby of the House
Baby of the House is the unofficial title given to the youngest member of a parliamentary house. The term is most often applied to members of the British parliament.-Australia:In Australia the term is rarely used...
at the age of 31, and was a distillation of the greed and callousness that were considered the hallmarks of new money Thatcherites. B'Stard was married to the devious Sarah, a vain, bisexual nymphomaniac who wanted nothing more than for Alan to die so she could become a rich widow. The couple cheated on each other in perpetuity but remained in a marriage of convenience; Sarah because of Alan's money and Alan because Sarah's father controlled the local Tory Party and held Alan's seat in his gift.
Alan's schemes grew wilder and more bold as the series progressed taking in bribery, murder and provoking Trade Union disputes to make a profit. Later, B'Stard would intentionally mismanage the Tory election campaign so Labour would be blamed for an economic crisis, stage his own assassination to bring back hanging (and make £1,000,000 in the process). In the last episode he creates splits in both the Tory and Labour Parties and names himself Lord Protector.
Whatever crises and scandals swirled around the evil B'Stard, he would always come up smelling of roses. When accused of engaging in sex acts with minors, Alan successfully sued The Times
The Times
The Times is a British daily national newspaper, first published in London in 1785 under the title The Daily Universal Register . The Times and its sister paper The Sunday Times are published by Times Newspapers Limited, a subsidiary since 1981 of News International...
newspaper; when he plotted to get his hands on the stolen millions of Robert Maxwell
Robert Maxwell
Ian Robert Maxwell MC was a Czechoslovakian-born British media proprietor and former Member of Parliament , who rose from poverty to build an extensive publishing empire...
who was hiding in Bosnia
Bosnia and Herzegovina
Bosnia and Herzegovina , sometimes called Bosnia-Herzegovina or simply Bosnia, is a country in Southern Europe, on the Balkan Peninsula. Bordered by Croatia to the north, west and south, Serbia to the east, and Montenegro to the southeast, Bosnia and Herzegovina is almost landlocked, except for the...
he was hailed as a humanitarian hero. Even when Alan was sentenced to death he managed to escape the noose and retain his position in Parliament. B'Stard's greatest triumph came when he managed to get himself released from incarceration in a Siberian gulag following his assassination attempt on Soviet President Mikhail Gorbachev
Mikhail Gorbachev
Mikhail Sergeyevich Gorbachev is a former Soviet statesman, having served as General Secretary of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union from 1985 until 1991, and as the last head of state of the USSR, having served from 1988 until its dissolution in 1991...
and returned to the UK a hero. Having lost his Westminster seat during his forced absence in Russia, Alan manages to procure himself a German seat in the European Union
European Union
The European Union is an economic and political union of 27 independent member states which are located primarily in Europe. The EU traces its origins from the European Coal and Steel Community and the European Economic Community , formed by six countries in 1958...
's parliament as well as getting Piers onto the European Commission
European Commission
The European Commission is the executive body of the European Union. The body is responsible for proposing legislation, implementing decisions, upholding the Union's treaties and the general day-to-day running of the Union....
, with the two of them proceeding to cause more havoc on the continent and further enhance Alan's reputation back home.
B'Stard would habitually use others to aid his quest for money and power. Sidney Bliss, the local pub landlord (and a former hangman), was completely in his power in the hope of regaining his position. Many others — old Nazis, Cabinet Ministers and even Salman Rushdie — would regularly pay to buy his silence.
In the stage show it was revealed that Alan had been the architect of New Labour when he realised the Tories were done for (effectively ignoring the last episode of the series), picking a young guitar-playing hippie named Tony Blair
Tony Blair
Anthony Charles Lynton Blair is a former British Labour Party politician who served as the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom from 2 May 1997 to 27 June 2007. He was the Member of Parliament for Sedgefield from 1983 to 2007 and Leader of the Labour Party from 1994 to 2007...
and grooming him to be PM. B'Stard transformed Labour into a second Conservative Party, eradicating socialism and effectively running the country from his palatial office at Number 9 Downing Street. The show saw an older Alan, fabulously rich after orchestrating Black Wednesday
Black Wednesday
In politics and economics, Black Wednesday refers to the events of 16 September 1992 when the British Conservative government was forced to withdraw the pound sterling from the European Exchange Rate Mechanism after they were unable to keep it above its agreed lower limit...
, still up to his old tricks playing America and Al-Qaeda
Al-Qaeda
Al-Qaeda is a global broad-based militant Islamist terrorist organization founded by Osama bin Laden sometime between August 1988 and late 1989. It operates as a network comprising both a multinational, stateless army and a radical Sunni Muslim movement calling for global Jihad...
off each other in the hunt for weapons of mass destruction. By now, Alan is onto his fourth wife (Arrabella Lucretia B'Stard), although the show's first run saw Sarah still firmly in place.
Until very recently Alan wrote a weekly opinion column in the Sunday Telegraph
Sunday Telegraph
The Sunday Telegraph is a British broadsheet newspaper, founded in February 1961. It is the sister paper of The Daily Telegraph, but is run separately with a different editorial staff, although there is some cross-usage of stories...
where he would detail his involvement in current events and even contributed to a Telegraph special of the Blair years where he hinted at being behind the deaths of John Smith
John Smith (UK politician)
John Smith was a British Labour Party politician who served as Leader of the Labour Party from July 1992 until his sudden death from a heart attack in May 1994...
, Mo Mowlam
Mo Mowlam
Marjorie "Mo" Mowlam was a British Labour Party politician. She was the Member of Parliament for Redcar from 1987 to 2001 and served in the Cabinet as Secretary of State for Northern Ireland, Minister for the Cabinet Office and Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster.Mowlam's time as Northern...
and Robin Cook
Robin Cook
Robert Finlayson Cook was a British Labour Party politician, who was the Member of Parliament for Livingston from 1983 until his death, and notably served in the Cabinet as Foreign Secretary from 1997 to 2001....
. In the stage show, Alan's involvement in the death of David Kelly was also hinted at.
The newspaper column was written to suggest that the stage show was written by B'Stard himself to communicate his triumphs to the ordinaries. After Gordon Brown
Gordon Brown
James Gordon Brown is a British Labour Party politician who was the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom and Leader of the Labour Party from 2007 until 2010. He previously served as Chancellor of the Exchequer in the Labour Government from 1997 to 2007...
was named as Blair's
Tony Blair
Anthony Charles Lynton Blair is a former British Labour Party politician who served as the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom from 2 May 1997 to 27 June 2007. He was the Member of Parliament for Sedgefield from 1983 to 2007 and Leader of the Labour Party from 1994 to 2007...
successor, B'Stard's final column implied that, bored with the UK and unable to tolerate a Brown premiership, Alan would quit the country to take up a new position as Head of the World Bank, leaving the door open to a potential return. Other columns had implied that Alan had already begun to groom David Cameron
David Cameron
David William Donald Cameron is the current Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, First Lord of the Treasury, Minister for the Civil Service and Leader of the Conservative Party. Cameron represents Witney as its Member of Parliament ....
, in preparation for the end of New Labour's era and an electoral return for the Conservatives.
Sir Piers Fletcher-Dervish, Baronet
B'Stard's sidekick in his machinations was the upper-class and old school (but incredibly dim-witted) Tory, Piers. Piers was essentially a very kind-hearted and hard-working MP, albeit one who rarely spoke in the house and was completely under Alan's control. Usually Piers was conned into Alan's schemes through trickery or bullying although he would inevitably cock up the simplest of instructions. It was even claimed that Piers only became a Barrister at Law and MP (for the Wiltshire seat of DevizesDevizes (UK Parliament constituency)
Devizes is a parliamentary constituency in Wiltshire, England, which is now represented in the House of Commons of the Parliament of the United Kingdom, and before 1707 in the House of Commons of England....
, in his family for generations) through the intervention of his Teddy bear. Even when Piers married the redoubtable Clarissa he remained in B'Stard's power despite occasional flashes of rebellion. It was Piers' intervention in Alan's fake shooting that led to B'Stard being sentenced to death and his ability as a lover that helped persuade Sarah to rescue Piers and abandon Alan in Siberia. Upon Alan's release from the gulag and return to the UK, Piers (tipped to become the next Chancellor of the Exchequer) lived in fear of the vengeful B'Stard. B'Stard exploited this fear to the full and even threatened Piers' new-born baby in order to get him to resign his seat to accommodate Sir Greville. In return however, Alan ensured that Piers rose to become European Commissioner for Internal Relations, but even in this exalted role Alan would hold the reins of power and used Piers' position to expand his fortunes.
Sarah B'Stard
Alan's vengeful, bisexual wife who equalled Alan in his capacity for adultery and deviousness. Sarah originally remained married to Alan purely for money but their relationship evolved as the series progressed. Though their hatred was always mutual, the dynamic in the couple's sexual relationship would often shift and change. In the first series Sarah could not contemplate sleeping with B'Stard although in the second it was Alan who tried to fight off his wife's attentions.(In the first series, Sarah was having a lesbian
Lesbian
Lesbian is a term most widely used in the English language to describe sexual and romantic desire between females. The word may be used as a noun, to refer to women who identify themselves or who are characterized by others as having the primary attribute of female homosexuality, or as an...
affair with Alan's constituency agent and public relations manager, Beatrice Protheroe, whom she had known at school. After that, actress Marsha Fitzalan
Marsha Fitzalan
Lady Marcia Mary Josephine Fitzalan-Howard, better known as Marsha Fitzalan is an English actress.-Personal:...
asked the screenwriters to take out this aspect of her character and she was instead shown sleeping with other men, which included threesomes.)
By the time of the fourth series, the couple had lapsed into a form of 'psychopathic revenge lust', regularly sleeping together despite attempts to do each other harm. When B'Stard was due to hang, Sarah invited the Minister for Law and Order home for sex rather than to pardon him and gleefully abandoned her husband in the frozen wastes of Siberia 'because [she] could'. Following Sarah and Alan's divorce (a sub-plot of the original stage show), Alan B'Stard's Sunday Telegraph column made reference to her 'coming over all dead'.
Sir Greville McDonald
Sir Greville was introduced in the final episode of series 2, portrayed as a corrupt Cabinet Minister who recruited an unwitting Piers as Junior Minister for Housing in order to 'nod through' some of his shadier housing projects. Sir Greville had his first dealings with B'Stard in this episode who implied he would expose him unless he agreed a similar arrangement for B'Stard, and thus became a suspect for the audience in Alan's shooting at the episode's climax. By the time of Alan's 'Miraculous recovery', Sir Greville had been promoted by Thatcher to Minister for Law and Order and negotiated with Alan for the return of the gallows (earning himself a finder's fee of £50,000). Sir Greville found it particularly amusing when B'Stard was sentenced to death and in fact spent the night of Alan's planned execution with the condemned man's wife.Greville can be viewed as an older and more restrained version of B'Stard. Just as quick to make shady money and with somewhat sordid personal tastes but with a stronger respect for Parliamentary institutions and the Conservative Party itself. Greville in fact places the good of the Tory Party far above the good of the country and says as much in the last episode.
By series 3, Greville is Secretary of State for the Environment and has developed a love-hate relationship with B'Stard which eventually evolves into a mutual respect. Series 4 found Greville out of Parliament after the 1992 election when local voters disagreed with his decision to place a nuclear waste plant in the middle of his own constituency. After some persuasion from B'Stard, Greville takes over Piers' seat and becomes Secretary of State for European Affairs, thus ensuring a wealth of opportunities to connive with Alan in Europe. The last episode saw Greville split with Alan and become part of The Progressive Federalists who were soundly thrashed by Alan's New Patriotic Party at the polls.
Sir Stephen Baxter
An elderly backbench Conservative MP who shared the office with Alan and Piers during the first two series. Sir Stephen's morally uptight old-school attitude and respect for Parliamentary protocal meant that he contrasted sharply with the self-centred Alan and the clueless Piers, serving as further comic foil to bounce the two of them off. Despite being in Parliament for a very long time he has been resigned to the backbenches for many years after taking the fall in a scandal involving another minister who would go on to become Secretary of State for Wales. Alan has little respect for him and is more than willing to exploit Sir Stephen's helpful and professional nature for his own ends, including plagiarising one of Sir Stephen's speeches in the Commons in order to ensure that Alan's Private Member's Bill on arming the police would pass into law. He is last seen in Series 2 when, having already been alienated by the introduction of TV cameras and film crews into the House of Commons, Sir Stephen witnesses Piers inflating an blow-up Alan B'Stard doll in a suggestive manner. Sir Stephen gives Piers a stern telling-off before declaring that he "might as well accept that peerage" and then leaves the office, suggesting that he moved up to the House of LordsHouse of Lords
The House of Lords is the upper house of the Parliament of the United Kingdom. Like the House of Commons, it meets in the Palace of Westminster....
.
Roland Gidleigh-Park
Roland was Alan's despicable father-in-Law with whom B'Stard had to curry favour if he wanted to retain his seat due to Roland controlling the local Conservative Party. In some ways similar to Sir Greville, Roland is a much older but equally nasty version of B'Stard, albeit with an apparently genuine interest in the constituency. On several occasions, Roland threatens to have Alan de-selected due to the absolute lack of interest B'Stard displays in Haltemprice. Roland chastises B'Stard for not holding surgeries, not asking questions in the House and taking no interest in local industry and claims his control over the local Party is a perfect miniature of Thatcher's Cabinet and gives him the power to wreck B'Stard's career. Despite these seemingly genuine concerns for his locality, Roland on many occasions demonstrates his thorough nastiness. It is revealed that as the young Master of Ingleborough Colliery in 1926, he was prepared to use mustard gas on his workers to stave off the threat of revolution then dumped the gas under a primary school. He was even prepared to let B'Stard dump nuclear waste in the same location for the right price. Roland is particularly unpleasant towards the French (which he puts down to an unpleasant experience with a French woman called Giselle in 1940, the last time he touched anything French) and swears he will never use words again if he discovers them to have French origin. Roland also reveals his sinister nature by stating he turned down the chance to have Leon Brittan as MP for Haltemprice due to him being Jewish, and Sarah later reveals that he knew Hitler socially although they never discussed politics. Roland is seen in only series 1 but after Alan's shooting Sarah is seen on the phone to her father, the two of them asking each other if they were responsible for the crime.Norman/Norma Bormann
Norman Bormann is Alan's accountant and personal confidante during the first series. He was on the run from the authorities who suspected him of dubious financial practices and was therefore forced to conduct his shady business with Alan in rather unconventional venues including an abandoned railway wagon and the back of an ambulance. Over the course of series 1 Norman gradually undergoes sex-change treatment in order to become a woman and 'kill [Norman Bormann] off', charging Alan through the nose for his help in order to finance it. By the end of the series the change is virtually complete (up until the last episode he/she was still sporting a full mustache) but he/she still does the odd favour for Alan, including seducing the Secretary of State for Wales (while he was still technically a man) and posing as Alan's wife during dinner with an American fast-food tycoon. The new Norman is not seen again after the first series.Sidney Bliss
Sidney is an elderly publican in Alan's Yorkshire constituency. He was once, however, Britain's last hangmanExecutioner
A judicial executioner is a person who carries out a death sentence ordered by the state or other legal authority, which was known in feudal terminology as high justice.-Scope and job:...
(the character is reputedly modelled on Albert Pierrepoint
Albert Pierrepoint
Albert Pierrepoint is the most famous member of the family which provided three of the United Kingdom's official hangmen in the first half of the 20th century...
), and as such is always encouraging Alan to propose bringing back hanging, in order to get his old job back. Sidney is also neurotic, suffering particularly from a fear of depths. Alan, however, always exploits his power over Sidney, and thus Sidney often acts as Alan's henchman, for example helping him dump nuclear waste in Roland's coal-mine. In the 1990 special, he is a central character when Alan does indeed help re-introduce hanging (though he does it more for personal profit than to help Sidney) and is the executioner who is told to execute Alan. However, his attempt to kill Alan fails.
Bob Crippen
Bob Crippen is a LabourLabour Party (UK)
The Labour Party is a centre-left democratic socialist party in the United Kingdom. It surpassed the Liberal Party in general elections during the early 1920s, forming minority governments under Ramsay MacDonald in 1924 and 1929-1931. The party was in a wartime coalition from 1940 to 1945, after...
MP who represents the deprived inner city constituency of Bramall and, like Alan, has a large majority. He is Alan's main antagonist during the first two series and like Alan he is quick to anger. Unlike Alan though he is honest, forthright and does his best by his constituents. Bob worked his way up from working in a car-plant to being a trade union leader and then became an MP. His socialist views contrast somewhat with Alan's far-right views. Alan often outsmarts Bob, knowing that he can antagonise him into taking action that will further Alan's cause. Bob however often accuses Alan of sinister motives to which he sometimes accidentally admits in the house.
Political ideals
Over the course of the series, stage shows and newspaper columns, Alan opined on numerous topics, most of which demonstrated his contempt for the working class and indeed anyone not of the political and financial elite (the ordinaries). During an argument with a constituent, B'Stard declared that he believed he was helping British industry by driving a BentleyBentley
Bentley Motors Limited is a British manufacturer of automobiles founded on 18 January 1919 by Walter Owen Bentley known as W.O. Bentley or just "W O". Bentley had been previously known for his range of rotary aero-engines in World War I, the most famous being the Bentley BR1 as used in later...
and having his suits handmade by British craftsmen. B'Stard's arrogance even extended to stating that there was nothing wrong with the education system that couldn't be put right with £2,500 a term, and that NHS waiting lists could be abolished by shutting down the health service, thereby eradicating poor people and eliminating poverty. B'Stard continued this train of thought through his defection to New Labour when he was instrumental in arranging a postcode lottery for cancer treatment so that "only the right people get better".
Alan at one time proposed inverting the rallying cry of the American War of Independence by stating that "No representation without taxation" was a more fitting clarion call, believing people such as himself (the "enterprising, over-taxed minority") to be called on far too often to bail out other members of society. Alan used the same argument when proposing to cut off all social security payments to elderly people as he believes they should have considered how they would look after themselves instead of wasting their money on "ghastly holidays in Blackpool".
When being interviewed by Brian Walden, Alan readily consented that should he rule the UK, the rich would only pay tax on their cocaine, children would be forced to work in mills and the elderly and infirm would be left to die by the thousands.
