Lemony Snicket

• It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. It's like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down through the air and there's a sickly moment of dark surprise. The children's grief was not only for their uncle but for that tender hope that they might have found home again. A hope which, thanks to a villainous actor, was now slowly tumbling away.

• [Last lines] Dear reader, there are people in the world who know no misery and woe. And they take comfort in cheerful films about twittering birds and giggling elves. There are people who know that there's always a mystery to be solved. And they take comfort in researching and writing down any important evidence. But this story is not about such people. This story is about the Baudelaires. And they are the sort of people who know that there's always something. Something to invent, something to read, something to bite, and something to do, to make a sanctuary, no matter how small. And for this reason, I am happy to say, the Baudelaires were very fortunate indeed.

Count Olaf

• You know, there's a big world out there, filled with desperate orphans who would gladly swim across and ocean of thumbtacks just to be eclipsed by the long shadow cast by my accomplishments. But I don't care about them. I chose to open my heart to you two luvverly children and your hideous primate. All I ask in return is that you do each and every thing that pops into my head while I enjoy the enormous fortune your parents left behind.

Violet Baudelaire

• It's the letter, the letter that never came. [reading aloud] "Dearest Children, Since we have been abroad we have missed you all so much. Certain events have compelled us to extend our travels. One day, where you're older, you will learn all about the people we've befriended and the dangers we have faced. At times the world can seem an unfriendly and sinister place, but believe us when we say there is much more good in it than bad. All you have to do is look hard enough. And what might seem to be a series of unfortunate events, may, in fact, be the first steps of a journey. We hope to have you back in our arms soon, darlings; but in case this letter arrives before our return, know that we love you. It fills us with pride to know that, no matter what happens in this life, you three will take care of each other with kindness, and bravery and selflessness as you always have. And remember one thing my darlings and never forget it: that no matter where we are, know that as long as you have each other, you have your family and you are home. Your loving parents."

Dialogue

Count Olaf: Ah! My dear... [looks at stick figures of the children with their names on his hands] Violet. Enchanté.

Violet: Um... how do you do?

Count Olaf: And this must be Klaus. [grabs at Klaus' face and looks at each side of it] Young Klaus. Your left side is the good one. [begins to mess with Klaus' bottom lip and then notices Sunny] And, uh...what is this?

Sunny: I'm Sunny.

Count Olaf: I'm sorry. I don't speak... monkey! [mimicking a baby] Banana?

Sunny: I'm not a monkey!

Lemony Snicket: [narrating] I don't know if you've ever noticed this, but first impressions are often entirely wrong. For instance: Klaus, when Sunny was born, didn't like her at all; but by the time she was six weeks old, the two of them were as thick as thieves — a phrase which here means "fetching and biting for hours on end." In the case of Count Olaf, however...

Count Olaf: Orphans!

Lemony Snicket: [narrating] They were correct.

Mr. Poe: I'm sorry, Count Olaf. Allowing a child of Sunny's age to drive a car is simply not good parenting.

Klaus: He tried to kill us!

Mr. Poe: Let us not exaggerate, Klaus. The vehicle was not even in gear.

Count Olaf: [to Mr. Poe] May I have a moment alone with the children? [Mr. Poe nods in agreement.] Goodbye, kids. It's been fun [leans farther into car window and whispers] I'm going to get you. No matter where you go, no matter what you do, I'll find you. You are so deceased. [turns from car, puts eye drops in eye and turns to Mr. Poe] Take them, Mr. Poe... before I lose it, big time!

Uncle Monty: Do you have any experience with children?

Count Olaf (as Stephano): Ah, well, children are strange and foreign to me. I never really was one. I know that they are an important part of the ecosystem.

Count Olaf (as Captain Sham): [to Violet] Are you jiggin,' me girl? [to Aunt Josephine] Why, perhaps it's just the ramblings of an expert fisherman, but grammar is the number one, most important thing in this here world to me.

Aunt Josephine: It is?

Sunny: Is she desperate?

Count Olaf: It's the whole ball of wax. The entire kit and caboodle. Why, without your good grammar, the whole darn shootin' match could go arse over tea kettle.

Aunt Josephine: Well, you can certainly turn a phrase.

Count Olaf: I can flip it up and rub it down, too. But of course, that'd be entirely up to you, ma'am.

Taglines

• On December 17, Christmas cheer takes a holiday.
• Don't say we didn't warn you.
• This Holiday, Christmas Cheer takes a break.
• At last a holiday movie without all that pesky hope and joy.
• Mishaps. Mayhem. Misadventures. Oh joy.
• Ruining Christmas December 17.
• We're very concerned
• Darkening theaters December 17.