Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
Encyclopedia
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus is a book written by American author, and relationship counselor, John Gray
.
The book has sold more than 7 million copies and is reported to be one of the best selling self-help books of all time. Its theme became the foundation for the author's subsequent books, recordings, seminars, theme vacations, a one-man Broadway show and a TV sitcom.
are as different as beings from different planet
s and likens them to the classical Roman god Mars
and goddess Venus
.
One example of the theories Gray offers is that men complain about problems because they are asking for solutions while women complain about problems because they want their problems to be acknowledged. Gray also believes that the genders can be understood in terms of purported differences in how they behave under stress.
According to Gray, women and men are often surprised to find that their partner "keeps score' at all, and that their scoring methods are different. The emotional stroke
delivered by the sincere attention is as important as the value of the item. This can lead to conflict when a man thinks his work has earned 20 points and deserves appropriate recognition while the woman has only given him 1 point and recognizes him accordingly. Men tend to think they can do one Big Thing for her (scoring 50 points) and not do anything else. They assume the woman will be satisfied with it. To the woman, she would rather have many Little Acts on a regular basis. The reason is that women like to think their man is thinking of them and cares for them on a regular basis.
Another major idea in Gray's books are the differences he believes operate in terms of the way the genders react under stress
. He believes that many men withdraw until they find a solution to the problem. He refers to this as "retreating into their cave". In some cases they may literally retreat, for example, to the garage or spend time with friends. The point of retreating is to take time to determine a solution. In these "caves", men (writes Gray) are not necessarily focused on the problem at hand; many times this is a "time-out" of sorts to allow them to distance themselves from the problems so their brains can focus on something else. Gray posits that this allows them to revisit the problem later with a fresh perspective.
Gray holds that this retreat into the cave has historically been hard for women to understand because when they are stressed their natural reaction is to talk about issues (even if talking does not solve the problem). This leads to a natural dynamic of the man retreating as the woman tries to grow closer. According to Gray this becomes a major source of conflict between women and men.
The "wave" is a term Gray uses to describe a natural cycle for women that is centered around their abilities to give to other people. He claims that when they feel full of love and energy to give to others their wave is in a stable place. When they give to others (and don't receive the same amount of love and attention in return) their wave begins to grow until it eventually crashes. This is a time when a woman needs the love, listening, understanding and reassurance of those around her (including self love). Gray holds that once she is rejuvenated (by getting the support she needs) she is able to rise like a wave and once again has love and energy to give. Men, advised Gray, must support this natural cycle by not being threatened by it or telling her why she should not feel this way.
, it is the all time, best-selling hard-cover nonfiction book. The book has become a “popular paradigm” for problems in relationships based on the different tendencies in each gender and has spawned infomercials, audiotapes and videotapes, weekend seminars, theme vacations, a one-man Broadway show, a TV sitcom plus a proposed movie topic with 20th Century Fox
.
The book has also been criticized for placing human psychology into stereotypes. In 2002, author Julia T. Wood published a critical response to the portrayal of the genders in Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. In 2004 a Purdue University
communications professor said that based on research she conducted using questionnaires and interviews, men and women are not so different and "books like John Gray's Men are From Mars and Women are From Venus and Deborah Tannen's You Just Don't Understand tell men that being masculine means dismissing feelings and downplaying problems. That isn't what most men do, and it isn't good for either men or women."
John Gray (U.S. author)
John Gray is an American relationship counselor, lecturer and author who has several university degrees received under a variety of circumstances. In 1969, he began a nine year association with Maharishi Mahesh Yogi before beginning his career as an author and personal relationship counselor...
.
The book has sold more than 7 million copies and is reported to be one of the best selling self-help books of all time. Its theme became the foundation for the author's subsequent books, recordings, seminars, theme vacations, a one-man Broadway show and a TV sitcom.
Overview
The book takes the position that women and menMan
The term man is used for an adult human male . However, man is sometimes used to refer to humanity as a whole...
are as different as beings from different planet
Planet
A planet is a celestial body orbiting a star or stellar remnant that is massive enough to be rounded by its own gravity, is not massive enough to cause thermonuclear fusion, and has cleared its neighbouring region of planetesimals.The term planet is ancient, with ties to history, science,...
s and likens them to the classical Roman god Mars
Mars (mythology)
Mars was the Roman god of war and also an agricultural guardian, a combination characteristic of early Rome. He was second in importance only to Jupiter, and he was the most prominent of the military gods worshipped by the Roman legions...
and goddess Venus
Venus (mythology)
Venus is a Roman goddess principally associated with love, beauty, sex,sexual seduction and fertility, who played a key role in many Roman religious festivals and myths...
.
One example of the theories Gray offers is that men complain about problems because they are asking for solutions while women complain about problems because they want their problems to be acknowledged. Gray also believes that the genders can be understood in terms of purported differences in how they behave under stress.