Audience reaction
The sitcom was one of the most critically successful ITVITV
ITV is the major commercial public service TV network in the United Kingdom. Launched in 1955 under the auspices of the Independent Television Authority to provide competition to the BBC, it is also the oldest commercial network in the UK...
comedy series of its day, and developed a strong following: the audience laughter was so loud and persistent that it apparently caused the show to overrun and the writers had to shorten the scripts to compensate. However, it was also regarded as very cruel and irreverent, treating all its subjects with black humour and violent slapstick. Rik Mayall said of the audience reaction he received "In the first series people were saying 'Gosh, isn't Rik Mayall good-looking?' but by the second they were saying 'Gosh, isn't Rik Mayall a good actor?' and that's all I ever really wanted."
The political stereotypes popularised in the sitcom still resonate in the current environment, as shown by a recent jibe that the Labour minister, Ed Balls
Ed Balls
Edward Michael Balls, known as Ed Balls, is a British Labour politician, who has been a Member of Parliament since 2005, currently for Morley and Outwood, and is the current Shadow Chancellor of the Exchequer....
, brings to mind B'stard's sidekick, Piers Fletcher-Dervish.
Series 1
- Happiness is A Warm Gun (September 13, 1987) - Alan B'Stard, a deceitful, lecherous, and brutal yuppieYuppieYuppie is a term that refers to a member of the upper middle class or upper class in their 20s or 30s. It first came into use in the early-1980s and largely faded from American popular culture in the late-1980s, due to the 1987 stock market crash and the early 1990s recession...
who has made his fortune via a variety of shady deals and frauds, is elected as the ConservativeConservative Party (UK)The Conservative Party, formally the Conservative and Unionist Party, is a centre-right political party in the United Kingdom that adheres to the philosophies of conservatism and British unionism. It is the largest political party in the UK, and is currently the largest single party in the House...
MP for the constituency of HaltempriceHaltempricethumb|right|200px|Obsolete Arms of the Former Haltemprice Urban District CouncilHaltemprice is an area in the East Riding of Yorkshire, England, directly to the west of Hull. It comprises the villages, Anlaby, Cottingham, Hessle, Kirk Ella, Skidby, West Ella and Willerby...
in YorkshireYorkshireYorkshire is a historic county of northern England and the largest in the United Kingdom. Because of its great size in comparison to other English counties, functions have been increasingly undertaken over time by its subdivisions, which have also been subject to periodic reform...
, after having the brakeBrakeA brake is a mechanical device which inhibits motion. Its opposite component is a clutch. The rest of this article is dedicated to various types of vehicular brakes....
lines cut on the cars of his LabourLabour Party (UK)The Labour Party is a centre-left democratic socialist party in the United Kingdom. It surpassed the Liberal Party in general elections during the early 1920s, forming minority governments under Ramsay MacDonald in 1924 and 1929-1931. The party was in a wartime coalition from 1940 to 1945, after...
and SDPSocial Democratic Party (UK)The Social Democratic Party was a political party in the United Kingdom that was created on 26 March 1981 and existed until 1988. It was founded by four senior Labour Party 'moderates', dubbed the 'Gang of Four': Roy Jenkins, David Owen, Bill Rodgers and Shirley Williams...
opponents on the eve of the election, putting them on life supportLife supportLife support, in medicine is a broad term that applies to any therapy used to sustain a patient's life while they are critically ill or injured. There are many therapies and techniques that may be used by clinicians to achieve the goal of sustaining life...
and giving him "the largest majority in Parliament." However, Sir Malachi Jericho, the local Chief ConstableChief ConstableChief constable is the rank used by the chief police officer of every territorial police force in the United Kingdom except for the City of London Police and the Metropolitan Police, as well as the chief officers of the three 'special' national police forces, the British Transport Police, Ministry...
, has uncovered evidence proving Alan's complicity in the crime, and uses it to blackmailBlackmailIn common usage, blackmail is a crime involving threats to reveal substantially true or false information about a person to the public, a family member, or associates unless a demand is met. It may be defined as coercion involving threats of physical harm, threat of criminal prosecution, or threats...
Alan into introducing a private member's billPrivate Member's BillA member of parliament’s legislative motion, called a private member's bill or a member's bill in some parliaments, is a proposed law introduced by a member of a legislature. In most countries with a parliamentary system, most bills are proposed by the government, not by individual members of the...
to allow policemen to carry handgunHandgunA handgun is a firearm designed to be held and operated by one hand. This characteristic differentiates handguns as a general class of firearms from long guns such as rifles and shotguns ....
s. Amazingly, the bill passes, but Jericho is not done: he reveals that he is a religious fanaticFanaticismFanaticism is a belief or behavior involving uncritical zeal, particularly for an extreme religious or political cause or in some cases sports, or with an obsessive enthusiasm for a pastime or hobby...
and schizophrenicSchizophreniaSchizophrenia is a mental disorder characterized by a disintegration of thought processes and of emotional responsiveness. It most commonly manifests itself as auditory hallucinations, paranoid or bizarre delusions, or disorganized speech and thinking, and it is accompanied by significant social...
who speaks to JesusJesusJesus of Nazareth , commonly referred to as Jesus Christ or simply as Jesus or Christ, is the central figure of Christianity...
on a regular basis, and states that he will continue to force Alan to do "God's will." Alan responds by duping Jericho into thinking that the BishopBishopA bishop is an ordained or consecrated member of the Christian clergy who is generally entrusted with a position of authority and oversight. Within the Catholic Church, Eastern Orthodox, Oriental Orthodox Churches, in the Assyrian Church of the East, in the Independent Catholic Churches, and in the...
of Haltemprice, a member of the House of LordsHouse of LordsThe House of Lords is the upper house of the Parliament of the United Kingdom. Like the House of Commons, it meets in the Palace of Westminster....
and an opponent of Alan's gun bill, is the AntichristAntichristThe term or title antichrist, in Christian theology, refers to a leader who fulfills Biblical prophecies concerning an adversary of Christ, while resembling him in a deceptive manner...
. When Jericho hands over his dirt in gratitude and goes to kill the Bishop, Alan has him arrested and forced out of office. The episode ends with Alan making a fortune supplying the Yorkshire police with handguns, which are actually defective knockoffs purchased for £10 apiece. - Passport to Freedom (September 20, 1987) - When Alan's wife, Sarah, announces that she has inherited 200,000 sharesShare (finance)A joint stock company divides its capital into units of equal denomination. Each unit is called a share. These units are offered for sale to raise capital. This is termed as issuing shares. A person who buys share/shares of the company is called a shareholder, and by acquiring share or shares in...
of Ocelot Motors, a wildly successful local automobile manufacturerAutomotive industryThe automotive industry designs, develops, manufactures, markets, and sells motor vehicles, and is one of the world's most important economic sectors by revenue....
, and now plans to divorce him, Alan is panic-stricken. He doesn't particularly like her, but her father, Roland Gidleigh-Park, is chairman of the local Conservatives, and can have him deselectedPreselectionPreselection is the process by which a candidate is selected, usually by a political party, to contest an election for political office. It is also referred to as candidate selection. It is a fundamental function of political parties...
as the party's candidate on a whim. Seeking to see Ocelot bankruptedBankruptcyBankruptcy is a legal status of an insolvent person or an organisation, that is, one that cannot repay the debts owed to creditors. In most jurisdictions bankruptcy is imposed by a court order, often initiated by the debtor....
so that she will have no choice but to stay with him, he sneaks into Margaret ThatcherMargaret ThatcherMargaret Hilda Thatcher, Baroness Thatcher, was Prime Minister of the United Kingdom from 1979 to 1990...
's office, steals a few pages of her personal notepaper, and forgesForgeryForgery is the process of making, adapting, or imitating objects, statistics, or documents with the intent to deceive. Copies, studio replicas, and reproductions are not considered forgeries, though they may later become forgeries through knowing and willful misrepresentations. Forging money or...
a letter from her to the chairman of Ocelot authorising them to de-unioniseTrade unionA trade union, trades union or labor union is an organization of workers that have banded together to achieve common goals such as better working conditions. The trade union, through its leadership, bargains with the employer on behalf of union members and negotiates labour contracts with...
their workforce and begin cutting wageWageA wage is a compensation, usually financial, received by workers in exchange for their labor.Compensation in terms of wages is given to workers and compensation in terms of salary is given to employees...
s substantially. He then leaks the letter to Bob Crippen, a socialistSocialismSocialism is an economic system characterized by social ownership of the means of production and cooperative management of the economy; or a political philosophy advocating such a system. "Social ownership" may refer to any one of, or a combination of, the following: cooperative enterprises,...
Labour MP and leader of the autoworkers union. When Crippen reveals the letter on the floor of the House of Commons, Alan goads him into calling a strikeStrike actionStrike action, also called labour strike, on strike, greve , or simply strike, is a work stoppage caused by the mass refusal of employees to work. A strike usually takes place in response to employee grievances. Strikes became important during the industrial revolution, when mass labour became...
. Ocelot's share price collapses and the company is forced to file for bankruptcy, and Alan's marriage (such as it is) is saved. - Sex is Wrong (September 27, 1987) - Piers Fletcher-Dervish, Alan's aristocraticAristocracyAristocracy , is a form of government in which a few elite citizens rule. The term derives from the Greek aristokratia, meaning "rule of the best". In origin in Ancient Greece, it was conceived of as rule by the best qualified citizens, and contrasted with monarchy...
and mentally challengedMental retardationMental retardation is a generalized disorder appearing before adulthood, characterized by significantly impaired cognitive functioning and deficits in two or more adaptive behaviors...
officemate, joins the Campaign for Moral Regeneration, a group dedicated to battling pornographyPornographyPornography or porn is the explicit portrayal of sexual subject matter for the purposes of sexual arousal and erotic satisfaction.Pornography may use any of a variety of media, ranging from books, magazines, postcards, photos, sculpture, drawing, painting, animation, sound recording, film, video,...
, but Alan (who proclaims himself a libertarianLibertarianismLibertarianism, in the strictest sense, is the political philosophy that holds individual liberty as the basic moral principle of society. In the broadest sense, it is any political philosophy which approximates this view...
on the subject) is uninterested in joining, until Piers tells him that they regularly view samples of the material they are fighting. After the first meeting, Alan steals a sheaf of particularly outlandish photographs and returns to his office, where he takes a meeting with Lady Virginia, an irrationally prudishPrudeA prude is a person who is described as being concerned with decorum or propriety, significantly in excess of normal prevailing community standards...
aristocrat who has written a pamphletPamphletA pamphlet is an unbound booklet . It may consist of a single sheet of paper that is printed on both sides and folded in half, in thirds, or in fourths , or it may consist of a few pages that are folded in half and saddle stapled at the crease to make a simple book...
entitled "Sex is Wrong". Learning that she will be forced to skip the upcoming Tory party conferenceParty conferenceThe terms party conference , political convention , and party congress usually refer to a general meeting of a political party. The conference is attended by certain delegates who represent the party membership...
, and seeing an opportunity to make some money and embarrass the CMR, he convinces her that he can get the pamphlet published, cons her into writing him a check, and then arranges to have it printed up by a pornographic book publisher, complete with full-color illustrations (the same ones he stole from the meeting). At the party conference, however, he learns that Lady Virginia has decided to attend after all, and when she discovers what he has done, she threatens to tell Margaret Thatcher. In a panic, Alan delivers a rousing speech to the conference extolling the book as a guide to resisting the evils of immorality, complete with illustrations of what to resist. The book sells out almost immediately, and Alan turns a huge profit. Later that evening, at his hotel roomHotel RoomHotel Room is a three episode 1993 HBO television series produced by David Lynch . Each drama takes place in the same New York City hotel room at different times .Barry Gifford wrote, and David Lynch directed, the first and third episodes; Jay McInerney wrote, and James Signorelli...
, Lady Virginia arrives to tell him that after his speech, she has begun having feelings she has never had before... - Waste Not, Want Not (October 4, 1987) - One of Alan's old moneymaking schemes comes back to haunt him when Norman, his transsexualTranssexualismTranssexualism is an individual's identification with a gender inconsistent or not culturally associated with their biological sex. Simply put, it defines a person whose biological birth sex conflicts with their psychological gender...
accountantAccountantAn accountant is a practitioner of accountancy or accounting , which is the measurement, disclosure or provision of assurance about financial information that helps managers, investors, tax authorities and others make decisions about allocating resources.The Big Four auditors are the largest...
, tells him that the depot in HullKingston upon HullKingston upon Hull , usually referred to as Hull, is a city and unitary authority area in the ceremonial county of the East Riding of Yorkshire, England. It stands on the River Hull at its junction with the Humber estuary, 25 miles inland from the North Sea. Hull has a resident population of...
where he left a shipment of ArgentineArgentinaArgentina , officially the Argentine Republic , is the second largest country in South America by land area, after Brazil. It is constituted as a federation of 23 provinces and an autonomous city, Buenos Aires...
nuclear wasteRadioactive wasteRadioactive wastes are wastes that contain radioactive material. Radioactive wastes are usually by-products of nuclear power generation and other applications of nuclear fission or nuclear technology, such as research and medicine...
he was hired to dispose of is scheduled for demolitionDemolitionDemolition is the tearing-down of buildings and other structures, the opposite of construction. Demolition contrasts with deconstruction, which involves taking a building apart while carefully preserving valuable elements for re-use....
. Learning that there is a coal mineCoal miningThe goal of coal mining is to obtain coal from the ground. Coal is valued for its energy content, and since the 1880s has been widely used to generate electricity. Steel and cement industries use coal as a fuel for extraction of iron from iron ore and for cement production. In the United States,...
in his constituency that was abandoned for unknown reasons after the general strike of 19261926 United Kingdom general strikeThe 1926 general strike in the United Kingdom was a general strike that lasted nine days, from 4 May 1926 to 13 May 1926. It was called by the general council of the Trades Union Congress in an unsuccessful attempt to force the British government to act to prevent wage reduction and worsening...
, Alan decides to dump the waste there, but the mine's owner, his own father-in-law Roland, refuses to disclose its location. Norman finds it using an old map, but refuses to help Alan dump the waste there when he learns that the mine now runs under a primary school. Sidney Bliss, a local pub owner and former hangman who occasionally does Alan's dirty work, also refuses to help due to his claustrophobiaClaustrophobiaClaustrophobia is the fear of having no escape and being closed in small spaces or rooms...
, and Alan is left to dispose of the waste himself. When he does, he discovers why the mine was closed: fearing a communistCommunismCommunism is a social, political and economic ideology that aims at the establishment of a classless, moneyless, revolutionary and stateless socialist society structured upon common ownership of the means of production...
revolutionRevolutionA revolution is a fundamental change in power or organizational structures that takes place in a relatively short period of time.Aristotle described two types of political revolution:...
during the strike, Roland used it to store several tons of mustard gasSulfur mustardThe sulfur mustards, or sulphur mustards, commonly known as mustard gas, are a class of related cytotoxic, vesicant chemical warfare agents with the ability to form large blisters on exposed skin. Pure sulfur mustards are colorless, viscous liquids at room temperature...
, which has been there ever since. Roland offers to let Alan store his waste elsewhere, in a disused quarryQuarryA quarry is a type of open-pit mine from which rock or minerals are extracted. Quarries are generally used for extracting building materials, such as dimension stone, construction aggregate, riprap, sand, and gravel. They are often collocated with concrete and asphalt plants due to the requirement...
he owns, but says he will charge Alan through the nose for it. - Friends of St. James (October 11, 1987) - Alan is invited to give the commencement speechCommencement speechA commencement speech or commencement address is a speech given to graduating students, generally at a university, although the term is also used for secondary education institutions. The "commencement" is a ceremony in which degrees or diplomas are conferred upon graduating students...
at his alma materAlma materAlma mater , pronounced ), was used in ancient Rome as a title for various mother goddesses, especially Ceres or Cybele, and in Christianity for the Virgin Mary.-General term:...
, and while there encounters his former classmate Lance Okum-Martin, who tells him that he is now President for LifePresident for LifePresident for Life is a title assumed by some dictators to remove their term limit, in the hope that their authority, legitimacy, and term will never be disputed....
of the tropical Republic of St. James. After sampling some of St. James' "special tobacco," Alan delivers a speech calling for the abolition of the National Health ServiceNational Health ServiceThe National Health Service is the shared name of three of the four publicly funded healthcare systems in the United Kingdom. They provide a comprehensive range of health services, the vast majority of which are free at the point of use to residents of the United Kingdom...
and the alleviation of povertyPovertyPoverty is the lack of a certain amount of material possessions or money. Absolute poverty or destitution is inability to afford basic human needs, which commonly includes clean and fresh water, nutrition, health care, education, clothing and shelter. About 1.7 billion people are estimated to live...
by the eradication of poor people. Later, he meets with Norman, who comes up with a new scheme: Alan will get Lance to let him open an offshore bankOffshore bankAn offshore bank is a bank located outside the country of residence of the depositor, typically in a low tax jurisdiction that provides financial and legal advantages. These advantages typically include:...
on St. James which will be totally anonymousBank secrecyBank secrecy is a legal principle in some jurisdictions under which banks are not allowed to provide to authorities personal and account information about their customers unless certain conditions apply...
, offer obscenely high interest rateInterest rateAn interest rate is the rate at which interest is paid by a borrower for the use of money that they borrow from a lender. For example, a small company borrows capital from a bank to buy new assets for their business, and in return the lender receives interest at a predetermined interest rate for...
s to depositors, and be tax-freeTax havenA tax haven is a state or a country or territory where certain taxes are levied at a low rate or not at all while offering due process, good governance and a low corruption rate....
. Once a sufficient number of deposits are made, the bank will go out of business and Alan will pocket the money. Alan immediately gathers a group of his fellow MPs who agree to become the bank's first depositors, and charters a flight to St. James. As the plane circles above the island, however, Alan learns that the nation's president is actually Lewis Okum-Martin. Lance is his grandson, a con manConfidence trickA confidence trick is an attempt to defraud a person or group by gaining their confidence. A confidence artist is an individual working alone or in concert with others who exploits characteristics of the human psyche such as dishonesty and honesty, vanity, compassion, credulity, irresponsibility,...
who just wanted to get Alan high and steal his money. Desperate, Alan forces Piers to join him in posing as a pair of skyjackersAircraft hijackingAircraft hijacking is the unlawful seizure of an aircraft by an individual or a group. In most cases, the pilot is forced to fly according to the orders of the hijackers. Occasionally, however, the hijackers have flown the aircraft themselves, such as the September 11 attacks of 2001...
