Directed by Jeremiah S. Chechik and written by John Hughes.

Clark W. Griswold

• Well I'm gonna park the cars and get the luggage, and well, I'll be outside for the season.

• [as an entourage of suits - lead by Clark's boss - passes by single file] Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah.

• [the newel post is wobbly so Clark cuts it off with a chain saw] Fixed the newel post.

• LOTTA SAP in here. [Spits then gives an a-ok sign] Looks great! Little full, Lotta sap!!

• The most enduring traditions of the season are best enjoyed in the warm embrace of kith and kin. Thith tree is a thymbol of the the thspirit of the Griswold family Chrithmath.

• I dedicate this house to the Griswold Family Christmas.

• Can't see the line, can you Russ?

• [Handing Christmas lights to Russ] Unravel these. We need to check every bulb. [Pulls out a huge tangle of lights] Oop. Little knot here, you can work on that. [Hands it to Russ]

• Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.

• Hey. If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here...with a big ribbon on his head! And I want to look him straight in the eye, and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit...where's the Tylenol?

Cousin Eddie

• If that cat had nine lives she just spent 'em all!

• They had to replace my metal plate with a plastic one. Every time Catherine would rev up the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour.

• [Todd Chester stares in horror at Eddie draining the RV toilet into the sewer drain] Merry Christmas! Shitter was full!

• [walks in with a bound and gagged Mr. Shirley tied with a big red ribbon] Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas, Clark. [to Mr. Shirley] You about ready to do some kissing?

• Clark, I'd like to try to fumigate this here chair. If you don't mind my askin', how much did she set you back?

• He's cute ain't he? Only problem is, he's got a little bit a Mississippi leg hound in 'im. If the mood catches him right, he'll grab your leg and just go to town. You don't want him around if your wearing short pants, if you know what I mean. Word of warning though, if he does lay into ya, it's best to just let 'im finish.

Others

• Ellen Griswold: I don't know what to say, except it's Christmas and we're all in misery.

• Ellen Griswold: Welcome to our home - what's left of it.

• Art: Hurry up, Clark. I'm freezing my baguettes off.

• Aunt Bethany: [after reaching the Griswolds' house] Is this the airport Clark?

• Aunt Bethany: Is Rusty still in the navy?

• Mr. Shirley: [Picks up the phone receiver] Get me somebody. Anybody. And get me somebody while I'm waiting.

• Audrey Griswold: Would it be indecent to ask the grandparents to stay at a hotel?

• Aunt Bethany: It's a funny, squeaky sound.

Dialogue

Clark: We're kicking off our fun old fashion family Christmas by heading out into the country in the old front-wheel drive sleigh to embrace the frosty majesty of the winter landscape and select that most important of Christmas symbols.

Audrey: We're not coming all the way out here just to get one of those stupid ties with Santa Clauses on it are we?

Clark: No, I have one of those at home.

Todd Chester: Hey Griswold. Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big?

Clark: Bend over and I'll show you.

Todd Chester: You've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that Griswold.

Clark: [looking at his wife, Margo] I wasn't talking to you.

Clark: Let's burn some dust here, eat my rubber!

Rusty Griswold: Dad, I think what you mean is "burn rubber" and "eat my dust".

Clark: Whatever Russ, whatever.

[Clark is looking at lingerie, as a voluptuous saleswoman approaches]

Mary: Can I help you with anything?

Clark: Oh, I was just smelling - smiling. I was just blouse - browsing.

Mary: For your wife? For your girlfriend?

Clark: Uh... huh? What happened? I, uh, heh heh. Well, I guess it just wouldn't... Oh hee hee, it wouldn't be the Christmas shopping season if the stores were any less hooter than they - HOTTER than they are. Whew. It is warm in here, isn't it?

Mary: You have your coat on.

Clark: Yes, oh do I? How'd that happen?

Mary: Because it's cold out?

Clark: Yes, Yes, it is a bit nipply out. I mean 'nippy out.' What am I saying, nipple? Ah, there is a nip in the air, though.

Clark: 'Tis the season to be merry.

Mary: That's my name.

Clark: No shit.

Aunt Bethany: Is your house on fire, Clark?

Clark Griswold: No, Aunt Bethany, those are the Christmas lights.

Aunt Bethany: Don't throw me down the stairs, Clark.

Clark Griswold: I'll try not to, Aunt Bethany.

Ellen: Oh Aunt Bethany, you shouldn't have done that.

Aunt Bethany: Oh dear, did I break wind?

Uncle Lewis: Jesus, did the room clear out, Bethany? Hell no, she means presents. You shouldn't have brought presents.

Uncle Lewis: Hey Gris, Bethany and I figured out the perfect gift for you.

Clark: Aw, you didn't have to get me anything.

Uncle Lewis: Dammit, Bethany, he guessed it.

Aunt Bethany: This house is bigger than your old one. Is Rusty still in the Navy?

Ellen: Aunt Bethany, why don't you go with Frances and Cathrine into the living room and say hello to everybody.

Aunt Bethany: Hello, everybody?

Ellen: Just in the living room...

Aunt Bethany: I should say it?

Ellen: You should say it.

Aunt Bethany: Hello, everybody!

Ellen: Hello, everybody.

Eddie: You surprised to see us, Clark?

Clark: Surprised Eddie?... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now.

Clark: Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?

Eddie: Naw, I'm doing just fine, Clark.

Ellen: What are you looking at?

Clark: Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn... the clean, cool chill of the holiday air... and an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer...

Eddie: Shitter was full!

Clark: Ah, yeah. You checked our shitters, honey?

Ellen: Clark, please. He doesn't know any better.

Clark: He oughta know it's illegal. That's a storm sewer. If it fills with gas, I pity the person who lights a match within ten yards of it.