Content
Gray suggests that men and women count (or score) the giving and receiving of love differently. He says that men tend to give larger blocks of points (20, 30, 40 points etc.) for what they think are Big Acts, while women give each act of love one point at a time. According to Gray, women tend to keep a Points System that few men are aware of. Gray writes that men and women each monitor the amount of give and take in a relationship and if the balance becomes off and one person feels they have given more than they have been given to, resentment develops. He states that this is a time when communication is very important to help bring the relationship back into balance.According to Gray, women and men are often surprised to find that their partner "keeps score' at all, and that their scoring methods are different. The emotional stroke
Transactional analysis
Transactional analysis, commonly known as TA to its adherents, is an integrative approach to the theory of psychology and psychotherapy. It is described as integrative because it has elements of psychoanalytic, humanist and cognitive approaches...
delivered by the sincere attention is as important as the value of the item. This can lead to conflict when a man thinks his work has earned 20 points and deserves appropriate recognition while the woman has only given him 1 point and recognizes him accordingly. Men tend to think they can do one Big Thing for her (scoring 50 points) and not do anything else. They assume the woman will be satisfied with it. To the woman, she would rather have many Little Acts on a regular basis. The reason is that women like to think their man is thinking of them and cares for them on a regular basis.
Another major idea in Gray's books are the differences he believes operate in terms of the way the genders react under stress
Stress (medicine)
Stress is a term in psychology and biology, borrowed from physics and engineering and first used in the biological context in the 1930s, which has in more recent decades become commonly used in popular parlance...
. He believes that many men withdraw until they find a solution to the problem. He refers to this as "retreating into their cave". In some cases they may literally retreat, for example, to the garage or spend time with friends. The point of retreating is to take time to determine a solution. In these "caves", men (writes Gray) are not necessarily focused on the problem at hand; many times this is a "time-out" of sorts to allow them to distance themselves from the problems so their brains can focus on something else. Gray posits that this allows them to revisit the problem later with a fresh perspective.
Gray holds that this retreat into the cave has historically been hard for women to understand because when they are stressed their natural reaction is to talk about issues (even if talking does not solve the problem). This leads to a natural dynamic of the man retreating as the woman tries to grow closer. According to Gray this becomes a major source of conflict between women and men.
The "wave" is a term Gray uses to describe a natural cycle for women that is centered around their abilities to give to other people. He claims that when they feel full of love and energy to give to others their wave is in a stable place. When they give to others (and don't receive the same amount of love and attention in return) their wave begins to grow until it eventually crashes. This is a time when a woman needs the love, listening, understanding and reassurance of those around her (including self love). Gray holds that once she is rejuvenated (by getting the support she needs) she is able to rise like a wave and once again has love and energy to give. Men, advised Gray, must support this natural cycle by not being threatened by it or telling her why she should not feel this way.
Reception
The book has sold more than 7 million copies and according to a 1997 report by the book's publisher, HarperCollinsHarperCollins
HarperCollins is a publishing company owned by News Corporation. It is the combination of the publishers William Collins, Sons and Co Ltd, a British company, and Harper & Row, an American company, itself the result of an earlier merger of Harper & Brothers and Row, Peterson & Company. The worldwide...
, it is the all time, best-selling hard-cover nonfiction book. The book has become a “popular paradigm” for problems in relationships based on the different tendencies in each gender and has spawned infomercials, audiotapes and videotapes, weekend seminars, theme vacations, a one-man Broadway show, a TV sitcom plus a proposed movie topic with 20th Century Fox
20th Century Fox
Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation — also known as 20th Century Fox, or simply 20th or Fox — is one of the six major American film studios...
.
The book has also been criticized for placing human psychology into stereotypes. In 2002, author Julia T. Wood published a critical response to the portrayal of the genders in Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. In 2004 a Purdue University
Purdue University
Purdue University, located in West Lafayette, Indiana, U.S., is the flagship university of the six-campus Purdue University system. Purdue was founded on May 6, 1869, as a land-grant university when the Indiana General Assembly, taking advantage of the Morrill Act, accepted a donation of land and...
communications professor said that based on research she conducted using questionnaires and interviews, men and women are not so different and "books like John Gray's Men are From Mars and Women are From Venus and Deborah Tannen's You Just Don't Understand tell men that being masculine means dismissing feelings and downplaying problems. That isn't what most men do, and it isn't good for either men or women."
See also
- EssentialismEssentialismIn philosophy, essentialism is the view that, for any specific kind of entity, there is a set of characteristics or properties all of which any entity of that kind must possess. Therefore all things can be precisely defined or described...
- Relationship counselingRelationship counselingRelationship counseling is the process of counseling the parties of a relationship in an effort to recognize and to better manage or reconcile troublesome differences and repeating patterns of distress...
- Sex and psychology
- The Myth Of Mars And Venus: Do Men and Women Really Speak Different Languages?
External links
- Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus
- Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus on WikiSummariesWikisummariesWikisummaries is a wiki containing summaries of books.It has sections for books in English and Spanish .It uses MediaWiki software and the GNU Free Documentation License....