, who steal the cashier's checkCashier's checkA cashier's check is a check guaranteed by a bank. They are treated as guaranteed funds and are usually cleared the next day. It is the customer's right to request "next-day availability" when depositing a cashier's check in person...
s the MPs were taking to deposit and then "escape" via parachuteParachuteA parachute is a device used to slow the motion of an object through an atmosphere by creating drag, or in the case of ram-air parachutes, aerodynamic lift. Parachutes are usually made out of light, strong cloth, originally silk, now most commonly nylon...
. After giving the pilotAviatorAn aviator is a person who flies an aircraft. The first recorded use of the term was in 1887, as a variation of 'aviation', from the Latin avis , coined in 1863 by G. de la Landelle in Aviation Ou Navigation Aérienne...
half of the loot to buy his silence, Alan manages to clear a slight profit from the venture. - Three Line Whipping (October 18, 1987) - Alan spends the night at a famed local brothelBrothelBrothels are business establishments where patrons can engage in sexual activities with prostitutes. Brothels are known under a variety of names, including bordello, cathouse, knocking shop, whorehouse, strumpet house, sporting house, house of ill repute, house of prostitution, and bawdy house...
where he enjoys some BDSMBDSMBDSM is an erotic preference and a form of sexual expression involving the consensual use of restraint, intense sensory stimulation, and fantasy power role-play. The compound acronym BDSM is derived from the terms bondage and discipline , dominance and submission , and sadism and masochism...
, and an aborted police raid nearly makes him late for a morning television interview. As the interview begins, he discovers that the subject is an important by-electionBy-electionA by-election is an election held to fill a political office that has become vacant between regularly scheduled elections....
that happened the night before, and he has no idea what the result was. Humiliated on live TV, Alan takes out his anger on a cabbieTaxicabA taxicab, also taxi or cab, is a type of vehicle for hire with a driver, used by a single passenger or small group of passengers, often for a non-shared ride. A taxicab conveys passengers between locations of their choice...
who was taunting him, seemingly killing him. Desperate to hide the body, Alan stows it in the back of the cab and drives to his office, where Piers refuses to drive it into the country and set it on fire. Intending to do it himself, Alan gets lost and encounters Margaret Thatcher and the Tories' Chief WhipChief WhipThe Chief Whip is a political office in some legislatures assigned to an elected member whose task is to administer the whipping system that ensures that members of the party attend and vote as the party leadership desires.-The Whips Office:...
, whose car has broken down. Masquerading as a working classWorking classWorking class is a term used in the social sciences and in ordinary conversation to describe those employed in lower tier jobs , often extending to those in unemployment or otherwise possessing below-average incomes...
Labourite, Alan interrupts their conversation about how to punish him for his TV gaffe to tell them how much he and all his friends like "that B'Stard bloke." After dropping them off, he struggles to find a spot to dump the cab, eventually crashing it and discovering that the cabbie is not dead, but merely unconscious. When the police arrive, he convinces them that the cabbie went berserk and kidnappedKidnappingIn criminal law, kidnapping is the taking away or transportation of a person against that person's will, usually to hold the person in false imprisonment, a confinement without legal authority...
him, and the cabbie is hauled away. Back at the office, he discovers that, due to her conversation with the "cabbie," the Prime Minister is now quite keen on him, and the Chief Whip is powerless to discipline him. - Baa Baa Black Sheep (October 25, 1987) - Over breakfastBreakfastBreakfast is the first meal taken after rising from a night's sleep, most often eaten in the early morning before undertaking the day's work...
one morning, Roland informs B'Stard that the local Tories have finally had enough of his neglect of his constituents, and he is to be deselected at the next meeting. Desperate to find a way to get back into the local party's good graces quickly, Alan takes the advice of Norman, now ready for his final sex-change operationSex reassignment surgerySex reassignment surgery is a term for the surgical procedures by which a person's physical appearance and function of their existing sexual characteristics are altered to resemble...
and going by the name of "Norma," to cozy up to the owner of an American fast foodFast foodFast food is the term given to food that can be prepared and served very quickly. While any meal with low preparation time can be considered to be fast food, typically the term refers to food sold in a restaurant or store with preheated or precooked ingredients, and served to the customer in a...
chainChain storeChain stores are retail outlets that share a brand and central management, and usually have standardized business methods and practices. These characteristics also apply to chain restaurants and some service-oriented chain businesses. In retail, dining and many service categories, chain businesses...
, Lamb Burger Guzzler, which is planning to open 200 stores throughout Britain and will be locating its factoryFactoryA factory or manufacturing plant is an industrial building where laborers manufacture goods or supervise machines processing one product into another. Most modern factories have large warehouses or warehouse-like facilities that contain heavy equipment used for assembly line production...
in either Haltemprice or WalesWalesWales is a country that is part of the United Kingdom and the island of Great Britain, bordered by England to its east and the Atlantic Ocean and Irish Sea to its west. It has a population of three million, and a total area of 20,779 km²...
. As the company's owner, Mr. Guzzler, is a fundamentalist ChristianFundamentalist ChristianityChristian fundamentalism, also known as Fundamentalist Christianity, or Fundamentalism, arose out of British and American Protestantism in the late 19th century and early 20th century among evangelical Christians...
, Alan decides to win him over by getting "Norma" to pose as a prostituteProstitutionProstitution is the act or practice of providing sexual services to another person in return for payment. The person who receives payment for sexual services is called a prostitute and the person who receives such services is known by a multitude of terms, including a "john". Prostitution is one of...
and seduce the lecherous Secretary of State for WalesSecretary of State for WalesThe Secretary of State for Wales is the head of the Wales Office within the British cabinet. He or she is responsible for ensuring Welsh interests are taken into account by the government, representing the government within Wales and overseeing the passing of legislation which is only for Wales...
, which Alan will then photograph. The scheme succeeds, but ends with the Secretary's death, as he suffers a fatal heart attackMyocardial infarctionMyocardial infarction or acute myocardial infarction , commonly known as a heart attack, results from the interruption of blood supply to a part of the heart, causing heart cells to die...
when he learns that "Norma" is a man. After pausing to persuade Roland to sell him his unprofitable sheepDomestic sheepSheep are quadrupedal, ruminant mammals typically kept as livestock. Like all ruminants, sheep are members of the order Artiodactyla, the even-toed ungulates. Although the name "sheep" applies to many species in the genus Ovis, in everyday usage it almost always refers to Ovis aries...
ranchRanchA ranch is an area of landscape, including various structures, given primarily to the practice of ranching, the practice of raising grazing livestock such as cattle or sheep for meat or wool. The word most often applies to livestock-raising operations in the western United States and Canada, though...
, one of the largest in the country and the only one in Haltemprice, Alan takes a meeting with Mr. Guzzler and his wife at one of their restaurants. As Sarah refuses to help him with his scheme, he gets "Norma" to pose as his wife. At the meeting, the Guzzlers invite Alan and his "wife" to join them in a swinger partySwingingSwinging or partner swapping is a non-monogamous behavior, in which both partners in a committed relationship agree, as a couple, for both partners to engage in sexual activities with other couples as a recreational or social activity...
to seal the deal, Alan is naturally forced to refuse. This turns out to be the right move, as Mr. Guzzler reveals that he was just testing Alan's moral fortitude, and he passed. Alan is ecstatic; he can't wait to tell Roland, to tell him both that he has just brought a major new business to the constituency and to let him know that Alan's sheep ranch is about to be very profitable indeed.
Special
Comic ReliefComic Relief
Comic Relief is an operating British charity, founded in 1985 by the comedy scriptwriter Richard Curtis and comedian Lenny Henry in response to famine in Ethiopia. The highlight of Comic Relief's appeal is Red Nose Day, a biennial telethon held in March, alternating with sister project Sport Relief...
(February 5, 1988) - Not technically an episode of The New Statesman, this was the first annual Red Nose Day telethon held by the Comic Relief charity
Charitable organization
A charitable organization is a type of non-profit organization . It differs from other types of NPOs in that it centers on philanthropic goals A charitable organization is a type of non-profit organization (NPO). It differs from other types of NPOs in that it centers on philanthropic goals A...
. In the final skit
Sketch comedy
A sketch comedy consists of a series of short comedy scenes or vignettes, called "sketches," commonly between one and ten minutes long. Such sketches are performed by a group of comic actors or comedians, either on stage or through an audio and/or visual medium such as broadcasting...
, Alan takes a meeting with Margaret Thatcher
Margaret Thatcher
Margaret Hilda Thatcher, Baroness Thatcher, was Prime Minister of the United Kingdom from 1979 to 1990...
.
Series 2
- Fatal Extraction (January 15, 1989) - After appearing on a TV talk showTalk showA talk show or chat show is a television program or radio program where one person discuss various topics put forth by a talk show host....
in which he explains his view on the issue of abortionAbortionAbortion is defined as the termination of pregnancy by the removal or expulsion from the uterus of a fetus or embryo prior to viability. An abortion can occur spontaneously, in which case it is usually called a miscarriage, or it can be purposely induced...
("ugly, stupid, poor people should not be allowed to have children"), Alan discovers while driving home that there is as much as £1 billion worth of oilPetroleumPetroleum or crude oil is a naturally occurring, flammable liquid consisting of a complex mixture of hydrocarbons of various molecular weights and other liquid organic compounds, that are found in geologic formations beneath the Earth's surface. Petroleum is recovered mostly through oil drilling...
located beneath the Hackney MarshesHackney MarshesHackney Marshes is an area of grassland on the western bank of the River Lea in the London Borough of Hackney. It was incorporated into the Lee Valley Park in 1967...
. Unfortunately, the land is the property of the Borough of HackneyLondon Borough of HackneyThe London Borough of Hackney is a London borough of North/North East London, and forms part of inner London. The local authority is Hackney London Borough Council....
, and the only person who can sell it to him is Georgina Pritt, the blackBlack peopleThe term black people is used in systems of racial classification for humans of a dark skinned phenotype, relative to other racial groups.Different societies apply different criteria regarding who is classified as "black", and often social variables such as class, socio-economic status also plays a...
, feministFeminismFeminism is a collection of movements aimed at defining, establishing, and defending equal political, economic, and social rights and equal opportunities for women. Its concepts overlap with those of women's rights...
, socialistSocialismSocialism is an economic system characterized by social ownership of the means of production and cooperative management of the economy; or a political philosophy advocating such a system. "Social ownership" may refer to any one of, or a combination of, the following: cooperative enterprises,...
leader of the Hackney Council, whom he spent the entire interview insulting the night before. Turning on the charm, Alan seduces her and persuades her to sell him the land as part of a deal to turn it into an enterprise zoneUrban Enterprise ZoneIn the United States, Urban Enterprise Zones , also known as Enterprise Zones, are intended to encourage development in blighted neighborhoods through tax and regulatory relief to entrepreneurs and investors who launch businesses in the area. UEZs are areas where companies can locate free of...
, but her fellow members of the Council discover that she has been doing business with him and move to expel her from the party. Told that he will only get the land "when the Tories win Hackney," Alan decides to destroy the Labour PartyLabour Party (UK)The Labour Party is a centre-left democratic socialist party in the United Kingdom. It surpassed the Liberal Party in general elections during the early 1920s, forming minority governments under Ramsay MacDonald in 1924 and 1929-1931. The party was in a wartime coalition from 1940 to 1945, after...
's voting base among the poor and working classWorking classWorking class is a term used in the social sciences and in ordinary conversation to describe those employed in lower tier jobs , often extending to those in unemployment or otherwise possessing below-average incomes...
by introducing an amendment to exempt all those with an income of less than £20,000 from the poll taxPoll taxA poll tax is a tax of a portioned, fixed amount per individual in accordance with the census . When a corvée is commuted for cash payment, in effect it becomes a poll tax...
, so long as they surrender their right to voteSuffrageSuffrage, political franchise, or simply the franchise, distinct from mere voting rights, is the civil right to vote gained through the democratic process...
. The amendment seems well on its way to passing, despite the entreaties of the Chief WhipChief WhipThe Chief Whip is a political office in some legislatures assigned to an elected member whose task is to administer the whipping system that ensures that members of the party attend and vote as the party leadership desires.-The Whips Office:...
, but Alan's plan is mooted when Piers accidentally lets slip to Georgina the real reason for Alan's interest in the Marshes. As her last act as Council leader, she sells the land to herself and promptly retires to a private islandPrivate islandA private island is a disconnected body of land wholly owned by a single private citizen or corporation. Although this exclusivity gives the owner substantial control over the property, they still fall within the jurisdiction of national and sometimes local governments.-Ownership:There are many...
. A depressed Alan agrees to withdraw his amendment, but cheers himself up by blackmailBlackmailIn common usage, blackmail is a crime involving threats to reveal substantially true or false information about a person to the public, a family member, or associates unless a demand is met. It may be defined as coercion involving threats of physical harm, threat of criminal prosecution, or threats...
ing the Chief Whip, who accidentally lets it slip that he is a closetedClosetedCloseted and in the closet are metaphors used to describe lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer/questioning and intersex people who have not disclosed their sexual orientation or gender identity and aspects thereof, including sexual identity and sexual behavior.-Background:In late 20th...
homosexualHomosexualityHomosexuality is romantic or sexual attraction or behavior between members of the same sex or gender. As a sexual orientation, homosexuality refers to "an enduring pattern of or disposition to experience sexual, affectional, or romantic attractions" primarily or exclusively to people of the same...
. - Live from Westminster (January 22, 1989) - Alan discovers that the introduction of television camerasProfessional video cameraA professional video camera is a high-end device for creating electronic moving images...
to the House of Commons is the greatest opportunity of his career yet. After a few fiery speeches on the floor, he quickly becomes a superstarSuperstarA superstar is a widely acclaimed celebrity.Superstar or superstars may also refer to:-People:* Warhol Superstar, associates of Andy Warhol* WWE Superstar, the term used to refer to entertainers from the WWE...
, and then begins raking it in by doing testimonialTestimonialIn promotion and of advertising, a testimonial or show consists of a written or spoken statement, sometimes from a person figure, sometimes from a private citizen, extolling the virtue of some product. The term "testimonial" most commonly applies to the sales-pitches attributed to ordinary...
s on the House floor and selling product tie-insTie-inA tie-in is an authorized product based on a media property a company is releasing, such as a movie or video/DVD, computer game, video game, television program/television series, board game, web site, role-playing game or literary property...
featuring himself to his legions of fans. He even becomes a permanent member of the panel on a popular game showGame showA game show is a type of radio or television program in which members of the public, television personalities or celebrities, sometimes as part of a team, play a game which involves answering questions or solving puzzles usually for money and/or prizes...
and, despite alienating the host and the other guests with his insult comedyInsult comedyInsult comedy is a comedy genre in which the act consists mainly of offensive insults directed at the performer's audience and/or other performers....
, becomes a ratings success. His new-found fame backfires, however, as he learns that Sarah has sold her life story to a national tabloid, which plans to serializePeriodical publicationPeriodical literature is a published work that appears in a new edition on a regular schedule. The most familiar examples are the newspaper, often published daily, or weekly; or the magazine, typically published weekly, monthly or as a quarterly...
the entire sordid story, exposing all of his darkest secrets. Racing to 10 Downing Street10 Downing Street10 Downing Street, colloquially known in the United Kingdom as "Number 10", is the headquarters of Her Majesty's Government and the official residence and office of the First Lord of the Treasury, who is now always the Prime Minister....
, he implores Margaret ThatcherMargaret ThatcherMargaret Hilda Thatcher, Baroness Thatcher, was Prime Minister of the United Kingdom from 1979 to 1990...
to intervene and stop the publication, but she refuses, saying that she ordered Sarah to write the memoirMemoirA memoir , is a literary genre, forming a subclass of autobiography – although the terms 'memoir' and 'autobiography' are almost interchangeable. Memoir is autobiographical writing, but not all autobiographical writing follows the criteria for memoir set out below...
to cut him down to size. Rebuffed, Alan tricks Piers into blowing up the warehouseWarehouseA warehouse is a commercial building for storage of goods. Warehouses are used by manufacturers, importers, exporters, wholesalers, transport businesses, customs, etc. They are usually large plain buildings in industrial areas of cities and towns. They usually have loading docks to load and unload...
where all the copies of the tabloid are stored, saying that the paper contains an exposéInvestigative journalismInvestigative journalism is a form of journalism in which reporters deeply investigate a single topic of interest, often involving crime, political corruption, or corporate wrongdoing. An investigative journalist may spend months or years researching and preparing a report. Investigative journalism...
about Thatcher's personal life. As the episode closes, Alan exploits the bombing to hawk fire safetyFire safetyFire safety refers to precautions that are taken to prevent or reduce the likelihood of a fire that may result in death, injury, or property damage, alert those in a structure to the presence of a fire in the event one occurs, better enable those threatened by a fire to survive, or to reduce the...
gear on the House floor. - The Wapping Conspiracy (January 29, 1989) - Looking for an opportunity to recruit nubile, under-agedAge of consentWhile the phrase age of consent typically does not appear in legal statutes, when used in relation to sexual activity, the age of consent is the minimum age at which a person is considered to be legally competent to consent to sexual acts. The European Union calls it the legal age for sexual...
girls to have sex with, Alan becomes the parliamentary patron of the newly-formed "Young Ladies' Recreational Association." His scheme backfires, however, as a reporter for The TimesThe TimesThe Times is a British daily national newspaper, first published in London in 1785 under the title The Daily Universal Register . The Times and its sister paper The Sunday Times are published by Times Newspapers Limited, a subsidiary since 1981 of News International...
publicly names him as a "degenerate pervert" and publishes photographs of him engaged in group sexGroup sexGroup sex is sexual behavior involving more than two participants. Group sex can occur amongst people of all sexual orientations and genders...
with several of the girls and a Border CollieBorder CollieThe Border Collie is a herding dog breed developed in the Anglo-Scottish border region for herding livestock, especially sheep. It is the most widespread of the collie breeds....