Ruby Sue: Rocky bit my thumb. Him's nervous because Christmas is almost here.

Clark: Nervous or excited?

Ruby Sue: Shittin' bricks.

Clark: You shouldn't use that word.

Ruby Sue: Sorry. Shittin' rocks.

Ellen: Clark, Audrey's frozen from the waist down.

Clark: That's all part of the experience honey.

Eddie: I don't know if I oughta go sailin' down no hill with nothin' between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.

Clark: Do you really think it matters, Eddie?

Eddie: [talking about Snots, Eddie's dog] If you scratch his belly Clark, he'lllove you till the day you die.

Clark: I really shouldn't, Eddie, my hands are all chapped.

Margo: And why is the carpet all wet, Todd?

Todd: I don't know Margo.

Margot: You just march over there and slug that creep in the face.

Todd: I can't just attack someone.

Margot: Alright then, if you're not man enough to put an end to this shit, then I am.

Audrey: Do you sleep with your brother? Do you know how sick and twisted that is?

Ellen: Well, I'm sleeping with your father. Don't be so dramatic.

Clark: Since this is Aunt Bethany's 80th Christmas, I think she should lead us in the saying of Grace.

Aunt Bethany: What dear?

Nora: Grace!

Aunt Bethany: Grace? Ohhh...She passed away thirty years ago...

Uncle Lewis: They want you to say grace.... The BLESS-ING!!!

Aunt Bethany: Oh.

Aunt Bethany: I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands - one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

Clark: Amen.

Aunt Bethany: What's that sound?

Uncle Lewis: You couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant.

[after Clark fails at lighting all the exterior Christmas lights at the "lighting ceremony" in front of the entire family]

Frances: Talk about pissing your money away. I hope you kids see what a silly waste of resources this was.

Audrey Griswold: He worked really hard, Grandma.

Art: So do washing machines.

Clark: Russ, we checked every bulb didn't we?

Rusty: Sure, Dad.

Clark: Hmm... Maybe we ought to just go up there and check...

Rusty: Oh, woo. Look at the time. I gotta get to bed. I still gotta brush my teeth, feed the hog, still got some homework to do, still got those bills to pay, wash the car...

Clark: [a squirrel is loose in the house] Where is Eddie? He usually eats these goddamn things.

Catherine: Not recently, Clark, he read that squirrels were high in cholesterol.

[As Clark is trying to catch the loose squirrel]

Clark: Russ, go get the hammer.

Ellen: Clark, what do you need a hammer for?

Clark: I'm gonna catch it in the coat... And smack it with the hammer.

Ellen: You are not going to kill that squirrel in front of all these kids!

Clark: Well honey, what do you suggest?

Clark Sr: (extreme close up) SQUUUIIIIRRRREEELLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Uncle Lewis: Hey Gris, if you're not doing anything constructive, run into the living room and get my stogeies.

Clark: Is there anything else I can do for you, Uncle Lewis?

Ellen: He's an old man. This may be his last Christmas.

Clark: If he keeps it up, it WILL be his last Christmas.

Clark: Hey, Kids, I heard on the news that an airline pilot spotted Santa's sleigh on its way in from New York City. [the kids sit up excitedly]

Eddie: [after a pause] You serious, Clark?

Clark: I simply solved the problem. We needed a coffin... Er, a tree. There are no lots open on Christmas Eve. Lewis burned down my tree so I replaced it as best I could. Voilà.

Ellen: Are you okay?

Art: The little lights aren't twinkling.

Clark: I know Art. And thanks for noticing.

[Snots is choking under the table making it shake]

Clark: Uh, Eddie? What's wrong with the dog?

[Snot gags again, table shakes]

Eddie: (Looks under table) Oh, he's just yakin' on a bone.

[Snot coughs up the bone]

Eddie: He got it up.

Clark: Our holidays were always such a mess.

Clark Sr.: Oh, yeah.

Clark: How'd you get through it?

Clark Sr.: I had a lot of help from Jack Daniels.

Ruby Sue: Uncle Clark, are you sure you ain't Santa Claus?

Clark: I'm sure... I can't even afford to be an elf.

Ellen: Clark, I think it's be best if everyone went home... before things get worse.

Clark: Worse?! How could things get any worse? Take a look around you, Ellen! We're at the threshold of hell!!

Ellen: You set standards that no family activity can live up to.

Clark: When have I ever done that?

Ellen: Birthdays, weddings, anniversaries, funerals, holidays, vacations, graduations...

Clark: My cousin-in-law, whose heart is bigger than his brain...

Eddie: I appreciate that, Clark.

Clark: ...is innocent.

Clark: RUSS?

Russ: Right here, Dad.

See also

• National Lampoon's Vacation
• National Lampoon's European Vacation
• Animal House
• Van Wilder
• Funny Farm

Cast

• Chevy Chase - Clark W. Griswold, Jr.
• Beverly D'Angelo - Ellen Griswold
• Juliette Lewis - Audrey Griswold
• Johnny Galecki - Russell 'Rusty' Griswold
• John Randolph - Clark Wilhelm Griswold, Sr.
• Diane Ladd - Nora Griswold
• E.G. Marshall - Art Smith
• Doris Roberts - Frances Smith
• Randy Quaid - Cousin Eddie Johnson
• Miriam Flynn - Cousin Catherine Johnson
• Cody Burger - Cousin Rocky Johnson
• Ellen Hamilton Latzen - Cousin Ruby Sue Johnson
• William Hickey - Uncle Lewis
• Mae Questel - Aunt Bethany
• Nicholas Guest - Todd Chester
• Julia Louis-Dreyfus - Margo Chester
• Brian Doyle-Murray - Mr. Frank Shirley