. Alan responds by suingLawsuitA lawsuit or "suit in law" is a civil action brought in a court of law in which a plaintiff, a party who claims to have incurred loss as a result of a defendant's actions, demands a legal or equitable remedy. The defendant is required to respond to the plaintiff's complaint...
The Times for libel, and hires Piers to be his barristerBarristerA barrister is a member of one of the two classes of lawyer found in many common law jurisdictions with split legal professions. Barristers specialise in courtroom advocacy, drafting legal pleadings and giving expert legal opinions...
. Piers, as expected, manages to thoroughly bungle the case, and Alan finally fires him during the cross-examinationCross-examinationIn law, cross-examination is the interrogation of a witness called by one's opponent. It is preceded by direct examination and may be followed by a redirect .- Variations by Jurisdiction :In...
of the reporter and announces that he will represent himselfLitigant in personA litigant in person, in the United Kingdom, is an individual, company or organisation that is not represented in court by a solicitor or barrister, but nevertheless has rights of audience...
. Under questioning, the reporter admits that he doctored the photos to implicate Alan, whom he hates for being rich and handsome, and Alan is awarded £500,000 in damagesDamagesIn law, damages is an award, typically of money, to be paid to a person as compensation for loss or injury; grammatically, it is a singular noun, not plural.- Compensatory damages :...
. Later, as Alan celebrates with Piers and Sarah, the reporter arrives and explains to the others that he and Alan had set the whole thing up so they could scam the paper out of the damages. Alan, however, feigns innocence, and reveals that he has taped the entire conversation, which he will now use to sue the reporter personally for further damages. - The Haltemprice Bunker (February 5, 1989) - Alan takes lunch with his old friend Piers Lonsdale, a misanthropicMisanthropyMisanthropy is generalized dislike, distrust, disgust, contempt or hatred of the human species or human nature. A misanthrope, or misanthropist is someone who holds such views or feelings...
financial journalist who offers to let him in on the ground floor of a scheme to exploit General PinochetAugusto PinochetAugusto José Ramón Pinochet Ugarte, more commonly known as Augusto Pinochet , was a Chilean army general and dictator who assumed power in a coup d'état on 11 September 1973...
's new slaverySlaverySlavery is a system under which people are treated as property to be bought and sold, and are forced to work. Slaves can be held against their will from the time of their capture, purchase or birth, and deprived of the right to leave, to refuse to work, or to demand compensation...
program for a profit, in exchange for an investmentInvestmentInvestment has different meanings in finance and economics. Finance investment is putting money into something with the expectation of gain, that upon thorough analysis, has a high degree of security for the principal amount, as well as security of return, within an expected period of time...
of £500,000. Lacking the liquidity to invest in the scheme, and looking to cash in on the publicityPublicityPublicity is the deliberate attempt to manage the public's perception of a subject. The subjects of publicity include people , goods and services, organizations of all kinds, and works of art or entertainment.From a marketing perspective, publicity is one component of promotion which is one...
from an ongoing Nazi huntNazi hunterA Nazi-hunter is a private individual who tracks down and gathers information on alleged former Nazis, SS members and Nazi collaborators involved in the Holocaust, typically for use at trial on charges of war crimes and crimes against humanity...
, Alan heads to the home of Helmut Drucker, an ex-Nazi living in Haltemprice whom Alan has been blackmailing for years, and who he now plans to turn in for the reward. He relents, however, when Drucker offers to pay him £500,000 worth of Nazi goldNazi goldNazi gold is the gold transferred by Nazi Germany to overseas banks during the Second World War. The regime executed a policy of looting the assets of its victims to finance the war, collecting the looted assets in central depositories. The occasional transfer of gold in return for currency took...
to let him go. After making some quick travel arrangements for Drucker, Alan meets him at a trainTrainA train is a connected series of vehicles for rail transport that move along a track to transport cargo or passengers from one place to another place. The track usually consists of two rails, but might also be a monorail or maglev guideway.Propulsion for the train is provided by a separate...
station to exchange his tickets for the gold, only to discover that Piers (Fletcher-Dervish, not Lonsdale) -- angry at him for some earlier insults—has tipped off the media. Panicking, Alan pretends to have caught Drucker in the act of fleeing the country and in the ensuing struggle, he pushes the old man in front of an oncoming train. Although he is out the gold, Alan consoles himself that he will at least get some favourable publicity for killing a Nazi. To his astonishment, however, he finds that none of the media who were in attendance have reported the incident. Lonsdale explains that this is because the press are under strict orders from the Prime Minister not to publish negative stories about Tory MPs, "except, perhaps, Edward HeathEdward HeathSir Edward Richard George "Ted" Heath, KG, MBE, PC was a British Conservative politician who served as Prime Minister of the United Kingdom and as Leader of the Conservative Party ....
." - California Here I Come (February 12, 1989) - Alan and Piers fly to HollywoodHollywood, Los Angeles, CaliforniaHollywood is a famous district in Los Angeles, California, United States situated west-northwest of downtown Los Angeles. Due to its fame and cultural identity as the historical center of movie studios and movie stars, the word Hollywood is often used as a metonym of American cinema...
, where they attend a party thrown by a major film producerFilm producerA film producer oversees and delivers a film project to all relevant parties while preserving the integrity, voice and vision of the film. They will also often take on some financial risk by using their own money, especially during the pre-production period, before a film is fully financed.The...
, to whom Alan intends to pitch the idea of a DallasDallas (TV series)Dallas is an American serial drama/prime time soap opera that revolves around the Ewings, a wealthy Texas family in the oil and cattle-ranching industries. Throughout the series, Larry Hagman stars as greedy, scheming oil baron J. R. Ewing...
-style soap operaSoap operaA soap opera, sometimes called "soap" for short, is an ongoing, episodic work of dramatic fiction presented in serial format on radio or as television programming. The name soap opera stems from the original dramatic serials broadcast on radio that had soap manufacturers, such as Procter & Gamble,...
set in the House of Commons. Once there, Alan finds that his pitch is rejected by the producer, and Piers accidentally samples some cocaineCocaineCocaine is a crystalline tropane alkaloid that is obtained from the leaves of the coca plant. The name comes from "coca" in addition to the alkaloid suffix -ine, forming cocaine. It is a stimulant of the central nervous system, an appetite suppressant, and a topical anesthetic...
, which makes him violently, rabidly royalistRoyalistA royalist supports a particular monarch as head of state for a particular kingdom, or of a particular dynastic claim. In the abstract, this position is royalism. It is distinct from monarchism, which advocates a monarchical system of government, but not necessarily a particular monarch...
, but Alan thinks he has saved the night (for him, anyway), when he is propositioned for sex by Donna Nightingale, a sexy soap opera star who proclaims her interest in bondageBondage (BDSM)Bondage is the use of restraints for the sexual pleasure of the parties involved. It may be used in its own right, as in the case of rope bondage and breast bondage, or as part of sexual activity or BDSM activity.- Private bondage :...
. Once they get back to her apartmentApartmentAn apartment or flat is a self-contained housing unit that occupies only part of a building...
, the two have stripped down to their underwear, and Donna is tied to her bed, she announces that she needs some QuaaludesMethaqualoneMethaqualone is a sedative-hypnotic drug that is similar in effect to barbiturates, a general central nervous system depressant. The sedative-hypnotic activity was first noted by Indian researchers in the 1950s and in 1962 methaqualone itself was patented in the US by Wallace and Tiernan...
, which are in her purseHandbagA handbag, or purse in American English, is a handled medium-to-large bag that is often fashionably designed, typically used by women, to hold personal items such as wallet/coins, keys, cosmetics, a hairbrush, pepper spray, cigarettes, mobile phone etc....
out in her car. Alan goes to get them (leaving Donna still tied up), clad only in a woman's bathrobeBathrobeA bathrobe, dressing gown or housecoat is a robe. A bathrobe is usually made from towelling or other absorbent textile, and may be donned while the wearer's body is wet, serving both as a towel and an informal garment...
and Union JackUnion FlagThe Union Flag, also known as the Union Jack, is the flag of the United Kingdom. It retains an official or semi-official status in some Commonwealth Realms; for example, it is known as the Royal Union Flag in Canada. It is also used as an official flag in some of the smaller British overseas...
speedoSpeedoSpeedo International Ltd. is a manufacturer and distributor of swimwear and swim-related accessories. Founded in Australia in 1914, the industry leading company is now a subsidiary of Pentland Group Plc. Today, the Speedo brand can be found on products ranging from swimsuits and goggles to wrist...
, and ends up locking himself out of the building. When the police come to arrest him for attempting to break in, he swallows the entire bottle, and ends up passing out and throwing most of the pills back up. Arrested for breaking and enteringBurglaryBurglary is a crime, the essence of which is illicit entry into a building for the purposes of committing an offense. Usually that offense will be theft, but most jurisdictions specify others which fall within the ambit of burglary...
, public indecencyPublic indecencyPublic indecency refers to conduct undertaken in a non-private or publicly-viewable location, which are deemed indecent in nature, such as indecent exposure and sexual intercourse or masturbation in public view. Such activity is often illegal...
, and possession of drugs, Alan awakes in the Malibu jail to find Piers coming to bailBailTraditionally, bail is some form of property deposited or pledged to a court to persuade it to release a suspect from jail, on the understanding that the suspect will return for trial or forfeit the bail...
him out...until Piers lets it slip that he is in possession of cocaine, and is arrested as well. Remembering Piers' violent royalism under the influence, Alan tricks the sheriffSheriffA sheriff is in principle a legal official with responsibility for a county. In practice, the specific combination of legal, political, and ceremonial duties of a sheriff varies greatly from country to country....
into coming into the cell and tries to get him to say something derogatory about the Royal FamilyBritish Royal FamilyThe British Royal Family is the group of close relatives of the monarch of the United Kingdom. The term is also commonly applied to the same group of people as the relations of the monarch in her or his role as sovereign of any of the other Commonwealth realms, thus sometimes at variance with...
, but this proves stunningly difficult, until the sheriff refers to their gay cellmate as an "ugly old queenQueen (gay slang)In gay slang, queen is a term used to refer to flamboyant or effeminate gay men. The term can either be pejorative or celebrated as a type of self-identification.-Drag queen:...
." Piers attacks him, knocking him out, and Alan steals his keys and escapes. He stops back at Donna's apartment to pick up his clothes and catches the next flight back to Britain, not bothering to untie Donna before he goes. - May the Best Man Win (February 19, 1989) - Piers' announcement that he is engaged to be married is met with derision by Alan, who charges him £500 for the "privilege" of having Alan as his best man. Upon meeting the beautiful, intelligent, wealthy, and assertive Clarissa, Alan falls instantly in lustLustLust is an emotional force that is directly associated with the thinking or fantasizing about one's desire, usually in a sexual way.-Etymology:The word lust is phonetically similar to the ancient Roman lustrum, which literally meant "purification"...
, but after he seduces her atop her parents' dining roomDining roomA dining room is a room for consuming food. In modern times it is usually adjacent to the kitchen for convenience in serving, although in medieval times it was often on an entirely different floor level...
table while her parents and Piers are in the next room, she insults his skills as a lover and declares that, once she is married, she will see to it that Piers no longer acts as Alan's lackey. Now determined to break up the weddingWeddingA wedding is the ceremony in which two people are united in marriage or a similar institution. Wedding traditions and customs vary greatly between cultures, ethnic groups, religions, countries, and social classes...
, Alan first tries to kill Clarissa—first by dropping a gargoyleGargoyleIn architecture, a gargoyle is a carved stone grotesque, usually made of granite, with a spout designed to convey water from a roof and away from the side of a building thereby preventing rainwater from running down masonry walls and eroding the mortar between...
on her from atop her stately homeStately homeA stately home is a "great country house". It is thus a palatial great house or in some cases an updated castle, located in the British Isles, mostly built between the mid-16th century and the early part of the 20th century, as well as converted abbeys and other church property...
's roof, then attempting to trap her car in the path of an oncoming train—then hires an actress to crash the weddingWedding crashingWedding crashing is the act of coming to a wedding without an invitation.-In real life:Some of the most common reasons for crashing a wedding in real life are:...
and pretend to be the mother of Piers' illegitimateLegitimacy (law)At common law, legitimacy is the status of a child who is born to parents who are legally married to one another; and of a child who is born shortly after the parents' divorce. In canon and in civil law, the offspring of putative marriages have been considered legitimate children...
child, but Clarissa, through a mixture of luck and skill, foils him at every turn, and the wedding is completed as planned. The resourceful Alan, drawing upon his status as a member of the Stale Food Working Group of the Parliamentary Catering Committee, gets the last laugh, however: at the wedding receptionWedding receptionA wedding reception is a party held after the completion of a marriage ceremony. It is held usually as hospitality for those who have attended the wedding, hence the name reception: the couple receives society, in the form of family and friends, for the first time as a married couple. Hosts...
, he ensures that the entire feast is laced with salmonellaSalmonellaSalmonella is a genus of rod-shaped, Gram-negative, non-spore-forming, predominantly motile enterobacteria with diameters around 0.7 to 1.5 µm, lengths from 2 to 5 µm, and flagella which grade in all directions . They are chemoorganotrophs, obtaining their energy from oxidation and reduction...
and botulismBotulismBotulism also known as botulinus intoxication is a rare but serious paralytic illness caused by botulinum toxin which is metabolic waste produced under anaerobic conditions by the bacterium Clostridium botulinum, and affecting a wide range of mammals, birds and fish...
. As the guests, including his own wife, slide into nauseous comaComaIn medicine, a coma is a state of unconsciousness, lasting more than 6 hours in which a person cannot be awakened, fails to respond normally to painful stimuli, light or sound, lacks a normal sleep-wake cycle and does not initiate voluntary actions. A person in a state of coma is described as...
s, Alan delivers a very special toast to the happy couple...and himself. - Piers of the Realm (February 26, 1989) - In YorkshireYorkshireYorkshire is a historic county of northern England and the largest in the United Kingdom. Because of its great size in comparison to other English counties, functions have been increasingly undertaken over time by its subdivisions, which have also been subject to periodic reform...
to attend a horse raceHorse racingHorse racing is an equestrian sport that has a long history. Archaeological records indicate that horse racing occurred in ancient Babylon, Syria, and Egypt. Both chariot and mounted horse racing were events in the ancient Greek Olympics by 648 BC...
in which his horse is the favourite, Alan holds a rare surgerySurgery (politics)A political surgery or clinic is a term used to describe a series of one-to-one meetings. A Member of Parliament may have with his or her constituents, at which a constituent may raise issues of local concern...
, during which he charges a farmFarmA farm is an area of land, or, for aquaculture, lake, river or sea, including various structures, devoted primarily to the practice of producing and managing food , fibres and, increasingly, fuel. It is the basic production facility in food production. Farms may be owned and operated by a single...
er £500 to have a bypassBypass (road)A bypass is a road or highway that avoids or "bypasses" a built-up area, town, or village, to let through traffic flow without interference from local traffic, to reduce congestion in the built-up area, and to improve road safety....
rerouted around his farm and cons a senileDementiaDementia is a serious loss of cognitive ability in a previously unimpaired person, beyond what might be expected from normal aging...
elderly woman out of her £350,000 home. Returning to LondonLondonLondon is the capital city of :England and the :United Kingdom, the largest metropolitan area in the United Kingdom, and the largest urban zone in the European Union by most measures. Located on the River Thames, London has been a major settlement for two millennia, its history going back to its...
, Alan is shocked to discover that in his absence, Piers has been promoted and is now a junior minister to Sir Greville MacDonald, the Secretary of State for the EnvironmentSecretary of State for the EnvironmentThe Secretary of State for the Environment was a UK cabinet position, responsible for the Department of the Environment . This was created by Edward Heath as a combination of the Ministry of Housing and Local Government, the Ministry of Transport and the Ministry of Public Building and Works on 15...
. Enraged, Alan becomes even more unpleasant than usual, as he takes out his anger on those around him. He videotapes Sarah as she carries on an affairAffairAffair may refer to professional, personal, or public business matters or to a particular business or private activity of a temporary duration, as in family affair, a private affair, or a romantic affair.-Political affair:...
with their gardener, sells the video as a porno movie in West GermanyWest GermanyWest Germany is the common English, but not official, name for the Federal Republic of Germany or FRG in the period between its creation in May 1949 to German reunification on 3 October 1990....
, then informs her that he is divorcingDivorceDivorce is the final termination of a marital union, canceling the legal duties and responsibilities of marriage and dissolving the bonds of matrimony between the parties...
her and using the video as evidence of adulteryAdulteryAdultery is sexual infidelity to one's spouse, and is a form of extramarital sex. It originally referred only to sex between a woman who was married and a person other than her spouse. Even in cases of separation from one's spouse, an extramarital affair is still considered adultery.Adultery is...
; lets slip to dim-bulb journalist Geoff Diquead that the horse race, in which Diquead lost £1,000, was fixed; and mutilates and burns Piers' treasured teddy bearTeddy bearThe teddy bear is a stuffed toy bear. They are usually stuffed with soft, white cotton and have smooth and soft fur. It is an enduring form of a stuffed animal in many countries, often serving the purpose of entertaining children. In recent times, some teddy bears have become collector's items...
. Finally, after going through Piers' desk, he discovers that all of the buildings that Piers has recently declared worthy of historic preservationHistoric preservationHistoric preservation is an endeavor that seeks to preserve, conserve and protect buildings, objects, landscapes or other artifacts of historical significance...
are actually strip clubStrip clubA strip club is an adult entertainment venue in which striptease or other erotic or exotic dance is regularly performed. Strip clubs typically adopt a nightclub or bar style, but can also adopt a theatre or cabaret-style....
s and brothelBrothelBrothels are business establishments where patrons can engage in sexual activities with prostitutes. Brothels are known under a variety of names, including bordello, cathouse, knocking shop, whorehouse, strumpet house, sporting house, house of ill repute, house of prostitution, and bawdy house...
s secretly owned by Sir Greville, who has been using Piers to scam the Government out of grantGrant (money)Grants are funds disbursed by one party , often a Government Department, Corporation, Foundation or Trust, to a recipient, often a nonprofit entity, educational institution, business or an individual. In order to receive a grant, some form of "Grant Writing" often referred to as either a proposal...
money. Confronting Sir Greville, Alan blackmailBlackmailIn common usage, blackmail is a crime involving threats to reveal substantially true or false information about a person to the public, a family member, or associates unless a demand is met. It may be defined as coercion involving threats of physical harm, threat of criminal prosecution, or threats...
s him into cutting him in on the scheme. Having angered Sarah, Piers, Diquead, and Greville simultaneously, Alan steps out of the Ministry of the Environment and is gunned down by an unseen assailant.
Special
Who Shot Alan B'Stard? (January 14, 1990) - All of Britain is in shock at the attempted assassination of Alan, which has left him comaComa
In medicine, a coma is a state of unconsciousness, lasting more than 6 hours in which a person cannot be awakened, fails to respond normally to painful stimuli, light or sound, lacks a normal sleep-wake cycle and does not initiate voluntary actions. A person in a state of coma is described as...
tose and fighting for his life in the hospital. The attack has come at a crucial time in the debate over capital punishment
Capital punishment
Capital punishment, the death penalty, or execution is the sentence of death upon a person by the state as a punishment for an offence. Crimes that can result in a death penalty are known as capital crimes or capital offences. The term capital originates from the Latin capitalis, literally...
: a vote on its restoration in the House of Commons is imminent and, while bookmaker
Bookmaker
A bookmaker, or bookie, is an organization or a person that takes bets on sporting and other events at agreed upon odds.- Range of events :...
s had previously placed the odds of its passage at 100-to-1 against, it is now even money as to whether it will pass. On the day of the vote, the result is a perfect tie
Tie (draw)
To tie or draw is to finish a competition with identical or inconclusive results. The word "tie" is usually used in North America for sports such as American football. "Draw" is usually used in the United Kingdom, Ireland and the Commonwealth of Nations and it is usually used for sports such as...
, 305 to 305, and it looks like the bill will fail. But at the last second, none other than Alan himself strides into the room and casts the crucial vote in favour.
In interviews after the vote, Alan claims that his seemingly miraculous recovery is the work of an Amazonian
Amazon Rainforest
The Amazon Rainforest , also known in English as Amazonia or the Amazon Jungle, is a moist broadleaf forest that covers most of the Amazon Basin of South America...
shaman
Shamanism
Shamanism is an anthropological term referencing a range of beliefs and practices regarding communication with the spiritual world. To quote Eliade: "A first definition of this complex phenomenon, and perhaps the least hazardous, will be: shamanism = technique of ecstasy." Shamanism encompasses the...
, Chief Amlumi, and begins making the rounds of the talk show
Talk show
A talk show or chat show is a television program or radio program where one person discuss various topics put forth by a talk show host....
s touting his newest charity, Central Amazon Spiritual Healers (He asks for cheques to be "made out to CASH, for short"). He also persuades Parliament to bring back hanging
Hanging
Hanging is the lethal suspension of a person by a ligature. The Oxford English Dictionary states that hanging in this sense is "specifically to put to death by suspension by the neck", though it formerly also referred to crucifixion and death by impalement in which the body would remain...
and public executions and gives Sir Greville, who has been promoted to the newly-created post of Minister for Law and Order, a kickback to gain the contract to construct the new gallows
Gallows
A gallows is a frame, typically wooden, used for execution by hanging, or by means to torture before execution, as was used when being hanged, drawn and quartered...
to be used throughout Britain. Sarah, of course, suspects that Alan has faked the whole thing to make money, and she's right: Alan soon descends on a local bookie to collect on the £10,000 bet he made that capital punishment would be reinstated, placed back when the odds were still 100-to-1 against.
Seeking to expose Alan's fraud and ruin his career, Sarah allies herself with Kerry Grout, a talk show host who exposes Alan's charity fraud during an interview, leading Alan to rashly threaten his life on live TV. That night, Piers, who has joined Sarah after learning that Alan has conned him out a £50,000 donation to the fake charity, sneaks into the office he shares with Alan and discovers the truth: that Alan paid a Basque nationalist
Basque nationalism
Basque nationalism is a political movement advocating for either further political autonomy or, chiefly, full independence of the Basque Country in the wider sense...
mercenary
Mercenary
A mercenary, is a person who takes part in an armed conflict based on the promise of material compensation rather than having a direct interest in, or a legal obligation to, the conflict itself. A non-conscript professional member of a regular army is not considered to be a mercenary although he...
to shoot at him with Piers' high-powered rifle
Rifle
A rifle is a firearm designed to be fired from the shoulder, with a barrel that has a helical groove or pattern of grooves cut into the barrel walls. The raised areas of the rifling are called "lands," which make contact with the projectile , imparting spin around an axis corresponding to the...
while he was clad in a bulletproof vest. That night, Sarah calls Alan from a phone booth in the House of Commons lobby and lures him away from the office, while Piers and Kerry sneak in to film a piece demonstrating how Alan pulled off the hoax
Hoax
A hoax is a deliberately fabricated falsehood made to masquerade as truth. It is distinguishable from errors in observation or judgment, or rumors, urban legends, pseudosciences or April Fools' Day events that are passed along in good faith by believers or as jokes.-Definition:The British...
. During the demonstration, however, Piers accidentally shoots and kills Kerry with the rifle and then jumps out the window and into the Thames
River Thames
The River Thames flows through southern England. It is the longest river entirely in England and the second longest in the United Kingdom. While it is best known because its lower reaches flow through central London, the river flows alongside several other towns and cities, including Oxford,...
in panic.
An oblivious Alan soon arrives back on the scene and, not noticing Kerry's dead body, picks up the rifle just as a policeman arrives and arrests him for the murder. At his trial, both the policeman and Sarah perjure
Perjury
Perjury, also known as forswearing, is the willful act of swearing a false oath or affirmation to tell the truth, whether spoken or in writing, concerning matters material to a judicial proceeding. That is, the witness falsely promises to tell the truth about matters which affect the outcome of the...
themselves, with the policeman claiming that Alan confessed to him and Sarah denying that she ever called Alan to get him out of his office. Alan tries to assert an insanity defense, calling Chief Amlumi to testify that the jungle drugs he used to heal Alan can cause hallucination
Hallucination
A hallucination, in the broadest sense of the word, is a perception in the absence of a stimulus. In a stricter sense, hallucinations are defined as perceptions in a conscious and awake state in the absence of external stimuli which have qualities of real perception, in that they are vivid,...
s and delusion
Delusion
A delusion is a false belief held with absolute conviction despite superior evidence. Unlike hallucinations, delusions are always pathological...
s, but the prosecutor exposes Amlumi and his interpreter
Interpreting
Language interpretation is the facilitating of oral or sign-language communication, either simultaneously or consecutively, between users of different languages...
as a vaudeville
Vaudeville
Vaudeville was a theatrical genre of variety entertainment in the United States and Canada from the early 1880s until the early 1930s. Each performance was made up of a series of separate, unrelated acts grouped together on a common bill...
tomahawk-throwing
Axe throwing
Axe throwing is an event in most lumberjack competitions, such as the Lumberjack World Championship in Hayward, Wisconsin.-Rules:The target is thirty six inches wide, consisting of five rings that are each four inches wide. The outside ring is worth one point, the next one in is worth two, then...
act. Piers, who survived his fall by landing on a ship bound for Thailand
Thailand
Thailand , officially the Kingdom of Thailand , formerly known as Siam , is a country located at the centre of the Indochina peninsula and Southeast Asia. It is bordered to the north by Burma and Laos, to the east by Laos and Cambodia, to the south by the Gulf of Thailand and Malaysia, and to the...
, finally arrives and testifies that he is the real killer, but the prosecutor discredits his claims by asking the jury to question whether a barrister
Barrister
A barrister is a member of one of the two classes of lawyer found in many common law jurisdictions with split legal professions. Barristers specialise in courtroom advocacy, drafting legal pleadings and giving expert legal opinions...
and Member of Parliament could really be that stupid. Alan is convicted and slated to become the first man executed on his own gallows.
Alan's attempts to bribe his way out his sentence prove futile, and he is taken to the gallows to be hanged before a live TV audience. As the trapdoor opens, however, he is saved by his own greed: the subcontractor
Subcontractor
A subcontractor is an individual or in many cases a business that signs a contract to perform part or all of the obligations of another's contract....
he used to build the gallows used balsa wood, rather than the promised mahogany
Mahogany
The name mahogany is used when referring to numerous varieties of dark-colored hardwood. It is a native American word originally used for the wood of the species Swietenia mahagoni, known as West Indian or Cuban mahogany....
, and the entire gallows collapses under Alan's weight. This event is taken as an act of God
Act of God
Act of God is a legal term for events outside of human control, such as sudden floods or other natural disasters, for which no one can be held responsible.- Contract law :...
, and Alan receives a full pardon
Pardon
Clemency means the forgiveness of a crime or the cancellation of the penalty associated with it. It is a general concept that encompasses several related procedures: pardoning, commutation, remission and reprieves...
from the Crown.
Series 3
- Labour of Love (January 6, 1991) - On the political outs with his own party after the events of "Who Shot Alan B'Stard?", Alan is dismayed when Victor Crosby, a man even further to the right than he, wins a by-electionBy-electionA by-election is an election held to fill a political office that has become vacant between regularly scheduled elections....
in AccringtonAccringtonAccrington is a town in Lancashire, within the borough of Hyndburn. It lies about east of Blackburn, west of Burnley, north of Manchester city centre and is situated on the mostly culverted River Hyndburn...
and quickly becomes the new darling of the party, placed on the fast track for the CabinetCabinet of the United KingdomThe Cabinet of the United Kingdom is the collective decision-making body of Her Majesty's Government in the United Kingdom, composed of the Prime Minister and some 22 Cabinet Ministers, the most senior of the government ministers....
by Sir Greville and awarded Alan's weekly columnColumn (newspaper)A column is a recurring piece or article in a newspaper, magazine or other publication. Columns are written by columnists.What differentiates a column from other forms of journalism is that it meets each of the following criteria:...
in the Daily ExpressDaily ExpressThe Daily Express switched from broadsheet to tabloid in 1977 and was bought by the construction company Trafalgar House in the same year. Its publishing company, Beaverbrook Newspapers, was renamed Express Newspapers...
. Apparently deciding to dump the Tories, Alan arranges a meeting with Paddy O'Rourke, a high-ranking member of the Labour PartyLabour Party (UK)The Labour Party is a centre-left democratic socialist party in the United Kingdom. It surpassed the Liberal Party in general elections during the early 1920s, forming minority governments under Ramsay MacDonald in 1924 and 1929-1931. The party was in a wartime coalition from 1940 to 1945, after...
, and offers to leak documents damaging enough to the Government to guarantee a Labour victory in the next election in exchange for the post of Foreign SecretarySecretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth AffairsThe Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs, commonly referred to as the Foreign Secretary, is a senior member of Her Majesty's Government heading the Foreign and Commonwealth Office and regarded as one of the Great Offices of State...
. Returning to the office he now shares with Crosby, Alan plants a mousetrapMousetrapA mousetrap is a specialized type of animal trap designed primarily to catch mice; however, it may also trap other small animals. Mousetraps are usually set in an indoor location where there is a suspected infestation of rodents. There are various types of mousetrap, each with its own advantages...
in Crosby's desk drawer, then tells him that he should send Margaret ThatcherMargaret ThatcherMargaret Hilda Thatcher, Baroness Thatcher, was Prime Minister of the United Kingdom from 1979 to 1990...
a Valentine's DayValentine's DaySaint Valentine's Day, commonly shortened to Valentine's Day, is an annual commemoration held on February 14 celebrating love and affection between intimate companions. The day is named after one or more early Christian martyrs named Saint Valentine, and was established by Pope Gelasius I in 496...
card to see to it that he stays in her good graces. When Crosby reaches for a penPenA pen is a device used to apply ink to a surface, usually paper, for writing or drawing. Historically, reed pens, quill pens, and dip pens were used, with a nib of some sort to be dipped in the ink. Ruling pens allow precise adjustment of line width, and still find a few specialized uses, but...
to sign, his right hand is caught in the trap, and he ends up using his left hand to sign the card (at Alan's suggestion) "From Your Newest Recruit". Before Crosby leaves, Alan also gives him £1,000 cash to buy a Savile RowSavile RowSavile Row is a shopping street in Mayfair, central London, famous for its traditional men's bespoke tailoring. The term "bespoke" is understood to have originated in Savile Row when cloth for a suit was said to "be spoken for" by individual customers...
suitSuit (clothing)In clothing, a suit is a set of garments made from the same cloth, consisting of at least a jacket and trousers. Lounge suits are the most common style of Western suit, originating in the United Kingdom as country wear...
. At the next Prime Minister's QuestionsPrime Minister's QuestionsPrime minister's questions is a constitutional convention in the United Kingdom that takes place every Wednesday during which the prime minister spends half an hour answering questions from members of parliament...
, Neil KinnockNeil KinnockNeil Gordon Kinnock, Baron Kinnock is a Welsh politician belonging to the Labour Party. He served as a Member of Parliament from 1970 until 1995 and as Labour Leader and Leader of Her Majesty's Loyal Opposition from 1983 until 1992 - his leadership of the party during nearly nine years making him...
reveals plans (stolen by Alan from Sir Greville's red boxRed box (government)The term "Red box" informally refers to a ministerial box used by ministers in the British government to carry their documents. Similar in appearance to a briefcase, they are primarily used to hold and transport official departmental papers from place to place.-Ministerial box:The design of...
while he was busy having an assignation with Sarah) for the Government to abolish the poll taxPoll taxA poll tax is a tax of a portioned, fixed amount per individual in accordance with the census . When a corvée is commuted for cash payment, in effect it becomes a poll tax...
and replace it with a value added taxValue added taxA value added tax or value-added tax is a form of consumption tax. From the perspective of the buyer, it is a tax on the purchase price. From that of the seller, it is a tax only on the "value added" to a product, material or service, from an accounting point of view, by this stage of its...
on mortgageMortgage loanA mortgage loan is a loan secured by real property through the use of a mortgage note which evidences the existence of the loan and the encumbrance of that realty through the granting of a mortgage which secures the loan...
payments. After the resulting uproar, Sir Greville arrives at Alan and Crosby's office and reveals that he has come into the possession of the note sent to Kinnock (signed "From Your Newest Recruit"), and that an expert has identified it as Crosby's handwritingHandwritingHandwriting is a person's particular & individual style of writing with pen or pencil, which contrasts with "Hand" which is an impersonal and formalised writing style in several historical varieties...
, despite his attempt to disguise it. When Crosby appeals to Alan to help him, Alan produces a doctored tape of Crosby on the phone with Kinnock accepting a £1,000 bribe for the documents. Crosby is arrested and expelled from Parliament, Alan is back in Sir Greville's good graces (although he reveals that he knows of Greville's affairAffairAffair may refer to professional, personal, or public business matters or to a particular business or private activity of a temporary duration, as in family affair, a private affair, or a romantic affair.-Political affair:...
with Sarah and warns him not to do it again), and he even gets his column in the Daily Express back. His first item is a call for the re-legalization of slaverySlaverySlavery is a system under which people are treated as property to be bought and sold, and are forced to work. Slaves can be held against their will from the time of their capture, purchase or birth, and deprived of the right to leave, to refuse to work, or to demand compensation...
, which he stole from Crosby. - The Party's Over (January 13, 1991) - Alan is summoned to the office of Sir Greville, who gives him terrible news: Professor Eugene Quail, the Government's leading oilPetroleumPetroleum or crude oil is a naturally occurring, flammable liquid consisting of a complex mixture of hydrocarbons of various molecular weights and other liquid organic compounds, that are found in geologic formations beneath the Earth's surface. Petroleum is recovered mostly through oil drilling...
expert, has rechecked his figures and discovered that the North Sea oilNorth Sea oilNorth Sea oil is a mixture of hydrocarbons, comprising liquid oil and natural gas, produced from oil reservoirs beneath the North Sea.In the oil industry, the term "North Sea" often includes areas such as the Norwegian Sea and the area known as "West of Shetland", "the Atlantic Frontier" or "the...
, the foundation of all of the Tories' fiscal policies, will run out any day now, triggering a depressionDepression (economics)In economics, a depression is a sustained, long-term downturn in economic activity in one or more economies. It is a more severe downturn than a recession, which is seen by some economists as part of the modern business cycle....
. A snap electionSnap electionA snap election is an election called earlier than expected. Generally it refers to an election in a parliamentary system called when not required , usually to capitalize on a unique electoral opportunity or to decide a pressing issue...
is called in the hopes that it will occur before the oil runs out, and Alan is put in charge of the Tory campaign. His strategy of offering free lotteryLotteryA lottery is a form of gambling which involves the drawing of lots for a prize.Lottery is outlawed by some governments, while others endorse it to the extent of organizing a national or state lottery. It is common to find some degree of regulation of lottery by governments...
tickets to all Tory voters and putting scantily-clad women in the party's ads is a massive success, and soon the Tories have a 15-point lead. Once again, Sir Greville summons Alan, and explains that the Tory leadership had actually hoped that appointing Alan would be an electoral disaster, as whichever party is in power when the oil runs out will take the blame for the consequences. Alan suggests appointing Piers to run the campaign, which results in the total collapse of Tory support. Alan then sells the information about oil supplies to Labour and the Liberal DemocratsLiberal DemocratsThe Liberal Democrats are a social liberal political party in the United Kingdom which supports constitutional and electoral reform, progressive taxation, wealth taxation, human rights laws, cultural liberalism, banking reform and civil liberties .The party was formed in 1988 by a merger of the...
, and they too begin running deliberately awful campaigns, causing support for all parties to crater. Soon, the news that the oil will shortly run out is leaked to the media, and the election is called off as sharesShare (finance)A joint stock company divides its capital into units of equal denomination. Each unit is called a share. These units are offered for sale to raise capital. This is termed as issuing shares. A person who buys share/shares of the company is called a shareholder, and by acquiring share or shares in...
in oil companies hit an all-time low. But just as quickly, the crisis passes, as Professor Quail admits to the media that he had made a mistake, and the oil is not running out after all. It is revealed that the whole thing was orchestrated by Alan from the beginning: he blackmailBlackmailIn common usage, blackmail is a crime involving threats to reveal substantially true or false information about a person to the public, a family member, or associates unless a demand is met. It may be defined as coercion involving threats of physical harm, threat of criminal prosecution, or threats...
ed Quail into changing his predictions, shorted the oil companies' stock before the crash, then bought up all the shares at the new low price before the truth was revealed. Quail takes a £1 million payoff for his part in the scheme, and Alan is now secretly one of the richest men in England. - Let Them Sniff Cake (January 20, 1991) - While appearing on a TV talk showTalk showA talk show or chat show is a television program or radio program where one person discuss various topics put forth by a talk show host....
, Alan voices his enthusiastic support for animal testingAnimal testingAnimal testing, also known as animal experimentation, animal research, and in vivo testing, is the use of non-human animals in experiments. Worldwide it is estimated that the number of vertebrate animals—from zebrafish to non-human primates—ranges from the tens of millions to more than 100 million...
, particularly on rabbitRabbitRabbits are small mammals in the family Leporidae of the order Lagomorpha, found in several parts of the world...
s and other furry creatures, triggering a riotRiotA riot is a form of civil disorder characterized often by what is thought of as disorganized groups lashing out in a sudden and intense rash of violence against authority, property or people. While individuals may attempt to lead or control a riot, riots are thought to be typically chaotic and...
. Subsequently, Alan becomes the target of animal rightsAnimal rightsAnimal rights, also known as animal liberation, is the idea that the most basic interests of non-human animals should be afforded the same consideration as the similar interests of human beings...
activists, whose methods quickly escalate from protests to death threatDeath threatA death threat is a threat of death, often made anonymously, by one person or a group of people to kill another person or groups of people. These threats are usually designed to intimidate victims in order to manipulate their behavior, thus a death threat is a form of coercion...
s and finally to a drive-by shootingDrive-by shootingA drive-by shooting is a form of hit-and-run tactic, a personal attack carried out by an individual or individuals from a moving or momentarily stopped vehicle without use of headlights to avoid being noticed. It often results in bystanders being shot instead of, or as well as, the intended target...
of his office. Meanwhile, Alan is contacted by Lord Penistone, a stoner hereditary peerHereditary peerHereditary peers form part of the Peerage in the United Kingdom. There are over seven hundred peers who hold titles that may be inherited. Formerly, most of them were entitled to sit in the House of Lords, but since the House of Lords Act 1999 only ninety-two are permitted to do so...
who asks Alan to score him a kilogramKilogramThe kilogram or kilogramme , also known as the kilo, is the base unit of mass in the International System of Units and is defined as being equal to the mass of the International Prototype Kilogram , which is almost exactly equal to the mass of one liter of water...
of cocaineCocaineCocaine is a crystalline tropane alkaloid that is obtained from the leaves of the coca plant. The name comes from "coca" in addition to the alkaloid suffix -ine, forming cocaine. It is a stimulant of the central nervous system, an appetite suppressant, and a topical anesthetic...
for his birthday party. Alan at first refuses, until he realizes that the addled Lord has no idea what the street value of cocaine actually is, and he agrees to buy him the coke, which he claims now sells for £500 per gramGramThe gram is a metric system unit of mass....
. After taking the Lord's money, Alan refuses to leave the office for fear of being assassinated, and so sends Piers to make the buy. Piers gets lost, however, and ends up at a seedy boxingBoxingBoxing, also called pugilism, is a combat sport in which two people fight each other using their fists. Boxing is supervised by a referee over a series of between one to three minute intervals called rounds...
gymGymThe word γυμνάσιον was used in Ancient Greece, that mean a locality for both physical and intellectual education of young men...
, where he is robbed and beaten to within an inch of his life. Upon learning that his money is gone, Penistone becomes violent and has to be bought off with the keys to Alan's Rolls-Royce CornicheRolls-Royce CornicheThe Corniche was Rolls-Royce's coupé and convertible version of the Silver Shadow produced between 1971 and 1996. The Corniche was named "Silver Shadow Mulliner Park Ward two door fixed head coupé " from 1966 until 1971 when the Corniche name was applied. The exterior design was by John Polwhele...
, which leads to his demise when he triggers a car bombCar bombA car bomb, or truck bomb also known as a Vehicle Borne Improvised Explosive Device , is an improvised explosive device placed in a car or other vehicle and then detonated. It is commonly used as a weapon of assassination, terrorism, or guerrilla warfare, to kill the occupants of the vehicle,...
intended for Alan. Returning home, Alan learns that the bombers have been captured, but also discovers that Sarah was actually the one behind the threats and the drive-by shooting; it was all part of her plan to shake him downExtortionExtortion is a criminal offence which occurs when a person unlawfully obtains either money, property or services from a person, entity, or institution, through coercion. Refraining from doing harm is sometimes euphemistically called protection. Extortion is commonly practiced by organized crime...
for £40,000 to buy a fur coatFur clothingFur clothing is clothing made of the fur of animals. Fur is one of the oldest forms of clothing; thought to have been widely used as hominids first expanded outside of Africa. Some view fur as luxurious and warm; others reject it due to moral beliefs...
once owned by Greta GarboGreta GarboGreta Garbo , born Greta Lovisa Gustafsson, was a Swedish film actress. Garbo was an international star and icon during Hollywood's silent and classic periods. Many of Garbo's films were sensational hits, and all but three were profitable...
. Rather than being angry, Alan is aroused, and uses his skills to con Sotheby'sSotheby'sSotheby's is the world's fourth oldest auction house in continuous operation.-History:The oldest auction house in operation is the Stockholms Auktionsverk founded in 1674, the second oldest is Göteborgs Auktionsverk founded in 1681 and third oldest being founded in 1731, all Swedish...
out of the coat for her. - Keeping Mum (January 27, 1991) - Alan is in a bad mood after learning that, upon the death of Piers' father, his lackey is now a baronetBaronetA baronet or the rare female equivalent, a baronetess , is the holder of a hereditary baronetcy awarded by the British Crown...
and a multi-millionaireMillionaireA millionaire is an individual whose net worth or wealth is equal to or exceeds one million units of currency. It can also be a person who owns one million units of currency in a bank account or savings account...
, but he cheers himself up by passing an amendment to the Government's social securitySocial securitySocial security is primarily a social insurance program providing social protection or protection against socially recognized conditions, including poverty, old age, disability, unemployment and others. Social security may refer to:...
bill to cut off all Basic State PensionBasic state pensionThe Basic State Pension , is part of the United Kingdom Government pension arrangement, alongside the Graduated Retirement Benefit and State Earnings-Related Pension Scheme .- Background :...
s to the elderly, a move that causes hundreds of retirement homeRetirement homeA retirement home is a multi-residence housing facility intended for senior citizens. Typically each person or couple in the home has an apartment-style room or suite of rooms. Additional facilities are provided within the building, including facilities for meals, gathering, recreation, and some...
s to close, as residents will no longer be able to pay. His good mood is shattered, however, when his mother, a destitute and senileDementiaDementia is a serious loss of cognitive ability in a previously unimpaired person, beyond what might be expected from normal aging...
old homelessHomelessnessHomelessness describes the condition of people without a regular dwelling. People who are homeless are unable or unwilling to acquire and maintain regular, safe, and adequate housing, or lack "fixed, regular, and adequate night-time residence." The legal definition of "homeless" varies from country...
woman, arrives on his doorstep expecting him to care for her, as he suggested should be done when arguing for his amendment. Alan plans to throw her out, but relents when Piers threatens to report his actions to the media. After his mother ruins a dinner party he threw for the DukeDuke of YorkThe Duke of York is a title of nobility in the British peerage. Since the 15th century, it has, when granted, usually been given to the second son of the British monarch. The title has been created a remarkable eleven times, eight as "Duke of York" and three as the double-barreled "Duke of York and...
and Duchess of YorkDuchess of YorkDuchess of York is the principal courtesy title held by the wife of the Duke of York. The title is gained with marriage alone and is forfeited upon divorce. Four of the twelve Dukes of York did not marry or had already assumed the throne prior to marriage, therefore there have only ever been eleven...
, however, he attempts to kill her, but she foils him and reveals that she is neither senile nor homeless, but is instead the wealthy owner of a retirement home, which is threatened by her son's amendment. She demands a payment of £250,000 or she will continue to live with him forever. Alan agrees to pay, but also prepares a terrible revenge: he arranges for Piers' mother, whose recent widowWidowA widow is a woman whose spouse has died, while a widower is a man whose spouse has died. The state of having lost one's spouse to death is termed widowhood or occasionally viduity. The adjective form is widowed...
ing has turned her into a pyromaniaPyromaniaPyromania in more extreme circumstances can be an impulse control disorder to deliberately start fires to relieve tension or for gratification or relief. The term pyromania comes from the Greek word πῦρ . Pyromania and pyromaniacs are distinct from arson, the pursuit of personal, monetary or...
c, to become his mother's newest resident, makes sure that she will be housed in a room panelledPanellingPanelling is a wall covering constructed from rigid or semi-rigid components. These are traditionally interlocking wood, but could be plastic or other materials....
in oakOakAn oak is a tree or shrub in the genus Quercus , of which about 600 species exist. "Oak" may also appear in the names of species in related genera, notably Lithocarpus...
and containing a working coalCoalCoal is a combustible black or brownish-black sedimentary rock usually occurring in rock strata in layers or veins called coal beds or coal seams. The harder forms, such as anthracite coal, can be regarded as metamorphic rock because of later exposure to elevated temperature and pressure...
fire, and presents her with a new nightgownNightgownA nightgown is a loosely hanging item of nightwear. Nowadays the term is almost exclusively applied to women's nightwear. A nightgown is typically made from cotton, silk, satin, or nylon...
soaked in paraffinParaffinIn chemistry, paraffin is a term that can be used synonymously with "alkane", indicating hydrocarbons with the general formula CnH2n+2. Paraffin wax refers to a mixture of alkanes that falls within the 20 ≤ n ≤ 40 range; they are found in the solid state at room temperature and begin to enter the...
before she goes. - Natural Selection (February 3, 1991) - While holding a cocktail partyCocktail partyA cocktail party is a party where cocktails are served. Women may choose to wear what has become known as a cocktail dress.Although many believe the inventor of the cocktail party to be Alec Waugh of London, who in 1924 found a need for this pleasant interlude before a dinner party, an article in...
for some of the wealthier people in his constituency, Alan receives shocking news: after years of neglecting his constituents—refusing to answer their letters or meet with them, and never holding surgeriesSurgery (politics)A political surgery or clinic is a term used to describe a series of one-to-one meetings. A Member of Parliament may have with his or her constituents, at which a constituent may raise issues of local concern...
-- he has been deselectedPreselectionPreselection is the process by which a candidate is selected, usually by a political party, to contest an election for political office. It is also referred to as candidate selection. It is a fundamental function of political parties...
as the Tory candidate for Haltemprice. The new candidate is Ken Price, the wealthy owner of a local constructionConstructionIn the fields of architecture and civil engineering, construction is a process that consists of the building or assembling of infrastructure. Far from being a single activity, large scale construction is a feat of human multitasking...
company who, in the next few days, will be presenting his company's IPOInitial public offeringAn initial public offering or stock market launch, is the first sale of stock by a private company to the public. It can be used by either small or large companies to raise expansion capital and become publicly traded enterprises...
and stands to make £50 million. To make matters worse, Sarah has fallen for Ken and begun an affair with him. Seeking to destroy Price utterly, Alan throws Piers from a trainTrainA train is a connected series of vehicles for rail transport that move along a track to transport cargo or passengers from one place to another place. The track usually consists of two rails, but might also be a monorail or maglev guideway.Propulsion for the train is provided by a separate...
and steals his invaluable stamp collection, which he uses to get in the good graces of Julian Whitaker, a junior minister with the Treasury who is an ardent philatelistStamp collectingStamp collecting is the collecting of postage stamps and related objects. It is one of the world's most popular hobbies, with the number of collectors in the United States alone estimated to be over 20 million.- Collecting :...
. He then manipulates Whitaker and a local TV reporter to create the false impression that Whitaker has convinced the Chancellor of the ExchequerChancellor of the ExchequerThe Chancellor of the Exchequer is the title held by the British Cabinet minister who is responsible for all economic and financial matters. Often simply called the Chancellor, the office-holder controls HM Treasury and plays a role akin to the posts of Minister of Finance or Secretary of the...
to abolish MIRASMortgage Interest Relief At SourceMortgage Interest Relief at Source, or MIRAS, was a scheme introduced in the United Kingdom by Chancellor of the Exchequer Roy Jenkins in 1969 in a bid to encourage home ownership; it allowed borrowers tax relief for interest payments on their mortgage....
, which would destroy the value of Price's business when he goes public. Having set the stage for Price's downfall, he bribes Sarah to arrange for Price's fiancee to find the two of them having sex shortly before the report of the MIRAS repeal airs. Thinking that he has lost both his business and his fiancee simultaneously, Price commits suicideSuicideSuicide is the act of intentionally causing one's own death. Suicide is often committed out of despair or attributed to some underlying mental disorder, such as depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, alcoholism, or drug abuse...
, hanging himself from a staircase. Alan subsequently celebrates his victory by selling Piers back his own stamp collection, claiming that he had purchased the stamps for him while he was recuperating from his injuries. - Profit of Boom (February 10, 1991) - Alan is visiting the Soviet UnionSoviet UnionThe Soviet Union , officially the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics , was a constitutionally socialist state that existed in Eurasia between 1922 and 1991....
to deliver a series of lectureLecturethumb|A lecture on [[linear algebra]] at the [[Helsinki University of Technology]]A lecture is an oral presentation intended to present information or teach people about a particular subject, for example by a university or college teacher. Lectures are used to convey critical information, history,...
s on the virtues of capitalismCapitalismCapitalism is an economic system that became dominant in the Western world following the demise of feudalism. There is no consensus on the precise definition nor on how the term should be used as a historical category...
when he is contacted by Colonel Gromyko, head of the KGBKGBThe KGB was the commonly used acronym for the . It was the national security agency of the Soviet Union from 1954 until 1991, and was the premier internal security, intelligence, and secret police organization during that time.The State Security Agency of the Republic of Belarus currently uses the...
, and Freddy Ogilvy, director of MI6Secret Intelligence ServiceThe Secret Intelligence Service is responsible for supplying the British Government with foreign intelligence. Alongside the internal Security Service , the Government Communications Headquarters and the Defence Intelligence , it operates under the formal direction of the Joint Intelligence...
. The two reveal that they wish to reignite the Cold WarCold WarThe Cold War was the continuing state from roughly 1946 to 1991 of political conflict, military tension, proxy wars, and economic competition between the Communist World—primarily the Soviet Union and its satellite states and allies—and the powers of the Western world, primarily the United States...
in order to have their budgetBudgetA budget is a financial plan and a list of all planned expenses and revenues. It is a plan for saving, borrowing and spending. A budget is an important concept in microeconomics, which uses a budget line to illustrate the trade-offs between two or more goods...
s restored, and they believe that Alan is the man to do it. He agrees, in exchange for a payment of £100 million, to assassinate Mikhail GorbachevMikhail GorbachevMikhail Sergeyevich Gorbachev is a former Soviet statesman, having served as General Secretary of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union from 1985 until 1991, and as the last head of state of the USSR, having served from 1988 until its dissolution in 1991...
. The job is eased considerably by the fact that Piers, a member of the board of directors of an Anglo-Russian charityCharitable organizationA charitable organization is a type of non-profit organization . It differs from other types of NPOs in that it centers on philanthropic goals A charitable organization is a type of non-profit organization (NPO). It differs from other types of NPOs in that it centers on philanthropic goals A...
, is also in MoscowMoscowMoscow is the capital, the most populous city, and the most populous federal subject of Russia. The city is a major political, economic, cultural, scientific, religious, financial, educational, and transportation centre of Russia and the continent...
and scheduled to meet with Gorbachev. Alan coerces Piers into getting him an invitation, and arrives bearing a commemorative plaqueCommemorative plaqueA commemorative plaque, or simply plaque, is a plate of metal, ceramic, stone, wood, or other material, typically attached to a wall, stone, or other vertical surface, and bearing text in memory of an important figure or event...
for Gorbachev containing a time bombTime bombA time bomb is a bomb whose detonation is triggered by a timer. The use time bombs has been for various purposes ranging from insurance fraud to warfare to assassination; however, the most common use has been for politically-motivated terrorism.-Construction:The explosive charge is the main...
. After a pre-arranged scuffle with some of Gromyko's guards, Alan refuses to attend and convinces Piers to present the plaque in his stead. Alan goes off to collect his payment, which is hidden inside the preserved body of LeninVladimir LeninVladimir Ilyich Lenin was a Russian Marxist revolutionary and communist politician who led the October Revolution of 1917. As leader of the Bolsheviks, he headed the Soviet state during its initial years , as it fought to establish control of Russia in the Russian Civil War and worked to create a...
(which is actually a wax figure), but Piers arrives unexpectedly, revealing that he has forgotten to present the plaque. Alan and Piers escape the tomb, but the bomb destroys the bearer bondBearer bondA bearer bond is a debt security issued by a business entity, such as a corporation, or by a government. It differs from the more common types of investment securities in that it is unregistered – no records are kept of the owner, or the transactions involving ownership. Whoever physically...
s that comprised Alan's fee, and an innocent person is killed. Alan and Piers are convicted and sentenced to 100 years' hard labourPenal labourPenal labour is a form of unfree labour in which prisoners perform work, typically manual labour. The work may be light or hard, depending on the context. Forms of sentence which involve penal labour include penal servitude and imprisonment with hard labour...
in SiberiaSiberiaSiberia is an extensive region constituting almost all of Northern Asia. Comprising the central and eastern portion of the Russian Federation, it was part of the Soviet Union from its beginning, as its predecessor states, the Tsardom of Russia and the Russian Empire, conquered it during the 16th...
. Sarah soon arrives with Ogilvy, who has arranged release papers for one of them. Alan assumes that it is him, but she has actually come for Piers. A broken Alan asks Sarah why she is doing this, to which she replies, "Because I can." The series ends with Sarah and Piers driving off and a solitary Alan standing freezing in the snowSnowSnow is a form of precipitation within the Earth's atmosphere in the form of crystalline water ice, consisting of a multitude of snowflakes that fall from clouds. Since snow is composed of small ice particles, it is a granular material. It has an open and therefore soft structure, unless packed by...
as the closing creditsClosing creditsClosing credits or end credits are added at the end of a motion picture, television program, or video game to list the cast and crew involved in the production. They usually appear as a list of names in small type, which either flip very quickly from page to page, or move smoothly across the...
roll silently.
Series 4
- Back from the Mort (November 22, 1992) - Three years after the events of "Profit of Boom", Alan secures his release from the gulagGulagThe Gulag was the government agency that administered the main Soviet forced labor camp systems. While the camps housed a wide range of convicts, from petty criminals to political prisoners, large numbers were convicted by simplified procedures, such as NKVD troikas and other instruments of...
and returns to England to a hero's welcome. He soon discovers, however, that all is not well: he has been replaced as MP for Haltemprice; Sarah has had him declared deadDeath in absentiaDeath in absentia is a legal declaration that a person is deceased in the absence of remains attributable to that person...
, made off with his money, and is now engaged to Count Otto Von Munchweiller, a DanishDenmarkDenmark is a Scandinavian country in Northern Europe. The countries of Denmark and Greenland, as well as the Faroe Islands, constitute the Kingdom of Denmark . It is the southernmost of the Nordic countries, southwest of Sweden and south of Norway, and bordered to the south by Germany. Denmark...
noblemanNobilityNobility is a social class which possesses more acknowledged privileges or eminence than members of most other classes in a society, membership therein typically being hereditary. The privileges associated with nobility may constitute substantial advantages over or relative to non-nobles, or may be...
and MEPMember of the European ParliamentA Member of the European Parliament is a person who has been elected to the European Parliament. The name of MEPs differ in different languages, with terms such as europarliamentarian or eurodeputy being common in Romance language-speaking areas.When the European Parliament was first established,...
for East Germany; and his patron Sir Greville lost his seat in Parliament in the last election. He suggests that Sir Greville force Piers out of his seat by getting him named to the House of LordsHouse of LordsThe House of Lords is the upper house of the Parliament of the United Kingdom. Like the House of Commons, it meets in the Palace of Westminster....
and then win the seat for himself in a by-electionBy-electionA by-election is an election held to fill a political office that has become vacant between regularly scheduled elections....
, but Piers—now a new father and next in line to be Chancellor of the ExchequerChancellor of the ExchequerThe Chancellor of the Exchequer is the title held by the British Cabinet minister who is responsible for all economic and financial matters. Often simply called the Chancellor, the office-holder controls HM Treasury and plays a role akin to the posts of Minister of Finance or Secretary of the...
-- refuses...until Alan threatens the child's life. Once Greville is reinstated, the Prime Minister appoints him Secretary of StateSecretary of State (United Kingdom)In the United Kingdom, a Secretary of State is a Cabinet Minister in charge of a Government Department ....
for European Affairs, and he arranges for Piers to be named as the new European CommissionEuropean CommissionThe European Commission is the executive body of the European Union. The body is responsible for proposing legislation, implementing decisions, upholding the Union's treaties and the general day-to-day running of the Union....
er for Internal Relations as a payoff for his cooperation. Alan—discovering simultaneously that he cannot avenge himself on Sarah as long as Otto is around and that the European Economic CommunityEuropean Economic CommunityThe European Economic Community The European Economic Community (EEC) The European Economic Community (EEC) (also known as the Common Market in the English-speaking world, renamed the European Community (EC) in 1993The information in this article primarily covers the EEC's time as an independent...
is (in his words) "a comatose chicken waiting to be plucked" -- arranges to have a BoliviaBoliviaBolivia officially known as Plurinational State of Bolivia , is a landlocked country in central South America. It is the poorest country in South America...
n death squadDeath squadA death squad is an armed military, police, insurgent, or terrorist squad that conducts extrajudicial killings, assassinations, and forced disappearances of persons as part of a war, insurgency or terror campaign...
decapitateDecapitationDecapitation is the separation of the head from the body. Beheading typically refers to the act of intentional decapitation, e.g., as a means of murder or execution; it may be accomplished, for example, with an axe, sword, knife, wire, or by other more sophisticated means such as a guillotine...
Otto in bed while Sarah sleeps beside him. Upon discovering this, she goes into shockAcute stress reactionAcute stress reaction is a psychological condition arising in response to a terrifying or traumatic event...
, which allows Alan to sneak into her hospital room and force her to sign over all her assets to him. As the episode closes, he is planning to stand in the by-election for Otto's seat in East Germany and expects to be elected unopposed...once the SDPSocial Democratic Party of GermanyThe Social Democratic Party of Germany is a social-democratic political party in Germany...
candidate has an unfortunate "accident" down a mineshaftShaft miningShaft mining or shaft sinking refers to the method of excavating a vertical or near-vertical tunnel from the top down, where there is initially no access to the bottom....
. - H*A*S*H (November 29, 1992) - Alan, now MEP for the constituency of Obersaxony, is approached by his old patron Sir Greville with a proposition: Sir Greville, acting in the employ of Big TobaccoBig TobaccoBig Tobacco is a pejorative term often applied to the tobacco industry in general, or more particularly to the "big three" tobacco corporations in the United States: Philip Morris , Reynolds American and Lorillard...
, wishes for Alan to manipulate Piers into getting the European Commission to legalize cannabisCannabisCannabis is a genus of flowering plants that includes three putative species, Cannabis sativa, Cannabis indica, and Cannabis ruderalis. These three taxa are indigenous to Central Asia, and South Asia. Cannabis has long been used for fibre , for seed and seed oils, for medicinal purposes, and as a...
, which the tobaccoTobaccoTobacco is an agricultural product processed from the leaves of plants in the genus Nicotiana. It can be consumed, used as a pesticide and, in the form of nicotine tartrate, used in some medicines...
companies will then make a fortune on. Alan agrees...in exchange for a payment of £5 million per annum (indexed to inflationInflationIn economics, inflation is a rise in the general level of prices of goods and services in an economy over a period of time.When the general price level rises, each unit of currency buys fewer goods and services. Consequently, inflation also reflects an erosion in the purchasing power of money – a...
). Meanwhile, Alan discovers that Sarah is now working as a high-priced call girlCall girlA call girl or female escort is a sex worker who is not visible to the general public; nor does she usually work in an institution like a brothel, although she may be employed by an escort agency...
servicing a variety of European bigwigs. In exchange for her agreement to stop (and to not spread it around BrusselsBrusselsBrussels , officially the Brussels Region or Brussels-Capital Region , is the capital of Belgium and the de facto capital of the European Union...
that she was driven to prostitutionProstitutionProstitution is the act or practice of providing sexual services to another person in return for payment. The person who receives payment for sexual services is called a prostitute and the person who receives such services is known by a multitude of terms, including a "john". Prostitution is one of...
by his alleged impotence), Alan pays her a lump sum of £600,000 and arranges to have her become Piers' new chief of staffChief of StaffThe title, chief of staff, identifies the leader of a complex organization, institution, or body of persons and it also may identify a Principal Staff Officer , who is the coordinator of the supporting staff or a primary aide to an important individual, such as a president.In general, a chief of...
. Alan soon manages to turn this to his advantage by arranging for Sarah to seduceSeductionIn social science, seduction is the process of deliberately enticing a person to engage. The word seduction stems from Latin and means literally "to lead astray". As a result, the term may have a positive or negative connotation...
the entire membership of the Commission (save for Piers) and persuade them to back legalization, but soon wishes he hadn't when he is abducted by members of the MafiaMafiaThe Mafia is a criminal syndicate that emerged in the mid-nineteenth century in Sicily, Italy. It is a loose association of criminal groups that share a common organizational structure and code of conduct, and whose common enterprise is protection racketeering...
, who threaten to kill him if he doesn't torpedo the legalization vote. Seeing no alternative, Alan attends the next meeting of the Commission and unveils PolaroidInstant filmInstant film is a type of photographic film first introduced by Polaroid that is designed to be used in an instant camera...
photos of Sarah in flagrante delictoIn flagrante delictoIn flagrante delicto or sometimes simply in flagrante is a legal term used to indicate that a criminal has been caught in the act of committing an offence...
with each and every member of the Commission (again, save for Piers). The Commission votes unanimously against legalization. Now out the £5 million from Big Tobacco, Alan experiences the final twist of the knife when he discovers that the goons who threatened him are not really drug kingpins, but were hired by Sarah to help her get revenge on him. After giving him one last kick in the testicleTesticleThe testicle is the male gonad in animals. Like the ovaries to which they are homologous, testes are components of both the reproductive system and the endocrine system...
s, she declares them "even." - Speaking in Tongues (December 6, 1992) - After being forced to translate a pornographic magazinePornographic magazinePornographic magazines, sometimes known as adult magazines, sex magazines or top-shelf magazines are pornographic magazines that contain content of a sexual nature. Adult magazines are mainly aimed towards men, and in some parts of the world, many men's first sight of a naked woman has been in an...
for him, the head of the European ParliamentEuropean ParliamentThe European Parliament is the directly elected parliamentary institution of the European Union . Together with the Council of the European Union and the Commission, it exercises the legislative function of the EU and it has been described as one of the most powerful legislatures in the world...
's simultaneous translationInterpretingLanguage interpretation is the facilitating of oral or sign-language communication, either simultaneously or consecutively, between users of different languages...
department informs Alan that he will no longer have the translators' cooperation on anything ever again. Shortly thereafter, Alan is approached by Emilda Kleist, the other MEP for Obersaxony and the leader of the East German Green PartyEast German Green PartyThe Green Party in East Germany was founded in February 1990. At the first free Volkskammer elections it stood with the Independent Women's Association and received 2.0% of the vote. They received 8 seats but could not resolve how to allocate them...
, who asks him to become the final German MEP to sign off on the route for the new autobahn, which will connect East and West for the first time. Although every other MEP has agreed that the new route should be located through an industrial wastelandBrownfield landBrownfield sites are abandoned or underused industrial and commercial facilities available for re-use. Expansion or redevelopment of such a facility may be complicated by real or perceived environmental contaminations. Cf. Waste...
, Alan (naturally) insists that it should instead be built straight through a tract of unspoiled forestForestA forest, also referred to as a wood or the woods, is an area with a high density of trees. As with cities, depending where you are in the world, what is considered a forest may vary significantly in size and have various classification according to how and what of the forest is composed...
. After she leaves in a huff, Alan, seeing profit potential in the two seemingly unrelated developments, sets to plotting. He manipulates Piers into relocating the entire translation staff to an office park in the East German slumSlumA slum, as defined by United Nations agency UN-HABITAT, is a run-down area of a city characterized by substandard housing and squalor and lacking in tenure security. According to the United Nations, the percentage of urban dwellers living in slums decreased from 47 percent to 37 percent in the...
where the autobahn is planned to be built, causing the translators to threaten to strikeStrike actionStrike action, also called labour strike, on strike, greve , or simply strike, is a work stoppage caused by the mass refusal of employees to work. A strike usually takes place in response to employee grievances. Strikes became important during the industrial revolution, when mass labour became...
, a threat they carry out when they discover the office park is actually a scale modelScale modelA scale model is a physical model, a representation or copy of an object that is larger or smaller than the actual size of the object, which seeks to maintain the relative proportions of the physical size of the original object. Very often the scale model is used as a guide to making the object in...
. With the translators out on strike, Alan persuades Piers to order the installation of an experimental universal translatorUniversal translatorA universal translator is a device common to many science fiction works, especially on television. First described in Murray Leinster's 1945 novella "First Contact", the translator's purpose is to offer an instant translation of any language...
(in exchange for a hefty bribe from its creator, of course). The new system turns out to be hopelessly buggy, however, and Alan delivers a speech to the European Parliament calling for EnglishEnglish languageEnglish is a West Germanic language that arose in the Anglo-Saxon kingdoms of England and spread into what was to become south-east Scotland under the influence of the Anglian medieval kingdom of Northumbria...
to be adopted as the EEC's official languageOfficial languageAn official language is a language that is given a special legal status in a particular country, state, or other jurisdiction. Typically a nation's official language will be the one used in that nation's courts, parliament and administration. However, official status can also be used to give a...
, a position that sends his popularity at home skyrocketing. Piers manages to persuade the translators to come back to work, but does so by using the translator program to accidentally offer them all promotionsPromotion (rank)A promotion is the advancement of an employee's rank or position in an organizational hierarchy system. Promotion may be an employee's reward for good performance i.e. positive appraisal...
and a vacation in the SeychellesSeychellesSeychelles , officially the Republic of Seychelles , is an island country spanning an archipelago of 115 islands in the Indian Ocean, some east of mainland Africa, northeast of the island of Madagascar....
, and he now fears for his job. Alan persuades him that he can get back into everyone's good graces by signing off on the new autobahn route, a decision that was delayed for a week by the translator strike. Convinced that his decision will save the EEC millions of pounds, Piers authorizes construction to begin through the tract of forest...only to discover that Alan has already purchased it all under a false name, and now intends to charge through the nose for it. - Heil and Farewell (December 13, 1992) - Having arranged for Nicolae Ceauşescu, Jr.Nicolae CeausescuNicolae Ceaușescu was a Romanian Communist politician. He was General Secretary of the Romanian Communist Party from 1965 to 1989, and as such was the country's second and last Communist leader...
to sneak into GermanyGermanyGermany , officially the Federal Republic of Germany , is a federal parliamentary republic in Europe. The country consists of 16 states while the capital and largest city is Berlin. Germany covers an area of 357,021 km2 and has a largely temperate seasonal climate...
amongst a group of refugeeRefugeeA refugee is a person who outside her country of origin or habitual residence because she has suffered persecution on account of race, religion, nationality, political opinion, or because she is a member of a persecuted 'social group'. Such a person may be referred to as an 'asylum seeker' until...
s in exchange for half of a hidden treasure valued at $50 million, Alan finds his scheme imperiled when hundreds of neo-NazisNeo-NazismNeo-Nazism consists of post-World War II social or political movements seeking to revive Nazism or some variant thereof.The term neo-Nazism can also refer to the ideology of these movements....
begin to riotRiotA riot is a form of civil disorder characterized often by what is thought of as disorganized groups lashing out in a sudden and intense rash of violence against authority, property or people. While individuals may attempt to lead or control a riot, riots are thought to be typically chaotic and...
and lay siegeSiegeA siege is a military blockade of a city or fortress with the intent of conquering by attrition or assault. The term derives from sedere, Latin for "to sit". Generally speaking, siege warfare is a form of constant, low intensity conflict characterized by one party holding a strong, static...
to the hostelHostelHostels provide budget oriented, sociable accommodation where guests can rent a bed, usually a bunk bed, in a dormitory and share a bathroom, lounge and sometimes a kitchen. Rooms can be mixed or single-sex, although private rooms may also be available...
where the refugees are being housed. Sensing opportunity for greater profit, Alan forces Piers to join him in infiltrating the neo-Nazis' headquarters, where Piers delivers a rousing speech proposing Alan as the group's new führerFührerFührer , alternatively spelled Fuehrer in both English and German when the umlaut is not available, is a German title meaning leader or guide now most associated with Adolf Hitler, who modelled it on Benito Mussolini's title il Duce, as well as with Georg von Schönerer, whose followers also...
. Although the membership likes the idea, the incumbent nixes it and shows Alan the door. Emilda Kleist, meanwhile, has followed Alan to the meeting and, thinking that he legitimately wishes to become a dictatorDictatorshipA dictatorship is defined as an autocratic form of government in which the government is ruled by an individual, the dictator. It has three possible meanings:...
, begins to plan his assassination, and enlists the aid of Sarah in the plot. Back at his office, Alan contacts RussiaRussiaRussia or , officially known as both Russia and the Russian Federation , is a country in northern Eurasia. It is a federal semi-presidential republic, comprising 83 federal subjects...
n President Boris YeltsinBoris YeltsinBoris Nikolayevich Yeltsin was the first President of the Russian Federation, serving from 1991 to 1999.Originally a supporter of Mikhail Gorbachev, Yeltsin emerged under the perestroika reforms as one of Gorbachev's most powerful political opponents. On 29 May 1990 he was elected the chairman of...
and buys (for the sum of six American dollarsUnited States dollarThe United States dollar , also referred to as the American dollar, is the official currency of the United States of America. It is divided into 100 smaller units called cents or pennies....
) the cryonicallyCryonicsCryonics is the low-temperature preservation of humans and animals who can no longer be sustained by contemporary medicine, with the hope that healing and resuscitation may be possible in the future. Cryopreservation of people or large animals is not reversible with current technology...
-preserved penisPenisThe penis is a biological feature of male animals including both vertebrates and invertebrates...
of Adolf HitlerAdolf HitlerAdolf Hitler was an Austrian-born German politician and the leader of the National Socialist German Workers Party , commonly referred to as the Nazi Party). He was Chancellor of Germany from 1933 to 1945, and head of state from 1934 to 1945...
. Returning to the neo-Nazis' hideaway (now in full stormtrooperSturmabteilungThe Sturmabteilung functioned as a paramilitary organization of the National Socialist German Workers' Party . It played a key role in Adolf Hitler's rise to power in the 1920s and 1930s...
regalia), Alan delivers a spellbinding speech and reveals the penis, which is identified as genuine by Colonel Wessell, a former member of Hitler's personal guard. Claiming to have purchased the penis for $10 million, Alan further states that he can get the entire rest of the body for a further $40 million, leading Wessell, who reveals himself as the guardian of Hitler's hidden treasure vaultBank vaultA bank vault is a secure space where money, valuables, records, and documents can be stored. It is intended to protect their contents from theft, unauthorized use, fire, natural disasters, and other threats, just like a safe...
, to rush off to procure the money. Having won the group's trust, Alan "reveals" that the refugees they are rioting against have been secretly moved from their hostel to a luxury hotel, and orders that they attack it at once. This attack, actually against the hotel where the IsraelIsraelThe State of Israel is a parliamentary republic located in the Middle East, along the eastern shore of the Mediterranean Sea...
i Defense Minister is staying, leaves more than 700 people dead, but clears the rioters away from the refugee hostel. It is at this point, however, that Piers discover a bombBombA bomb is any of a range of explosive weapons that only rely on the exothermic reaction of an explosive material to provide an extremely sudden and violent release of energy...
planted amongst Alan's belongings by Sarah and Kleist. Although Alan and Piers escape in the nick of time, the device kills the entire rest of the Nazis. Collecting Ceauşescu, Alan heads for the SwissSwitzerlandSwitzerland name of one of the Swiss cantons. ; ; ; or ), in its full name the Swiss Confederation , is a federal republic consisting of 26 cantons, with Bern as the seat of the federal authorities. The country is situated in Western Europe,Or Central Europe depending on the definition....
bankBankA bank is a financial institution that serves as a financial intermediary. The term "bank" may refer to one of several related types of entities:...
where the treasure is kept. Once there, he encounters Wessell and discovers that the Nazi treasure and the RomaniaRomaniaRomania is a country located at the crossroads of Central and Southeastern Europe, on the Lower Danube, within and outside the Carpathian arch, bordering on the Black Sea...
n treasure are one and the same, having been captured by the Red ArmyRed ArmyThe Workers' and Peasants' Red Army started out as the Soviet Union's revolutionary communist combat groups during the Russian Civil War of 1918-1922. It grew into the national army of the Soviet Union. By the 1930s the Red Army was among the largest armies in history.The "Red Army" name refers to...
during the Battle of BerlinBattle of BerlinThe Battle of Berlin, designated the Berlin Strategic Offensive Operation by the Soviet Union, was the final major offensive of the European Theatre of World War II....
. As Wessell and Ceauşescu fight, Alan collects as much of the treasure as he can carry and seals them inside the vault, setting the time lockTime lockA time lock is a part of a locking mechanism commonly found in bank vaults and other high-security containers. The timelock is a timer designed to prevent the opening of the safe or vault until it reaches 0, even if the correct combination are known...
for 1999. Back at his home, he discovers Kleist and Sarah gloating over his "demise" and preparing a lesbianLesbianLesbian is a term most widely used in the English language to describe sexual and romantic desire between females. The word may be used as a noun, to refer to women who identify themselves or who are characterized by others as having the primary attribute of female homosexuality, or as an...
tryst, and offers them a pair of massive diamondDiamondIn mineralogy, diamond is an allotrope of carbon, where the carbon atoms are arranged in a variation of the face-centered cubic crystal structure called a diamond lattice. Diamond is less stable than graphite, but the conversion rate from diamond to graphite is negligible at ambient conditions...
s to have a threesomeThreesomeA threesome is a group of three engaged in the same activity. In relation to a sexual activity a threesome refer to the activity involving three people of any gender or sexual orientation...
with him. - A Bigger Splash (December 20, 1992) - Soon after purchasing Robert MaxwellRobert MaxwellIan Robert Maxwell MC was a Czechoslovakian-born British media proprietor and former Member of Parliament , who rose from poverty to build an extensive publishing empire...
's luxury yachtLuxury yachtThe term luxury yacht, “Superyacht” and "Large Yacht" refers to very expensive, privately owned yachts which are professionally crewed. Also known as a Super Yacht, a luxury yacht may be either a sailing or motor yacht.-History:...
, the Lady GhislaineLady Mona KLady Mona K is a luxury motor yacht built by Amels in 1986.-Design:Built in 1986 by Amels of Vlissingen, Netherlands, she was the first of numerous classic Jon Bannenberg designed super yachts. With a well-flared bow, lozenge-shaped ports, vertical windows and mullions, and handsomely sculpted...
, at auctionAuctionAn auction is a process of buying and selling goods or services by offering them up for bid, taking bids, and then selling the item to the highest bidder...
for £10 million, Alan announces that he will use the yacht to transport a cargo of humanitarian aidHumanitarian aidHumanitarian aid is material or logistical assistance provided for humanitarian purposes, typically in response to humanitarian crises including natural disaster and man-made disaster. The primary objective of humanitarian aid is to save lives, alleviate suffering, and maintain human dignity...
to war-torn HerzegovinaHerzegovinaHerzegovina is the southern region of Bosnia and Herzegovina. While there is no official border distinguishing it from the Bosnian region, it is generally accepted that the borders of the region are Croatia to the west, Montenegro to the south, the canton boundaries of the Herzegovina-Neretva...
, a move that will coincide with the beginning of Piers' peace conferencePeace conferenceA peace conference is a diplomatic meeting where representatives of certain states, armies, or other warring parties converge to end hostilities and sign a peace treaty....
between the region's two warring factions. Sarah suspects that the whole thing is one of Alan's faux charityCharity fraudCharity fraud is the act of using deception to get money from people who believe they are making donations to charities. Often a person or a group of people will make material representations that they are a charity or part of a charity and ask prospective donors for contributions to the...
scams, but the truth is much bigger: the presumed-dead Maxwell is really alive and well and hiding out in Bosnia with £500 million in stolen loot, and both the charity mission and the peace talks are a cover for Alan's plan to spirit him and his money to safety. Once in Herzegovina, the peace talks go badly, until Alan offers the leaders of the two factions each a £1 million bribe to agree to a one-hour-long ceasefireCeasefireA ceasefire is a temporary stoppage of a war in which each side agrees with the other to suspend aggressive actions. Ceasefires may be declared as part of a formal treaty, but they have also been called as part of an informal understanding between opposing forces...
in order to cover his escape, a proposition to which they both agree, although Alan is obliged to also trick an unwitting Piers into offering his sexual services to the SerbiaSerbiaSerbia , officially the Republic of Serbia , is a landlocked country located at the crossroads of Central and Southeast Europe, covering the southern part of the Carpathian basin and the central part of the Balkans...
n leader. Once the ceasefire is in effect, Alan decides to leave Maxwell behind and instead make off with the crate containing his stolen millions, but when he gets underway he learns that the old fraudster has scammed him: Maxwell, not the money, is inside the crate, and there never was any loot to be had. Alan is out the millions of pounds he spent on the yacht and the various bribes, but consoles himself by pushing the still-crated Maxwell into the ocean. - The Irresistible Rise of Alan B'Stard (December 26, 1992) - With the economic crisis in Britain showing no signs of stopping, Alan worries that he may lose his fortune for good, and so hatches his most audacious plot yet. He persuades Piers to issue a directive abolishing offshoreOffshore financial centreAn offshore financial centre , though not precisely defined, is usually a small, low-tax jurisdiction specializing in providing corporate and commercial services to non-resident offshore companies, and for the investment of offshore funds....
tax havenTax havenA tax haven is a state or a country or territory where certain taxes are levied at a low rate or not at all while offering due process, good governance and a low corruption rate....
s in the Channel IslandsChannel IslandsThe Channel Islands are an archipelago of British Crown Dependencies in the English Channel, off the French coast of Normandy. They include two separate bailiwicks: the Bailiwick of Guernsey and the Bailiwick of Jersey...
, a move that sends the Conservative PartyConservative Party (UK)The Conservative Party, formally the Conservative and Unionist Party, is a centre-right political party in the United Kingdom that adheres to the philosophies of conservatism and British unionism. It is the largest political party in the UK, and is currently the largest single party in the House...
into uproar, as the leadership's slush fundSlush fundA slush fund, colloquially, is an auxiliary monetary account or a reserve fund. However, in the context of corrupt dealings, such as those by governments or large corporations, a slush fund can have particular connotations of illegality, illegitimacy, or secrecy in regard to the use of this money...
s are threatened. A special party conferenceParty conferenceThe terms party conference , political convention , and party congress usually refer to a general meeting of a political party. The conference is attended by certain delegates who represent the party membership...
is called to vote on Conservative support for Britain's continued membership in the EEC, and a fiery speech from Alan leads to a decisive vote to leave. This precipitates a political crisis: John MajorJohn MajorSir John Major, is a British Conservative politician, who served as Prime Minister of the United Kingdom and Leader of the Conservative Party from 1990–1997...
resigns as Prime Minister, a snap electionSnap electionA snap election is an election called earlier than expected. Generally it refers to an election in a parliamentary system called when not required , usually to capitalize on a unique electoral opportunity or to decide a pressing issue...
is called, and the Conservatives split into two parties: the pro-European Progressive Federalist Party, led by Sir Greville, and the euroscepticEuroscepticismEuroscepticism is a general term used to describe criticism of the European Union , and opposition to the process of European integration, existing throughout the political spectrum. Traditionally, the main source of euroscepticism has been the notion that integration weakens the nation state...
New Patriotic Party, led by Alan. Opinion pollOpinion pollAn opinion poll, sometimes simply referred to as a poll is a survey of public opinion from a particular sample. Opinion polls are usually designed to represent the opinions of a population by conducting a series of questions and then extrapolating generalities in ratio or within confidence...
s show a likely coalition governmentCoalition governmentA coalition government is a cabinet of a parliamentary government in which several political parties cooperate. The usual reason given for this arrangement is that no party on its own can achieve a majority in the parliament...
between Sir Greville and the pro-European Labour PartyLabour Party (UK)The Labour Party is a centre-left democratic socialist party in the United Kingdom. It surpassed the Liberal Party in general elections during the early 1920s, forming minority governments under Ramsay MacDonald in 1924 and 1929-1931. The party was in a wartime coalition from 1940 to 1945, after...
, but Alan persuades Piers to introduce a proposal to ban trade unionTrade unionA trade union, trades union or labor union is an organization of workers that have banded together to achieve common goals such as better working conditions. The trade union, through its leadership, bargains with the employer on behalf of union members and negotiates labour contracts with...
s throughout the EEC, which splits the Labour Party into pro- and anti-European factions as well. With the election now too close to call on the eve of voting, Alan unveils his secret weapon: having arranged for a FrenchFranceThe French Republic , The French Republic , The French Republic , (commonly known as France , is a unitary semi-presidential republic in Western Europe with several overseas territories and islands located on other continents and in the Indian, Pacific, and Atlantic oceans. Metropolitan France...
film directorFilm directorA film director is a person who directs the actors and film crew in filmmaking. They control a film's artistic and dramatic nathan roach, while guiding the technical crew and actors.-Responsibilities:...
to be making a movie about the Falklands WarFalklands WarThe Falklands War , also called the Falklands Conflict or Falklands Crisis, was fought in 1982 between Argentina and the United Kingdom over the disputed Falkland Islands and South Georgia and the South Sandwich Islands...
in the Channel Islands, he phones in a false tip to the media that the French have invaded SarkSarkSark is a small island in the Channel Islands in southwestern English Channel, off the French coast of Normandy. It is a royal fief, geographically located in the Channel Islands in the Bailiwick of Guernsey, with its own set of laws based on Norman law and its own parliament. It has a population...
. The resulting backlash gives the New Patriotic Party a staggering two-to-one majority in Parliament (and also rescues Alan's portfolioPortfolio (finance)Portfolio is a financial term denoting a collection of investments held by an investment company, hedge fund, financial institution or individual.-Definition:The term portfolio refers to any collection of financial assets such as stocks, bonds and cash...
), but Alan, who had not bothered to stand for a seat in the election, is technically ineligible to be Prime Minister, a title that Paddy O'Rourke, Labour's alcoholicAlcoholismAlcoholism is a broad term for problems with alcohol, and is generally used to mean compulsive and uncontrolled consumption of alcoholic beverages, usually to the detriment of the drinker's health, personal relationships, and social standing...
leader, now claims for himself. Unfazed, Alan proclaims himself Lord ProtectorLord ProtectorLord Protector is a title used in British constitutional law for certain heads of state at different periods of history. It is also a particular title for the British Heads of State in respect to the established church...
, has Paddy arrested, and declares that Britain is now his "plaything," closing the series by sneeringly remarking that if Queen ElizabethElizabeth II of the United KingdomElizabeth II is the constitutional monarch of 16 sovereign states known as the Commonwealth realms: the United Kingdom, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, Jamaica, Barbados, the Bahamas, Grenada, Papua New Guinea, the Solomon Islands, Tuvalu, Saint Lucia, Saint Vincent and the Grenadines, Belize,...
wishes to meet with him, she will come to him.
Special
A B'Stard Exposed (December 30, 1994) - Alan B'Stard MP has returned to domestic Parliament following a Welsh by-election conspicuous by the absence of any opponents. They were found after polling day at the bottom of a coal mine. B'Stard is grilled by veteran broadcaster Brian WaldenBrian Walden
Alastair Brian Walden is a British journalist and broadcaster who was a Labour Member of Parliament for a decade. He is the father of actor Ben Walden....
and reveals his vision for 21st century Britain - including a proposal to construct a Berlin Wall
Berlin Wall
The Berlin Wall was a barrier constructed by the German Democratic Republic starting on 13 August 1961, that completely cut off West Berlin from surrounding East Germany and from East Berlin...
-inspired, thirty-feet high, electrified border control system named, 'B'Stard's Fence'. During the interview, Alan is also tricked into revealing his plans to create his own political party and later pays for Walden's silence.
Stage show
Episode 2006: The Blair B'Stard Project - Alan B'Stard has created New Labour after making billions on Black WednesdayBlack Wednesday
In politics and economics, Black Wednesday refers to the events of 16 September 1992 when the British Conservative government was forced to withdraw the pound sterling from the European Exchange Rate Mechanism after they were unable to keep it above its agreed lower limit...
, installing a failed singer as Prime Minister and secretly running the country from his bunker at number 9 Downing Street. The show sees Alan attempting to settle a divorce from his wife while playing Al-Qaeda and the Americans off each other in the hunt for weapons of mass destruction (which are being carefully hidden by Alan). Aided by his PPS Frank, the last socialist in the Labour Party and Flora, an ex-Young Conservative turned Blairite lackey, Alan arranges the fake kidnapping of Tony Blair and the ruining of Gordon Brown in order to place himself in ultimate power. The show ends with Alan being named Lord Protector with the declaration, "And Alan takes EVERYTHING".
ALAN B'STARD'S EXTREMELY SECRET WEAPON - The stage show returns, heavily re-written in late 2006, touring into 2007. Alan is plotting to become one of a shadowy elite of politicians who control the world's oil supplies.
No2AV
In 2011, the character of Alan B'Stard, again portrayed by Rik Mayall, was used in the campaign against introducing the AV system to UK Parliamentary elections, in an official television broadcast by NOtoAVNOtoAV
NOtoAV was a political campaign in the United Kingdom whose purpose was to persuade the public to vote against the Alternative Vote in the referendum on Thursday, 5 May 2011. NOtoAV was successful in maintaining the current voting system having received 67.9% of votes cast.-Parties in the House of...
. B'Stard appears as a party leader in the near future who, at a pre-general election conference, makes ridiculous promises to the public including the abolition of all taxes and free electricity. When his aides query how they will afford such policies, B'Stard gleefully explains that he won't have to, as when he gets elected, he can go into coalition and blame all the government's failings on his partners. He adds that under AV, even if people don't vote for him he'll probably be elected anyway. The advert ends with B'Stard entering Number 10 as Prime Minister, accompanied by another party leader, in a similar fashion to that of Conservative and Liberal Democrat leaders, David Cameron and Nick Clegg, a year earlier. The result of the public referendum
Results of the United Kingdom Alternative Vote referendum, 2011
-Results by regions:-Local results:Of the 440 counting areas, ten returned a majority in favour of the change...
was a resounding "no".
The Sunday Telegraph
Tying in with the original run of the stage show, British broadsheetBroadsheet
Broadsheet is the largest of the various newspaper formats and is characterized by long vertical pages . The term derives from types of popular prints usually just of a single sheet, sold on the streets and containing various types of material, from ballads to political satire. The first broadsheet...
newspaper The Sunday Telegraph ran a weekly opinion column penned by Alan B'Stard himself (in reality his creators, Marks and Gran). In it, Mr B'Stard writes as the founder of New Labour and effective ruler of the country, commenting on the week's events in politics, often referring to his frustrations with Tony and the rest of the cabinet. The column is written to suggest that the stage show is actually written by B'Stard himself as a method of communicating his achievements to 'the ordinaries'. One column mentioned how after Alan's divorce from his wife (a sub-plot of the original stage show), the ex-Mrs B'Stard "came over all dead".
Daily Mail
In May 2009, during the disclosure of expenses of British Members of Parliament, the right-wing tabloid Daily MailDaily Mail
The Daily Mail is a British daily middle-market tabloid newspaper owned by the Daily Mail and General Trust. First published in 1896 by Lord Northcliffe, it is the United Kingdom's second biggest-selling daily newspaper after The Sun. Its sister paper The Mail on Sunday was launched in 1982...
published a "manifesto" as written by B'Stard (though actually written by Maurice Gran).
The New Statesman Magazine
A bi-weekly opinion column began appearing in the New Statesman magazine in 2010. As with the columns in The Sunday Telegraph and the Daily Mail, the articles are written as if by B'Stard himself as dictated to Marks and Gran. In these latest columns, B'Stard is now a Lord, (his final Sunday Telegraph piece seeing him leave the commons and the country to become Head of The World Bank) but still commentating on current events.See also
- Yes MinisterYes MinisterYes Minister is a satirical British sitcom written by Antony Jay and Jonathan Lynn that was first transmitted by BBC Television between 1980–1982 and 1984, split over three seven-episode series. The sequel, Yes, Prime Minister, ran from 1986 to 1988. In total there were 38 episodes—of which all but...
- The Thick of ItThe Thick of ItThe Thick of It is a British comedy television series that satirises the inner workings of modern British government. It was first broadcast on BBC Four in 2005, and has so far completed fourteen half-hour episodes and two special hour-long episodes to coincide with Christmas and Gordon Brown's...
- In the LoopIn the Loop (film)In the Loop is a 2009 British satirical black comedy film directed by Armando Iannucci. It is based on the BBC Television series The Thick of It satirising Anglo-American politics in the 21st century and the Invasion of Iraq...
External links
Guide to Comedy- The New Statesman at the British Film InstituteBritish Film InstituteThe British Film Institute is a charitable organisation established by Royal Charter to:-Cinemas:The BFI runs the BFI Southbank and IMAX theatre, both located on the south bank of the River Thames in London...
- The New Statesman at Phill.co.uk
- Goldsborough Hall Alan's fictional Yorkshire residence